BooksandTrees

I think you're just adapting to life away from your ex. You're trusting yourself more and building confidence in being alone more often and doing things for yourself. The less you depend on someone the easier it gets. Those are all positive improvements that just come with time, healing, and action. So remember to take time for yourself and reflect on your improvement. I'd say keep doing what you're doing and working on things you enjoy.

Glad you enjoyed the read. I wish you luck.

I'm not sure how I want to spend the rest of tonight. Today was annoying. I got like 8 hours of sleep for once, started the day stressed out with work and it ruined my motivation. I then had to start a project with a severely handicap budget....AGAIN. Basically they gave a new employee an impossible task, he tried, but didn't have the knowledge or experience because it's a tough task, but spent almost 1/3rd of the budget. So I have to rescue it. It's demoralizing to have to keep rescuing projects like this. I just want something brand new with nobody leeching off of it or having some sort of handicap. It burns me out because I know the company isn't mad at either of us. They trust me to get it done because I've performed well in the past. It just kills me because most days I'm not amped up or excited to work. It takes some energy to get motivated for a project like this. When you have like 0 hours to kill. I already watched porn once because of the stress. But I realized I didn't want to do that so instead I decided to stretch and exercise and sit outside when I got stressed out again. I don't want to animate tonight. Or at least animate my project. It might be a night where I follow a tutorial to learn something new while not putting pressure on myself to work on my project yet. It's interesting because being monetized on YouTube typically takes between 1 and 4 years. It takes a combination of 1k subscribers and 400,000 channel views. That's a long time. So this pressure I'm putting on myself to make content is unrealistic when I have 15 subscribers and 100 views. I need to be patient and just enjoy the hobby for what it is. A creative outlet to express myself. Today I stretched for 30 minutes and exercised. I want to reach my head to my knees this year. I won't force it because that's how injuries occur. I'm going to treat it like my weight loss and just do it for a little bit each day. Sitting down all day compresses my spine so I'm going to be stretching more. I also found it to relax my body so I could sleep better. I'm going to do a quick tutorial and then watch some tv before bed. I want to learn how to create a human in blender and rig their body so they can walk. Today I'm grateful for my food, myself, my friends, exercise, stretching, and shower.

That makes sense. Don't force it.

I think that's awesome you ate with them and talked. It seems you get along with that one better. The other one just might not understand how to communicate. I used to text this girl who ended every sentence with "..." and it made me think she was being an asshole, but apparently she was just depressed and that's how her thoughts lingered in her head. That's interesting you get a numb leg. Like something challenges your happiness or something and it cuts out. Have you had this medically checked? When you tense up do you tighten your lower back? Have you stretched at all or seen a doctor or chiropractor? Good job drawing again today. Do you plan on coloring these?

I think now that you recognize these emotions you might be able to be more successful next time as well. I tried the same thing with cookies in the past and failed every time, but now I'm not failing because I find more pleasure out of losing weight and getting a 6 pack. I think it's just whatever the body feels more rewarding. Good on you for recognizing the positives of today. I also want to reply to the other post you wrote that is longer, but haven't had time yet.

Your story sounds familiar to mine. I have like 60 pages in my journal so obviously you don't have to read it, but the first few pages highlight how I started quitting gaming. I had quit gaming from April 2018 to September 2018. I started my diary in July. I felt so much better about myself and I tried finding new hobbies finally. I started a podcast (maybe the 2nd or 3rd page of my diary if it's around September 2018) and I relapsed because I was so bored editing the podcast after recording it. I started playing RuneScape again to pass time and eventually quit the hobby to play RuneScape. So I quit both and moved on. I'm now 80 straight weeks without playing games and haven't had any cravings until last week due to loneliness from COVID19, but I'm dealing with that. Take some time to recognize your emotions from the months away from gaming and how you felt from a relapse. You're here for a reason. Embrace it and embrace learning. I always recommend people read my post about how I quit and linked it. I'll link it here as well. It's not for attention. It's just to maybe show how you might find success. Everyone's path is different though. Welcome to the forums! I recommend reading all or part of my post documenting over 500 days without gaming. You should do something similar to what I did where you write down why you play games, why you want to quit games, and what your triggers are. It can help you begin to identify your emotions along this long road you're embarking on. It's not necessary, but a lot of people have found it helpful. It's located here: https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/8392-almost-500-days-without-gaming/

I agree because you agreed with me. Just kidding, but in all seriousness I agree because I think this might be a good chance for you to identify your emotions better. You do this with your clients in therapy. Why not investigate what it is about her that's agitating you and learn about these triggers?

