Vera

Get better!

I suspect it can be a result of stress + sedative. I'll wait some more and if I won't get better I'll visit a doctor.

The day was painful. Spent some time putting away things that can trigger my memories, cried hard, but my desk is clean now. I can at least touch my diary again. I've decided to use a new paper for it and I'm pretty excited to try how it will work with my fountain pen. My health is still failing pretty miserably. I have a weird knot in my stomach, I've never experienced something like this before. My body just can't handle it without any harmful consequences. I'm grateful it's not a heart attack. I spent my evening watching some youtube and I don't feel any guilt. I should come up with more useful alternatives though, preferably non-fiction because fiction is almost always equals romance and I can't stand that now.

@Catherine17 @Mouxine thank you for your kind words! I'm slowly getting better. Yeah, Mouxine, you're right, I've been with the wrong person. Way too many times, to be honest. Gaming doesn't bother me that much. I have to watch for cravings I might want to try to use as an escape, but I can hunt those thoughts down pretty quickly.

@TwoSidedLife your attention is definitely getting better. Noticing small details can be really useful. I believe you will accomplish all of your tasks :)

My day was bad. Kept myself from crying by taking sedatives and it didn't help so much. I made it through the day, but I was on the edge of a breakdown. I was lonely, frustrated, angry at myself, hopeless... Didn't eat, had no appetite, I was nauseous and weak and tired. I have slightly raised body temperature, around 37, so I'm sick and will spend all weekend in bed to try and get better. I miss gym, but I have no choice. I hope a long sleep will fix me.

Well, I'm definitely sick. I went to work and I hope I will make it to the end of the work day. @BooksandTrees my meltdown is kind of over, I'm not that desperate anymore. I know I will go through it and I just don't have any time or desire left to pity myself. Being alone is not the end of the world, I have more things to do than I can count and all world is open for me. I dreamt about bike touring, might as well work to make it happen.

Hey, I'm so happy for you! It feels good to read how well your day was. Just remember to rest and do not fall into overtraining, and you will be fine. Your good news cheer me up too!

No gym today, everything hurts and I feel broken. Did nothing, just sat in the kitchen. I'm afraid I'm getting sick. I have absolutely stupid thoughts like 'it will never be as good as it was, you're going to be alone for the rest of your life'. I really need my sedative.

@TwoSidedLife have a good weekend!

@WuqingDi welcome! That's good you decided to start journaling. It is a great tool to get to know what's going on. Grayscale your phone, it will make youtube less interesting.

Video games were overstimulating your brain. So a period of boredom is pretty normal, look for hobbies or activities that can fill your time and give you something to look forward to. :)

Today is a good day. I came home and had some free time, so I did a water change in my aquarium. Found one more dead shrimp, I guess there's only one left. I also can't find one small fish, I think it's gone too. I don't know what's wrong with my setup this time. I remember the same cherry shrimps were breeding like crazy when I kept them several years ago, I had to give them away for free. I probably should buy some more from another breeder. I decided I can go to the gym today as well. I wasn't feeling particularly fine, I ate something that triggered my digestive system but it didn't stop me from doing a small cardio workout. I walked for 5 km, and it would be really boring if I didn't watch the movie. I should probably try something else next time. Cycling would be nice. I will use sedative for 3 more days and try to go without it. I have a small habit to place it alongside with my other supplement every morning. I noticed I don't need too many repetitions to include a new action into my routine. Don't know what else to write about. I'll just go to sleep. :)

@marcopolobus I will keep it up of course. Being in a good shape will really help me find a good mate when I decide to look for one. ;)

@BooksandTrees yes, I meant the relationship. Great job! Exercises will cheer you up no matter what! Oh I know who you're talking about, his channel is called AthleanX, right? I have some of his videos in my favourites. The cozy sweater is everything behind the decision to quit, your reasons, your goals. The best thing about it is that no one can take it from you. @Mouxine being betrayed sucks, but I won't dwell on it and make myself miserable. I like Seneca and his ideas, and I definitely will have questions, thank you :)

I'm already in my bed. Don't even know where to start.. I had a bit of a breakdown after I've finished my work. I was sad because it became absolutely clear that I've passed the point of no return. There's no way back and I feel that it is the right thing to do to delete every picture, all message history, finish a chapter in my real journal, seal it and put it away. Gym session was hard, but I made it clear for myself that I can do much more if I stop holding myself back. The problem is my mind, not my body, so I guess a part of me which is always ready to quit, always searching for a way to escape, always whining and complaining, always telling me that I'm not enough, I'm weak, I'm anything but able to stand up for myself... This part of me is my obstacle.

