Hitaru

Welcome to the forum! We recommend cold turkey quitting, but if you want to try moderation first it's fine. You have the Journal Section if you want to keep track of your progress, the forum for whatever topic you want to browse or question you may have, the YouTube channel for even more information, case studies, etc. Feel at home.

Same here as well and I'm also traveling! @Cam Adair We can make a field study and check if traveling helps with addiction (which I'm most sure it does). South America is amazing, be sure to enjoy it!

My deepest respect for you. In a situation like yours reaching out to your feelings and facing them will surely be really scary, you're making a truly brave decision and I'm sure you will find all the understanding and support from this community. Thank you for sharing. You're very welcome here.

Short news: I passed my C2 exam and I'll be spending the next 6 months in Italy. Starting yesterday. So hi from Italy! Explanation: My relapse was over a while ago, but being stable is not the same as being ok. I still have a lot of fucked up habits. Deep down I knew the effective solution for this was to put distance from home, but my chances to get a job were slim. So without thinking it too much I applied for some voluntary work abroad, and got selected. It wasn't a genius move on my part, it just kind of happened on an impulse. There should be a wall of text or two here, but they keep being 'delayed'. I'm on it though. There are things to tell, for sure.

Being eastern european you shouldn't underestimate how much a pile of car parts can actually work as one, if mildly funny internet videos are any reference. Seriously tho, I'm proud of your bravery taking the first necessary step. Passing and dealing with it all is another completely different issue. One day at a time. Hang in there my friend.

Ohhh my, a strange liquid fell on my cheek. So proud of you... sis? Has a strange ring to it, has it not? But not in a bad way, at all. The things that happen in this place Really clumsy with my words right now (also related to reasons in my own field) but just so you know, you have my endless, undying support. Anything you fancy to talk, just hit me via PM (they work now, how cool is that). Really, I just... Damn, the emotions, expressing them, so complicated for my person. Nevermind. Trying to express a positive reaction. I respect and admire you. And love you. Sounds stupid, I know. Just take it as a genuine thing, cause it is. Looking forward to the continuation of your journey. You're at a very exciting point.

I'm reluctant to write since I'm still in some kind of adaptation period and I don't want to give my brain an early reward, but there's also a commitment with myself to journal and I find that a good thing. I'll keep it short. Violin arrived. Testing it for the first time tomorrow. Pretty excited and nervous. I don't want to get overwhelmed in two days and give it up. I invested too much, financially and emotionally. I'll find it its place in my life. It will be hard tho. Been three days clean. No PMO, no games, barely any mindless browsing, three, four hours in the whole week at most. Sleeping, eating, showering, getting out. The background anxiety is killing me. It is a problem. It's a fact that I'll run out of willpower eventually (using it trains it, but it's still a limited resource), so before burning myself out and get into the next funk I need to take decisive action about this anxiety. And to keep this streak of absolute fact, I admit I don't have a single clue. Should I talk with my mother to go to a therapist? Another one? I can't pay for it anyway. My hands are tied in that sense and it doesn't look there's an easy way out. In the meantime, I began tracking my moods again. I'll do my best to keep a positive balance of moods (have more good moods registered than bad ones), as some sort of challenge. So far I'm good. It can be a way of motivating me to "double down on what works", since the app has the kindness to track that for you as well. Pretty handy. Ironically, I checked on my Passion Planner and I'm actually close to meet the goals I set for 3 months, despite the whole relapse and feeling like crap. They were: getting the English certificate (don't know for sure yet but at least I went to the exam), getting the violin and getting the driving license. The license will take at least two months if I start now, and there's also a huge examiners strike, but I could get the theory done fairly easily. Think I mentioned this before, situation hasn't changed since. Considering this, my life seems to be working somehow yet I think it would be pretty fucking sad to live the whole present of my existence like shit and only realize that things were fine once they passed. You know what I mean? Having a huge Wikipedia entry is great and that, but I also want to be happy - no, 'content', satisfied, at peace; that's happiness for me - . I'm not making progress in that area. Maybe, and just maybe, @Cam Adair is right after all (notice the sarcasm in "after all", since apparently I've tried all and every method except the one that works) and doing the right things for enough time eventually puts shit in place, and the magic happens. Still too early to know.

@eshi2000 Great job man!

