Hitaru

I know the pain. You have to break the inertia, either by going to sleep early and having a shitty night of no sleep, or pushing your current day even without sleeping until the next night arrives. It's hard but you can do it, you can't do practically anything else without this working.

I am not a fan of members opening several topics in the journal section, for the most part I don't see the point. But for this I understand that a clean slate will help me focus without the inertia of previous writing (which is a real thing to deal with), add it the sensation of goal-orientedness and SMARTness, serve it's purpose and be archived for my own, and other's (if they find it good), reference. Also, it's a good thing to promote Respawn as a product if a seasoned user of the forum goes through it step by step. If you haven't read my journal, my name is ****, I'm a 23 year old from Spain. I quit games a year and half ago, and despite some significant successes and achievements, I relapsed last week. I'm opening this short journal to rework on the process and try to fix what I did wrong, or not right enough. It's not a closed journal, comments and feedback will be very welcomed during the whole thing. If you don't know what Respawn is, it's Game Quitters first, most cherished and trademark guide to "quit video games, fill the void and take control of your life". You can read about it and purchase it here (yes, purchase. We have to keep this alive somehow...!). Here we go! - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chapter 1 fundamentals: 4 general reasons why we play games are: Temporary Escape, Socialization, Constant Measurable Growth and Challenge. You have to find out the reasons why you play and keep them present, or it will be very easy to get swept by cravings, nostalgia, and other mind tricks I'm sure you know well. With knowledge, you can act, seek alternatives. Without knowledge, you are lost and with no brakes. - Action Step 1 Report: "Why do I play games?" 1. I play games to hide from real life. I was raised a sheltered single child, very pampered and protected, to ridiculous amounts. So I'm not used to responsibility, real work, and facing problems. I tend to escape into things like existentialism and excuses about things I cannot change. My attitude is crap, and I am sorry and regretful, but I keep doing it anyway. 2. I don't play games to connect with friends. Rather, I use games to avoid meetings and events that put social pressure in me. I carry a feeling of awkwardness and inadequacy since childhood, and it doesn't matter I have met like-minded people now, I still hide and procrastinate, then I can give the excuse that I'm busy, tired or sick. 3. I play because in games, I don't have to deal with the fear of failure, I can always try again. In real life what you do is definitive, I fear making mistakes and most importantly, limit myself by making choices. If I don't make any decision, I can perpetually stay in a neutral ground and rationalize my inaction later. 4. I play because in games I can be whoever the hell I want and do whatever I think best without having to worry about others. There's no discussion about what's ethically best, or pragmatically attainable, or who's in the right or not. I do, I see results, I change and I improve, no one sabotages or opposes me. I have the control and I guess my biggest fear or frustration, is not having the control, not over others, but over myself. - Action Step 2 Report: "I want to quit playing video games because..." Because even though I am scared as fuck to take action, I am even more scared of growing old to find out I wasted my life doing nothing. Life outside games feels almost unbearable most of the time, but what would it be the same life without having accomplished the bare minimum to survive and exist decently? I would realize my only time on Earth was a waste, that I was a waste and a failure and then I would have to kill myself in shame. I don't want to reach that point, because I know I wouldn't, I would not kill myself, I'd be too scared. So I'd live my whole life in misery and regret, and that would be even worse than death. This happening is a very, very real possibility. To be honest I don't know where my life will lead me and if I'll be happy about it. But at least I can avoid this. I have to. These are my current answers, but they can change anytime. That wouldn't be a problem, I'll be revisiting them and update if needed, keeping this one for reference.

You can open a journal here if you want the visibility, but if you also want to improve the skills building a blog you can do it as well and link it. We have guys who do this, make videos/vlogs in Youtube and other kinds of content. Most welcome!

