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Everything posted by Alexanderle

  1. Man, this is so me. I can really see myself in this description. The problem with that, is that this attitude is a means to never be satisfied. You can always learn something new. You can always improve. We will never reach the level of complete knowledge. So there will be things, we cannot do. Time is the issue here. Regarding time, I don't think that the amount of hours is important in any way regarding your study success. What matters, is your mental energy, your motivation/momentum and what you enjoy. It is about making smart decisions and being proud of yourself. Would you also be as unforgiving and mean to a family member, you really love dearly?
  2. @Captain_Pilz I can so relate to your struggle regarding procrastination. It is a lot better for me now. I think I mostly beat procrastination. Ofc, it still passes by here and then and says hello. xD I do not differentiate between free and busy mornings. They are all the same. That way, I always avoid the trap of falling into a hole, when there is nothing to do. In the evening I already prepare certain things: But ingredients for my oatmeal on my table in the kitchen, maybe the coffeemaker ready, so that I only need to press start the next day, I put a big glass of water next to my bed and my cloths are ready to be picked up immediately. In the morning, I first drink that glass of water. I open the windows and make my bed. Then stuff in the bathroom: Shower, shaving, grooming. Then I make my oatmeal, which is strictly without sugar or bad ingredients, just water/milk, the oats and some fruits. This way, I have a clean meal already, which makes me quite full for hours and I feel motivated to eat clean throughout the whole day. Then I sit in front of the computer and do, whatever I want or feel is needed. Sometimes I work, sometimes I watch a basketball game from last night. Right now, I am trying to extend this routine, by maybe starting with some duolingo after breakfast. But this is a work in progress. xD But just this morning routine gives me a lot of energy for the day and the feeling of accomplishment. Tough to explain. But without this morning routine, which I started around November, I would have never considered to fight procrastination and become a hardworker, which then was the reason for me to quit games. The most important thing: There is nothing "left" from last night: No dirty dishes. Nothing, which is not in the right place. This day is a brand new opportunity for me to explore the world, without the "garbage" of yesterday. Regarding your physics stuff: Do you like physics?
  3. I feel like I am constantly in transition mode. The one thing, I am probably proud of the most is that I am going to the lectures, which is hard for me. I am also more invested in working out than before. Gives me a good feeling. I am also proud that despite some struggles and relapses in certain areas, I am still going. Still committed. But overall, I feel that I am not there yet. This kinda sums up, where I would like to be. But it is so hard for me. xD
  4. It is going quite amazing for me. Drawing is a little bit in the background right now. I am way more obsessed with my diet and working out. Language learning is something is still do here and then. But that is fine. Both those things I still do on a regular basis. Right now, my bachelor thesis needs a lot of attention. Regarding social stuff, it is also ok. On thursday, I had people to talk to, so that was acceptable. Won't solve my problem for a different scenario, but I am getting there. xD I am still very close to join some association at campus. But I am still not doing it right now. Have to make this jump I guess. I need to start living, like I want.
  5. @Captain_Pilz I would recommend a positive perspective. The idea of avoiding something in this case gaming creates tension. What really worked for me instead to focus on something positive instead. Like working out, creativity, your job or whatever. Right now, you are heading straight towards relapse. Which is not a bad thing. But, I also think you are doing so many things right already. Work on your morning routine. Improve it, get good at it, become even obsessed with it. I for quite a while was awake at 5 in the morning. Not anymore, but again, I really was obsessed with this perfect morning. This one of the things, which eventually triggered me to stop gaming. So stop caring about not gaming. Start caring about your morning, your drums, your body, your social life. That is, where you get the momentum, which turn the "fight" against games into an easy win for you.
  6. Could you elaborate those "facts"? Statistics are a weird animal. Is this an average value? Those 98 cents? It probably is. But we often tend to go to extremes with certain "facts" and ignore other things. For instance, I heard about a statistic that man are more risky. This leads to the fact that they are more often in jail, but also more willing to become entrepreneurs and build their own company. Therefore, many more men are the head of a company. I am not saying, what you are saying is wrong, but be careful with "facts". At the end of the day, job opportunities should be based on skill, not on gender. I hope we get their eventually and that some feminists don't turn the debate into the other extreme.
