ElectroNugget

DAY 72: Thanks guys for all the wishes. I want you to know I really appreciate all your kind words and support. I'm just going to be really honest here because I think I need to get these feelings out of my head and onto the page. Maybe writing things down here will be cathartic. I'm really, really devastated right now. I've been holding back tears all day. I went in to work and did a drawing of Tiger for my mom, to make a print so we can commemorate him. It was nice to spend a lot of time looking at pics of him, remembering good memories and trying to capture his essence on the page. I'm glad I did it. And as I've said before, while I'm not always getting an 8hr work day in, I'm glad that I've reached a space where I feel like working most days and at least produce something. It's a lot better than the past year or so, where I'd often come to 'work' and get nothing done, just sitting and playing Civilization. I've been talking about my portfolio since February of last year (feels like aeons ago), and it's nice that I'm FINALLY getting something done. I suppose that's progress. All that said, man I am hurting. Last year, I was clinically depressed for a few months, and I can feel all the telltale signs and thoughts again. It really boils down to this: my life is in shambles. I can't hold down a job, a relationship, or even change bad habits like my porn use. I feel weak and worthless. I feel like everything I've attempted to do since I left university 4 years ago has ended in misery and failure. I am willing to take on responsibility, but I feel like I'm in a place where nobody is willing to give me any. When I had a job last year I was doing much better, I had a schedule, people to talk to and work to accomplish and feel good about. Life had a direction, and my days had some meaning. Now my life is void. I work alone every day, on a project that I'm not even sure will pay off, and now my pet is dead and my latest girlfriend is gone. All events beyond my control. Am I just weak? In some areas, I am reaping the results of years of lax behaviour. Days spent playing Civilization instead of painting. In others, I have been extremely unlucky. Every relationship I've ever had (four now) has ended due to long distance. Every good job I've ever had has been temporary, and I've been canned when projects fell through. I've battled with chronic anxiety and depression. I've had two big breakups now that were closely followed by a death. So many of the things that have assailed me in the past four years were beyond my control. Am I cursed? Or do other people live their lives with the same bad luck and just keep going? Am I just not strong enough? What am I doing wrong here? I don't know. I'm really struggling. I want to play something, but I know it won't solve anything. I want to be free of this pain. I'm so, so tired of feeling inadequate, fundamentally broken, and life going out of its way to kick me while I'm down. I can't stop living in the past, looking at old lovers and seeing how happy they are now. I look around and see people with jobs, houses and kids at my age. It's not that I necessarily want that, but then to look at myself and see just, a fucking mess, it's just so disheartening. I couldn't have those things now even if I did want them, and right now I don't feel like I ever will be able to. I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.

Thanks to everyone for the support. @Ikar, it wasn't so much a suprise, we have been struggling with long distance for a long time. I had felt that maybe we wouldn't make it, then suddenly in one conversation it was over. It was an amicable breakup, but I don't think I appreciated just how much she meant to me in terms of my recovery lately. Not that I never told her that, just that it came as a very severe blow despite my expectations. DAY 71: So more bad news. This morning we had to put my cat down. Like my ex-girlfriend, this was not necessarily unexpected, I knew the vet was coming today for the past week, and that my cat was getting very very old (17 years), and that putting him down was a possibility. That said, it still destroyed me. My cat, Tiger, was my first and only pet. I've known him since I was 11 years old. He was a loyal companion. This week has had a huge amount of suffering for me. As I was bundling his limp body into the vet's car I just completely broke down. I've felt numb all day. All that said, I still managed to go to work and get more time in on my portfolio and finish my next piece. I guess it's a good sign that even in all this pain, I'm choosing to try to be productive, to keep creating, rather than just laying back and moping around playing games to escape my feelings. In fact, I've probably been more productive these past two weeks than I have in a long time. So it's not all bad. But yeah, man... When it rains it pours. R.I.P. Tiger, I'll miss you.

