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fawn_xoxo

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Everything posted by fawn_xoxo

  1. Day 214-5.   No games, day 9-10 + previous total of 176.  I missed yesterday's entry cause I was so busy. I'm having some trouble motivating myself to do things I gotta do, thanks to the weeks of relapse probably. Thankfully I can't not do those things, else there will be consequences, so yay. I've started eating cleaner again. For the past two days I've had at least one fruit and one vegetable per day. I don't drink enough water though and that's really bad but I'll try to fix it. As expected, my sleep is great without games and I'm thankful for that. I have had some cravings to play ever since my routine turned more lonely again, and it's obvious to me I will do better if I can live with other people who I will want to be involved in the lives of. I'm reconsidering some vain things, like style choices and such for myself, which might be trivial to others but for me it's part of identity and self expression. I might dye my hair another color and in general put more thought into how I present myself. Small things in appearance, colors and patterns, they give me tiny mood boosts I've noticed, so why not? I thought I had more things to write but I guess feeling anxious to go through my necessary tasks has robbed me of that for now. Might update here after a couple of days.
  2. You have the right mindset man, keep going. Just remember if at any point you need a break from being brave, you can always just spill your thoughts out in the journal too. We've all gotten disheartened before.
  3. I have been in the same place myself. Recently I kind of relapsed for a few weeks, and I had forgotten all the crap gaming put in my life. I had to go through hardship again to remember it. I am glad this was of use to you, even if it might have been a little hard to re-read. Stay strong, vigilant and expect hardship + boredom both. They're part of the process.
  4. Well done on staying away from games man. But, how are you feeling? You say the problem is you. What are your thoughts and emotions at this time? If you want to share, of course.
  5. More time? You need to get busier. Free time -> relapse, everyone here will tell you this. And for some people even 1-2 hours devoted to nothing are enough time to allow for 'moderation' that will take you back to square 1. (Me being an example if you care to go through my journal) Why do you call it a panic? Do you experience symptoms of panic? Wanting to have meaning in your life, spending your time doing something that matters, is connected to being human. According to https://www.asam.org/ : Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. From this very website: What Are the Signs of Video Game Addiction? Preoccupation with video games. The individual thinks about previous gaming activity or anticipates playing the next game; Gaming becomes the dominant activity in daily life. Withdrawal symptoms when gaming is taken away. These symptoms are typically described as irritability, anxiety, boredom, cravings, or sadness. Tolerance – the need to spend increasing amounts of time engaged in video games. This may be motivated by a need for completion of increasingly intricate, time-consuming, or difficult goals to achieve satisfaction and/or reduce fears of missing out. Unsuccessful attempts to control the participation in video games. Loss of interests in previous hobbies and entertainment as a result of, and with the exception of, video games. Continued excessive use of games despite knowledge of psychosocial problems. The individual continues to play despite negative impact. Has deceived family members, therapists, or others regarding their gaming. Use of video games to escape or relieve a negative mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety). Has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, educational, or career opportunity because of participation in video games. I don't want to tell you whether you have an addiction or not, it's not my place. But I will leave this here for you as a reminder: " the fear of missing out with CoD BO4 where I have spend hundreds of dollars on the game to buy the tiers I couldnt get before they went away. Cause you know, I NEED THAT GUN at lvl 100 tier. Lately I also startet to feel angry and frustrating emotions whenever I lost I feel so compelled to game, that I dont get any homework or preps done for the school and when I am in school, I often think about gaming somehow "
  6. Welcome to the forums! Although since you're now single it might not be your priority, I recommend you look into the book about self esteem in my signature, because I've found it really helps with establishing correct boundaries with people, either loved ones or not. All in all, the dependency thing resonated highly with me since I've been a people pleaser myself but slowly growing out of it. If you'd care to discuss it more I'm here! Don't want to write an essay in your journal just because! xD Be strong and embrace the hardship and boredom that are coming your way. It's all part of the process.
  7. Keep going! We've all avoided the difficult realities of life by playing games, and most of us have something stressful waiting for us when we quit. It gets better the more attention we give to real life, the more time passes away from fake worlds.