  7. I am glad that you found this place. 🙂
  8. Maybe just a bad day. I think nobody likes everything about his job 100 percent of the time. It certainly varies. The question is: Are there also good moments? Do you have something else, you could also do? Maybe something else is also fun.🙂
  9. In case @Sarma comes back, I would really like to stay on his journey. But we sometimes also have to understand that maybe one is not ready for the big change of quitting games and that there is not enough momentum yet. I had one attempt to quit gaming, when I was 19 and I failed horribly. Maybe I fail horribly with this attempt as well. Who knows. But one thing I know for sure based on my experiences: It is never to late to change and their is not something as the "last final try". You can always try again. Even if you start with something entirely else, like getting your social life straight first, fixing your diet or solve your family problems. Whatever it is. You can also change.
  10. First of all: Thank you everyone in this forum. You are all an inspiration to me. Glad you exist! Second: There is a lot of confusing here. The text down below was just therapeutic writing. Just writing it down as it appears in my head. Might contain spelling errors etc. But I don't really care this time. Was important for me to get things out of my head. xD Third: Today I feel like writing down my accomplishments. I am usually against that, since I focus on the process and not results. But sometimes it just feels good to do that. First time on this forum, since I tried that: This is day 81, since I officially quit Steam and all those games. Did not realize that I am close to 90 days. That is nice. This is day 88?, since I started my grooming and morning routine. Ever stuck to it in some way. This is day 116, since I started to fight procrastination. This is day 396, since I have eaten chips, sweets, drank cola or related stuff and overall ate sweets. Only very small exceptions, like a piece of birthday cake once or twice. I have lost more than 33 pounds since then. I can't even remember the last time, I have eaten ice cream. Still remember the taste though. ^^ This is day 460?, since around the time, where I was at my lowest point and wanted to finally change my life to the better. I would say I am successful. This is day 5, since I last watched porn. This is day 1, since I seriously am into bodybuilding. It becomes a mission for me. Not crazy, but athletic. This is day 1, since I decided that getting a social life is as important for me as my nutrition. I want this so bad. Fuck! That being said, lets start with my therapeutic writing: What can I tell? The day has been very interesting in many regards. I was awake before my alarm clock started. I was motivated, followed my normal routine and was productive. I went to the gym before my lecture, where I was once again sitting alone. Could not connect with anyone. It does suck. I feel controlled by myself. I hate nothing more like that. I beat this feeling of being controlled in almost in every area of my life. But out of all of them that is the most important one. A female student I would sometimes sit next to, did not ask me to record the lecture with her dictaphone like usual, when she had another lecture parallel to that, but seemingly another student. I felt insulted by that. It was probably because I was talking too much with another person the last time and the quality of the lecture was not that good. But she could have told me that. So know I don't care anymore. I kinda don't like her anymore. Just like that. I still have a very strict black and white thinking, when it comes to that. It is in a certain way something like rejection. I hate that. xD Besides that, this time, it was way better in the lecture, because I was doing sport before. This pushed me and I was not as nervous. Maybe I cultivate doing sport before that. If it helps me to survive this, why not. In the middle of the lecture I also had some kind of epiphany that I constantly criticise myself and tell to me that I am not good enough or that there is something wrong with me. I then realized that is a lie. Kinda a good moment, but only for a short time. I want to focus on that and cultivate it. Besides the lecture, I am now really interested in working out. This really pushes me. Also language learning is going well. But my drawing is on a little stagnation, even though I made unbelievable progress. So that is not a problem. Later that day, I watched a Ted Talk about addiction. It was veeery fascinating, what the guy said. I shared it in the forum in a thread. I can really recommend it. It made me realize a couple of things: Gaming, porn, eating, procrastination - it is all something that happens due to my loneliness and isolation. I always rejected other people and pushed them away from me. Always! As a little kid, in kindergarden, in school - even though at the same time, I wanted nothing more than to connect with them. I always felt as some kind of freak. It is logical to look for release. It is logical to look for something that makes me feel better. Why I am like this? I have no idea. My older sister a couple of weeks said that my parents were to