BooksandTrees

Thanks man. Yeah, I'm just doing the meditation to fall asleep. My mind drifts between thoughts and I get anxiety about death and then watch porn to take my mind of it. This puts me right to sleep. I'm trying. I'm afraid to even get back to masturbation or anything and just want to make sure I'm handling stress properly first.

Definitely feeling porn cravings today. I feel stressed, but also bored with a certain task. It's like I'm anticipating watching tonight or something. I gotta stay strong, but also not think about it. Something a lot of people mess up is not letting go of the craving. Eventually the urge dies away.

I live by that. I don't agree with going to church or reading the bible because I don't feel like being told how to believe or read any of the philosophy involved. I just keep it simple and try to be a good person and hope I live a good life. I think it's all in what you're comfortable doing. I don't shun others for worshipping or being religious. That's their choice. As long as they're comfortable. I think you just gotta do what makes you feel best and incorporate philosophies from multiple perspectives in your life and create a life you enjoy living.

Great job. Do you find that porn and masturbation coincide together for you or have you ditched porn and just deal with the masturbation issue? Is masturbation just as frustrating as porn? Worse?

Happy birthday! I hope you have a great year. Good job not indulging in the sugar. I find that if I resist that first temptation to indulge in sugar I don't have any proceeding urges. They just stop after the first urge. After that I can delegate the sweets in my home and eat like 1 treat per week or something rather than coming home with all of them and going bananas with them. I do that because eating too much junk makes me sick and I hate feeling like sick. I also want to be attractive and maintain my shape. I've lost 25 lbs this year and don't want to go back on that hard work.

That's insane. I'm glad you're ok. My friend did that on craigslist as well and met lots of scary people. I think meditation has helped me in the past few days although I fall asleep during it each time. lol

This week has gotten better. I have almost stopped shaking and becoming dizzy. It happens when I'm stressed. I've been meditating each night before bed using the insight timer app. It's great so far. I got stressed today a few times and really wanted to watch porn, but I didn't. I want to reach a point where I don't need porn for stress. I instead took a break from the computer, took a nap, walked, etc. I had a more productive day as a result. I think I'm slowly getting better, but who knows. I also still want to masturbate without watching porn and I just think that will lead me back to porn right now. I don't really know what to think. I've also been falling asleep earlier each night and waking up earlier. Thanks everyone for their responses to my above statement. I've got to remember that statement for when I feel like relapsing. sometimes I get so fascinated with porn and intimacy that I am just drawn to it. I do wish I had some love right now, but porn isn't love. I can quit this. I'm not a porn watcher. I'll stick to that. I mentioned weeks ago how going to bed earlier, waking up earlier, eating consistently, and having planned activities and relaxation time helped cut porn cravings. I haven't done this in months. So let's get back into it. Today I'm grateful for work, my apartment, my coworkers, my friends, and my family as well as the community here.

Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry it happened to you as well. It's so terrible being a victim. I became filled with hatred and anger out of fear of becoming a victim and desire to protect myself. It's easier to hurt others than to be hurt by another in my opinion. It's made me avoid dating and relationships for over 10 years now. I've been single and haven't had a sexual relationship since fall of 2010 because of it. It stinks because I'm good looking, very sociable, great job, hobbies, etc. I get lots of attention and I avoid it. That actually leads some women to becoming desperate and trying to throw themselves at me in a sexual way to pull sort of a hail mary to date me once I don't respond to traditional flirting. This actually proves terrible because I get afraid of them trying to use me for sexual favors only. I lose trust in them and just think they're gonna use me and manipulate me again. So I close them out of my life extremely fast.

I think I'd feel relieved, but also worried that I'd become a real life sex addict or something. But I don't know. I enjoy legos and listening to music I must say and music happens to be my big stress relief. I miss legos. I am stellar at building obviously since I'm a structural engineer and have built with them since I was 3. I just don't bring them to my new apartments because I have 8 giant 10 gallon boxes of legos. i don't want to pack and move those. Once I buy a house I'll do it.