This relapse made me think and face a problem you may have noticed, that I noticed for sure and has been a constant since the beginning of this journal. I quit games, that was a success. I did great stuff that people complain about not doing all the time: Travel, meet people, get a romantic partner, do cool projects, etc. I am living example that I have all the tools for recovery and yet, something's still not working. I learned that it's not only about your actions, actions alone can get you out of an emergency but they don't work in the long run. In the late game, it all becomes about your mindset. If you read through my journal, you'll notice how I'm a pragmatic sort of guy. I like results, don't put too much thought on what I think or feel in the sense that I don't make a real effort to change them, but rather analyze and seek what I can do thanks to them when they are good or in spite of them when they are bad, which seems to be slightly more times than the former. And so I can manage without games, but my daily life hasn't improved significantly since I quit. Just ups and downs, with good things happening on a whim or good mood streak and then long periods of mediocrity and funk. This shouldn't be like this. It's not the kind of life Game Quitters promotes. It's not about being happy all the time, that's impossible. But it's not about the life I'm living either. I'll be honest with you. I quit, I read Respawn and Challenge but didn't really apply the concepts, and this was a huge mistake. Also, every time @Cam Adair spoke about feelings, I would think: "Yeah right, that's good and all but... (it's not for me)". I simply quit and clenched my fists until I built the habit of not playing games. But I didn't really move on. The next step is lacking. And what's more, for what I read in the journals, I bet the majority of you did something similar as well. And this may work for some of you, but the truth is, the majority of us are struggling much more, specially in the long term, than we should. And it's all because we're not truly focusing on the basics, because we don't consider them as basics in the first place. So I guess the right thing to do is to take a step back and start again, so to speak. I'm putting this journal on hold for the time being, opening a new one tomorrow. I'll be more specific, reporting my progress with Respawn (and probably Challenge after that). My first deadline is the 3rd of March, when I'm taking an exam (details about it on second part of entry). - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So of course, 14th of February, capitalism knocked at my door, and it was this: Soviet Union's most loved! Gulags were well worth this cute little thing. (?) There was even a cheesy note attached. Now, while recovering from the sugary ictus, it came to me this kind of support is literally giving me life. I'm so damn grateful for it. I can make this work man, I have everything! I'm certain now. I play games because I'm afraid. No more. I can manifest my will and vision into the world without it being a complete disaster. I am not a wrong person. I can be loved for who I am because since it's happening now, it already happened at some point of my life, time and space. I am not inadequate, and my ambitions aren't either, there is proof of it already. So, I will do what I want. No matter how hard or scary, or what other people say. And that's it. The first step will be to have some money, and for that (and also for the ego) I'm taking the next English exam. Last one was a huge success, this one is something else, really hard apparently. I'm worried but not afraid. This is C2, what real translators take to be recognized as such. Can't wait to have it in my pocket. Also, the new violin was already ordered, so I'll be having a new hobby real soon, probably next week. I'll come up with more ideas to keep my computer usage to the minimum, only to Game Quitters and "professional" purposes only. Also I'm not sure if I mentioned already, but I took back going to the gym. Nothing of this will work without the right mindset and emotional state, I know that already, and for that I'm taking a detox again, to rework and rewire. I cannot say it will go perfect (I can be without games fairly easily now, I mean do the next level work), but I have to try. There's literally nothing else to do with my life than to live it with dignity.

