Pochatok

Hi! I'm so excited to read your future entries- I admire your commitment. What do you mean by "handing off to my sister"? For me, handing off instead of deleting has caused some trouble down the road, and I am feeling concern for you ❤️ I feel so lucky to be able to follow you on your journey- thank you for being here!

Would love to join the conversation! "What would impress my current/past/future self?" "What would my yesterday self say about this challenge?" "I may never get another opportunity to try [whatever I am doing] again. How would I act if this is the last time?" "Am I doing this for myself? If not, what's in my control to make this action matter?" I also have a stickynote list of "small victories"- moments of being admired, by others or myself- receiving applause at a performance, someone complimenting me, acing a serve in volleyball... Anytime I feel unfocused/distracted, I go through that list and try to remember every moment as vividly as possible, until I feel like that person again.

Well, here's the "new" year, in Gregorian sense at least. Personally, it does feel like a new time- celebration and rest brought a sense of rejuvenation. Let's Reflect: An amazing time at home. I have no regrets for taking rest, for sleeping more than usual, for messing with my sleep schedule. I wanted to be present in that environment, fit its energy. I am glad to have been amongst my loved ones, on their plane of being- chaotic, unsettled, laid-back, privilege-enjoying. During that time, I have felt young again. There is so much growth I want to commit myself to: Stand my ground even when I cannot back myself up by "Reason" - trust my gut, and challenge supremacy of logic Be more careful w/ my words, as per my parents' advice - in most difficult moments, maintain highest calm Always keep an active posture. Always be present. Never let go of being here - passivity means losing myself Journal every day no matter what. Don't let go of my values- remember who I want to be is who I am now Breathe more- so many moments of tension could have been eased quicker Do not indulge in activities that are inherently addictive- I fell to so many distractions Always ask, "is this where I want to be right now" - don't fall compliant Listen to my body- overeating, soreness, fatigue... all can be avoided with care Let's set goals! My personal attention span for long-term focus seems to be ~1 week, with commitment ability at ~50 days. So, let's make 50 day goals w/ weekly "segments", aligned to 3,5,10-year dreams: aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years): 10Y: Lead a world-renowned animation studio- Studio Ghibli 10Y: Critical background support for a radical educational group- Rosa Parks of Civil Rights 10Y: Receive world-level awards for my worldbuilding works- Emmy, Nobel, NYT Bestseller 10Y: Critically support an Oscar-winning animation film 10Y: Personally educate 1 million people- talks, workshops, etc. 5Y: Publish 3 books 5Y: Direct an animated TV Series 5Y: Win an international award for my Worldbuilding efforts 3Y: Reach 100,000 people with my work 3Y: Become internationally visible 6MO: Have a full support system (finance, social, etc.) to live by my values, full-time goals (50days- by March): Create a worldbuilding portfolio- writing, illustration, sculpted time (visual and audio) Make all of that by February, have a portfolio launched by end of Feb. Earn first $500 from my passionwork Earn $100 from my passionwork by February Make 10 posts total for my visual AND aural passionworks Insta: Animation, Illustration (3-6 posts) TikTok: Music Performance (2-4 posts) Twitter/Whatever: Sound Creation (2-3 posts) Substack: Writing (1-2 posts) Submit my research essay Finish by Jan 10th - MAIN GOAL habits (immediate): Journal 3x10mins/day Sketch 10mins/day Worldbuild visually 30mins/day Worldbuild aurally 30mins/day Practice music performance 10mins/day Worldbuild via writing 60mins/day Meditate 20mins/day Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion Keep a daily tracker, and actually fill it out! Limit my spending to fit the budget- more $$$ means sooner quitting! Thank you for reading! Hope this inspires you to live your best life ❤️

Feeling ashamed of how difficult it has been to get myself out of comfort zone today. I keep sliding into it- so I sit down and journal some more, and then again, and then again. I refuse to surrender to comfort. Even if I don't anywhere but simply away from comfort, I don't want to feel ashamed of myself tomorrow, or even moments from now