I strongly agree. I think being able to read people has turned me into an excellent person in my opinion. I can be very impactful at work, on this website helping others, helping friends and family, understanding myself, and reading situations. I just know why I do it and it's tough turning that into a positive sometimes when you know it came from something bad. It's kind of like how some medicines and surgeries came from torturing others in previous wars.

I connect with this very well and agree. I did the same thing with my father. I wrote on here last year about how I spoke to my dad for the first time in 8 years. It was difficult, but forgiving him released a lot of anger. I just want to stop drowning my emotions and learn to deal with anger better. Thanks for your perspective and I share the same feelings. I cannot face the people who wronged me as two of the women are in jail and I don't want to be in a situation with interacting with them. But I hear you.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I'll write my response tomorrow. It's been a long day. I'm 2 days without porn.

Today was ok. I woke up late, felt very out of it, didn't do what I wanted to do, and feel bad about it in general. This will be a very long post and I hope I do not hurt anyone's feelings by writing this. If I lose your respect then I am sorry. I just needed to write about my porn addiction. I'm tired and just wanted to relax so i watched porn really late last night, almost 3 AM. I realize this addiction is bad. I didn't watch anything today. I just find that I'm looking for love and escape at the same time. I haven't had much time to sink in to my new apartment or escape from work a bit. I just look for the indulgence I guess. I have anxiety tonight but I don't want to watch porn or masturbate. It's hurting me. Tonight I'd like to try meditation. I just wonder how much longer I can keep counting 1 to 3 days and then watching for weeks. I'm not really being fair to myself. I have abandonment issues because of my childhood filled with abuse and neglect. Older women have taken advantage of me sexually because of my maturity and personality. I no longer get manipulated because I am a master at reading people and figuring them out. I constantly analyze you and everyone I speak with to determine your motives. I'm not very trusting because people have hurt me so often. It's strange how porn makes me feel cruel and emotionless when all I want is love and affection. I watch porn because of loneliness and it just further separates me from everyone else. I keep saying I'm healed from the sexual abuse I recieved from former girlfriends but I'm not. Men can be sexually abused also and it's every bit as shameful for them. Deep down inside I'm still teeming with anger over the fact that I was manipulated and abused. I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I was taken advantage of because I view myself as extremely intelligent and tough. Subconsciously, I try to vindicate myself for failing to realize the manipulation by trying to read others and catch them. Once I catch them I pounce on them. By the time I catch them I know their emotional weaknesses and can fully hurt them. I don't physically hurt people. I just wait for someone I don't like, such as a family member, to hurt me emotionly and I just study them for up to months at a time until they try to hurt me again. I then have them and I belittle them perilously citing every bad thing they've done to me all while continuously bringing up their shortcomings to make it hurt more. This brings me pleasure at first because it isn't them I'm belittling. It's the three women who abused me who I'm belittling. But in reality I'm just hurting my mom or dad. I don't do this to friends, coworkers, people here, or anywhere else. Video games and social media were the last two places I anonymously belittled people. I enjoyed betraying teammates because it released my anger. I enjoyed picking fights with strangers on Facebook or YouTube. I got permanently muted on runescape on almost 7 accounts. I was banned from xbox live on one account. I would swear at people so loudly on xbox live that resident advisors in college would come knock on my door after anonymous complaints. It's the shame of not sticking up for myself when I was younger that makes me so quick to act. I try to identify people's weaknesses to have ammunition in an argument as soon as possible. I have road rage issues where I try to anger people driving fast or something. Porn suppresses my anger. I don't watch angry porn. I don't watch anything violent. I usually only watch the episodes where there is no dialogue and it's pure romance and kissing. I just hypnotize myself with an illusion of love. Once the illusion is over I'm numb for hours and can mindlessly do my work. I made the right moves giving up gaming and social media. I no longer instigate fights with people. I do however instigate with my mom very often and it's not fair to her. She's just become my target for the past 10 years I think. She wasn't alone in driving me insane last year. I was a major cause. I'm taking steps with my therapist to deal with my anger and I think it will have a major impact on my porn issue. I hope I did not offend anyone by writing what I wrote here today. If I did I can remove it. I just think it's so important to discuss our issues in order to recover. I've been transparent with you for almost 2 years regarding gaming addiction and I need to do the same with porn in order to quit that as well.