Welcome to the forums! I recommend reading all or part of my post documenting over 500 days without gaming. You should do something similar to what I did where you write down why you play games, why you want to quit games, and what your triggers are. It can help you begin to identify your emotions along this long road you're embarking on. It's not necessary, but a lot of people have found it helpful. It's located here: https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/8392-almost-500-days-without-gaming/ I highly recommend people read my post about dealing with addiction during covid19 located here: https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/8597-covid19-coronavirus-and-gaming-addiction/

Lol thanks for picking this up. I got annoyed nobody wrote in the last one and didn't make one for this month. I managed to lose 5 more lbs, end the month without watching porn, for the final days, and posted my first animation on YouTube and have 14 subscribers now.

Thanks for the support. I feel a lot better today to be honest. I stayed up late last night 3d modeling and learned a lot. I think I can finish my Gastly animation this weekend. I was kind of tired after work today and didn't feel like 3d modeling, but I wrote some ideas down and wrote the script for the animation I want to do later this summer. I'm basically going to do the Gastly using dream eater this weekend and post it. I'll then make Geodude and learn how to animate and rig his arms so i can get used to that. Then I want to make my Voltorb parody video by the end of July or August that's like 2 minutes long. I say that because I'll have to study again for my exam starting in August or July. That will be nice to have completed so hopefully I can get my raise and move on. I didn't have any video game cravings today. I exercised and ate healthy again. I also didn't hit snooze today. I just set my alarm clock to be 1 hour later than normal and felt better. I got almost all of my projects complete so i can start a new one tomorrow. I played hockey in my basement and listened to music as well. I was sad for about 1 hour but listened to some music and talked to some friends to get out of it. I also had a dream where I actually had sex in the dream. Not sure if this is a result of not watching porn for 9 days in a row. @Erik2.0 have you watched Hunter x Hunter? I'm starting to watch that now and absolutely love it so far. It reminds me of Pokemon mixed with Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. I decided to watch this instead of reality shows because I was getting very angry at some of the contestants who were purposely annoying. I might start stretching for 30 minutes a night before bed and listening to music while doing it. Today I'm grateful for my friends, food, apartment, my hockey equipment, music, myself for getting over my video game/social cravings and having real conversations with real friends instead, and my writing ideas.

