BooksandTrees

Yes, I like anime. I don't care. This is a great anecdote.

I'm tired of fucking treating myself like a piece of shit. I beat myself up for 3 days about something so small that it distracted me from work. I let these negative thoughts about myself encroach upon my psyche and haunt my thinking patterns throughout the day. Why? I have the fucking answer. Because I'm not standing up for myself. I don't want to use anger as my main fuel of motivation anymore because it's exhausting. But enough is enough. Cut the fucking shit. I keep telling myself I suck and I'm ugly and I'm doing things wrong. What if I do this, will this person think that? What if I fail, what will they think now? Oh my gosh, I can't handle it because if they see me after I mess up then it will be awkward and I'll hate life more and everything is bad. FUCK FUCKING STOP Dude, you don't hate your job. You don't. I know you're proud of it. You fought for fucking years to become something and now you are something. Hundreds of people look up to you. You have the ability to work full time for excellent pay and to spend your spare time going to any restaurant you want, any country you want, any hobby you want to try, any sporting event, you name it and you can do it. I can do it because I'm smart about my savings, I do a good job, and I manage my time well. Being tired after work won't change wherever I go. If I wrote cartoons all day I would want to do something technological in my spare time. It would be a mirror of what I'm doing. Artwork makes shit money compared to engineering. Most artists are such shit at their work that they need multiple jobs to make ends meat. I don't need that. I take pride in my work and my effort. I think I'm just so mean to myself. I'm mean to myself. I don't take the effort to appreciate what I do. I blamed it on my office stress and demanding hours, but that's not always true. They give me work because they trust my work ethic. They love having me on projects. I get invited to do things at such higher levels than normal because of my abilities and capabilities. I make zero effort to visit anything I've designed. I have so many structures built around part of the United States and haven't taken one picture. Not once. Why? Because I think bragging is embarrassing. Why would I celebrate myself? Why not? Why not celebrate myself? Who is telling you you're an asshole? Oh, you are! Nobody else is. There is literally nobody in the world calling me an asshole but myself. Who does that? Cut the shit. Your dad might have called you an asshole your whole life and treated you like shit, but his voice need not be present in your mind at all times. You're incredible. You design things very few people can, you've proven people wrong at every place you've been in life and achieved every goal you've ever set out to accomplish in life, and you are so kind to others. You put your friends first, you volunteer at middle schools to teach poor students about the importance of engineering, you volunteer at universities to give guest lectures and seminars to guide students into the right professional directions, people seek your voice out for help in real life and online, and people find my comedy fucking hilarious. People want to work on your side projects with you because they're good. You are so fucking smart that you work 40-60 hours per week designing buildings and bridges, but after that you create a fucking cartoon from scratch, write 2 books, learn to cook, figure out a gym routine, and are trying to figure out how to heal as a person. You've been complimented by so many people for constantly striving for something better in life and to improve the people's lives around you. You are incredible. What the fuck are you doing calling yourself a loser for? I'm sorry for getting mad at yourself, but this bull shit needs to fucking stop right now. I'm tired of seeing you derail your entire fucking day because some chick didn't text you back. She should be chasing after you with your accomplishments, and you know, if you look around you, the people you've surrounded yourself with do chase you in so many ways. Appreciate that. You're a leader, not a follower. I need to forgive myself for being sad and directing depressing thoughts towards myself because of the years of abuse from my dad and abuse from myself. I can leave him behind, but I need to forgive myself because I can't leave myself behind. Once I forgive myself for saying mean things to myself and trying to sabotage my success, I need to forgive myself for being mean. I am only being mean because I am tired of seeing myself cripple over such unimportant things and letting these insignificant thoughts deter me from my daily life. Forgiving myself once isn't going to fix things. I need to constantly forgive and remember it because if I don't keep myself in check then I will fall. You're all thinking I'm crazy after writing this and you reading it. I don't give a shit. I needed this. I'm awesome and I need to keep fucking telling myself that because I'm tired of not feeling awesome.

What have you learned? It seems you've gone back to games several times on this journey. What made you play? What made you quit? What's the reason you keep playing? What's at the depth of everything? Are you playing to escape from stress or depression? What is causing this depression and stress? What is going to be different this time quitting than the last times you've quit? What are you holding back from doing?