@Regular Robert I read you brother, the moment you posted it. It's powerful. Anything I say about your words will probably sound stupid, but I promise you they won't fall on deaf ears. You have my word, friend. I'm navigating through this... moment, of my life. It's a short moment, I've seen the word generally used for longer periods, but a moment. It's not over yet, I don't want to be overconfident; in doing so I know I end up not being confident at all and you all end up having to read my woes so I don't want to fuel that dynamic as well. Recent news, I did my C2 English exam and was good, issue is there is very short room for making mistakes and I may or may not reach the required score. I'm not worried no matter the result, but it would be amazing to get the thing, it would allow me to be an English translator. Like, for real, a literal translator (requiring a license and whatnot but an achievable thing). Good prospects. Violin will be in my hands tomorrow, finally. I haven't played games for a while now, but again I don't want to take this relapse for ended. I know I'm just abstaining. I know I'm repeating the same old patterns. Now that my PC is not blocked anymore I feel the cravings and symptoms. I cannot sleep well at nights (to be fair, I couldn't either when it was). I know putting some distance is one of the essentials, so will I need to sleep in hotels from now on? Feels like square one, or two to be kind with myself. In a very painful way, all this discomfort kind of feels like the soreness from being chained, and the most relevant part is the awareness of it. All in all I don't want to give you the usual, boring spiel. I'm not ok, that's a fact, but I think things are developing and... I guess I just need some time for myself. I hate the idea, and in a sense everything related to myself, and that's all the more reason for such time. Funny, I used to fear missing out on my favourite games, or regret never having involved with the community of people who loved the same games I played. Now I regret missing on this community, on the value I could provide. On the sense of connection of belonging to a place. No, no, it's not baiting for a pat in the back, I'm not joking. I don't know how to properly phrase this sensation because of the feelings of inadequacy but I'll get over this awkwardness eventually (I hope). I've been observing myself and quite right, there's not a real reason to use my PC for more than... an hour at most, being quite generous. So, ridiculously obvious as it sounds, I'm addicted. In its most primary definition. I'm addicted to the glow of the screen, because if you check my history, I don't even do that many things on it, just the same two or three all the time, that I can perfectly name. Play lewd games. Watch porn. Listen to music. Watch a youtube video now and then. I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm detoxing, and I'm feeling terrible. But I'm going through it. And I'll come back in some days better. I think. Right? Right.

He has shown to be part of the squad. This video proves it. Check it out: Some thoughts: Many of you probably know the guy, his magnificent facial hair and (our) shared love for videogames, videogame OSTs to be precise. His videos pile up millions of views (and it wouldn't be strange if some of you have stopped watching them because of triggers, I did but it was more in an effort to stop browsing Youtube in general rather than gaming stuff in particular). I'm sharing this video with you guys, in this section, because many of us need that little push in order to develop our creativity (that's what the section is about, right?). Many of us spend a lot of time thinking: "Man, I wish I could do this or that, take up that instrument or that art, set up my own thing, be noticed and famous, boats and bitches", and so on. But we go to bed without daring, we just talk and daydream. Day after day. We consume, we never create. We are afraid to step forward, to take up the challenge. We fill our head with excuses: it's weird, it's not going to work, it sucks, I'm not ready, I don't have money, I need to get this or that done first. And at the end of the day, you get that nagging feeling in your chest, your neck or your stomach. It's the lie cramps. It's what you get when you know you're fooling yourself. It's your guilty conscience, saying: "Every day you are not doing what you love, or loving what you do, is a day wasted". Don't fall for this guys. Love yourselves. Love what you do, do what you love. Shame and failure are illusions, cognitive fallacies constructed to make us blend in among the rest, to expand and nurture our comfort zone. Think about your own reasons, what motivates you, what makes you passionate, what is restraining you. Stop consuming. Get to work. Get to have fun. Get to live.