Today was annoying. I hit snooze for over an hour like an asshole, wasn't motivated at work and barely got anything done, had a good lunch, attended a few meetings, and had a long therapy session. I made it over 7 days without porn again. I haven't wanted to watch it at all really unless I purposefully think about it. It's similar to video games now. If I intently think about gaming I'll get cravings. If I think about other stuff then I'm fine. I'm not aroused at all. I'm going to save any masturbation for arousal only and really work on diverting stress towards other outlets like exercise or music or something. My dad asked me to call him at 7 PM tonight to talk about his surgery tomorrow morning. He just wanted me to tell him jokes, but I was in a bad mood and didn't want to joke around. Plus, his jokes aren't the same as normal jokes. He wants me to make fun of people, which I stopped doing years ago. I was just being a supportive son and he didn't want anything of it. So I began telling him about some stuff that had been bothering me and he said he had to go after 5 minutes lol. It's just a little sad when both of your parents don't love you or care about you. I think I was born to keep them both company and idolize them. Unfortunately for them that's not my purpose in life. I dislike them both and believe my purpose in life is to improve the lives of others who need help, fix our infrastructure with engineering, and make the world a better place by working hard and making changes to impact others. I've just been a little lonely because of COVID19 and it's just painful when both of your parents don't care about you and never have. I talked to my therapist about this today. But it's already a well established fact of my life where I'm not really important to anyone in my life. But that is ok. I am important to some of my friends, some people on this website, myself, and my coworkers. One of the reasons I used to play games so much was to feel important. I wanted their attention and adoration. It wasn't a healthy way, but because of childhood and adulthood emotional neglect I found myself drawn to the communities. I asked my therapist if he thought I could handle playing NHL in moderation again. I told him I'm afraid that if I played it could potentially act as a gateway back into other games so I could feel less lonely and I'd be looking inward for attention instead of outward towards real people. He said there are some drug addicts who can drink alcohol in moderation and that suits them, but there are some drug addicts who do anything intoxicating and downward spiral heavily. I think I just want company, friendship, love, and attention. That's the only reason I want to play games again. I'm so lonely sometimes. My friends never understand. Sometimes when I get sad and lonely I just want other people to tell me they love me. I am competitive for people's attention, praise, adoration, and more because I never had it in my life. I've been so alone and sad for so long. Neither of my parents have ever loved me and it's just a shame. But that's something I can't bring into life. I can't really tell my coworkers and management to kiss my ass so I feel better. Talking to both of them makes me feel so upset about myself. I am thinking of cutting communication with both of them because I always feel bad after talking to them. It just makes me sad that I'm so alone. I guess a lot of us on this website are alone. We loved gaming for making us feel so included and have purpose in life. But what gaming addiction does is further separate you from reality. Hiding from pain instead of solving the pain and finding solutions. I miss having friends around me and joking around. I think we all are. I'm just happy some of my friends are still talking to me during the pandemic. I'm going to try and animate the smoke on my Gastly tonight. We'll see how it goes. I find hope and happiness in this hobby because I can express my desires with it. Although it's frustrating, I really find light with art that I can create. It compels me, completes me for a period of time, and gives me love. I watched the first episode of Hunter x Hunter tonight and it was great. I think I'll watch that show and maybe JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. I'm tired of watching reality shows. They stress me out now. Today I'm grateful for my therapist, my friends, my job, my coworkers, my food (I made a great dinner), my aunt, and myself for resisting games again and again as well as porn. I also didn't eat junk food or anything bad to deal with stress. I love myself and appreciate myself.

Don't avoid the housemate. I made that mistake with my former roommates and it created untold animosity and we almost fought. Just find ways to deal with the interaction and move on. It sounds like she's not attacking you like your sister was either. Drawing outside is a good idea. Have you tried finding any podcasts to listen to? I've found that to be a chill hobby.

Welcome to the forums. Have you detailed out your addiction history, triggers, and feelings that gaming causes you to feel? Those can be quite helpful. Be patient with yourself and feel free to read around. Good luck!

Just like a building. Easy to collapse and lots of planning, design, effort, and cost to build. Stay strong and I hope you're feeling well.

Thanks. I think it will be healthy for me to practice it for 4-10 hours per week so I can keep going with it. I get so many ideas that I just want to keep going. Chill hobbies might just come back after the quarantine. Who knows.

Today was very interesting. I woke up after almost 9 hours of sleep and realized I slept right through my alarm clock. I felt so wonderful. Not a care in the world. Work was easy, I ate well, had some ice cream since I was only at 1150 calories after 3 meals for some reason, and then animated some more. I made the Gastly move around for 15 seconds so that will be interesting. I'll start adding the smoke effect tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm then going to do the hypnosis and dream eater moves to end the video. So the whole thing will be around 30 seconds. My longest video ever. I think I might be able to do a second animation this month so I'm excited about that. My next project will be a Geodude so I can practice making arms and rigging those. It will be a comedy video for sure. I'm slowly going to be building my skills up towards making this 3-5 minute animation of a Pokemon comedy spoof. After that I'll probably start working on original content. I just want to stick with things I enjoy for right now so i can continue to develop the hobby. It's much more rewarding than video games already.

Order a coloring book on Amazon? Sometimes conversation with people you don't like really crushes you. I got depressed after talking to my parents on Saturday and felt better on Sunday. I hope you turn the page on that one and feel better tomorrow.