A moment of struggle: feeling inaquedate/not being enough at work. my position involves a lot of non-consensual policing, which is not easy for me to reckon with. yet, it is also necessary, and i understand that. when possible, i make decisions in favor of consensual policing, though i often feel that my supervisors will disagree- "you are too trusting, too kind, etc.". what i have done today, is reported all of the recent decisions made in favor of "lighter" policing, and will see how my supervisors reply. i will trust them to build my judgement, but first i trust myself and my decision-making process. yes, it can be "too soft", but i believe that i'm learning to balance softness and firmness necessary for this position a bit better. still not convinced! yes, indeed, there is a behavior i am ashamed of: i walk away, i disengage in moments where firmness is called for. it's not that i am soft or trusting, but in flight-fight-freeze, i most often flee. and it's not been getting better- i only confront when i expect confrontation; every time something catches me off guard, i run away. main difficulty with this behavior now is that i notice it afterwards. there is a quiet voice telling me something's off in that moment of trouble, but i silence it. the only way out is to be more prepared, to make a habit of expecting things to go off- because it does happen in a pattern. nothing is truly out of the blue. it's a simple solution, really, and the solution i strive for in all areas of my life- be present, yet anticipate. think onwards, yet don't evade. amen

Week 1206 of being w/ this Earth. General overview: A week that I felt good about. Every day was an attempt to build upon the last, to strive deeper and higher. Every day can be better. Today, as it been already, can be better. But I only have the present moment to work with. Mantras: ✨ Every choice is a sacrifice ✨ Presence is the only measure of excellence ✨ God is skill, God is change ✨ I am my surroundings - shape my space ✨ Immersion is the only measure of expertise Admiration Aspirations (2mins): 👀 To be featured in 100 podcasts by 2025 👀 To be admired by all the people whom I admire by 2025 👀 To lead an animation studio by 2027 👀 To publish a best-selling book by 2027 👀 To have 10K followers on YouTube/Instagram by 2025 Output Aspirations (2mins): 🧱 To produce an animated series by 2027 🧱 To create a short movie by Feb. 2024 🧱 To write a book by 2025 🧱 To earn full-time wage from my core passions by 2025 🧱 To be able to translate my artistic visual/aural visions into the world w/ perfect clarity by 2025 🧱 To publish 10 research articles by 2027 How do I get there, now? ⚒️ Keep making animated shorts- make no work LESS than 30s in length. Be ambitious. Take time, but deliver big! ⚒️ Start branching out on social media as soon as I have enough presentable content for 2 weeks worth of posting- it nurtures commitment and growth ⚒️ Begin writing a book as soon as January- keep track of the whole constellation of my thoughts and ideas. ⚒️ Practice daily; expertise is immersion, but skill is speed. ⚒️ Publish my goddamn essay- finish it up before 2024. I've been dragging it on for too long. I must create work. Be vigilant. Strategize: 📊 Keep making content- I need enough not for a website, but for a portfolio. Until I reach that point, no one will take me seriously, sadly. And ultimately, I don't want popularity- I want a committed following. 📊 Keep reading- don't stop learning about ways of doing things better. At this point in my life, self-help is a waste of time, but it gets me reflecting. 📊 Start small- do create more immediately-completable work w/ which I can get attention, feedback, and a foundational following. But, keep focus on the mountains. Immediate action: ⏲️ Keep writing- I got 2 more hours today to finish up my essay. And every time I'm tempted to do ANYTHING but that, be doubtful of my desires! ⏲️ Put in solid 90 minutes for animation. This is NOT the goal, but a commitment- goal is to accomplish as much as I can within those 90 minutes, to be of expertise and excellence. ⏲️ Read plenty of self-help today. Don't negate evening rest, give myself at least an hour of time before bed. Yesterday, it took me an hour to fall asleep because I simply don't let myself wind down.

Been here so many times! While I've gotten autonomous enough to not give into nutritionally-imbalanced foods, it is still those group settings where I'm most likely to disregard my personal diet. What has been helpful the most is announcing my choices beforehand- "hey, you can order this ___, but I won't be having it (beause ___". Not once has someone been like "how dare you"; people's support and acceptance keeps me accountable more than I can ever do myself.

Dealing w/ the shame of not being open/communicative w/ my family by calling them TONIGHT! Reminder set.

@FDRx7Thank you so much for your kind words, it means so much to know that my writing made an impact on you 💖 Want to keep myself accountable: made a "timed" gaming session for a high-focus strategy game, and got carried away. I think that video games are simply not it- they're designed to be addictive. And when they are not, I have no desire to play- a very familiar loop. So today, I had no desire to play UNTIL I engaged in the addictive loop. Uninstall, block app. Reflected on my values for 10 minutes. I want to live by my values. So much time spent simply "cleaning up" after a gaming session- not worth it. A reminder that no activity w/ addictive components is short-term or long-term sustainable. It always causes damage. NO damage is worth the benefits, ever.