  8. You are not alone in this. Going away from the things we knew is always difficult. I have been struggling with my identity as a person for a long time ever since I started this journey. The label of an addict has stuck with me, and games taking up all my time (free or not) have done wonders to put my self esteem to zero. I will tell you my own experience, maybe it will align with yours, maybe not, but this is how I thought I might be useful to you. Realizing I messed up made me feel really bad about myself. It wasn't just the games, but rather the consequences of being only a gamer and nothing else for years which led me to feel so horrible, worthless etc. Truth is, for me, there was no meaning in my life, because I had spent all my years, years other people spend to self-discover, hidden in my house, behind a screen. And it was scary to be in that place, not knowing what I like and what I don't like, if we exclude games. I started doing things no matter whether I felt like doing them or not, and it helped. TL;DR we have to give a lot of things a go, and we will read our own reactions, and get conclusions like that. The other side of the low self esteem and all the consequences of gaming is.. well, as you might read in mine and other people's journals, we all have this negative mindset. All or nothing, black and white, catastrophizing etc. I have learned that it has a name, it's called cognitive distortions, and there are tools (worksheets) you can find online to put those twisted opinions we have about ourselves into perspective and reality-check them. It is also called the Socratic Method and other things like that, but basically we don't get satisfaction from completing goals because we have unrealistic ideas about what success looks like, what we should be like etc. I suggest you look into that, but also do worksheets you will find online. Else nothing will change. And surely I struggle with finding meaning in life, but the more things I try (the more time passes), the more I can exclude things from my potential desires/to-do lists/dreams and such. For me it's been a trial and error thing, and relapses really hurt the process cause they distract me with that sense of purpose that's really fake in the end. Sexuality is a very personal thing and no one person is the same with the next one, but I'll tell you what I think. If you want to have urges to fap, why are you doing nofap? Surely you must have seen something of a pattern in your alone-sexual-life that you wanted to change, right? I would be glad for not having urges, because it'd make my life easier. It's the same with gaming, I'm happy that urges aren't happening often. Why should you be worried? Busy people naturally don't get sex urges if they don't have free time. They think about other things. A lot of the times masturbation is just the result of boredom or habit, so I wouldn't be surprised if I were you, given you are leading a much busier life than you used to, right? I would only be worried if I was seeing a woman, I liked her, I was about to have sex with her but my body wasn't responding accordingly. I'm a simple person maybe, but that's the real use of libido the way I see it, so anything else I wouldn't care about.
  9. @PureDiscipline Thank you for taking the time to post a reply. I don't really experience problems with socializing, I can talk to a lot of people. I don't really get interested in doing that often though, but that's just me being selective. How do you experience loneliness because of your computer focused job? I'd like to hear another's point of view.
  10. Day 213.   No games, day 8 + previous total of 176. It thankfully doesn't feel like my first week of detox, I'm so grateful for that. A week ago, and for some weeks at that, I had this chatter in the back of my mind, always occupied with games and distracting me from my tasks. I would be thinking about games or about talking about games with friends online, and it was sucking all my energy. I've distanced myself from that and I don't have those urges anymore for the majority of time, but I haven't figured out why I was behaving like that. It's okay though, I can do analysis of this one thing sometime in the future. During the last days I've come to the realization that boredom is the root of many of my bad habits. I don't really have empty days, however it appears like I need a more busy life in order to keep myself satisfied and stimulated enough, that I don't seek that stimulating in mindless X, Y, Z, including socializing and eating and watching content. One problem I have is that a lot of the things I have come up with, as far as hobbies or professional growth goes, need a computer to produce results, and that limits me to a specific place, my house, or coffee shops where I will be limited because of noise around me, or people being able to look at my screen. I admit I have been thinking of drawing again, but I feel embarrassed about doing it in public. I don't want to spend my days alone, is another truth, but I'm more comfortable drawing at my desk than in a coffee shop. On one hand I'd love to be able to create beauty on screen or paper, but it's a lonely process and I don't like being alone. It's been difficult, trying to identify my issues with people. I realize I've not had the most healthy of mindsets in this. I've clung to some, hoping that imitating them would give me acceptance only to end up in self conflict. I've then had to face a lot of bad feelings because of that, or feeling lost about who I am, where my boundaries are etc. I've been doing progress on this the last months, and I've had chances to be "the real me" next to people I value in my life. They seem to like me better now actually, which naturally encourages me to try and find me even more. Nobody is closing any door on my face. While socially and professionally I've been seeing results, I haven't put any thought or effort into my fitness level. I would prefer to have a body I'm proud of. I don't like to show off, I don't care to be fit for the beach and pool or anything, but I do feel bad instead when I see fat parts of mine exposed. So I'd like to be slimmer with less fat. But for that I have to become responsible and dutiful again about what I eat, the water I drink, mindful about it all. To be continued later on maybe.