One of the worst things of having relapsed is no doubt having to tell people about it: "Oh, really?" It's heartbreaking. My tribe, my purpose, my connection, feels as if I lost it and it's all my fault. My weakness, my cowardice. Now I can only feel shame and guilt. Talking with people holds no excitement, I no longer have plans for them. Reading journals is painful and leaves the impression of events escaping me, falling behind until I fall from this train, to be left alone and hopeless. "That's terrible." I know this sensation. I felt like this when I gave up the acting school. - [My classmates are graduating this year, I'll go see them and it will be pure torture, distilled angst nihilist movies are made of. I'll have to talk about what I've been doing, the staple nightmare of any NEET.] - Having this clarity of mind about what's going on with me is, at the very least comforting. It feels as if the failure was within some part of me as a person. Honestly speaking, the thoughts about dying have returned. Not by my hand. How many times will I have to return to this point until it works or I give up? It's exhausting. I've turned defeat into a habit. I want to ask for help but I don't want to look more dependent and powerless. How am I supposed to help others if I am powerless? But I need help. We talk business now: The combination of mother's house and care + laptop is a fucking disaster, so I'm quitting it. The house will be harder, so I'm starting with the laptop. I'm making a list of everything I do or potentially do with the laptop and set alternatives. Surprise, I can perfectly stop using it, I'm just addicted to it. I'll look for alternatives for music and reading, transfer the passwords, all the stuff. I'll carry all my technology needs in my pocket like a man of the future. That will be the key to open the door of my freedom. I was never a mobile gamer to begin with. Also violin parts arrived, now it's just picking and paying it up and there we go. I don't think I'll find a place outside to practice and that'll be perhaps a problem, but I'm working on it.

I've been finding more trouble with the more emotional, checking with yourself part of Respawn, but I'll get it done. The violin delivery is being delayed (we're -me and my contact- waiting for the bow) but it will happen before March arrives. My state hasn't been good, but I've been eating slightly better each day and didn't drop the gym, which was a small miracle in itself. I have a good schedule prepared probably for the first time ever and know what to do step by step, but not overwhelmingly so, there are gaps and it's more oriented to get daily goals done rather than controlling every second of the day. Has room for improvement but the basics are covered. Now it only takes mustering the courage and that's the whole deal for me. On a slightly hopeful note, I might be fetching aforementioned shitty job soon, that would be big. Fingers crossed. Edit, more stuff: Saw the last film by Guillermo del Toro today and while not risky in the argument part, it was a really pleasing experience. Probably the first movie that inspired me to think about starting a collection of favourites. Perhaps I should do that, make a conscious effort to keep the things I like (movies, music, motivational videos...) close instead of "floating around" in my life? Sounds pretty basic but it's a kind of revolutionary concept for the one I used to be. I mean, that probably would help me to keep me motivated and with my spirits up. Essentially what the rest of humans do by instinct but I have to walk the extra mile to enforce. I feel weird about myself sometimes, as if I was lacking a piece in my machinery. Ah, nevermind.

Welcome Branko! The majority of people in the forums will agree that getting your stuff together before uni will save you a lot of trouble, so you made a good move. Glad to see you here!

https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/2351-journal-of-a-gamer-mom-possibly-a-manifesto-too/ https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/4288-ashleys-journal-for-the-nth-time/ https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/4441-taking-one-day-at-a-time/ Ts, ts, ts, making false accusations, aren't we? You hurt my feelings (Actually there was an issue with the forum while you were away and now the search index doesn't work apparently. Noticed just now. Spme stuff did actually disappear. Sorry for the inconvenience if this was your case!) Welcome back!

Guys, 2 years and a half, 875 posts, 15 months after my first successful detox, despite all the things that happen that I consider achievements, I'm still at this stage. Honestly, I don't have an excuse for myself. I was probably living in the illusion that things were going better. This is not my usual journal, so I will not vent, victimize, or... all those things I usually do. I'm trying my best to refrain, but... let's say I'm not feeling good seeing this laid here so plainly. I feel like a fraud. The day I began this sub-journal @Cam Adair and I talked (wrote each other, as I said earlier, I barely talk with people at all) and I swear I could collect the disappointment dripping from his words into my fingertips. It felt that real. Brother, this is not a public accusation. I know you were coming at me from a position of genuine, open concern, and I am grateful. I know this guilt is nothing but the backstabbing tactic my brain and my darkness inside are using to make me quit (I mean give up). I'm not quitting tho. Not yet. Moving on. - Action Step 10 and 11 Report: "Choose a Calendar and add Obligations": Well this was pretty easy of course. I'm choosing Google Calendar for convenience, and my only "obligation" was already added. That leaves me with an average of 109-110 free hours per week. - Action Step 12 Report: "Add new activities and create routines": This needs some thought. I'm dividing the activities in 2 blocks: The ones I need to invest money to begin or keep and the ones that are free and could be started right now: Need initial or constant investment: Low: Reading, Listening to music, Meditation (Headspace), Volunteering (Training Courses), Politics (Fee), Hanging out with friends. Moderate: Violin (Lessons), Drawing (Lessons), Learning to make music, Working out (Fee), Fencing (Lessons), Martial Arts (Lessons), Dancing (Lessons), Sports. High: Languages (Lessons), Photography (Lessons), Working out (Trainer), Traveling. Are for free: Practice by myself: Violin, Drawing, Languages, Photography, Meditation, Working out, Martial Arts, Sports, Studying (including preparing E+ Project). Could make money someday: Translating, Working in Game Quitters, Politics, (Any hobby if I master it). Are just relaxing/fun: Watch movies/documentaries, Volunteering, Taking walks, Going to see stuff in town. Illegally: Reading, Listening to music, Learning to make music. Right now I'm working out with a trainer and I'm keeping that for the time being. Another high investment activity is currently impossible, and I could take a moderate one by straining the budget (and the budget-maker) to the limit. Trying to look for a job is also an option, but I wouldn't count on it. It may just happen however. (I'm considering what new things to pick and how to integrate them, will update in a few hours)