Back towards a deeper living style. Part of the troubles of the last couple of weeks: I lack ambition. Somehow, it has completely slipped from me within the last month. I am only dreaming locally. I have no grander aspiration- just the present moment. As much as this feels like a very engaging way of living, it leaves me w/ low-hanging fruits of "mediocre but successful life". Plenty of friendships, a secure job, comfortable living, hobbies. But where's changing the world, where's going to bed excited to wake up the next day, where's jumping out of sleep with determination, and where's fearing dying too soon? Therefore, let's dream here once a week. Tuesday sounds like a good day for dreams. First, a mantra: ✨ I've spent 1235 weeks on this Earth. I have ~2700 weeks left till I die, if all goes well. ✨Today is the youngest I will ever be, and I will die today, and tomorrow a new person will wake up in my body. ✨ Be useful to the present moment, to the present people, to the present earth, to the present self ✨ My environment is who I am - shape the land, shape myself Admiration Aspirations (2mins): To be Time's "Person of the Year" by 2027 To have 10,000 followers on YouTube by 2025 To be invited to speak at my High School Graduation Ceremony by 2025 To be invited to speak at my University's Grad. Ceremony by 2026 To receive a national-level award for my creative work Output Aspirations (2mins): 🧱 Direct an Animated Movie by 2027 🧱 Direct an Animated TV Show by 2028 🧱 Direct an Animated Short by 2026 🧱 Produce a Video Game by 2029 🧱 Educate 100,000 individuals by 2030 🧱 Publish 5 books by 2026 🧱 Speak at 100 events by 2026 How do I get there, now? ⚒️ Create an animated short within the next 5 days ⚒️ Create a short movie within the next 30 days ⚒️ Create a short series within the next 100 days ⚒️ Earn from animation within the next 150 days ⚒️ Earn full-time $$$ from animation within the next 200 days (mid-June) ⚒️ Finish writing 1st Research Essay by end of this week ⚒️ Write 1 thousand-word essay per month, and publish monthly ⚒️ Write 2 300-word blogs per month, publish monthly Strategize: 📊 First, create enough animated work to launch a website 📊 Use Website to publish essays and blogs 📊 Earn enough attention online w/ Animation to begin earning 📊 Start smaller: create drawings, comics. Do things that I can get feedback immediately on and create quickly 📊 Optimize my day: read self-help books recommended by Vinh Giang for 1hr/day Immediate Action (right after writing this): ⏲️ 90 minutes for drawing/illustration/character animation ⏲️ 60 minutes for reading ⏲️ 12 minute meditation ⏲️ Asleep by 22:00

This is so wonderful- I'm so glad it worked for you, and hope it will work for me if/when necessary 🙂

Still dying- feels like a rock bottom, though I've literally been experiencing these EVERY single week as of lately. Costa Rica- 1st week of November A week of recovery (two, really) afterwards) Last week of November- a friend's visit Then a week of recovery And now I'm in 2nd week of December. I want to get out of here. I cannot sustain my best self working here. This is not the community that empowers me, that helps me struggle. This is not the job where I feel like I am making a difference on things I care about. I am not around people who reaffirm and expand my values. I am so grateful for all the privileges this job and living has given me, yet none of them are exactly what I want. I want to be an educator. I am most capable of creating direct change when I educate others. I want to be an animator. I am most capable of creating global influence through this type of creative work. Within that, I also want to be an illustrator, performing musician, and composer. There is so much I've been learning about the world and what I want to change about it, yet I feel so stagnant in enacting that change. No more- I want to get to work now. what a journey this was - and so for every reflection on GQ ✨

Been going through some hoops the last few days- dropped my wellbeing journal, dropped my passions. Completed the former just now (screenshot below), and planning for the latter as soon as I write this up. even w/out the key, you can see the fluctuation... I've been learning a lot the last two days. About the world around me, about things I don't know. It's both a joy to rediscover learning, and hindrance to maintaining a balanced lifestyle- learning overwhelmed me and my day. I want to keep making things, keep a steady tempo when creating, and not succumb to processing information constantly. As appealing as that is in the contemporary state of endless distraction, learning is MORE than processing information. Remember that. Grateful for all the relationships I have. Grateful for all the relationships that are yet to blossom or are in the process of (will be socializing so much tonight- hella excited for that). Grateful for all the work I've already accomplished, and for all the privileges I have in my current living situation- the ability to rest safely, without worrying about sudden life/status-threatening interruption. I must continue to work. So many people around me will benefit from what I do, including myself. I don't want to live in the comfort of constant learning. I must stay resistant to the sweet sirens of my privileged lifestyle. I want to stress myself out, to be in pain and struggle and fear that is an inherent part of living fully and making change. Onwards, to a better now.