I had the same issue you're having. I almost failed out of school and needed to discuss a strategy with my professors to do better and move on. It's going to hurt, but also be rewarding. Stay with it. It will get better only if you want it longterm.

Nice job dude. I knew you'd rebound. Sometimes it just takes time. I like how you reflected on how you wish you sorted this all out earlier. That's something you'll now be aware of in the future. We get hurt to become stronger. These are things that will keep you strong in the future. Forgive yourself for not sorting it out right away because you were in pain and this is new. Now you are aware for the future. That's the perfect way to deal with this in my mind.

Thanks man, I appreciate it. You are right and I always tend to neglect the fact that I'm constantly trying to seek the approval of others whether I'm healing or not. I think I'm getting close because when I'm on and being myself i just feel amazing. I'm having more of the good days than the bad. I'm accepting myself more each week and healing more whether I accept it or not. I just know that dating has been such a sore subject for me because of the relationship abuse I took years ago and the 9 year gap between dating due to two college degrees and not wanting distractions. I'm forgiving myself for that long gap because my end goal was important. I just see chances like this and it hits like a ton of bricks. I worry I'll have intimacy problems sometimes, but when I dated over the summer I had no issues with it so I think I'll be fine. I think it's as simple as I was just hurt after putting myself out there and it happens. I'm gonna be ok and maybe find someone. If I don't, at least I'll have found myself.

I've recovered pretty well from my midweek meltdown. Thank you Phoenix, Fawn, and Silver for the support. I went to a beer festival on Friday night with my friends. We talked about my cartoon, had a blast, and I could finally be myself. People kept paying attention to us because we were laughing a ton and I managed to get a lot of attention from women in the city. I also helped this school I've been volunteering at with an engineering competition and had a great day yesterday. One woman in particular has me confused. I don't really have much experience with this because of my gaming background, but I at least know how to flirt very well in person and talk. I made a joke to this girl at the beer event and we hit it off. We spoke for 15 minutes and at the end of it she said "ok, how am I going to see you again?" so I asked for her number and she gave it to me. We texted a bit that night and that was it. I texted her yesterday to see how she was and if she escaped the army of drunk people. She laughed, said yes, and asked if I had a crazy experience. I told her a quick story about how these drunk guys thought I was a celebrity and kept hugging me. She never responded. I was honestly going to wait for that response from her and then ask her on a date. No response. This is playing with my head a lot. I am good looking, have a good job, can speak to anyone, naturally the center of attention, I'm not an asshole, I am interesting, I can make you laugh effortlessly when together, and she forced me to take her number from her! So why does she not respond after the story? It's kind of pissing me off. As you all know from my previous journal entries I have a self esteem issue. I constantly feed into my depressive thoughts of low self worth, low confidence, low sexual appeal, etc. Even if it's not true. My whole week I've been carrying myself so well socially that I've garnered a lot of attention from friends, women, and just people in general. This girl is also painfully attractive. Even if I'm honest with myself, I'm good looking, not great looking. I'm not a model. This girl literally looks like Kristen Bell with glasses. Even her personality is similar. What the hell does she want from someone like me? I made her laugh the entire time, I had her smiling, she kept making body contact with me, introduced me to her family there, etc. I don't think I should have asked her on a date with my first or second text to her, but maybe I think I should have? Maybe I should have been all flirty right off the bat saying she was the highlight of my night, send the stupid emojis, and ask when we're going on a date because I want to see her beautiful smile again. That just didn't feel natural to me? I feel like I can flirt very well on the first impression, get her number, and then have no idea how to follow things up. Sometimes when I do the same thing I just did, it works really well. This just makes me think she's not interested in me and gave me her number to get attention for herself or something. Or maybe she was busy? Who knows. I like when girls text me back, I don't like when they text too much, idk. I think this is just an area where I'm very self conscious and insecure after I meet a girl. I get this pressure to speak to them because I really want to find a girlfriend who I'm excited to spend time with and be romantic with. I'm giving a strange impression to the girls I meet because I dress well, I'm very confident, I'm funny and people naturally congregate to me when I'm out socially because of the laughter and not being a jerk. I lead most of the conversations and keep everyone entertained. Maybe I'm expecting that I should keep doing this in the days following meeting the girl? Maybe they're expecting me to do it as well? I'm probably just overthinking and need to focus on my day and clear my mind. Regardless of whether I date this woman or not, her interest clearly shows that I am likable, people like being around me, attractive women show interest in me, and I shouldn't think I'm a loser. One of these days the woman will want to spend time with me and I'll figure it out through continuously trying. I feel good about doing all of this and it is a victory for me. Even the guys who go to the bars every night of the week have issues with getting a date and just because I worked so hard to get into society again doesn't mean I'm owed a date from any woman I try to flirt with. Everywhere we go in life with the healing we've made there will be new challenges that await us. There's no victory at the end of a game. We meet the girl, we gotta date. If we date, we gotta see where it goes. Every step of relationships brings new challenges and we can't go back to bad behaviors when they don't work out immediately. This is how we relapse. I need to be proud of myself for my large successes this weekend and carry that into my life this week and beyond.