protective and were not integrating me appropriately with equally old kids when I was young. Could be that this is the case. I always have the feel to not connect. Everything is hard for me. Except to ofc a couple of people, which is a little light in the darkness. I would do everything for them. And I know, I can also rely on them. Maybe I should talk about this stuff with someone else. I feel that I could explode right now. I feel that I could cry. One the one hand, there is my progress and I feel I am constantly climbing the mountain. But on the other hand I am now at a point, where I feel stuck a bit. I know that it is only a very small step and my probably make the biggest progress in my entire life. Therefore, regardless of a little bit of some discouraging feelings right now, I will continue. I am tired. But also my momentum is very high. But I still feel like a failure, even though I am not a failure. It is more like helplessnes. There are so many things, I want do in some situation, BUT I AM NOT DOING THEM. How can human beings be so different? Shouldn't it be normal for me to just do those things? Why does a person like me seemingly need some guidelines, rules, routines and basically everything in a very analytical, technical way? Why can't it all be more spontaneous? I am more a maschine, which constantly gets repaired than a human being. Alright, now I watch a movie. I just feel like it. Avoid my emotions a bit. I am like a time bomb. Not in a negative sense. It just feels like too much things in my head. I had to get them out in this journal. At the beginning of joining GQ, I was doubtful with journaling, but this shit is so helpful I was looking again for sport associations, which I think are interesting to join. Still the money is some issue. I don't like to spend that much. And I am also not sure, which association. But I have and want to join one of them. I need some kind of social interactions. Usually, gaming via discord with other people was sufficient. But I am not really doing this anymore. It is crazy that I am still not craving for video games. But I am craving more for certain foods and porn. But even there, everything is fine. I am like a little cyborg with some bugs. ^^ If you are still reading up to this point, you are crazy. 😛 But also thanks and watch that Ted Talk. It was reallly valuable for me and my process. Made me realize something, what I have to do and where I am right now. Spoiler: I am a little rat in an experiment, which used to drink cocaine water all the time. But I found some normal water in my cage as well. And I felt a lot better because of that. Since my journey started, I found more and more things, which I can do in that cage. Occasionally, a little sip of water here and there, but I keep finding more and more. The biggest struggle now is that all those things are still not enough. I am looking for other rats. I am still alone in that cage. At least I feel like it, even though it is not completely true. Ok, now I will go to bed. Everything is out. It feels better. But I am now really tired man.
  11. Good luck with all the challenges, which are coming. And you also already achieved quite a lot of progress. Can't wait to hear from you through your journal. 🙂
  12. @Captain_Pilz that is a really good question. For me personally, I think it comes down to isolation and loneliness. I had nothing really outside of my appartment and their was always this screen in my room, which would be a little bit like the drug water. I think I spend the last couple of months trying to improve my rat cage if we use that terminology. Maybe you have similar experiences.
  13. I have seen that it has been mentioned here and then in the forum, but just today via accident, I watched the Ted Talk by Johann Hari called "Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong. I highly recommend it. Some of those ideas I already knew deep inside of me, but I couldn't really forumulate them properly. He did it straight on and everybody, who considers himself to be an addict, should watch this. 🙂
  14. @Amphibian220 That happens, when motivation fades away. It is normal. Motivation is not reliable. Been there, where you are right now just a couple of days. Bad eating, porn, procrastination, less motivation. The last days I built it up again. Looking at my list of goals, trying to focus on, what I care about. Now I am back on track: No porn in days, crazy energy and willingness to workout. I want to get better with working out. Now let's go. Take control back. Get some momentum. However you are able to do this. It starts in the morning with making your bed: First win, shaving properly, next win. A small 10 minute workout? Next win. Yesterday I was randomly chilling 2 hours in the morning in my bed. Today, I was awake before my alarm clock and ready to roll. Could not await to start the day. This is how you start moving again. Get up brother. Come one! Ps.: Throw those snacks in the garbage. Fucking stuff is slowly killing us. All those people, who invented these snacks, chips, chocolate, gums - they are murderers. Eat healthy instead.
  15. @Xgamer We all have these days. There will come better days again. May tomorrow come. 😄