Welcome to the forums indyc. If deleting the accounts seems like too big a step right now, you can just have a family member change the associated emails and passwords and hold on to them. That way you can't access the accounts without convincing a family member to give them back to you, but they still exist. I did that with my steam account and it's worked out OK. I may delete it in future, but for now it's been enough of a deterrent to keep me away.

Your written English is very good man. I never got the impression you were less than fluent. Good to hear you had a good trip! Nearing two months clean, make sure you congratulate yourself for that properly. Keep it up dude!

DAY 70: Last night my girlfriend and I broke up. I am absolutely crushed. The past years of my life have been difficult, and my relationship with her was one of the few things I could point to as an indication that things were finally getting better. The reasons were purely logistical, life is taking is in different directions with my upcoming studies and her plans to study abroad, and we just can't keep the long distance relationship going. So, great, we don't hate each other. We still love one another, but we can't be together. Obviously, it's really tempting to give up on everything now. A big part of my motivation and help with quitting games and porn came from her, and now she's gone. I'm all alone again. I've managed to stay my hand today, but I must admit I am having extremely dark thoughts. I feel as though anything good I've managed to grasp since my depression has been taken away from me. All that said, I got to work today and put in the hours on my portfolio despite my feelings. This is a larger environment piece which is actually looking kinda cool. So I guess there's that. When will life just cut me some fucking slack?

DAY 68-69: Not an entirely unproductive weekend. On Saturday I relaxed and read some books all day, which was nice. I am noticing that I am starting to crave drawing since it's one of the few things in my life that gives me satisfaction currently. I guess it's a sign that the gaming detox is working. When I'm bored, I can't play games or do anything else really that I used to use to 'satisfy' my boredom since I am tired of the internet and Youtube. That leaves only one option: drawing. It's nice. I feel like it might actually result in more work getting done, and making some progress again as an artist in the coming years. Today I finished up a second page for my portfolio, the rock formations I posted earlier. So this was a good week, despite being sick I managed to put in some good hours and actually finish two pieces. I guess that's not half bad. It's a hell of a lot more than I've managed in the past year or so that's for sure.

DAY 67: Started out slow today as well but got several hours in working on the portfolio nonetheless. Finished my first piece for it! Feels good. Then I spent the evening playing board games with some friends. Its definitely nice to scratch the gaming itch from time to time in this manner, but I see the time as a lot more productive as the social element is so much bigger than just playing online together. Cravings for gaming seem to have subsided, even before the board games started up which is nice. And now that the portfolio is going I'm starting to feel like I'm on a roll. I just have to keep this momentum up, maybe in a month or two, I'll have something I'm actually proud of.

DAY 66: Today I was just completely exhausted. I'm still not fully recovered from my flu and it seems to be taking a vengeance on me for working so much yesterday. So today was slow. Accompanying that were urges to play that were the strongest they've been in perhaps the past month or two, I really sit and seriously consider opening another steam account to buy a game so I can play without having to ask my mom for my account back. I'm still resisting but it's amazing how tempting it is. The side effect is that I can feel that I lack meaningful things to do if I don't do art. Despite the fact that I've quit gaming, I haven't been great at changing the rest of my lifestyle yet. Most of my time right now is spent isolated and on meaningless commutes and Youtube. I'm really looking forward to getting back to university where I'll have some external goals and a social life forced on me. @fawn_xoxo Good enough for stable employment is probably my bar. I guess I have improved somewhat recently, but right now I am in such a hurry to replace my portfolio that I don't really have time to improve. At the end of the day, the reality is that I've wasted a lot of my time up until now, and my art is really not good enough to make me a steady income. It kills me that I might have to quit art because I fucked up the past few years. And at the same time, the sheer pressure of having to always worry about if I'm good enough makes me second guess my career choice. I don't know if my 'passion' is worth all the pressure and self-esteem problems I feel every day. Hopefully, I'll make more progress on the portfolio tomorrow. Can't wait until I'm back to full health either! P.S: @James Good, I think we should continue this discussion in PM's or else it's gonna take over my diary. ?