I relapsed heavily, I consider this to be the first serious relapse since I quit a year and a half ago. I'm not sure what to think and probably is because I'm still in the middle of it. Things at home reached event horizon. My grandma's mental state is terrible, and hiring a caretaker has become urgent. This means no more travels or interesting stuff for me until I earn it on my own. I'm also uncertain about this. It may provide the final incentive I need to start doing things, or it may work the opposite way, providing a reason to keep stuck at home since "I can't pay for it anyway". God and specially you guys know I didn't want to put myself in this place. I had all the time in the world to actually prepare for this, and of course got caught with my pants down. I had all the time of the world, all my puberty and adolescence to learn useful and cool skills, and cultivate friendships. And what did I do? Play video games. I'm still doing it, right fucking now because I can't emotionally cope with the situation. And the more I do, the less I'll be able to, and so on, so on. See, this is the kind of downward spiral that makes me afraid of things like (my own) death. It makes me feel cornered, as if a deterioration of the situation was by all means unavoidable. Which it is, in a way. I don't get it. How do you play "to lose"? How do people do that? How do people know about it and carry on as if nothing, generally being supreme assholes to each other? Or maybe precisely because of that? I passionately despise how this universe works. In a strategy game, I push some buttons, pixels blitzkrieg Pixel Poland and that's it, I can take a rest, go grab a soda or some shit. That's my style. That's how I like doing things. I was born with a brain who loves to do things this way. Pragmatically and progressively. Strategically. Focused on ends rather than means. Anything else is hostile and oppressive. It's torture. You give a person something, fill their ears with promises of what they can do with that something, then snatch it away at any random moment, or after a painful decay. And the guy is aware of the process all the time. Well, that's it, that's life, and it works like a fucking procedure in Guantanamo. Every time I express myself like this, I cannot help to think everyone's gonna laugh at me or find it ridiculous. Because it's something so basic, so natural, so factual, so damn real and indisputable that, what's to talk about it, really? It simply is. People don't seem concerned as I do and that makes me feel alone and stupid. Some are probably avoiding the conversation because it triggers them as well, but then, how do they do it? From my perspective, I can only see one difference. People are out there doing shit. I'm not. That makes me the loser, the one in the wrong, the wrong one. I thought focusing all my strenght in doing shit would place me along the "People who do shit" group, and it would be easier to cope. But I'm missing something, and this something is sabotaging all my efforts in everything else. Was it a responsibility? I already have it: Game Quitters. Was it a special someone? I already have it, and he's lovely, not trophy lovely but really amazing. Was it new experiences? I collected a bunch of them in the time I've been without games and they were a game-changer for me. Why is it not working then? What am I doing wrong, I wonder? Maybe I don't function like the rest of the people and the usual comforters work differently in me. I mean they are absolutely great, and my life would be much worse without them (specifically in the brink of suicide, as I started this journey), but why the fuck am I still not "functional"? That should be the first step, and yet it feels as if I got the roof tiles before the cement. I'm doing a great job at rationalizing it, but the truth is my emotions are in complete disarray rigth now. I have not the slightest idea, notion or intuition of how to escape, adress, manage or tackle this problem. And I mean, not a single bit. That worries and discourages me, because I fear tomorrow it will be the same. And the next day. And the next. I've never felt this particular kind of hopelessness either. I'm not even complaining and victimizing right now. I'm just lost man.

That's the thing. I'm currently lacking hobbies and the output of my "job" is worse because of that. You have to keep a balance, don't think about them as "lesser" things compared to a job. If you're happy, you'll work harder. If you work harder, you'll earn more, and money pays for hobbies which give happiness in return. It's a closed circle. I think you should try combining new activities with not gaming. You'll probably see that you're doing great, and you'll either forget about games or try moderation. The majority of people who try moderation fail and have to quit again, but I'm not against trying, you have to experience things yourself. But first you should end the 90 days while making an effort to actively change things.

Welcome to the forum @Malone! Got any ideas on new things you'd like to do?

I know the feeling, and it's a complicated thing, but you should adress it (I'm on it as well, and not ashamed to say that struggling heavily). Human brains work on a stimulus-reward pattern. If you become a walking checklist, you're effectively losing the ability to enjoy things, and enjoyment is the reward that triggers the habit building process. It's essential you are having fun so your brain wants to keep doing the stuff. In the past, video games did this for you, the enjoyment was passive, they were just engineered to stimulate your neurons. Now you have to embrace "active enjoyment" of sorts. Being mindful and present that it's not just because you need to get this or that done but you also actually want (consciously decide to do). We were taught that work and fun were mutually exclusive concepts. Fuck that. "Work" can be "fun" if you let it. Everything you do is an experience, menial or superficially dull as it may look at first. Seek enjoyment in all things man.

Welcome @Yann! Hang in there man. It seems the moments you were playing less were the moments you were most involved with other people. Now you've found yourself more alone and the cravings are coming back. Video games are the solution you know to the same old problem, they won't give you anything new. You can always play, but then you'll always stay the same, feeling crappy and unfulfilled. Everyone feels like a loser sometimes for many reasons. In your case I'd say: get new hobbies that give you the opportunity to make new friends. Don't stay all day at home becoming more and more isolated. I did that once and it was a terrible mistake. Get out there, do stuff, challenge yourself to try new approaches. We have your back, if you ever need to talk, express yourself or seek support, this is a great place to do it. From there, start building. You can do it!

Welcome Tom! Being open and honest is the best foundation to build new relationships and nurture the old ones. You've got this.