  16. You are right. I should not overwhelm myself with that. I sometimes try to do too much at once.
  17. @Xgamer I am glad to hear back from you. And about why I would see your response despite changes: I was reading it before and you were changing it, once I almost completed my response. xD Regarding the life goal, I agree and disagree at the same time with @BooksandTrees: I think that life goals can be very valuable. But what is a life goal? I don't necessarily think about them like: What is your mission on earth or like what are you destined to do? LIfe goals can be anything: Maybe you want to travel more, you want to go to Australia, Mexico or Paris. Maybe you want a sixpack, a good relationship and some really good friends. Maybe you want to learn new programming languages, being able to draw and what not. Even just a goal that I always aim to try to take care of myself, like i would take care of a person, I love - I also consider that a life goal. Overall, in my opinion, there are just 3 rules to consider with life goals: 1. They should be fun to you and give you a good feeling. This can sometimes be tricky, since especially we as ex gamers are prone to short term gratification. For instance, I don't always feel like working out. Sometimes, it is just tough to start. But once I start and once I am finished, I feel sooooo good. Way better than I ever did with gaming. No question! 2. They should not be something negative like "I don't want to game anymore". Or: "No more candy for me". I never eat candy. I hate that shit. But my life goal or however you want to phrase it, would not be that I want to eat healthy. Make a difference imo. 3. They should be easy to get into. In addition, don't start with too much at first. Don't overwhelm yourself. When you are socially anxious and your goal is to become a party animal, maybe you should not start with going to every party you can find, because that can exhaust you. Better start with a simple gathering here and then or start at least leaving your appartment twice a week. Whatever it is. Start small. Not to much. Totally different question, whether becoming a party animal as a social anxious person would be meaningful. But that is a different topic. ^^ So yeah that would be my take on life goals. And the good thing: It seems that you already have some clues, what might be interesting for you: Last thing: It is great to see that you are commited. But don't be too hard on yourself. You are just a human being. Not a robot. And we are here to help you. That is the good thing about this forum. We help each other!
  18. In general, I would also be interested, but I am a bit shy, when it comes to stuff like that. Have to think about it a little bit. I am also worried a bit about my privacy, since I am also sharing a lot of internal things here. But maybe in the future. 🙂 I think that it is an incredible idea and I would like to hear something from other people. Especially those, who have been on this path a lot longer and are more experienced. I am learning from them everyday. Also, because for many people, who have posted hundreds of posts, I sometimes don't find the time or motivation, to read the entire journal. I think I am therefore missing a lot of things.
  19. First of all, I think that Icandothis is right: Eveything you feel is valid and needs to be expressed. And I think that this is important, otherwise you will find other, sometimes more painful ways to get it out. I see what you mean here and why you would call them fake. But I have the feeling that you are very negative when thinking about these people. Did you make some bad experiences with these people or where is that coming from? Something that I see with those "perfect" instagram influencers, is that they are trying to create a picture of themselves. They want to be seen in a certain way. But isn't this something, most people try on social media? Only posting the positive stuff. Only presenting themselves at the beach or with friends? Using the amount of followers or "friends" as a measure of fame and success? This doesn't mean that they are bad people or self-centered per se. They are trying to find a way to understand this life for themselves? Sure, there are also black sheep and people, I really don't like, but I think overgeneralizations can be a trap sometimes. This is something, modern psychology is not focusing on that much. Sure, your childhood is incredibly important, but it does not have to define you for ever. For instance, the Freudian idea of the oedipus complex is overrated. People emphasize more the neuroplasticity of the brain. You can still define, who you want to be regardless of your past. I know, not entirely, but to a certain degree. That is basically me. I am still often alone and have this feeling that other people are having fun outside. But this is also not necessarily true. The same, where people are presenting themselves on social media, in a similar fashion their "happiness" with see in the real world is also only one side of the coin. But I guess, despite knowing that, it can be hard to really relate this to your own life. In the same way, where I have to deal with my "irrational" fear of rejection. so beautiful to read those words. I hop you can sustain this perspective and create momentum with it. 🙂
  20. Never thought about that like this before. The problem is that often I blame myself for that. Something, which surely should stop. I slowly are starting to understand that. I always hated smalltalk for instance, but the idea of smalltalk at the end of the day is to find commonalities. I see, what you are trying to say. And you are right. But the problem is that this kind of threat still feels real. People with certain anxieties still feel these things, like if they were really existing. That makes it difficult to really get rid of the thought carussell. Those are really beautiful words. And I also agree with that. I think a problem is also that despite the ego is just creating these illusions or stories, it also tries to find evidence for them. Like someone is not talking to me, I start to relate it to myself. Someone is making a mean comment (never really happened recently), I have another piece of evidence. So right now, I am starting or trying to look out for counter evidence. But thank you both. Very useful advices.
