BooksandTrees

Nice! I love bouldering. I had to skip this week but I'm gonna try going on Sunday. I usually do v0 to v3

The apartment managment found out what was causing the vibrations!! This fucking retard in the unit below me owns a massive water vibration furniture piece the size of a couch and that fills with water and vibrates all night long because the owner sleeps in it. Only my unit has complained about the vibration out of 700 units. And I didn't feel it for weeks. I KNEW I WASN'T FUCKING CRAZY. YESSSSS. WHAT A TURN OF FUCKING EVENTS. I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 2 WEEKS FOR MORE THAN 3 HOURS A DAY. FUCK IGNORANT PEOPLE WHO DON'T WORRY ABOUT DISTURBING OTHERS. EAT SHIT. AND THANK YOU TO MY APARTMENT MANAGMENT.

Lol my tire blew out on the way to work and I almost lost control of the car. I'm lucky I'm alive, but I'm just laughing at my day and past few years overall.

I hate my apartment. I can feel the heating and cooling system vibrating my floors at all times. It's making me motion sick and I can't sleep. The lack of sleep is causing more sensitivity to the vibration. The stress is making it worse. I can't stand it. It lasted for 1 week in July and went away and now it's back for 2 weeks. This means the people below me are blasting their heat and it's not cold out yet. I hate how I can't ever find a place to live. It's terrible. I went through all of the terrible living issues with my old roommates and my mom and now this again. I contacted apartment managment and if it doesn't get solved I'm gonna talk to the people myself who live below me. Oh and on top of this my ceilings are 20 feet lofts and my smoke detector is beeping lololololol FUCK THIS SHIT. Nothing ever works out for me I swear. Nothing.

Today was difficult. I had to confront both of my parents individually regarding their treatment of me. I held strong and logically explained why they had hurt mt feelings in the instances that occurred this week. After some repetition I finally explained it thoroughly enough to get my point across and proved it to both parents without any issue. Both events ended amicably. I'm very proud of myself. One issue I have is ther inability to relax recently. I can feel it in my head even. You know that feeling of mental release you get in your temples and above your forehead when you relax and you feel like your face is melting in relaxation? I'm ther opposite here. My whole head is so tense with stress and I can't let go. I'm leaning so heavily on porn that it's hurting me. It's just the physical and mental release I'm craving. It's really annoying me. I really hope I can get to a good place where my body feels better again. I'm pent up, stressed out, my body is tight, my muscles are weak, my confidence and self esteem is low outside of work, and I just feel the tension everywhere. I started my Fitbit group for exercising again and want to change my habits. If any of you want to track your exercise with me just let me know.

Thank you. I think today was better. I want to maintain a certain schedule and I think breakfast is a strange motivator for me to wake up since it's my favorite meal of the day.

I think the fact that you've stayed away from games is a testament to your growth as a human and you should be very proud of yourself. This is a huge development when you compare yourself to when you were trying to quit for the first time. I focused on quitting games, social media, and then browsing the internet, but can't quit porn at the moment. It's tough to manage the incognito things. Work will get better hopefully and if not you've got lots of power to change. When you feel like you're going nowhere just remember your progress and take time to gather yourself.

Sometimes we just gotta observe ourselves in these patterns and understand our bodies. Maybe it's just not the time to get these difficult tasks done fully and you can do some subtle things to prepare for when you are ready to get them done. You're doing great though so keep it up and be patient.

I'm sorry to hear about today and your partner not supporting you the way you need and deserve. I am very proud of you for staying strong today. It takes a lot of awareness and discipline to exercise and remain in control instead of giving up and playing games. Games won't ever solve your problem or make your situation better. You proved that you're a difference maker today and you should be very proud of yourself.

No, I was recommended by Cam to read it, but I had too much going on and felt it would just overwhelm me with self improvement stuff. I don't really read those kinds of books because of it. I was just curious is all. Glad you liked it.