Sorry to hear you're going through all of this and I'm glad you survived the natural disaster. Pmo has been a struggle for me as well, but I've been successful at cutting down my watch time from 5 times per day to maybe 5 times per week or less. I suggest starting with cutting off the triggers caused by being hungry, angry, thirsty, lonely, and tired. Listen to your body and provide it the nutrients and sustenance it requires. This will also make you less depressed as your body isn't pumping dopamine and serotonin everywhere at crazy rates. Next I think you did a good job having fun with your wife and friends. Keep doing things like this where you can get opportunities to do activites with her, but allowing yourself to flirt with her. When you flirt with her and remember your passion and love with her, as well as the safety feeling of her embrace, not the fake safety of porn, then you will start to crave her and want more intimacy. I just suggest you don't try to have sex every time you're stressed because she'll know and that can also be bad. There must be a way for you to physically release your frustration naturally like the gym or swimming, walks, hiking, etc. Keep going, I personally think pmo is brutally more difficult to quit than gaming.

I also think maybe I'm not sure how to appreciate my career. I think I'm on the right path where I'm exploring my writing interests while building a career in a difficult industry and making good pay. So when I stick to my goals of working out after work and writing then I'm happy. It's just sometimes I go out of control and have a severe breakdown. I'm not always happy, but I'm providing myself the resources to steadily learn how to write and produce my ideas in a financially stable environment. If I leave, I'd have to work 4 jobs to make the money I am now, which means no free time at all. I think I over reacted yesterday, but it's just from stress. My dreams can't cause me to cave in. I need to be disciplined until I'm where I want to be in life and appreciate the highs and lows of my journey there.

I choose to stay because I really like my coworkers and environment. I love the way I'm treated there and how we interact outside of work. I feel like I'm part of a community that appreciates me for who I am and what I'm worth. It's just the work doesn't always appeal to me. My issue is that I went through so much distress getting my degree and career from nothing that I can't bear the weight of starting over again. I can feel trapped and get severe anxiety from it.

Stay strong and stay supportive of yourself and your goals.

Please write whatever you want in mine. I'm a huge fan of discussion. I don't like when people scan through and put a like and leave. I'd appreciate the discussion if you ever wanted.

Oh I know I'm suffering from depression. I just don't find happiness in what I'm doing. I want to create a cartoon and write books and perform comedy. I like my pay, benefits, and coworkers, by I'm just immobilized by the work sometimes and it debilitates me. I want to write so badly and I never get the chance. I do feel like I'm running, but I don't really enjoy the cold and just feel lost.