Ashamed of getting lost in the moment, of losing my ability to be efficient and thoughtful and a leader to myself during the times when it counts the most. Ashamed of letting myself be overwhelmed. Also, ashamed for not willing to reciprocate my friends' love and care the last few days.

Thanks for bringing that in- I've not heard that verse, it made me think and feel new things! Thank you for the reminder to keep patient, and continue to exercise my virtues- sometimes, I do throw away what the present offers because it's "not good enough". But that shouldn't be putting me off. And truly, I do hope to expose myself to the tyranny more. Looking into my present with gratitude, but also noticing all of the oppressions it contains is what pushes me forward. Without that, I doubt I'd want to struggle and work so much. And not a day goes without exposing myself to others' oppressions- I am so privileged to be employed, to have 3 meals a day, to have clean water, to be safe from violence. That too, helps me remember why the pain I'm putting myself through is a choice. Thank you so much for giving me your words as an opportunity to reflect and heal 💛

Hey! Thanks for stopping by. I definitely hear you on that- my life isn't all that horrible, by any means. I am very much grateful and using my current situation to my best advantage AND ALSO understand deeply that I want to be elsewhere. I think that there can be room to hold both true. Where I am is a necessary step towards my next destination. And it still sucks. I can't wait to grasp that freedom you're describing- I'm glad you get to enjoy it in your own way! Thank you again for sharing, you made me smile 💛

Would love to join- is there a particular place you post? Is it a group or individual thread?

Not feeling well today. Feeling weak and small and unsure. I hate this state of being. I know I'm grand, I'm capable, I am infinite- like all other people around me. In particular, these feelings come from the following: The usual indecisiveness about my future/present: I know where I want to be, but am continuously unsure of how to get there. I am working on my passions, but through such intense mud and pain that it always puts my work in question. Should I surrender and try something else, or is this pain inevitable no matter where I go (historically, the question has been, "duh, yeah") Feeling unsatisfied with my present life simply through the virtue of knowing that it is NOT what I want my life to be. How radically, ambitiously different have I become, huh? How have my needs shifted! But I hope, to some of those, it is simply residue from my friend's visit being stirred up. I want to make the most of my life. I want to escape this prison of 9-5, of isolation within a community that doesn't value the parts of myself I value most, and which I have little value of myself. I want to be resist, I want to rebel- but in the moment, all of that adds up to continuing to work on my committed passions, and trusting that they will lead me towards that future. Perhaps not immediately, and not as easily as others would. But that's where I can try my best. That's where I can create a long-term, sustainable career- in animation and writing. Photography is not a core passion of mine. Nobody will pay me for speaking to strangers on the train, however much I'd love that to happen... But within all of that is a strain of truth I've been evading for too long: I am not treating most of my actions as worthy of their time. I do not treat my current living situation as "enough" to be turned into a movie. I do not believe in the current version of myself to be capable of living in such a way that success and abundance radiates from me nonstop. But that's not true. I can, I must see my current living as enough- otherwise, how can I ever achieve my work? For that, and other reasons, I've finally signed up for counselling- starting January, yay! In the meantime, let's keep making more friends and connections. I will get out of this prison. I will be free- and I already am, if I turn in the right direction.

I thought so too, for the longest time- especially when it came to exercise/large projects. I'd precisely measure quantities- be it reps, time spent in the gym, number of words written. It seemed to work- I got good results. Until breaking points, anyways- where the system would escape the present moment so much that I'd fail to check in on my immediate needs. Cuz those, you cannot plan ahead or measure- sometimes I just need a break in the middle of a session. By not taking care of my immediate self with over-structured planning, I slowly began to miss out on the biggest joys of life- falling in love, taking in my immediate environment, etc. . Of course, it wouldn't have mattered if none of those were in my value system. I live by the path of "least regret"- choosing whatever action I will feel least regretful at the end of the day; making choices with that meant being in the present, for me. And more surprisingly, eliminating strict planning from both calisthenics and long-term projects has led to an improvement in results. I was able to take in more joy, more emotional pleasure in the process. From failing to hold a handstand for 5 seconds to easily going up to 40, from not being able to do any one-armed pull-ups to doing 3-4 w/ both hands... I let go of my structure, and let my gut guide my routine- no amount of research and study would guide me as closely to finding the right exercise routine (b/c really, it simply didn't exist- I made up my own). I am concerned, Yan, not that you're planning too much, but rather that a consequence of such lifestyle is putting yourself deeply into a box that limits both your productive output and the ability to engage w/ the world around you. However, only because so was my experience. Cheers!