Great job today.

Don't try to talk it down. You said this girl is your only friend and your mom is also the only person you really talk to in person. That's your whole social network. This means it's a big deal. So that's why it's taking such a toll on you emotionally. If you leave your mom you'd be all alone. I don't think you want that after reading your previous posts. So there's definitely some internal conflict from your end on this. Therapy is a good way to deal with it.

Can I give you some advice? I think you're psyching yourself up way too much to study and putting too much pressure on it. This is making you want to avoid it because you're making a mountain out of a mole hill (I'm not trying to discredit how difficult studying is, I've been in your shoes before). Read your post over again and notice the flow of it. Then read your previous posts. You're having anxiety because you don't want to blow another beautiful opportunity. It's not a fear of failure, it's a fear of stress and facing the problem. You're actively and passively ignoring it. The issue is in the bolded statement in the second paragraph and the last major paragraph. Read those over again. Look how much pressure you're putting yourself under. If you keep thinking about the consequences of failing, the stress of having to study, outlining the steps of studying, etc. you're going to never study. I have the same test/study anxiety. Fortunately, I am done with my master's degree and just have one professional exam to pass this fall. It's easy to panic. You've thought about studying for the longest time already. Just sit down for 1 hour tomorrow and study. Don't be afraid of it. Just put all of the material in front of you in an organized way and write down a small study outline. Just write down the major things. Create a bullet list Topic 1 Topic 2 Topic 3 etc... Don't create sub lists. You'll just stress yourself out Topic 1 A B C D E Topic 2 A b c d Just study. If you feel yourself getting anxiety about studying drop to the ground and do 10-30 pushups, call a friend or family member and yell at them about your issue, and get it all out of your system, then study. Don't think about the act of studying. Just study. You have two options. You can either study and get this out of your way so you can move on in life, or you can continue to avoid it, fuck up, and regret blowing your opportunity and have additional anxiety and stress. I'm not trying to be an asshole. I think you've done a tremendous job quitting games and porn, something I wish I could do but keep watching porn like a moron. You can do this. I believe in you and so do you. It's in there somewhere. Good luck and get angry.

What do you make on Patreon? YouTube videos or something? That's interesting.

I like to use the FitBit because it's a watch, but also helps with tracking exercise, heart rate, and has a meditation feature to relax which is nice for me.

I'm officially unpacked today. I'm so happy to have it completed. There's only a few boxes I need to put in the basement later for storage. I'm so happy with the feel of this place. It's just so cozy so far and I'm hoping it lasts the whole year. I might go grocery shopping tomorrow and stock up on food again for the next 2 months like last time. I'm also going to buy some treats for myself and not binge them so they can last a bit. I made my dark chocolate last 6 weeks by eating just two squares a day. I'll try to do the same again. I also gotta get an air conditioner soon. I went for a walk with my friend at lunch today which was nice. We live nearby now with my move. Maybe it can be a trend for the future. I'm thinking once I'm settled in I'm going to start studying again and try to make sure I'm fully ready for this exam in October. But I don't want to think about that yet because I'm burnt out a bit. I'm fully relieved to be moved in thankfully and that's taken a lot of the burnout away from me. I'm just hoping to relax now. I want to enjoy life. I might start on another 3d model soon and just play with it this weekend. Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, coworkers, job, apartment, trails, and myself for finishing the job and making things look nice.

