Amphibian220

Does employment offer better pay conditions than freelance work Ikar? Wish you luck in getting the job. Is teaching english your main practice area or is this temporary?

In my opinion it is absolutely fine to take a wife some years younger than you. Men frequently marry women who can be 5 or more years younger than them.

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Anna, what do you think about finding peers with the right kind of mindset (good habits). You are then subjected to peer pressure to follow the right kind of habits. I have a very narrow circle, my family and a teacher. Everybody else I talk to is a very limited interaction (nothing beyond small talk)

Your appearance is good Jordan, you are diverting. The ugly thing is the gaming addiction

BooksandTrees is spot on in his post. I can only say about relapsing- switch things around to see if the new balance kills the addiction. Maybe you need to find the special exercises that give you the energy for the day. Perhaps you can meet somebody at school in whose company you dont feel nervous. I took this away from Alexanderle’s journal entry: Acting out like you are diligent, hard working and time efficient actually changes you! This is how children adopt traits ftom their peers and parents. Boxing legends worked at convincing themselves they were greatest before they became greatest. So just imagine you have a role to play today and stick to it.

Congratulations John! This victory is important! May the following victories become easier for you.

Jordan, I was a hypochondriac during my teens. I was extremely self-conscious and constantly analyzed my responses and behaviour when in the group. This was because I wanted recognition. Strangely recognition has an inverse relationship to your desire. The more you seek to please and be accepted, the less you will get it (parents are an exception to this rule- I try to be nice to my parents and respect them) This sort of thing never went away instantly, but I paid attention how the confident guys didn’t think too much about how they looked, what they said etc. These continued observations enabled me to cut off a rude person who enjoyed teasing me for my weakness. Go out there and start socializing and dont think too much if somebody doesn’t like you. Being disliked is empowering, it gives you true independence. Girls notice guys like that. At the London School of Economics there were high level guest speaker events. My friend said something that strengthened my conviction: “The most boring guests are those politicians who are afraid to say anything they truely feel or think. They are so politically correct, you fall asleep listening to then. The non-politicians are much more fun and exciting.” There is nobody on planet earth that was liked by everybody they encountered. These interactions are the stage for you to develop. Conflicts fashion your character, without them you turn into a spineless creature. Just this affirmation empowers me so much, that I no longer fear to encounter people and to feel free and confident around them. Fashion that diamond that you are! Edit: Your self esteem is already a lot greater. It takes some guts to say:” I’ve been unjust to myself, wasted time and I will start doing the right things” Most gamers your age are such cowards they will be in denial about gaming problems.

@Alexanderle, I was referring to your remark that it drove you angry the other day. I wasn’t saying generally speaking.

Will give it a try today. Keep doing what you are doing because your daily reports are indicating recovery! Stay away from music. Be on the lookout and ambush your enemies laziness and boredom. I’d vote you the game quitter of the month.

@Alexanderle, You have reiterated in some posts you need to identify social activities to get out of the house more. I had an issue during my undergraduate study of being nervous when speaking to people. That also meant that when someone behaved rudely, I avoided them instead of confronting. I tried to fill up time with things like football, jogging (less communication). What you are doing better than me is you are tackling that issue, whereas I just avoided it. Wish you all the best. Recently I started standing my ground, which made me feel really good. Hope to get more communication skills including conflict management.

I cannot withold from saying how much I disagree with you on one of your regrets. I never had a girlfriend in my life- the TV guilt tripping worked until I stopped watching it, removed the poison from my head and just acknowledged not everything that you are bombarded with is true. What have I missed out on? Nothing. There are people today that have little food to eat, no shelter, and in debt in many countries. Its this deceitful programming - “you have to have a girlfriend, you have to experience parties etc. or you are a loser”. I know people that ticked these boxes of modernity and came to being morally broke. Ever wonder why movies have disclaimers “makers of this film dont support the themes expressed in it”?