Hey! Just stumbling upon your journey, and look forward to following along. Best of luck moving towards a better, fuller living- can't wait to hear more! Po

More on my feelings towards the time spent w/ friend... Frustration for hurting my friend has grown. Regret for not doing better- because I certainly could -has grown. I feel immature in my actions... How did I fail to be compassionate so much? How did I not hear a call for help, for peace in my friend's words? Of course, there are many good reasons for why things have gone that way and not otherwise. And I believe that I did close to my best, but certainly the best I could within the circumstances. It was an incredibly new experience, and I didn't know how to hold myself. Though, I missed some warning bells: my prior experiences of failing to take enough space were ringing hard, but I told myself that it "wouldn't make anything better" and that I want to "challenge myself to keep going". Same logic as in those prior experiences- what a pity. That's one conclusion: take more space. Like, not a minute-long break, but significant distance. As much as I use the anticipation of future regret to keep myself present, what comes out of that is an exhaustion of my capacity to be compassionate and loving. If I don't take the space myself, parts of me drift apart on their own. I don't want to hurt anyone. It's not about me. It's about being a good friend. Distance is a healer. I don't want to hurt anyone else w/ a barely-conscious lack of compassion. I am only able to notice my mistakes in retrospective, but because I fail to act on my gut feelings in the present moment. Damn, am I frustrated, and I'll keep carrying this fire within- it will guide me towards a better place, I think. If I hurt others, I want it to be by choice, and not by a fully preventable, controllable mistake. Compassion is my core value; losing it means losing alignment with myself in so many ways at once. Ouch. Distance is a healer- I am healing now.

An adventurous, change-full week. A dear friend of mine blessed me with a weekend visit. They traveled far to see me, and I am so grateful for their time and resources and presence. It was hard however- I didn't realize how strong my feelings for them were, and how it felt although two tectonic plates beginning to come together. Clashing, shaking, destructive- though with time, I hope, our differences will create a beautiful landscape. Plainly put, we desire each other quantitatively and qualitatively different. And I have the "upper" plank- I feel although I want more than they do. Before, we never hang out for long enough for that to become significant trouble- our contradictions didn't have the space to bump into each other, to blossom. This weekend, I've struggled with rejection AND with communicating my feelings in a way that minimizes the damage of honesty without compromising it. I feel sorry for hurting my friend. I feel frustrated that I am hurt. I feel sorry that I am hurt. There is a lot to learn and takeaway from this experience, and for that I have immense gratitude. Already, I have a better sense of what relationships I want with myself and others. This kind of pain is exciting. And, I am responsible for hurting my friend, and feel nervous about how their healing will affect our relationship. I've enjoyed my time with them, and hope that our clash is indeed a movement towards mountains, rather than mutual crumbling. 🎇

I hear you! It took me years, too, to arrive at a point of relative calm when I am targeted, and while I no longer react with defensiveness, it's hard to respond with anything else. I tend to shut down and lock up in anxiety. We're doing our best. I doubt I will ever reach a point where past wounds don't show up, but I am moving towards a place where I can be more at peace with my trauma and take better care of myself when it shows up. Glad you're moving along with your book!

In a social culture where we're always told that we need to be harder on ourselves and/or more disciplined, I've found that the answer lies in conviction. You need to be obsessed and desperate, not guilt/shame-tripping yourself. The most passionate people are those who just care a ton. As much as I've tried to work with discipline and being hard on myself throughout college, I believe that developing a deeper passion is the sustainable path forward. Discipline and "hardness" work, but at a cost of eating away your mental and physical health. So many people in high-burnout industries tend to struggle with this. Last year, I've attended Game Developer Conference, and the workshop on burnout was filled with the incredibly effortful industry veterans in their 40-60s, all sharing how they didn't realize how out-of-balance their lives where until they got hospitalized/a family member died/etc.. Thank you so much for helping me reflect on this, I appreciate and relate a lot to what you say @MuMuMelon!

Back with another grievance, if nothing else! I want to live more ambitiously. I am back at the state where the force of habit kicks my butt, yet my drive fizzles out towards evening- I simply become complacent, compliant with tiredness. Why not just relax, why be desperate and obsessed? Hope to find some techniques for cultivating positive obsession/desperation in the coming days. Mornings and afternoons have worked wonderfully, yet evenings tend to drag. I don't want that!