  11. Welcome to the community Tommy. What made you decide to stop playing games?
  12. Day 212.  No games, day 7.  It's really late but I'm checking in either way. I'm satisfied with myself. Things are gradually getting better for me, mental state and everything. I'm starting to look at things more evenly, balanced and detached, instead of insecure, fearful and doubtful. I'm working on my unrealistic expectations, and every day seems to offer some tiny progress in this field. Life has been good and offered me chances for self discovery and expression lately, nothing big, just occasions in which I could dare be me, spontaneously and adventurously, and it's helped me with self love and acceptance and celebration, if only inward. I really don't know who I am in some aspects. I've had ideas about doing some things, which I never bothered to bring to fruition before, but now I'm slowly giving them a go to see if they are me or if they don't suit me. I'm thankful for being clean from games and for all the chances I've been given in life.
  13. I have started it and put it aside, a year ago or two. It sits on my bedside table actually, but I never finished it. What do you think I could benefit from, when it comes to the book? If you could give a few small bullet points? Curious.
  14. Day 211.  No games, day 6. I had another gaming dream today. It's funny to observe it, isn't it? Just four weeks and it all came back in full force. At least I know the process, since I've been through it before, and I know what to expect from my mental state. I feel slightly bad about abandoning gaming friends, but at the same time I feel like they aren't healthy gamers either. Maybe it will do them good to have one less devoted party member. But above all I should think about me and what's best for me. Distance is what's best for me, and focusing on the things I can develop in life. After writing a small novel on another thread about negative thoughts, I realize that I'm not doing self care properly. It's one of the many habits that gaming pushed away from my life in just four weeks of moderation... I need to start my day with gratitude and with evaluation of my situation. I need to correct my unrealistic expectations that make me feel sad before they overwhelm me for hours and take over my whole day. I need to do these things in care and love for myself, before I try to love and care for anyone else. And I also need to set boundaries. I have come to realize that I still care too much about other people's opinions about me, more than I care about doing what I believe is right for me. I see this even in my recovery process. Someone might tell me I need to just move on, and I'll try to satisfy that scenario instead of tending to my emotional needs. Or I'll feel like I'm "crazy" for needing to journal, because nobody else in my real life journals, and I compare myself to them and also feel that they'll see it as a sign of a problematic person. There are a lot of beliefs like these in my mind, and they hurt me and delay my recovery. Sometimes I wish my negative thoughts away, but they don't go anywhere. I stay half present in my life because of them, whereas if I took a break to tend to them and correct them I would feel much better after, if not completely relieved. But I hesitate to do that, because I want to look tough, like I'm doing great, like other people. It's unrealistic expectations all over again, and denial of my circumstances. I've hurt people around me while I gamed, and it makes it harder for me to let them see me struggle. I don't want them to doubt our bond, I don't want them to doubt me. I don't want to let them down again. Admittedly some people in my life met me as a gamer, lazy and detached. Those people don't always think the best of me, because they've never seen me do better than that, they didn't know me before I touched games. They don't always help me, when I feel bad about gaming. They might tell me that to them having emotional instability is who they know me for, or going back and forth between struggling with sobriety and struggling with gaming is all they've seen of me. And I understand, I did this to them and to me, but it hurts to hear. And I realize it's not the type of person that can help me get up when I'm feeling low about my situation. In those cases I shouldn't involve them at all maybe, I should just listen to myself, as hard as it is when in company of others.
  15. Hello Tzen and welcome to the forums. You are starting off well, turning the page and being honest with your wife. I would like to suggest that you include a little hobby slot in your busy days already, and not wait till the house stuff is dealt with. There are hobby lists around the website here you can use, but you probably already have ideas about things you might like. Start, don't postpone the beginning, because only by replacement of those gaming hours will you see recovery. Another thing is to expect reality. Our brains have gotten rewired by gaming mechanics and as a result we don't get satisfaction from anything real. Everything seems boring at first. This is something you have to accept, and the hardship of the first weeks is something to expect and embrace. You'll be bored and dissatisfied mentally, but that's how you know you're making progress. Boredom is proof you were addicted, and also a stage in this recovery. With time passing your brain will adjust and you'll start enjoying these new activities. I urge you to begin already, even if you don't feel like it. Trust in the process and experiences of all of us who went through it before you. Don't linger, it wasted a lot of time for me. Wish you the best. Persevere.