There's just something about the closure and comfort of the space that brings me peace. I don't like open spaces. I get anxious.

That's great. Spending time with others is one of the main ways to combat gaming addiction and is one of the main reasons some people game. They need to be with others and don't try to spend time with others in person. They'll choose gaming first.

What's the exact emotional feeling you get from this? I'm just very curious.

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm finally moved in. It's a very cute apartment. I'm about halfway done unpacking. I'm so tired. The movers did so well today. I was moved out of my old place in 1 hour and into my new apartment in 35 minutes which includes lots of furniture and a couch. I was stunned. My mom came and helped unpack for a bit. I feel myself forgiving her for last year. It's taking a lot of energy from me to hold onto my anger for last year. I have such a good feeling about this new apartment for some reason. I feel comfortable here. It doesn't have any wide open spaces. I don't enjoy open concept houses because there's no closure or barriers between spaces. I don't like being able to see the living room from the kitchen e.t.c. however I do enjoy a big, peaceful bedroom that's separated from my computers. Idk, I just feel comfortable and I was ready to move in. I'd love to meet a woman and cuddle and spend time with her here one day. But that will happen when it happens and I'm just thankful to be here. Today I'm grateful for the movers, my mom, my new apartment, my support network, and the community here for supporting me. I'm grateful for myself for getting through the move. This has been stressful as usual on top of a brutal work week. I'd love to take tomorrow off, but cannot.

I hope it helps you through your 4 hour sessions. I'm so sorry your first session was so difficult. I remember my friend went through treatment and told me about how sick she got during and after. I'm thinking of you often and will always be here for you if you need to speak about your sessions or if you just want to talk about something as vague as water. You are such an inspiration to us and not just because of the cancer treatment, but also because of how you live life and choose to be the person you are. Thank you and I hope you feel better.

Almost done packing. Just gotta dismantle my computer and do a few other things. I'm grateful to have lived in this place and a little disappointed I couldn't study for my exam here due to it being canceled by the virus. But that happens. I really appreciated being here and healing after a difficult 2019. I wish I could stay here longer and am slightly disappointed the landlord is increasing rent, but I can't complain. She let me live here for 6 months in a time of need. It's odd officially leaving this place. I came here with 2 of my closer friends and the first year and a half was so much fun. We bonded, enjoyed each other, hosted several great parties due to its size, and it allowed me to just enjoy life for the first time in my life. Seeing our relationships dissolve in the final year due to people's video game addictions really bothered me. It was the final push to get me to officially abandon video games after seeing the effect it had on others. A lot of people ask me what the last straw was, but seeing someone's life fall apart due to games really paralyzed me and I didn't want it to happen to me. I wish I could one day be friends with this person again as we were very close friends before it. I'm still friends with my other former roommate, but we don't talk since he only talks to his gamer friends. But he told me that and wanted me to know it's not because he doesn't like me. He just only talks to his gamer friends. That was another reason I abandoned the gaming community. Low effort friendships. This place is such a comfortable home and I can't believe the 6 months are already up. I came here right when winter started and was so miserable after the terrible experience with my mom and my other apartment. All I did was work and sleep for a month. I'd often wake up at 2 am and just sit alone in the living room contemplating life. Just kind of reflecting on the ups and downs of 2019. It really took me until February and March to move forward. Mental health takes a lot of time to recover from and sometimes we never recover. I was having those light headed issues again and I called my dad up and yelled about my problems for a good 30 minutes. The lightheadedness went away. It's not a heart issue. It's stress and anxiety. I have a major anxiety issue. Moving and lifting boxes today and yelling solved all of it. Not masturbation or porn. I tried that today and nothing. I think sometimes you just need to be a fucking man and feel primal (if you're a man. If you're a woman then do your thing as well, same with other genders etc.). That's not the point. I'm a man and needed to act like a fucking man and just exhume this stress from my body and mind.