“If you take risks and face your fate with dignity, nothing can make you a loser; if you avoid taking risks, nothing will make you great, nothing at all. When you take risks, insults from little people (those that dont risk with anything themselves) start to resemble animal grunts: a dog cannot offend you” From anti-fragile

Did you fill up the three that Cam talked about? 1) Escapism when you get tired of work (jogging 30 minutes does that for me) 2) Socializing (chatting with my team after finishing boxing training) 3) Sense of progression (boxing ability, work and memorization exercises give me that) Cam stated that if you dont really find your special substitutes in these three areas, video games will force their way back. Apart from that you have to build and correct major goals. I know a guy that set a goal to become president of his country. At first this invited laughs, but the mockery went away when he started doing really well in his exams.

Jay, Yes I am and something else on expectations and shock: We want to be very controlling by second guessing what the other person thinks and values in us. This is what programming does to you. It stops you from speaking and communicating freely and places many prejudices in your mind. We try to fill up any unknowns with our guesses and this influences our behaviour dynamically. It can make us overly defensive and get us to miss important signals from the partner. One of the members here mentioned the art of charm podcast. By watching just 3 minutes of it I spotted my mistakes. When I spoke to people I would look at myself more than on them. Tension would get me to miss the signals they are sending (smiles, pauses etc). This is why on my “dates”, my sister picked up on things and did the work for me. She was essentially like a radar because she understood her better and was more relaxed. When I started becoming less intense and defensive, I started following their and my signals much better. Communication became better. Religion is important because it plays a very big part in our upbringing and culture. Also, religious rules are robust- they withstood the test of time to prove they work. One such example is fasting and its associated benefits for your health. Religious beliefs are work in progress too, our understanding develops the more we study and apply it in practice.

Ikar, after my fifth meeting and a number of telephone conversations, I started feeling my potential spouses values and cultural background. I actually asked my sister to propose to her on my behalf and she accepted immediately. . I think the only way to date is this conventional approach because it works bery well and removes pressure a lot. Some pre-requisites: the trusted friend must be good socially, ethically and you must feel at home in his presence. He can be older or younger than you. He must be proactive and engaging. You can talk about all of your concerns with him beforehand. I went with my sister once and she was very good at this. I went with a male friend at another time but found him to be less proactive.

I read all your previous posts and this dating thing is the culprit I think. Just to test your emotions (neutralize the culprit), do this thing. Look for a trusted male friend (who is super reliable in all respects) . Never go on blind dates for now. If you happen to see an interesting person at work/ violin lessons, (this can take some time) just talk to this trusted friend on how you would do a meeting to consider marriage. Hear his ideas out, talk about your emotions. See if you feel good from that conversation. but I will not risk to go ahead with that meeting . Your trusted personal friend will hopefully neutralize fear, and arm you with awareness and confidence to make a decision.

Wait a sec man. Something i discovered is that I can be experiencing negative emotions without realizing it. Cam Adair mentioned it in his vlog and I had a hard time believing it at first. But it is true. At the moment you know the trigger: that girl first expressed interest but then did not proceed. You are worried that you got rejected and something isn’t right about you etc. You are pretty straightforward with this. You are unafraid to date , but afraid to be rejected (correct?) I was terrified of being not good enough, acting strange, saying silly things around women. It hurt me deep. But when I met to consider marriage, this was an entirely different thing altogether. You are now looking not at being good enough for her etc. but considering fundamental values, raising children together. She is doin likewise. Maybe you can’t make a super cool compliment, but if you can protect her and be a real husband that outweighs all the silly prejudices. Being religious is innate (its not to do with theory). By being averse to short term dates, you are being religious.