  16. When I first realized I was addicted to games, I went through a long period of self loathing. I haven't felt lower than that ever before or after. Every day passed with me thinking how I ruined so many things in my life, including my appearance and relationships, and I was unable to escape it. It made it difficult for me to take action, to believe I could do differently, or that I deserved anything better. Time helps, because at some point you get sick of feeling so low. Some times people can help us realize we're "comfortable" in that self pity, self hate mindset, but for me it only started getting better when I decided it. I don't believe in affirmations, they make me feel like I'm trying to persuade myself of things I don't believe to be true in the first place. Those haven't helped me cope with negativity. The Socratic method is what helps me and relieves me, when I do it. Full disclosure here, many times I'll have nagging thoughts that I'll do nothing about and that's on me. A lot of times I still just go on with my life, wishing the negative thoughts will just disappear, but they don't, because their original job in our brain is to protect and prepare us. (Explaining this here actually helps me too tbh..) So, unless I check the facts so to speak, my negative thoughts remain in the back of my head, making it hard to enjoy even good moments (because I personally also feel guilty for having them, they make me feel lesser and "crazy"). The Socratic method gets used in psychology in what they call Cognitive distortions worksheets, where you start with how you feel, the thoughts that caused you to feel this way, then you proceed with evaluating the factual truth of those statements that pop up in your mind. You have to really sit there, focused and consider objectively what is true about your negative thoughts and what isn't. It's important to firstly read the list of cognitive distortions we all tend towards, so that you know what you're looking for. After you do that, you've basically taken an at least half false/exaggeration of an event or opinion and filtered it through reality. You can accept the reality or continue with the false thoughts, but for me it seems this logical processing of heavily emotionally affected thinking really helps. I don't need to tell me I'm this nice kind person in front of a mirror, it instead helps me to conclude and thus realize I'm at least better than what I told myself I am in my mind. This adjusts unrealistic expectations, at least for the time around the worksheet, for me. My personal mistake is I only do those when I feel really overwhelmed by many negative thoughts, instead of being consistent and responsible about it. I also feel embarrassed to pause something I do to do those, if there are people around me. But I know that's all limiting me, beliefs I have that come from a wrong opinion still. Thank you for your post in my journal, I was relieved by reading it. Hope this is of use to you. Search cognitive distortions worksheets online to find more about this, I suggest you do one of those every two days at least. Don't be lazy about self care like me. XD
  17. This might not be what you want to hear, but why are you introducing video games 3 out of 7 days of the week in your life? Maybe you can't stay away? If that is the case, then it means you're an addict, right? And if that's true, then you shouldn't be playing at all. Just my 2 cents, from my personal experiences ( = relapses) when I thought it was fine to reintroduce games in my life, even 200 days after.