DAY 65: Work on the portfolio continues. I have a really big self-esteem issue when it comes to my art. Almost as soon as something is done, I dislike it. I can't think of a time that I thought my art was ever 'good enough'. I want to work as a concept artist, but the skill bar is really high in that area, where I might be much better as a storyboard or comic artist. Jobs are thin on the ground though, and I take it personally that I'm not 'good enough' to find stable employment. Sadly I can't separate my job from my self-worth. Anyways, still really tempted to play games. Thinking about it all the time, but resisting. That all said, I made a lot of progress today with my portfolio! Attached below.

@James Good Thanks man! I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes as well. This is kind of my last gasp at art for now I guess. Then it's off to study Software Design. It's not sad at all to want to supplement your DnD games with personal art! A lot of the stuff I drew when I was younger was during/for DnD sessions, and now often a session involves many sketches from me as things unravel. It's really good fuel for the imagination. As for advice for drawing fantasy stuff... It really depends what you wanna do. Do you want to draw characters, creatures, buildings, props? The reality is that drawing is just a skill, like carpenting. Some people might have an eye for it but anyone can learn to do it well with enough practice. But there's a big difference between knowing how to draw a person and how to draw a building. Drawing from life will improve your understanding of shapes and improve your eye (a big part of life drawing is just learning to actually look at things properly). But if you want to focus on characters for example then there's books or websites I can recommend for you.

Keep trying! It's not an easy road we tread, but you just gotta keep picking yourself back up. As long as you do that, you're no loser. I totally understand this feeling! It's really hard to work with. Two of my best friends in the whole world I stay in touch with through gaming. It's really hard to let it go, and I'm very envious of them for their ability to game and still function normally. For the first time I understand why some smokers talk about the social element of smoking. It's a huge motivator. It's OK to feel very sad and frustrated about this, just remember that in time you will find other friends and hobbies. And if need be, you can try to forge different ways of spending time with your friends online (I play DnD for example).

DAY 63-64: The days seem to crawl by at the moment. Every day I consider going back to games, I tell myself it must be safe now, sure that I can control my habit this time. Hahah, nice try brain, but somehow I doubt it. I've managed to stay away despite these yearnings. That said, I've been keeping up with E3 this year as a force of habit. That probably doesn't help with the urges, but I am finding that I am increasingly disinterested in what the games industry has to offer. Perhaps that's a good thing. I've actually started working a lot more lately, and giving a lot of thought as to how to motivate myself better. I am a very visual and tactile person (no surprise for an artist), and I'm starting to find that having a physical representation of what I want to do, where I can tick or cross things off, really motivates me. In an attempt to get my portfolio moving a little quicker I've decided to gameify the process, with each image going through stages, including visually updating a layout I made that contains all the artwork I wanna make. That way I not only have an overview of how the portfolio is progressing as a whole, but I am motivated to push my drawings through each stage so I can update the layout and see how it looks. So far it's been very effective, and I've managed to put in a lot of hours this week despite still feeling a bit weak from the flu. My aim is to get it all done by the time I go back to university, which gives me about two months. It's nice to have something to aim towards again. I've attached my portfolio plan below, images speak better than words after all.

DAY 62: Uneventful day today, flu finally seems to be nearly over. Spent most of the day sleeping and reading. Really looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow!

Thanks for the continued messages everybody it's really nice to log on every day and see something new. You're all awesome. ? DAY 61: This is actually exactly what I was starting to think about today. I've passed two months game free (although I have still wasted a lot of time on other things, and watching games), but I still don't feel like things have really lined up yet. Today it became clear to me that setting really long term goals has been kinda screwing my ability to get things done. I've had a really long term goal of updating my portfolio for over a year now, but I've never made it much past the preliminary stages because the task itself is large (2-3 months of work), and as such the deadline is always far away even if I set it in such a manner that I would have to begin tomorrow. What I instead have experienced over and over again is looking back on a half year/year and wondering why I didn't produce more? I think the secret is in the long term goals being so broad and distant that could always put off work for another day. And suddenly a week slips by, then two, then a month, then a year. Starting this coming week I want to try setting really concrete short term goals and deadlines every week. I have a plan for next week, but I'll share the results once it happens. I've read somewhere that speaking about your goals before you accomplish them can give you a sense of completing them. Not this time.