Just an update on today. I feel a lot better. I stuck with my routine and go through the day. I also created a small gym routine. I think going 5 days per week is going to be too ambitious for me so I'm going to just be more active during the week and also going to the gym 2-3 times per week. My goals are simple with the gym: Get out of the house and into an environment where others are also exercising Relieve stress in a healthier way Potentially make some new acquaintances/friends in a social aspect Try to get more energy Try to lose some weight and gain muscle Try to aid my posture Try to gain some more self confidence outside of the workplace environment Get better sleep Be more patient with the gym and not expect crazy results or treat it like work. I just want it to be another part of my weekly routine I also got a fitbit and the fitbit app on my phone so I'd like to keep that going. I set my daily step goal to 5,000. I think 10,000 is really ambitious for an office worker so that's not happening. If anyone wants to join me feel free to let me know. I think progress can be made in numbers.

Just keep following your routine when you get a loss for motivation. It keeps you honest and keeps you going. You got this.

That's awesome. It's really nice participating in a community with someone who can influence you like that. Which language is your native language btw?

That's very true and I really try to apply this sometimes. I don't know if that's a partial negative where "I really try" and "sometimes", but at the moment it's factual in a way. I read a quote from one of my favorite hockey players the other night which said "When you have no motivation, turn to your discipline and routine for strength". It's true. I made 3 meals today, went shopping and cleaned my apartment like every Saturday, kept good hygiene, and spoke to a friend or two. It got me in a better mood, out of my apartment, and performing tasks for myself. It got me through my depressing thoughts and I stopped thinking about wishing for a girlfriend, better hobbies, or better life. I was able to just enjoy the moment and stop being anxious. I had some tea, sat down, watched a comedy show, and took in the sights of my downtown from my apartment window. It's so hard to not go through life without ambitious/unattainable goal setting. I think video games got me in that thought process - specifically RuneScape. You start planning out how to get all the 99 stats, etc. It is so lofty. That's a 3 year goal for a gamer addict and a 1.5 year goal for a severe addict. Even a 5-7 year goal for a casual gamer. I feel like we all do that with hobbies. Sometimes it's just important to relax and enjoy the day and process. That's why I won't fall back into gaming. I know it just leads to more pain. Even if my day is painful, gaming would just lead to more pain because it would make me feel ashamed of myself on top of other pain. I'm thankful I don't crave games any longer, but I don't crave games because of my routines. When my motivation gets low, my routines save me.

Today I'm 53 weeks free of video games. It's been a tough week as I feel the full brunt of depression closing its hands around my mind. I'm a little worried. I woke up at 730 this morning after 9 hours of sleep and just felt no reason to wake up. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I'm not suicidal. I just have nothing to do today. There's nothing fun I'm looking forward to doing again. I've had so many weekends this year where I'm either doing a chore or something for someone else to wake up. There's nothing I'm interested in doing so I just don't care. It makes me feel bad. Video games gave me a fake reason to wake up with excitement. I'd wake up, not hit snooze, get breakfast immediately, and just play for 16 hours straight all happy. I know that's an addiction but I'm struggling to find anything remotely similar. The hockey game is on tonight. That's 3 hours. I gotta get groceries and cook. That's 2 hours. I gotta pick up a suit or some crap. That's 30 minutes. Only the hockey game is fun there. There's no adventure there. No fun. I want to go on a weekend trip with a woman. I want to visit breweries, go fall hiking, discover cool restaurants, have sex, and plan the next adventure. Right now I'm just waking up after trying to sleep an extra 3 hours for no reason. Probably gonna watch porn and go grocery shopping lol. Sweet! I gotta find something soon. Rock climbing is fun but not something I can't live without. I just struggle with casual life. I feel like I need to be working towards something and having to be unhappy about it. I have those classes I bought for art and stuff, but I don't want to wake up and work. I need to get creative and have a fun reason to wake up and do something on the weekends.