@TwoSidedLife that's so great to hear! I'm so happy for you!

Monday wasn't especially hard. I've continued learning touch typing, I'm moving forward slowly but surely. Bought the notebook with dotted paper. I've never had a chance to write on such a paper before so I'm curious. I love good notebooks and pens and I hope I will get a chance to write more in the future. It's a kind of art therapy for me. I'm ready to go to the gym tomorrow. I'm pretty excited about it! I feel ready to work as hard as I can. I kind of lost my motivation when I quit going to the gym last time I tried, but I have the intention to make it a part of my life now. And there's no going back anymore. I had really interesting talks today on Discord. Time to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be long and challenging!

@Atari welcome! Peterson is an incredibly good man and his advice is priceless. Relapses are just temporary obstacles, you learn from them and move on, so keep going. :)

@katsudo19 You will complete 90 days and keep going forever. You show so much resilience, that's amazing. Keep moving forward.

Well, nothing particularly interesting happened today. Just a regular weekend. I have issues with my right shoulder, probably because I overdid it a bit on my last workout. I felt pain when carrying even a light bag this afternoon, but I don't notice it that much now. I also went to the gym again and did short cardio on a treadmill. I listened to a Stoicism related talk I've downloaded later on Youtube and I was surprised when the host tried to talk about the ancient stoics' diet and connected it all to veganism somehow. This led me to the conclusion that the host really wanted to talk about his own opinions instead of actually paying attention to philosophy. I'll just continue reading Seneca. All these people just talk about what he and others said, so I'd rather read that what sparked the conversation than the conversation itself. I'll have lots of time to learn about modern stoicism afterward. I was watching my new fish for quite a while. I was told they will stay shy, but I already see they're getting more curious and don't freak out as much. The dominant male is the bravest one. I will pretty much leave them alone for several weeks to let them settle down, and I don't feel like I have a desire to reposition any plants so I'll let them grow out on their own. Just regular water changes. Looking forward to an upcoming week!

@TwoSidedLife hi, I'm sure you will enjoy being social again. Keep going and keep writing. ;)

I’ve had a very interesting day today! I remember I woke up at sunrise and it was a good time. The light in the room was slightly red, strange and beautiful. I’ve slept for a long time and I felt refreshed. I had a couple of things I needed to buy and I could get them in one place which is far away from home, so I went outside and spent some time shopping. I also fixed issues with my phone. I’ve got 30Gb of traffic every month, which is a lot for me. Don’t even know what to do with such an amount of traffic… When I bought what I needed it was time to decide what to do next. I found a local fish breeder and asked him if he has a certain fish. It turned out he had the fish and I ordered 10 of them. I needed to go a long way into an area I’ve never been to before. It was a bit scary, but thanks to Google maps I knew where I needed to go immediately. It was a long way… I like to explore new places even if that’s not very comfortable at first. So I was stuck with 10 fish under my coat in the middle of nowhere, but the woman who also came to buy a fish offered me a ride and I was saved! I couldn’t believe how lucky I was! This was a very pleasant surprise. I also got a chance to practice my social skills because I had to wait in the car with her husband (he was driving). I wouldn’t say I performed at my best, but I managed to keep the conversation going for quite a long time. Also a reminder to myself – get rid of the uncomfortable coat. It’s time to go to sleep. I’m smiling because my dream came true, no matter how small it is.

@GCepeda thanks for your kindness! It gets easier as I go. I've been in a long distance relationship for around 9 months. I thought it was going well, I loved him, but he decided otherwise and dated another woman behind my back. I was so traumatized by that, it felt like the person I believed to died and I was listening to a stranger explaining his actions. That's why I refer to it like that. @Cam Adair hi! Hope you're doing great!

Get better! :)