Seems to be going well, keep it up

Welcome back Steve! [I have a intense fear of getting better because I have a fear of independence and I fear if I get better I'll lose all my support, so I have a lot of willfulness when it comes to using skills.] I get this. Happens to me with my family and home. My expenses are covered and I'm taken care of more than I should given my age. So getting out has the extra difficulty of leaving the comfort zone and venturing into something I know will be harder than the current situation. But that's what getting better is about, taking up a bigger challenge and raise the bets, right? Sometimes everyone needs to step back and be the one who gets support, but we cannot stagnate in the "victim" role. It's scary to be accountable for yourself (you tell me, it terrifies me!), but it's worth it.

@Moe Smith, I'm moving this to journals, ok? Glad to see you posting again man, I'm sure you're finding your answer as well. You're walking the walk.

Current mood, glad to see you back!

I honestly laughed. Mismatching outfits... Great to see you're enjoying nature as well! I love nature. @Mhyrion is officially our weaponized quitter now. If someone relapses, we send her to kick you in the balls. You have been warned. @Cam Adair agrees with me on this. Expect it to be added to the rules soon.

Everything fine. Trying to improve current performance.

Hi Thomas! Welcome to the community. I used to have many friends in Computer Science so I understand your struggle, you are literally surrounded by video games there. It will probably be tougher for you to set a barrier between games, but focus on your goals and you'll make it. We have your back man. [Btw, I'm putting your accounts under spoiler, hope you don't mind. Some folks being really sensitive about triggers and that.]

I'm fluent in normal conversation you could say, then I read an actual book written in English (by a native, not a foreigner) and it's like "Well, crap". So much vocabulary, that I can understand but can't remember for use later. I'm sure you will man. These things pass. They'll pass either you give up or not, but if you give up it'll only take longer. So don't. Focus in getting it right asap, and don't be too hard with yourself. You can do this!

Welcome! For those goals I guess you'll have to develop a plan to spend a lot of time outdoors. You can do it man!

I pulled off a @Cam Adair level of manifestation and met a luthier by pure coincidence at the gym today. There's a chance that I can both buy an new violin and fix the old one for future sale. Life's magic folks. On other topics work is exciting and social life is thrilling. Back at the crest of the wave. It's now the time to do the things I know I have to do to stay there.

Deseando leer el final de esta historia. Y vaya historia. No tengo más que respeto y admiración por ti amigo. La pasaste muy jodida pero que estés aquí con nosotros, con tu claridad mental, me inspira. Parecía que había dejado de leerte, eh? Pero no, es simplemente que... qué puedo añadir. Una historia cruda y real. Admirable tu fuerza, de verdad. Ahora mismo no me sale la cuenta con el tiempo que llevas sin jugar, y no recuerdo si ya te mencioné esto antes pero, te gustaría escribir un 'case study' en castellano? Básicamente, una versión corta de tu historia, para publicar y compartir en redes y otros canales. Escríbeme por privado si te interesa. Cuídate mucho!

The opposite @Remigjus man, so glad you wrote. Being able to have this conversation is already an achievement. The problem is, I'm getting more involved with other people in projects, things are actually starting to move, and I need to commit and leave the bullshit finally behind. Taking it to the next level, you know? Of course you do, but I'm not doing it, I'm not stuck, I'm actually taking a little steps backwards, and I can't stand that. I'm not sure how to proceed tho, I know the theory but not sure how to apply it in my specific specificness of being not exactly the brightest, most motivated student in class.

That day was successful, and things have been slowly, very slowly, getting functional at least. Relapse report done, you can check it here. It feels incomplete, but it's a good start. Shit I really need to start taking it seriously. And I really need to take seriously stop taking it so seriously, you know what I mean? Become an embodiment of flow. I can do it. I know I can.