One of the best series of conversations I've had with my therapist have been about recognizing negative thinking and letting yourself know it's not ok to think those thoughts. I'd have imaginary arguments with people to feel better, think I'm lonely and miserable, think people are bad, think the world is terrible, etc. I'd catch myself in those thoughts and just try to change my mental environment so I wouldn't fixate on the negatively. It really helped me. Once I stopped fixating I was able to elevate my awareness. I'd recognize my negative thoughts and then have the choice to investigate those thoughts and why they exist or to just change the landscape of my thoughts again and consciously decide to think about something else. I think you're on the right path. My advice would be not to beat yourself up if you do have negative thoughts because everyone has them. I'd just stay patient, observe your thought patterns, and allow yourself time to not think about them. As we try to change our lives we start to notice so many things that we'd like to change and we can burn ourselves out. Keep up the good work and be kind. I see you've been making good progress so keep it up!

What did you think of 'The Slight Edge'?

I've been exploring these emotions of mine just so I can learn from them. I get less depressed when I just relax, stop worrying about these philosophical questions of friend and romantic relationships, and just enjoy the moment and tell my stories. The issue is I'm too smart to trick myself into doing that. I know at the end of the good time I'm going to be lonely. I don't want to keep playing ignorant to the loneliness. Work was interesting today. We had a Halloween party and I got lots of attention from some of the really beautiful women at work again. Just the flirting, storytelling, etc. I'm always surrounded by tons of women trying to get my attention. Then nothing. None of them want to hang out with me after work. They say they want to do something and then never do it. I learned this last year. So because I've learned what the routine is, I get kind of upset about the whole thing. How fake it is. I appreciate getting the friendly flirts and conversation. It makes me feel nice and special. At the end of the day I'm just bothered by it because I wish I had a beautiful woman next to me right here. These women at work make me tell stories and they all just sit there laughing and talking to me. They love what I have to say. I just wish I had this at home. I wish I had my companion to go travel with and tell jokes, have adventures, listen to her, share our lives together, have sex, etc. That's the only reason I get upset about the whole thing. I'm jealous of the attention I'm getting because I'm appreciating it so much, but jealous that I can't have it when I really want it. I want to have plans with a woman at night and on the weekends. I want to coordinate fun trips, activities, drawing, watching hockey, cooking together, exercising, eating shit, yelling at squirrels, you name it together. I don't want to suffocate each other either. I just wish I had that excitement of having that special someone and seeing that she's excited that I'm her special someone. I feel special at work and then at home I'm alone. I know I highlighted feeling alone a few times this week. I wanted to show my progress with thinking about it. That I'm not mad at these women or think they're fake. They're just enjoying my company and the Halloween party. It makes me feel confident that I can carry the conversation with over a dozen women at work and make them smile and laugh. I'm just disappointed in myself for not making a better effort outside of work to find a woman to keep doing this with. I'm trying more now, but it's not enough. I want to take better photos of myself, and continue to do what I mentioned in the previous posts regarding going out and doing my hobbies. I also want to be the one who coordinates hangouts with friends because I know my friends won't do it.

Thanks. I'm know I can handle these emotions so that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Sorry you feel the same way. I was going to sulk about it, but why should I feel bad about feeling bad? We're used to instant gratification from our online friends and it's harder to make real friends. I think we're trying hard and should be proud of it. I'm going to welcome the feeling of loneliness so I appreciate togetherness later on. I'm just glad I've found some communities and at least have the once a month or twice a month stuff right now. I hope you continue to do well. I saw you joined the yoga classes. That was the first community I joined. I'm friends with my instructors now and some classmates.

I think you fixed it lol. Much better!

