Bagradain

Saturday December 16, 2023 Today is the second day I haven't played games. I'm using a new gamified productivity app. I don't know about other people, but it helps me develop new habits. I also read about escapism, and thought about it. I figured out why I hate real life. All I wanted, and want now, is a normal family. When the parents divorced, everything fell apart. But this was unavoidable. And now it cannot be changed either. It's just that after this event, there were a lot of quarrels, fights, bad memories, tears, wasted time, bullying and psychologists in my life. It hurts me that everything happened like this. Of course, this is only the past. However, I still think of myself as worthless (that's what they told me at school), and because of my disability, I think of myself as trash. I do not know why. All I know is that I hate real life and am constantly obsessed with changing my past. I don't even know how to live normally and what to do next. I hope you're all well. Peace.

Good evening. Well, I really had problem with anger in my childhood, and was often releasing it while playing games, but now I learned to take a deep breath, meditate, listen calm music and using visualisation, so now I'm making progress even with my anger. What I really like in games, it's a user interface (Level system), where you can track your progress. And maybe good graphics and beautiful drawn items too🤔 Peace. P.S. Now I realised that I playing my favourite game to get closer to my character's personality, to become a Knight in real life. Why? Knights never hurt a woman. Knights will protect innocents in danger. Knights respect and protect the law. Knights are polite.

Monday, December 11. I found a new gamificated productivity app, started using it a few days ago. Also, I succeeded at playing my favourite game no more than 1 hour per day.

Good morning. To find something similar to beautiful armor and weapons design from game in real life of course.

Saturday, November 25. Day without gaming streak: 3. 1 relapse (RPG). Wanted to see armor and weapons design. Seeking solutions.

Friday, November 24. Day without gaming streak: 2.

Thursday, November 23. Day without gaming streak: 1.

Tuesday, November 21. Today I had a few relapses. Deleted every single game and accounts in which I could return to play. Changed my phone wallpaper to "Game Over". Everything seems to be fine, but I'm feeling lots of anger and frustration inside. For some reason I reject all. Real life, my family, my girlfriend, my friends, hobbies, and even studying. I don't want all of this. Don't need this. I'm still can't understand why people are value life so much. I have nothing I like in my life. I was so aggressive yesterday, like my entire body was about to burst, and I was going to scream. Luckily, I'll helded it back. Maybe, I have more serious problems than I thought. Anyway, I'm going to continue dealing with all of my addictions, no matter what happens. I wish you a good night. Peace.

Monday, November 20. Today I was quite productive. I did a few optional tasks that needed to find a job. Also, a day ago I found a free time-limited Testing course, so now I'm learning at night and have no time to play games. (Despite the fact I still had a few relapses on Sunday). And, I changed my phone wallpaper on a building related to my favourite game. Maybe that wasn't so good idea, but every time I see it, I'm satisfied and craving to play games don't appear. I know that I need to find some activities and hobbies to replace gaming and form a new self, but now when I have no job and no my own money, I'm too nervous about what awaits us tomorrow, so all I can think about is active learning and finding a job. Maybe when I'll finally finish learning and get a job, I'll release myself and start seeking for things I like to do. Maybe I should return to meditation to hold my stress level under control. Peace. Have a good night everyone.

Ok, I guess I'll just continue my diary here.

@BooksandTreesGood evening. Maybe I did some kind of mistake. I thought you need to make a new topic each day to write a diary. Where I can see a manual for this site? Thank you.

@Captain_PilzThanks. I'll think about it. Have a nice day.

Saturday, November 18. During Friday I had so much things in my to-do list, so I was stressed out completely and couldn't resist to craving. I had a few relapses, but still slept well during the night. Today I was thinking about a lot of things. For what I'm living? What I want to do in the future? What dreams I have now, but forgot because of daily stress? You know, I'm thinking about it even now. WHY do I like gamification and games even after my wrong choice to prioritise games over studying ruined my childhood? I don't know. For now I just thinking to find a job as a software tester (I'm saving money for the courses and spending 1,5 hour on self-studying). Next, I'll plan to use my money to invest in self-education and study programming on a professional level. For my own future projects, or for better job maybe. I haven't decided on that yet. Well, now I at least have some goals. For some reason I became interested in VR. I decided to do a break for gaming and return to it (maybe) when I'll buy myself a VR equipment. Maybe I'll make my own VR game once. At this rate I'll never get rid of gaming, ha ha😅 Seriously, I don't know what to do. Few days ago I decided to continue trying to erase gaming from my life, at least from player perspective, but surprisingly developed a passion and a dream to become a VR game developer someday. I have no idea what to do with that. Maybe some of you know what's the difference between addiction and passion? Anyway, I wish you a good day and stay on the road. Deep down I know it's worth it.

@Амфібія220Добрий вечір. Зараз я намагаюся самостійно вивчати програмування, а саме C# (він необхідний для мого проекту). А ще я вивчаю тестування в ІТ, щоб отримати роботу. У мене зараз немає роботи. Мій найдовший час без RPG — 10 днів. Після цього у мене зазвичай рецидив. У певний момент мого життя, коли я був у депресії і просто не хотів вставати з ліжка, мені дуже допоміг додаток Level Up Life. Виконуючи в ньому різні завдання, набираючи Досвід і Очки Характеристик, я бачив свої сильні і слабкі сторони. Знайшов нові хобі, речі, які мені зараз подобаються, але не хотів би пробувати без програми. І що найважливіше, весь час я відчував, що граю в повноцінну MMORPG, як у SAO. Тільки без шолома віртуальної реальності. Правда в тому, що я все ще почуваюся сумним, пригніченим і злим навіть сьогодні. Тому мені теж потрібна гейміфікація. На мій погляд, життя іноді може бути жорстоким і важким як для фізичного, так і для психічного здоров'я. Тож, можливо, гейміфікований додаток для продуктивності, який використовує механізми вивільнення дофаміну, може зробити наше життя трохи веселішим навіть у важкі часи.

October 16th. 2023. I decided to quit gaming once and for all. I tried to manage my time, setting right priorities, used helping apps, but I failed again. So, my one and only option is quit it for good. It will be tough "quest", because I don't like real life at all (yet), but I must do it. To make things easier, I created a list of everyday achievements called "Hero Quest" in Level Up Life app. I just add all things that I did in games to real life. For example, "Craft a new item", "Buy a new item", "Matrial Arts Training" (this is an alternative to killing monsters to gain Exp in games), "Study ...", "Communicate with people" (Alternative to "talking" with NPC), and so on. Also, I continued to study gamification and programming to make my own productivity app (user interface similar to one in every RPG, but for real life). I finally finished writing a plan what I want to include in my app. Now all I need is learn programming and graphics design to make it real. Have a good night, everyone.