  18. Day 210. No games, day 5. I am so unpredictable. I have a bad memory, really bad memory, and that makes me surprised at myself. Facing my fears again in this time, I am discovering personality traits in myself, things that I enjoy doing that I didn't before. Some of those are in social situations, certain people allowing me to be more 'me' than others, or bringing out certain aspects of my personality. Either way, I am having a good time, the more the days pass, the more I find myself again. I wish I could see some loved ones more often, I have quite a bond with some. I would like to make it so that I see them more frequently, I should keep it in mind. My bad memory makes it harder for me to keep up with the work on certain fears I have, because even if I get exposed to, say, cats, and there is a long time between one encounter and the next, I forget the strategies used last time. And I get upset and anxious and sad about myself even having a fear or phobia, and it has to start from zero again. This is why I write this down here this time, maybe it will help me remember. The more distance I take from games, the more chances that come up in my life for a more active lifestyle, the more I understand that it is what suits me the most. Being on the move, exercising or not, but certainly doing a lot of different activities. It gives me life and excitement and energy. I dreamed of games the night before as well, and again I was happy it was a dream. I value my sanity, the quietness of my mind, too much. I know what brought the relapse on me the last time, I will watch for it. I have researched 12 step programs and some other books and resources I've read about on the forums here, but I decided not to put my energy in to looking back. I know what needs to be done for me to move on: do things, fill my life with enjoyable activities and tasks that fulfill my goals professionally, personally etc. It feels longer than five days since I gamed last, but I don't mind. I just notice how time passes for me now vs before. Maybe many sentences or paragraphs in this entry won't make sense to you, reading this, but it's alright. As far as the process of detox and getting my life back is concerned, it's still going forward. I am just spitting out my thoughts. I rather like trying out new things. And I like celebrating my personality, all the traits that make me, me, I like being proud of them. It's freeing and relieving, especially compared with the really low/non-existent self esteem of before. I am not there yet, not a shining star or anything in confidence, but I am better than before and that's all that matters. Gaming, and maybe other things too, left me with a perfectionist's mindset. I have to be X, Y, Z, or else I'm a failure, in many fields of life, professional, personal etc. I still find myself worrying about being flawed and not perfect and flaws in me, and others, as if somehow I should be seeing everything and everyone around me as examples, or perfect objects and situations. I don't know where this comes from, but I'll keep searching as I always do. I know it's wrong though, and it only makes a perfectionist dissatisfied, promotes their greed for more things, and all around doesn't serve us at all. Gratitude is the practice that answers to that, and I admit I have been too busy during the day and too sleepy at bedtime to do it. But I should do it today.
  19. Well done with your progress man. Couples fight, sometimes it gets bad, sometimes it's easier. Love isn't fairytales, it's giving and putting in the effort every day, every week, every month, every year, because you know you have something good, even if it's not always good. You are not perfect and she is not perfect, and that's fine. Chasing after perfection makes us miserable, makes us really demanding of others and of ourselves. You seem to be doing really well, personally and with your relationship. All the best to you, keep going. It slowly gets easier every month, would you agree? It's been my experience at least.
  20. Day 209. No games, day 4. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So I changed some things, I worked a little, spent a lot of time with loved ones and contemplated. Most of all things, it's time that I need to get better when I feel bad. Time with activities different than what I had been doing till the point of breakdown. I have been getting more and more stable emotionally ever since I left games behind once more. I had a dream about gaming today, and when I woke up I realized it was a dream, and I was happy it was a dream and not reality. I don't want the side effects of it, as sweet a distraction as it was. It was ruining my life AGAIN. So no more. When I have no responsibilities and duties to do, and if I am emotionally stable more or less, I am okay with just 'wasting time' with family and loved ones. I can 'waste time' the whole day, and still I feel quite fine with myself and my day. I just need to not waste full days in a row, else I'll feel without purpose and such. Going back to gaming brought my self esteem issues back, low self worth, doubts about myself, my identity and all around anxious, negative thoughts about impending doom for my life. I don't know why I am unable to detach one from the other, but I don't care for that Pandora's box any more. As much as I'd have liked to have recovered fully in the past six months, it wasn't enough recovery to keep gaming from becoming a nagging little voice always urging me to act differently from my schedule/routines/goals. Now I don't have that voice, cause I don't feed that voice. I haven't gamed since Sunday and my mental/emotional state has been getting better and better. I'll keep my distance, and will get my sanity back. I realize that the environment we are in also plays a role. Some people will react to my bad emotional state one way, others in another way. And as a reaction, I might feel better or worse about it. Some people are just better at dealing with people's feelings than others, but I need to recognize that I owe it to no one to feel or be a certain way, no matter if my state affects them. If I get sad because feeling bad makes other people feel bad, then it's obviously not a good dynamic. When I feel bad, the type of person I need around me is a strong person who can show me the positive way forward, show me that I can turn the page, but still allow me to feel how I feel and go through those feelings (of mourning, in a way) on my own time and pace. If I make people sad by being sad, then I guess I should put some distance between them and me? So that they don't feel sad, and so that I don't feel worse than I already did. Which is hard when you love people and care about them, but I need to remember these strategies, else my emotional state becomes worse, and so does that of other people. I am still learning strategies like these, really.