Hey man. Just found your journal and read through it, really like your writing style. I see a lot of positive energy growing in you in your later entries which is really encouraging to see. ? I like your rule of only drinking water (rather than placing the focus on quitting something), I might want to steal that. Keep up the good work man it seems like you are making a lot of progress!

You will go through all sorts of weird things as your brain adjusts to your new lifestyle. Funnily enough, our brains are very resistant to change, so when you force something like this on it you will almost feel like you are fighting with yourself. Know that it's natural and normal to experience it, have compassion for yourself and hang in there.

Good luck with your journey Cammy! I've found that uninstalling the games is not enough, you need to put more steps between the urge to play and playing again. If reinstalling is the only awkward step, that's pretty easy to overcome. I handed over control of all my gaming accounts to my mother. Now if I want to play a game I'd have to get the password from her somehow (very unlikely) or I'd have to start a whole new account, which is so stupid that even strong urges can be pretty easily countered by this.

Thanks @George Wyatt, that's the plan. DAY 54-60: I've been sick since last Saturday with the flu! Hence the lack of updates. After a truly miserable week, I'm finally starting to recover now. Of course, I was completely unproductive during this period and spent most of my time in bed half conscious watching Star Trek or competitive Starcraft matches. I guess I could have tried to read or draw, but I was so out of it half the time I'm not sure it would have been worth it. I was VERY tempted to break out the Switch to try and distract myself from my illness, and although I didn't do it I do feel like all the Starcraft I watched was a kind of living vicariously that maybe I'm not OK with going forward. I don't know. Of course, I've been in a low mood while being ill and I've felt remorseful about the state of my life, while also not happy about the prospect of never playing again. I guess it will pass when I get back on my feet. In other news I've been accepted for a Masters Degree course in Software Development in ITU, a prestigious university in Copenhagen, starting in August. I suppose I should be happy about it but it almost feels like quitting on art. Nothing seems to satisfy me. ? I really just want to work somewhere fun, drawing cool stuff alongside people I like. But picking up some software skills should help me to pay the bills in between these periods where I can't seem to find full-time work as an artist. And I'm sure going back to university to learn something new for two years will be a lot of fun. I just can't help but feel like it's an admission of failure on the art front. Once I'm up to full health I want to try ban all electronics from my bedroom for 3 weeks and focus on that as the main (and only) habit I'm trying to change for the immediate future, and see how it goes.

DAY 53: Uneventful day again, it’s a long weekend currently so I’ve been taking it slow and relaxing. Game urges have been incredibly strong lately, really want to boot up one game or another, even considered what it would take to do so (starting a new steam account, etc.). Very strange, but I didn’t give in. I can feel quite strongly now that quitting is not enough in itself, now that the numbers are getting higher and resisting urges isn’t taking up all my energy it’s time to start implementing some new habits to fill the gap. I think I’ll be spending this weekend figuring out what that next step is gonna look like.

Thanks for the rundown dude, gonna go over this this weekend and see what I can apply to my detox plan! Edit: I’ll also do a write up of some of my strategies later! It’s 2am right now and I need to sleep. ?