Thank you! I loved Gastly, Haunter, and Gengar. I think Pokemon are a great resource for me to practice animation. So expect to see more all year.

That's awesome. I was going to record my animation in Unity one day since I could make my models into characters and just move them around for certain things. It's a useful software for sure. Good luck. I'm gonna hire you for sound for my cartoon one day lol.

We're almost there. I got hooked on 3d modeling today (check out my post), but I remembered to set limits. When I gamed, I never ate food or drank water and I'd get sick. I would be afraid to lose my friends because I was gaming in groups. So this time around I told my friend I had to go after 2 hours and grabbed lunch. I then relaxed outside again and listened to a podcast and watched my show. I then modeled for another 2 hours or 3 hours and made sure to eat dinner again. It felt very good. I hope you can be at that stage as well. We're all kind of on that line of becoming balanced I feel. We're understanding that if we don't have self control then we'll end up where we were before. It's an interesting feeling for sure. I felt like I wanted to keep modeling, but after I got off I realized I was stressed out and I lit a candle and watched TV. Did you feel stressed after doing statistics? I'm curious.

I'm pretty proud of myself today. I went to bed late last night after being disappointed in how I spent yesterday. I shouldn't have spoken to my parents. It's clearly noted they both anger me and having both in one day was frustrating beyond belief. Even when I took time to relax, it did not sink in. Today I woke up and made some breakfast, relaxed, and then wanted to 3D model. I got angry because I wanted to 3D model yesterday, but I didn't feel like it after being so upset. Today I made it my goal and enjoyed it. It was fulfulling, but not restorative. I've mentioned that I still lack those restorative hobbies, but I felt very accomplished. I mentioned to you guys that I was making another Pokemon, Gastly. So I took some screenshots of my progression. Before you say anything or read below, it's not done yet obviously. I researched a very cool smoke effect to give it a very dynamic animation so it looks gaseous at all times. I also learned how to animate the eyes and mouth and positioning of it. So that will come in the next week or two. At the end of the project I plan on having a 30 second animation at the very least. It took about 6 or 7 hours to make this. It's actually quite challenging to get curvature onto a sphere. But now that I know how to do it I can probably make this in an hour or less. So I'm very proud of myself and thankful to my friend for helping me

I'm glad you enjoyed the post. I just think the end goal of most of my hobbies has been money and public attention and not fun. It just means I'm lonely and not expressing my feelings with people properly so they know I need attention. Unfortunately, that's going to come from me because nobody will read my mind and say oh I gotta call him. I just need to be fortunate I have friends to call and not feel angry they're not calling me.

It's easy. If I watched porn I just write it down. My Fitbit tracks my sleep, I record my calories for 5 minutes a day, and I weigh myself once in the morning before eating and after going to the bathroom. I then just compare patterns with the graphs and remember how I felt during the week it occurred and find the issue. I think we all lost sense of moderation and balance at some point because of self control and lack of awareness of what certain activities did. I want to eat healthy most of the week and be able to enjoy a meal or dessert or a beer with coworkers once a week. That way I'm not controlled by good or bad food and recognize that healthier food keeps my body and mind happier, but the small indulgence is truly appreciated sometimes as an indulgence and not a stress relief or reward. If we're abusing indulgences from stress we're basically rewarding ourself for being in a bad position. Terrible psychology there. My hope is to one day be able to enjoy activities with restraint. It won't ever be video games meant to create addiction like runescape, or porn, or social media. I'm hoping to enjoy tv once in a while, creative hobbies a few hours per week, social hobbies more than the creative ones, and maybe be able to play an offline video game one day. That's not the ultimate goal, but it's like junk food in the house. I bought ice cream and cookies at the grocery store last week and haven't eaten them yet. No cravings. I enjoy my new diet more and don't stress eat. Can I one day do that with an offline video game? I don't know. I'm curious, but I don't want curiosity to stem from a dark addiction looking to give myself excuses to play again. I'd want it to be a once a week for 2 hours on a Saturday because it's the end of the day and I want to unwind.

I'm trying to moderate my life as well and starting to figure out how it all works. You got this dude. We're basically in long term therapy and finding our balance.