  21. Day 207. No games, day 2. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I got up and exercised some, I've been up for an hour and a half but my mind is glued to negativity. One bad thought attracts others, and they become an ever growing metallic magnet ball that gets bigger and bigger, drawing more pins and needles to it. My process is, I get a negative thought and it makes me feel bad. I might feel guilty, if my negative thinking is about someone else, or I might get sad if it's about myself. I don't like these thoughts and their existence, the mere fact they pop up upsets me. Here we go again, I say internally, here come your negative thoughts. I wish them away, I fight them. I don't want to have them, but something inside me struggles. I make people around me concerned, and I feel pressure to be well and with a good mood, because it affects them too. I feel like I should be another way, I feel under scrutiny even if it's not their intention. I wish I could wave a magic wand and go back a month and stop myself. If only I had stopped myself, I wouldn't feel so bad now. But it can't change now. I deny reality, because I don't like it. I don't like facing these negative thoughts again but gaming refueled them. ...I napped while trying to write this. Silver lining is I'd not fall asleep easily while gaming, now it's not an issue it seems. On top of having negative thoughts, which I cling to, I have the luxury to linger in them and feel bad about myself. I want to find my neural paths back to positivity though. Maybe all my laziness and privilege is stopping me from doing what's right. I have the luxury of staying in bed and mourning and whining about myself, so I do it. And it didn't help but it's easy, cause I'm not taking any action. What did I do before I went back to gaming? I had negative thoughts too, and they tortured me. But I made an effort. I challenged them by filling in cognitive distortions worksheets to find a more realistic thought. I moved on to do my work either way. But now I haven't done any of that so far, I'm just sitting here, lingering in misery. Stimuli -> Freedom of choice -> Response I might have negative stimuli as I get bombarded by negative thoughts, but I have the freedom to choose what to do with them. Earlier this year I remember writing to someone else, at a point when I was strong and feeling good, that we are not our feelings. I remember telling someone else that when depressed, it's not going to work to lie down and make our feelings, us. It's same for our thoughts. We are not the thoughts, we are not the feelings, we are the consciousness that has a choice how to act and what to do. It's scary to know and take responsibility for ourselves like this. I feel it now, how I feel like it's more weight on my shoulders that I can choose to do differently. It's weird. Later on the same day: It only started getting better once I got to work.And now around 3 hours later I am better than I was before. I am thankful. I have to keep on taking action. I have to remember, when I feel down, I need to do something, despite not feeling like doing that something. And I should focus on me, my progress, and my life. Nothing else.
  22. Day 206. No games, day 1. I count the last month as a relapse, part of the journey, sure, but a relapse. I deleted everything and I'm not going to give myself even 2 hours of games. I can not deal with them, the last four weeks were an unnecessary(?) experiment and now I gotta continue my journey, living my life, not focused on something else. It was hard to commit to removing them again but I did it and here I am again. I can not do what I wrote yesterday without removing the games. I can not just play for 2 hours. I can't. I am done feeling bad for myself, I need my carefree days back, true relaxation, quality time with myself, and to have fun without guilt. I have been feeling guilty and ashamed and angry and frustrated, but with the help of my support system I went ahead and took action, not just words, to change my situation. Games are no longer an option for my schedule, they will have no slots. It sucks for my addicted part of the brain, but long term it will make me happy and balanced again, at least better than I have been the last weeks. Bye games. Hello life.