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Sometimes life comes out of nowhere and crushes us. The difficult thing we deal with as recovering addicts is that we're closer to emotionally breaking than a normal person. We're already struggling with life, dealing with stress, anxiety, and depression, and walk that line of success and failure day and night. That's why it's so easy for us to keep delving into depression one week and then happiness the next. I know you're dealing with a lot, but when you're saying you're watching porn and gaming, possibly drinking, take a moment of serenity for yourself in the dark, alone, and quiet. Life is happy, sad, painful, rewarding, and most importantly...short. You're a bright guy. Although you're not where you want to be in life, it's that passion in your voice and heart that will carry you to your final destination. When you're fiery and happy you can carry a crowd and lead a room by the palm of your hand. When you're sad then the world is a sewer. Your personality can guide people but also yourself. In your turmoil I want you to call upon your inner self and remember what your dreams in life are. Remember how you want to quit games and porn because realistically they don't help you. They just distract you from your progress. Take time to remember your grandmother and make a dedication to her to live life. She gave you the chance to have a better life by living with her. Life is short and she wouldn't want to know that her passing put you over the edge with stress while you were battling everything else. There's no reason to escape from this. Face your adversity with the fire in your heart with grace and determination. We slip in life, but when we fall we damn well better get back up. Success is measured by how far you bounce back after hitting rock bottom. I say you don't just bounce back, but propel further than before. You know you're capable of being loved. Evidence is there from your friends, grandma, and elien. It's time to understand why they do and love yourself. Learn from them. That love will qualm the darkness you slip into with depression. You got this.

I'm sorry for your loss and everything you're experiencing. I'll post a longer response after work. Stay strong

I used to move my body a lot during anxiety attacks, but it made me look like I was having a seizure. When I was suffering from severe gaming and malnutrition issues I would actually shake almost uncontrollably and cry until the episode ended. Since quitting gaming I've never dealt with it again.

Thanks, it has. I wrote a bunch just now so I think it might answer your question lol. Funny timing.

I'm on week 14 of no games. I still get cravings when I'm trying to work on a hobby, but they aren't as brutal as the porn ones and I never cave in. I do want to note a positive trend that I've noticed. When I was trying to quit gaming I would only game on the weekends, but I'd binge them. I wouldn't actually play during the week until I just gave up. I'm mimicking that with porn and don't watch during the weeks. It's becoming an every other weekend thing for the most part unless I have a horrible anxiety issue. I mentioned earlier in the week about changing and remember @fawn_xoxo asking what my plan was. I believe my plan is going to be an instantaneous plan of action to help deal with cravings, emotions, and anxiety on the spot. I had a few tests this weekend with the plan and succeeded in all of them except one. Where I Succeeded: I realized my mood was being affected by tiredness. There's an acronym "HALT" which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. I noted two posts above about sleep issues so I built into my plan that I'd like to sleep more and got more than 7 hours each night so far. If anyone is going to try the HALT method, please add "THIRST" to the HUNGRY portion. I notice that sometimes if you eat a lot of sugar, sodium, or fat without drinking water it will skew your emotions and make you feel lethargic, depressed, and irritable. Those feelings can trigger deeply routed emotions of loneliness, low self worth, and frustration with yourself. I had a great weekend. I went for a walk with my mom, did laundry and several chores like grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. I also read a book, went snow tubing with my friend, watched hockey with another friend, spent time with my bird, and relaxed. The issue here is that I was tired and took a nap today. I woke up and freaked out that I wasted time on the weekend and started to think that all my hobbies I want to do in life are never gonna get done. I started to panic that I didn't know how to live life properly, start a hobby, follow through, get a fun lifestyle, etc. I asked my mom for help because my anxiety was giving me chest pains and I had watery eyes, but not crying. I really wanted to watch porn or game at that moment so I could get a quick fix and hide from my emotions. I told her about my frustration with my goals. We sorted through my goals and it turns out I accomplished all of my goals for the weekend except write about my cartoon. I didn't realize I achieved 7 out of 8 goals - a high success rate. I also noticed I was very thirsty after eating Chinese food (SODIUM & FAT). So I drank like 16 oz of water. I then ate dinner, talked to my mom, played with my bird, and feel a lot better now. I'm present and not panicking and realize i had a great weekend and my mood was being skewed by being mean to myself with lofty expectations and not taking time to congratulate myself on accomplishing everything else I wanted and having a great weekend. Where I Failed: I had heartburn at night and woke up at 5 AM because I was THIRSTY and ANGRY. I have a fear of vomit and heartburn can make you nauseous. I quickly had heartburn medication and water. Where I failed was I wanted to clear my mind from fear of getting sick and racing thoughts, so I watched porn for 30 minutes and went to bed after. What I Learned: It's important to explore the impetus of what's causing me to crave pornography and video games. If it's something that can easily be changed such as diet, sleep, and talking to someone, then it's important to recognize when you need to do those things and do them. Taking action is what we need. If we address these issues and the depression, cravings, and anxiety still remain, then I speak to my therapist and uncover what is going wrong. I wrote earlier how I got angry that I never hung out with friends, lived life, and dated these chicks that I could have dated. I have addressed that I didn't like myself and couldn't understand how they could like me. It made me afraid of success because I couldn't understand it. I have and am consistently forgiving myself for these events in my life when the emotions occur. I am also being cognizant of the fact that I was upset due to not doing those things in life so I am doing them now and planning ahead so I have stuff to look forward to in life. Doing events in life and feeling success helps me through this. Little steps. The most important thing I learned is that you're going to be hit with surprising triggers on the spot at any moment. I am starting to be able to handle the HALT triggers, but the severe heartburn anxiety attack I had was something I will need to develop a strategy to deal with it. My process is close: heartburn medication, water, and deep breathing, but maybe I can do a sudoku puzzle, read a comic strip, or watch a quick YouTube video to clear my mind instead of turning to porn. Matt