  21. I feel that a new level of momentum is coming. I had a very good and effective day. I woke up early, I did my full morning routine and started to work for university. I am thinking about, what James Clear says about Pregame Routines (https://jamesclear.com/how-to-get-motivated). I used some things like cleaning my desk, drinking a glass of water and having my coffee ready as well as turning my phone and all distractions off. Also activating my distraction block program for the browser. This worked quite well. I also started to create a huge list of goals, I want to achive and a list of "identities", which I want to become eventually. Let's see what happens with that. Like usual, I let those things develop. Regarding my social life, I generally feel that I get a kind of necessity. The feeling that, if I don't get this right, why even bother with anything? That is not something bad, as it also worked for changes in my diet. So maybe this necessity and negativity, paired with my goals, could create even more momentum. Like I always say: I will never go back again. Only forward. Oh, I also resisted porn to today. So overall, it was one of the better days this year. No I will go to bed. I feel that going to bed a little earlier helps extremely. So good night world. Tomorrow, I will turn into a beast I feel. And if not, I will be a sweet puppy. xD
  22. Interesting. I will try to ponder that a little bit. Seems right that I try to be friends and nice with everyone. And then I kinda always blame myself for stuff, for instance, when I am not best friends with the whole world. And yeah the problem is that I find enough time to ruminate about relationships. Should I get more busy? xD
  23. Ok, I do understand, what you mean with instant gratification. It is just fun to do, whatever you want. Just straight up enjoy this stuff. I did this pretty much for 20 years. For me it was not only guilt, but even worse stuff. At some point, I really considered myself to be a lazy fuck. I seriously hated myself, I called myself pig in front of the mirror. I don't know, what I feel when thinking back regarding that. Just guilt? Anger? Hate? Disgust? A little bit of everything maybe. I do that as well here and then. Just yesterday I watched a funny animal news bloopers compilation. I died of laughter. What should be wrong with that? Why feel guilt regarding that? For me the problem was that I felt at some point that I felt being controlled by it. By everything: Sweets, fastfood, gaming, porn, binge watching, binge eating, social anxiety, procrastination, self violation, negativity. The feeling, when you buy around 8 croissants for like 2 Euros and then all the sudden, you just eat them all at once. Or when you buy a big glass of Nutella you just can't stop yourself and eat the whole fricking glass empty. Or you order two big pizzas. Before, I always knew, how I would feel afterwards, but then I did it anyway, without control. And I would feel miserable. The same with gaming. When I would sit there in the chair at 3 in the morning, my back completely in pain, me tired as fuck, but I am just not able to stop. At the same time you see, how every other area of your life goes down to shit. Like when I would play dead by daylight for 8 hours one day before an exam and I knew that I would still have to learn for it. But then I did not do that and would get a bad grade. That is exactely my life. I know it still is. The moment I start eating candy again, I will be in the loop again. The moment I will start to game again, I will not be able to resist. This shadow is still haunting me, but now, I am in control for the majority of time. What makes these new habits so cool, is that these decisions are not based on something, I have to do, but something, I consciously decide to do. Sure, sometimes I am tired, sometimes things are hard, sometimes youtube distracts me. But most people get distracted here and then or like to watch some netflix. Not a big deal. Some days, you just need to relax get some downtime, maybe watch a series or eat some crap. We are human beings. But now I feel like I am in control. Just thinking about that makes me realize that I have not hit myself in the stomach for months now. Just in this moment of writing I do realize that. Never really thought about it. There are so many things, which I hate. And in general, I try to be a nice person. But I also have my hateful moments, especially when thinking about the past (bullying etc.). But I recently asked you, what you want in your life? Who you want to be? I asked, because this was like 50 percent, which created momentum for me. I hated myself so much that I verbally and physically hurt myself and I also wanted to become ripped desperately. Like really desperately. I felt that if I am not able to even to this one thing and if I don't achieve that, what is the point of even living? It kinda became my only real passion next to gaming. This is what it started with. Gaming, I quit like 11 months later. Maybe you should find out, what an important goal of yours is. Something important. And something that seems doable to start with. For me it was diet. For @Amphibian220 something like football seemed to be a passion. For other people it might be to go to a charity. For other people it start with making their bed or cleaning the room. I don't know. I have no idea, what other people want or need. But I know that it is worth to find out in this life, what you want to do and what makes you so miserable that you don't want it in your life anymore.
  24. Why do you feel regret about not doing that? Maybe that is actually a good thing. I feel that if I could do it again, I would change basically everything. I am not sure, which one is better.
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