  23. Day 205, later on. I am grateful for having people who love me, appreciate me, respect me and accept me. I am thankful for having material goods, a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear and in general all my basic needs covered and then some. I am grateful for nice views, having the option to be lazy and not work, and having options in general. I am grateful for being free and living in the western world, which is better than the eastern world in many ways. I am grateful for having gotten hooked to video games and not something else, something with long term damage to myself that is beyond repair. I don't know why I feel bad. I wrote that long post earlier, and after it I felt better. But I didn't take action on what I said I should do, and maybe it's been eating me from inside. I don't feel good, sitting around wasting time, even if it's the weekend, it seems. I told myself I can start my new schedule from monday, but spending my sunday doing nothing much left me feeling bad. I think I am majorly traumatized by my past with games, because I feel bad just being in their proximity. I am trying to repair my relationship to them but it's not going great. Truth is, I was doing better before, and I was away from games, even away from this forum. I was working hard, accepting that I had negative thoughts but ignoring them and taking action anyway. I spent my days doing things, and I didn't have to come in contact with my triggers. So, I don't know if it's a good idea. Maybe I'm foolish, staying in proximity when it causes me pain. My mind is otherwise empty these last days, having no specific task to do, no full schedule, or even half full. I am doing whatever I want, yet my mind manages to instead fill up with negativity. It is so much work to have to correct all the twisted negative thoughts that occur to me, too, and I haven't done it. I have become overwhelmed by them and I am sitting here, doing nothing productive, but expecting to feel better somehow? It's unrealistic, and it's just wishful thinking. Sitting around and trying to enjoy being lazy is not a good idea when I am also getting triggered and the negativity floods my mind. Playing games because I 'deserve some time off' is also not a good idea, cause.. I need to deal with those bad feelings that linger in the back of my mind. And thus, I need to take action. When am I going to do the things I should be doing? I will make a schedule today, for the day to come. And like before, I will make a schedule for the next day every day, at the end of it, and keep to it as much as life allows. I might revisit my self-esteem book, refuel my belief in myself and remind myself I hold the keys to this life and what flavor it will have. I have been lazy, and I have not been focused on my goals except one in my professional life. But I have sort of achieved what I needed to achieve there and been without purpose for a week or so. I haven't been achieving anything, really, just been sitting around, and it's not done anything for me. It's only contributed to making me feel like a loser. Maybe this has all been a trap for me, thinking I can do it, when I can't, cause I still feel so bad about it. Or maybe the problem is the focus. Without focusing on what I can and will do, all my energy goes to the negative, what I fear will happen and so on. Either way, I commit to making a schedule for myself for tomorrow in which I will fill all the hours with productive things, or free time spent doing social activities, or things that contribute to my self esteem. Getting back into the gaming community sucked all my energy, with the fears and all. It's like having PTSD in a way. And I forgot how to schedule my life, and focus on me and what I want to do. I forgot. But through this hardship, this difficult emotional situation that's been going on for a few weeks now, I see that I did this 'return' all wrong. I put games into a frame, but everything else faded out of the frame, I planned when to game but didn't plan anything else. I feel better, thinking this will help me. It worked before. It made me feel good every day, even if I had negative thoughts. I felt in control, I did something good for me and my future everyday and I knew it, I had my schedule and agenda to show it to myself, ticking things off my to do list. I have put all of those things aside, even before returning to gaming, because of some other circumstances with my RL. But now I will get back on that horse. Tomorrow I will do things for my current professional life, and invest time to get better opportunities in the future too. I will do something to improve my health and my appearance. And this will make me feel good, because it will be in tune with my inner values and my goals. I will write these things down here, even though I won't be tracking them on the forum. Goals Get fitter Get lighter Work every weekday Improve my skills in my profession so that I have more chances for future jobs Have quality relaxation time Have quality time with loved ones, return the love and support I have received, and be present Do artsy/creative things and channel my creativity through that Have a morning and a night routine that is consistent Get acquainted with spirituality Start a class for another professional direction These are what I should be focused on. Not how to play so that I won't turn into an addict again. That was the wrong focus. Fear was my guide and it was wrong. It was negative. Now I will look at who I want to be, and do things that take me to that direction.