I wonder if finding a meal plan and fitness coach, whether it's an online program or in person, would be beneficial for you. I didn't start losing weight until I had that connection with a trainer in 2013 and I kept asking why I wasn't losing weight and we talked about the food etc. I used to be addicted to sugar all the time and need chocolate and donuts. I then realized I could taper them. Now I barely eat them so if I get a craving for junk food I can eat it no problem and don't gain the weight back. It's different for everyone, but I'm just sharing my experience. Also, going to the gym and having a plan in mind helped me eat properly because I got angry for wasting my time by eating poorly and getting shit results. I lost 50 lbs that way and I feel fine now. I'm glad you're reaching out to see friends. Being lonely sucks and can make you shut in more. It's nice to just feel comfortable and appreciated by others. It helps you be more confident and feel like you don't need to change everything about yourself all at once. I don't think you should feel guilty about not doing art in your free time, but I do think as adults we are programmed to work towards a greater goal in life so we feel like we are living with purpose and intention. If we don't have this then we feel like we're free falling and get anxiety. I'm not sure if you wanted to try finding another job outside of art to socialize with others, get out of the house, earn more income, and get some confidence dealing with any social anxiety, but I think that would be beneficial and help you strive towards getting that dream job.

I had a porn relapse last night and this morning. But instead of getting angry at myself and ruining my day and weekend. I decided to not feel sorry for myself or angry. Instead, I got up, ate a healthy breakfast, grabbed my laundry, went to the laundromat and did laundry while reading my new book. I'm now going to fold the laundry, pay my bills and do some chores I've put off. Then lunch, a walk outside, and try another hobby like writing or drawing. I didn't fail, I stepped back a bit, but stepped forward more than I stepped back.

Today I got an extreme urge to game, watch porn, and eat junk food. I was so irritated and tired. Then I realized that's it. I've only been averaging 6 hours of sleep the past 3 weeks. I'm tired and none of my bad habits will fix that except for not sleeping. So I've decided to shut down any thoughts of a relapse because logically it doesn't help my cause. My solution is just go to bed earlier. If I sleep an extra hour each night for 7 hours a night, then over the course of 7 days I'll get a total of 7 extra hours of sleep, which equals a full day of sleep. That's huge. Over a few weeks I thin I'll feel more restored. I'm proud that I caught this in the act of it happening and not overreacting saying I hate my life and need to do other stuff to feel better.

https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2umfts/a_guide_how_to_quit_pmo/ @Phoenixking

Which is what I'm saying. I'm saying taking action helps us make changes and gives us a new outlook. But having that mindset will help lead us there and reinforce that not everything we do is as easy as gaming or porn. Once we have confidence and experience in these activities our cravings will subside and we'll be more comfortable living the life we're envisioning right now. I mentioned that the biggest thing we miss is just doing stuff. We could just do games without thinking and get a reward. That's not real. So we want to do things, but don't know how to since we need to learn, and it acts loge this giant obstacle and stressed us out. All these little things feel brutal and we just gotta jump in and do them and feel it.