Thanks Cammy! I’ve been doodling dinosaurs since I was a child but I only really started taking my art seriously in my early 20’s. I went to an animation school in Denmark and since then I’ve been doing it professionally with varying degrees of success for about three years. To be honest if I hadn’t been such a huge gamer I think I would be a lot better at this point (hence: more job security), and then I wouldn’t have to be seriously considering quitting art. The battle between my career choice and my former lifestyle is one of my biggest motivators to quit videogames. I’m hoping I can rectify my skill gap in the coming years with all my newfound free time! Edit: Forgot to mention that I use a Wacom tablet and photoshop to make most of my stuff. ? DAY 52: Very late entry today but really want to get back into the habit of posting every single day, so here it is. Honestly a very uneventful day as it was a public holiday and I had a migraine headache last night. Slept most of the day to recover and watched Star Trek. Really need to dispose of my iPad and bringing electronics into bed, but I’m really wary of trying to change everything at once. In the past I’ve often had big bursts of motivation to try and reinvent my whole lifestyle at once and usually my experience is that that never lasts. Changing everything takes a lot of willpower and regressing is all too easy (even NoGames and NoFap together are almost impossible for me), so I’m trying to pace myself and allow things to be imperfect while big changes like NoGames settle in. In time I’m hoping the ‘long view’ strategy works to create more lasting change in my life. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll feel recharged and can continue with my portfolio. No games! Past the halfway mark by a week now, feels good.

If the nature of the forum makes you uncomfortable, why are you here? I can assure you I’m real Enny, I’ve been playing games for 22 years. My first game was Red Alert on PC in ‘96. And everyone on this forum is here because they’ve played far too many games and have found it detrimental (in some way or another) to living life to its fullest. I love video games, and I’m grateful for them, and I miss them, but I don’t need to be reminded of them. Asking you not to mention games in other posts has nothing to do with making you comfortable I’m afraid, it’s about being respectful of the people here who are struggling with video game addiction. You can’t walk into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting swinging around a bottle of vodka in front of the addicts there with the argument that it makes you comfortable. Then again, I guess you could, but then don’t act surprised when you are shown the door pretty quickly. The point is, this is a space for recovering video game addicts to feel comfortable, and if you want to be here, it’s a small courtesy you’ll be expected to extend to them.

DAY 51: @James Good, I’d love to do some commissions, you know where to find me if you ever need any. ? Short entry today as I got home very late. Today I started training to get my Danish drivers license. I had one when I lived in South Africa but it’s not transferable, so I have to start from the bottom here. I haven’t driven a car in about 9 years, but once I spent an hour in the seat it was like riding a bicycle. I really look forward to being able to drive again! This is something I’ve been meaning to do for years, but I always put it off. Now that I have all this free time it’s actually doable. Nine weeks from now I’ll be eligible to drive in all of Europe. Another point towards no gaming. I also did some more illustration work for a client today and setup a business PayPal account to use for my international clients. That felt very official. Things seem to be slowly picking up on the art front. I’ll continue working on this client for the rest of the week, then it’s back to portfolio next week, which I’m really looking forward to. Overall a good day! Honestly there’s nothing better than ending a day feeling like you made progress and got important things done. I need to remind myself of that next time I think about sitting around watching Netflix all day.

Really powerful stuff dude! I think this is one of the keys to really moving on, believing wholeheartedly that you are done, and not just taking a break. Deleting your steam account is huge! Even I haven't had the balls to do that. ? Keep it up man!

DAY 50: @James Good Thanks man! Yeah I have a portfolio here: https://www.artstation.com/johnmuller. I'm in the middle of reworking it though so it's a little empty at the moment. @AssellusPrimus Thanks dude. Actually I haven't really established a morning routine yet, but you've given me some really good ideas! I've been using an app called Everyday to track my daily habits but I haven't been super disciplined about doing them at a certain time. Getting all or some of it done when I wake up like you suggested seems like a solid plan. I'll look into integrating it. And yeah my gf lives in Munich, I'm in Denmark. She's gonna come back in September though! Today was a good day, finished up some bits and pieces of freelance work, I'm slowly clearing my schedule this week of all extraneous tasks so that I can start a big push with my portfolio next week. Overall a good day as I got a lot done and feel proud about it. Also halfway to a hundred days! How nuts is that? I'm kinda living vicariously by watching the odd Starcraft match, but not enough to distract me from working so I guess it's OK. Really been boosted by all the responses here guys. Thanks. ?