  24. Day 205. Days without games: 176/205. No caffeine: Day 7Will I play today? Probably? I'm unable to stay away from sweets it seems, and I feel really unstable emotionally. I am not out of control, on the contrary I'm monitoring myself very closely and my loved ones are helping me with that, but I am afraid of myself. Because I play every day, I feel that I depend on it. Unlike series, I like gaming so much that I look forward to it, and socializing with gamers regarding games. But yesterday was different and it was both good and bad, but I feel very bad as a result. I feel so guilty about wanting to play, even if it doesn't take away from my time. I feel guilty even if my loved ones tell me that I've been doing great with all my duties in life. It's like I'm trapped in this junkie identity and I feel like I am a really bad person for liking games, no matter what my reality is. I spent a big chunk of my day yesterday with loved ones and as a result, as has been the case the last weeks, I find myself uninterested in gaming and socializing online when I have the real thing. When I have real people in front of me to talk to, I don't look for people online. And it's good to see this, to understand my needs. But I feel bad because of how big a change I go through between these states. When I'm with people, whether they're close to me or not, I almost don't care about the online people. I don't find the same things to say as I do when I'm alone with nothing to do. When I'm alone with nothing to do, I notice now in comparison, it's like I focus on trying to have something to talk about, that I talk with people without a real reason, I talk with them for a subject, repeating it over and over, just so I can do the activity "talking" and I can waste my time like that. I feel like I use online people like this to waste my time with them, and I feel it really isn't in tune with who I am offline. And that makes me feel guilty. I feel like I change my behavior drastically, from a person with values and manners and genuine interactions in the real world, to someone superficial and only after one thing online. I feel like the online version of me is unfair to other people and when I am faced with this realization I feel shame. I know that I don't become this other persona online accidentally. I understand that it's a switch that happens because I'm desperately trying to use online chatting as a hobby, something to spend my time on, when I have nothing better to do. And once more that leads me to wonder about the things I should include in my life. I get so overwhelmed emotionally from all this, and I really need to write things down like this, so I can process it. Otherwise I just sit with my guilt and shame about my actions, and I don't see reason, I don't realize that it's not that dramatic. How many people behave differently online than in the real world? Probably many, if not the majority. I'm not the only one who uses the internet to waste time using hobby topics as a crutch. But I feel that it is really not good for my self esteem, I want truth and honestly and transparency with myself. I don't want to feel bad about my actions online, when I see the differences between that and my offline human interactions. And right now I feel bad, but it's okay. I need to do something about it, correct this behavior, and then I will not feel bad about it. This describes the whole idea behind this time of my life in general. I'm struggling to correct the bad things I did with games, because I feel like, unless I ban them completely from my life again, I will carry these negative feelings with me about them always. But the truth is, whatever behaviors I did earlier in life, whatever behaviors I notice myself do now, I have the choice whether I think they suit me. I just need to think more, it feels like. Because one bad emotion can take me feel such a burden if I don't attend to it and extract what it wants to tell me. Without a schedule, I have all this free time that I am not prepared to deal with, without any purpose except those I create and choose for myself. 200 days later and I am still unsure about it, that's how it works, really slowly. All in all, I've figured out a lot of bad things for me come from being so lazy and wanting to be comfortable and also having that option in the first place. I need so much more action in my life to feel happy. I need to be doing a lot of things, and progress, and I need little free time to recharge. I want to do well, I want to grow, because being in challenging situations makes me work better and motivates me, but I have made my life so easy that work bores me and games and chatting seem like a more interesting alternative, yet still leave me feeling like I want more, like I'm not fulfilled with them. I don't condemn games, not really, even if I get very ashamed of myself for liking them, in my personal struggle. I understand that when someone wants to just waste some time, they're just like a movie or a series or a phone call with someone. But I think that my life doesn't have anything in it that creates that routine people have, their 9-5 jobs (which often satisfy multiple needs) and then the defined me-time that they don't feel bad for wasting. But lately I haven't had my priorities straight, and that's because of all this freedom to do as I please. To stay in bed all day, if I choose to, or play all day if I choose to. I did nothing of those, but even if I did I would have no consequences, and that's a bad thing. There is no elder relying on me, or any small one crying for my attention. I've worked smart and I could go months without working and still live decently. I need.. nothing. And in games there are always quests and they make you need something, which I guess.. is a big reason why I got hooked before and why I get urges nowadays too. It's because they give me something fake for me to need and thus achieve, whereas I have made my life easy and it needing nothing from me. But maybe I'm too complacent and my wants are too small? I don't need a big house or expensive furniture, or special food and whatever else. Mostly everything I want, or at least think I want, I have. And shouldn't I be happy? Instead I'm looking for more through games? I guess that's the nature of man, always needing to achieve something. But I'd better think hard and figure out what REAL things I'd actually enjoy achieving. Else I'll just ultimately stick to fake achievement in screens.
  25. That's why I asked you if you WANT to change things, if you think you need your life to be different. That's all you need in order to start taking different actions. You don't need motivation, it's just nice if you have it, it makes things easier. You don't need to feel good about trying new things, actually that doesn't work like this at all. If you already feel good, why do something different? Right now is when you have to realize this place of things sucking is just yourself telling you that you aren't satisfied with just laying around and doing nothing. It feels bad, but those feelings are proof you need something else. So try things that you haven't tried before now that you have free time. Don't expect to feel better, especially not immediately. The process is more important than the immediate results. That's something about life in general, unlike games, it's a lot of putting in the effort beforehand and only reaping results later. We get used to it.