Hey Jay, will try be to as articulate as I can reflecting on what you said. Dating was like a nightmare for me even before I was old enough to date. Women attracted me, but this same attraction terrified me from young age. I avoided dating but at some moment peer pressure kicked in (movies and stuff were giving me the false impression that I will miss all my chances and be left single). Also movies drew false unreal expectations (like I have to be a super hero to be liked etc) Eventually I got to date and I felt like I was going to throw up right there. Even before the date I had very bad feelings about this and nothing could work to kill this strange spell. When I walked away, I was thankful I didnt faint, that’s how nervous I was. This was at age 15 I think. I never dated again. I then developed animosity to this thing until some time later, I realized I am by nature a religious person. 1) When you go to a meeting with a woman, its necessary to take a friend on your side (and she takes as well). I cannot go without this trusted friend. 2) When I am going to meet her I let her know I am meeting to consider marriage. 3) The trusted friends are present for the entire length of the meeting. You come together, you leave together. The trusted friend made it surprisingly easy for me. The terror was gone. My first meetings were where I kept big distance (how big? The friend did all the speaking, passed her questions on and shuttled between us. Maybe I looked at her once for the whole time). In the next meeting I spoke very carefully, but after a few I was a lot more confident. What’s interesting is that I was completely unafraid to ask her trusted friend questions about my potential spouse (from meeting number 1). But when I addressed her friend, most of my focus was about my potential spouse. Otherwise the situation could turn very bad. Both the friend and potential spouse understood and respected my approach. (I can expand on this to explain how self criticism gets neutralized when you are meeting to consider marriage) For me this was the only solution. I could never stomach dates or girlfriends.

You’ve inspired me mate! Up this tomorrow, Score a major victory and I will go to a war with you

Its very funny and peculiar to me that a person from the western hemesphere chose to learn Russian and then read Архипелаг Гулаг by Solzhenytzin. What the heck, have you got a Russian connection Ikar?

Didn’I say emotional release is important? You confronted some issues with management, felt a lot better and got more enrergy to do your work! Well done!

Jordan, this is what I understand We program ourselves a lot. But before we do that, we are programmed by people that we spend time with (parents, friends, yes TV , internet and video games) The last three i mentioned are important because they are programming you without telling you that. Did you know that at the infancy of cinema, alcohol and tobacco producers realized its much more effective to get movie stars to drink and smoke in films rather than advertise directly? Just understand that you have to reprogram or rewire your brain. Cam memtioned a brilliant idea: move away from friends and all information that plants harmful values into your head and look and ask yourself: where can i find people with good values. Also, positively respond to your false emotions to rewire your brain: Emotion: hey, you lost that girl, that’s so bad! Me : Really? It’s so bad? There are so many valuable people around. Am I one of them? What can I do? Am I a specialist that people queue up to get help from? Emotion: obviously not! Me: And all these hard working men, that heal patients, build projects, land airplanes in foggy conditions. If they saw me, what would they say about the way I’m behaving? Emotion: well, people like that would say you are diverting yourself, living in a soap opera and wasting your time. Dang you are really diverting and playing a wimpering loser

Doing healthy activities protects you from mental and physical disorders, keeps you in the real world. You are thus moving towards security. second question. Being in the game. As you sit in front of the screen to play, after some time, you are in the game. You stop noticing other things, like the passing of time, you also dont pay attention to he buttons you press, you are submerged in this world. You think its a challenge, but it is something hostile to you. It exploits your emotions to get you hooked, so when you begin to understand this point you stop trusting that emotion “i want to play”. Cam Adair explained how your brain gets manipulated for quick and easy rewards and it is asking for more and more. Just becoming aware of the manipulation process, gets you to trust your cold judgment and to distrust your desire. hope this clears up any confusion.

Use all sorts of techniques man, interdicting and distracting desire, but dont. relapse. This community gets annoyed at that, I want you to be a fighter. Do whatever you like, use dumb action like Cam Adair advised. Heck, predict and pre-empt situations that can tempt you. Attack with many more weapons, do low energy tasks when you are on super low energy, program your brain by writing down very detailed plans, but pay attention to the process of doing them also. Ambush your bad desires Alexanderle keeps impressing me with his plans good luck