I'm pretty lonely tonight. I went rock climbing with my friends and hung out with like 15 people for over 3 hours. Yet I'm finding myself more lonely. I think it's because I want to hang out with them outside of rock climbing. I want to have friends to text back and forth with. I want to hang out and chat. I want to have people over, have people want to come over, have people invite me over. Most of my friends want to do more formal things. We book a reservation for a restaurant once a month or so and then eat, catch up, and go home. It's nice seeing them - I get that. I just want more. My dad tells me to get a girlfriend because that will solve everything, but I don't want to date a woman so she can solve my problems. I've already discussed that it's unfair to just put all of my problems on a woman and hoping they get solved. I'm also annoyed that my work friends want to hang out a ton this week and I had other commitments. I never get to see them and I have doctor appointments, father's birthday party, and other commitments that get in the way. It just makes me feel more isolated. My solution is going to be simple. I'm not going to overreact and spiral into a depression. I know I have friends. I just want more out of the relationships. My goal is to just invite people over for a football or hockey game or a movie night. Even a board game night. I'll also just send some casual texts and see if a conversation develops and see if I can plan some get-togethers with people. I'm also going to go climbing more than once per week to try and build more friendships with these climbers. I really enjoy their company and if I climb with them more then I can get lunch/dinner with them and then exchange numbers and move on from there. I'm also going to go back to the gym. I want to get stronger for climbing and I want to meet more athletic women as well. I want to feel better about my body also. I'm not bad at this. I just haven't done it in a while. Friendship takes effort and a lot of people don't make the effort. But if you keep making efforts eventually people will make efforts as well and you'll actually find friends. My friends just don't make efforts a lot of the time and are satisfied just hanging out once or twice. I want text buddies, phone calls, weekly hangouts, that kind of stuff.

I hate to be annoying, but the black background and grey text is difficult to read with the white lines between them.

I think you're in a tight spot. She has been a very influential person in your life. I remember when you were single you were so lonely and binging porn. She's been someone who has given you confidence and compassion as well as companionship. I think that's important for you. I think you'd have to weigh things out with her and really consider your life before her before ending things. I think just a long talk explaining your feelings about buying something would be important. She sounds insecure, spoiled, and stressed out and less worried about putting other people first, so maybe a little selfish, especially in arguments. It sounded like she wanted either your pity or for you to yell at her so she could try to make you feel like the bad person in the fight so she feels better about her own flaws. I would never change your strategy where you just listened to her. That's the correct thing to do. I've had girlfriends, friends, my mom, people online, who instigate fights and then try to make you look like the worst person so they feel better and it just shows how pathetic they are. I'm not saying she's pathetic. I think she's been great for you and I think you're better off with her right now. I just think if she has another argument like this again then don't change. She admires your strength to change and that's why she's angry about it. Good luck with the gigs and congrats on 90 days without porn. I'm 2 lol

Kind of annoyed tonight. I tried getting into a bunch of hobbies but didn't really want to commit to them. I cooked an awesome dinner and felt good about it. Watched some TV and relaxed. I'm tired and should go to bed. I think I'm just used to staying up later. I'm trying to re-correct my sleep schedule so this is natural. Kind of like a baby crying before bed. They want to stay up later and are just tired. I tried reading a book and just got so angry. I really hate the main character of it. I decided to stop reading it. I read about 10 pages of it at a time and then ignore it for months at a time. It's not worth forcing myself to read this crap. I tried to draw and was too tired to think critically. I also tried to edit my website and take a class I bought for 3d modeling, or art, or something like that. I just wasn't in the mood. I kind of just want to zone out and relax. Part of life is just listening to your body and mind. I had a very productive day at work and with dinner so I shouldn't be upset. I think this is a sign of growth for me. I would normally get very angry at myself out of frustration. But I'd rather fix my sleep schedule and calm down instead of trying to create something. I'm excited about the projects I'm working on and about to work on at work. It's pretty nice having this motivation at work again. I've felt so invigorated over the past few months. I'm gonna try quitting porn again. It has really made me sad watching it. I saw a video the other night and was just like "dude, what the fuck am I watching? This is so pathetic. Jesus Christ..." Closed the video and just stared at the floor. Like, I know I'm lonely, but some of the shit online is so depressing to watch. It wasn't even a fetish video or something disturbing. It was just some girl dancing slowly, trying to entice to viewer. She had this stupid outfit on and the music was trying to be fantastical, but it was just slow and had a way of making me feel so alone and empty inside. I was beginning to beat myself up for watching it, but that's not the right way to quit an addiction. Just gotta be mindful of how it makes you feel. I was tired of hurting my feelings with video games and I am tired of hurting myself with porn.