Short summary: I didn't fuck up yet but I'm in that path I know well already and setting myself up for a really bad time. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I haven't relapsed per se, in the sense that I haven't return to my old gaming habits or games. But I feel I've returned to my old pattern of thoughts and that's the first step. I'll try my best to keep it short. I'm going through a storm of negative emotions right now. I keep having defeatist thoughts, thoughts that it doesn't matter, that life is meaningless, that I'm lost and drowning. This may be unavoidable since the circumstance I'm struggling with, life itself, it's not going to change. It's just gonna happen. My best chance is to dodge and handle the bad thoughts till literally 5 minutes before my death, considering I'm aware of it when it happens. BUT, here's the thing, my actions have been getting in tune with this defeatist mindset. And even when I was feeling more optimistic, I would still indulge in bad habits. I've been doing it wrong from the start, my thoughts where never in the same line of my actions, and viceversa. What have I been doing right? - I haven't reinstalled Steam, not even to play free games. - I haven't reinstalled games that I used to be heavily addicted to, despite several cravings. - I haven't played 16 hours a day ever again. I can count the days I've played games with my hands, in a year and a half since I quit. - I haven't had suicide thoughts, heavy blunders or hiding episodes. - I haven't stop journaling, even if I had several spaces and short pauses. What have I been doing wrong? - Watch streams from time to time (binge episodes) - Watch a lot of porn, and play (mainly) RPGMaker H-games.* - Mindless browse social media, including instances of "picture cruising". - Consistently avoid and procrastinate a normal lifestyle, eating like shit or not doing it at all, skipping showers and night sleep hours. - Avoid social life, development of hobbies and a constant workflow. Why? I haven't been facing my existential anguish. I would push it forward and aside, letting it bottle up until it explodes. Then my sanity faceplants against the floor and everything breaks down. I should compliment myself for being able to get up a thousand times, right? But still, this method is not effective at all. It's wearing me down. Until the point when I collapse, I hide in my room binging shit, Cam says "Screw you and your unreliability" and I'm left with nothing again. With no reason to be away from games and escapism. That is what it wants, god fucking damn it. It's not a mere 'resistance' that if I don't take seriously I end up doing things mediocrely. It's an all or nothing fight in which there's no middle ground of being functional but unhappy. I'm not even in that point. Of course I have a thousand ideas of what "I should do". But they don't apply, I must face it, because the moment I intend to take a serious step towards any direction,this anxiety steps in in turn, and it doesn't know limits. There's not a top level of anxiety I can reach, it leverages equally with my level of enthusiasm for not being in the mud. So I have realized that I'm not stronger than it, in the sense that I cannot overpower it with sheer willpower. I cannot wrestle it down with my gonads, I need to think. Where lies the power of my bad habits? - Porn: It's pleasurable, it's addictive, easy to reach and I hold insecurities with women, hence why I browse hetero porn in which women actively take the leading role. Makes the illusion of being attractive to them, probably. No femdom though, which reinforces the theory that I'm watching it for a specific insecurity I have in the real world that should be fixed in the (vanilla) real world. - H-games: Several factors: Gamification: I am the holder of the decisions in a crafted but still more open environment than a mere video where I'm just a pasive observer. Customized: Broader scope of fetishes. Here femdom and BDSM applies. Warning, lewd: - Streams: I think I'm using it to fill in for the lack of sociability. My friends are few and are scattered. And I never played multiplayer with like-minded people, so I never shared the games I enjoyed with anybody. I feel there's a void there. Of course I also watch voice-less streams, and that's plain nostalgia. I think it's again due a lack of other activities and boredom. It's easier to relax watching someone doing all the work than getting into a hobby which would also make me stressed because I'm such a damn perfectionist. - Escapism: Not sleeping, eating or showering makes me fatigued, which makes for the perfect excuse to rest and forget issues for a while. Then I can simply exhaust myself again by doing things wrong, rinse and repeat. It's easy and effective. What can I do to counter this right now? - Stop doing harmful shit. That's my specialty, it's easier for me to stop doing things than starting new ones. This means taking super seriously not watching streams and porn, and stop playing lewd games. For that last thing I will need to compensate by real life experience and... uh-oh. - Going to bed at the proper time: No matter if I don't sleep shit and I have to sleep again during the morning, there's an action of going to sleep at a certain hour and that's it. - Get a new hobby. I used to feel this was secondary. Now it happens that I cannot be functional if I'm not acceptably satisfied. I'm a first-world pansy, but if it works that way, it works that way. These three are to be done immediately. Aside from that I have to commit again to the detox, and put myself in 'detox-mode'. I admit I haven't trusted the process, and it's my responsibility. So before taking it for impossible I'll try again properly.

Hi Bruno! Glad to have you with us. You made a brave decision for you and your loved one. You can take 90 days without games and take it back any moment, but can you take back your marriage if it's done? You can do this, we have your back!