Chapter 5 fundamentals: ---- (Later) - Action Step 9 Report: "Current Routine Breakdown": Wake up between 13:00 and 18:00, go to bed between 3:00 and 7:00 Usually either I eat when I cannot take it anymore (once every day and half or so) or when my mother's there to make meals for the whole family. Yes, despite the fact she works 5 days a week and I do nothing. And since she's absent sometimes, then sometimes I don't eat (It's fucking pathetic, I'm aware of it so please don't make comment giving it more relevance, I'm describing it because I have to in order to change it but I admit, it shames me greatly). I almost never meet with friends, but I tend to keep intermittent communication through WhatsApp, my main channel to the outside world. I never get out of the house by myself for the pleasure of doing it (or to keep cravings in check). Being out of the house alone, as mentioned before, makes me restless. Gives me plenty of room to think about previous mistakes, or future struggles. I meet my boyfriend once every two weeks on average, since he's currently in another town working. Currently I'm going to the gym to work-out 2-3 hours a week, that's my only fixed commitment right now. Recently I relapsed and been playing Hearts of Iron IV. I'm convinced the reason for this is because I both love alternate history and the idea of me making it. It is an outlet for me to my ambitions, I can pretend I'm doing high politics in an artificial setting where I have complete control. In other words, since I'm scared of judgement and failure I prefer to waste my time lying to myself and killing away my life rather than stand for my beliefs and completely arbitrary, emotion-based ideology, as every other ideology out there. (Don't worry, I also play other nations besides Nazi Germany...! I know this is no joking matter but it's a way to cope with both the shame of this sad life and the self-hate for liking politics that has been eating me from the inside since forever.) In summary: The breakdown of my average day right now could be described with: 10%: Game Quitters. 20-25%: Watch TV (either with family or alone, usually the same old chapters of a relatively bad quality sit-com. Pretty sad. I know.) 5-10%: Watch porn. +50%/-70%: Mindless browse, usually in order to feel bad about myself, game (this last month), have inconsequential conversations with friends in order to not feel alone. Since I don't have responsibilities, there's not a real difference between weekdays and weekends for me.

Welcome! It can be really stressing putting yourself out there, but you can keep yourself as private as you feel comfortable with. Normally you'll become more open with sharing the more you post, but it's your journey and you set the pace. Looking forward to your updates with Respawn! You can do this, we have your back.

Congrats!!

Violin is on the way so I'll have a new hobby pretty pretty soon, wish me luck! Because I worry I won't dare to take it seriously and make excuses but at the same time I feel super committed to it. Don't know, don't know, I'm anxious about it. I'll see how I feel when I have it between my fingers and work my emotions from there. Still working on Respawn as well, next reports coming right away.

@Cam Adair True that. I've been thinking about it these last two days and fixed my worksheet accordingly. I think the result is satisfactory! The biggest challenge I'm facing is I get really anxious (sometimes panic attack anxious) when I'm outside, specially alone. I have a tendency to isolate myself at home and that's when I game, I mess my meals and sleeping schedules, etc. I'm not used to stimulants (eg. coffee) and I'm reluctant to add them permanently to my life but I guess I'll have to accept it, because normally I'm really low energy, even when I have the habit of working out. I should probably talk about this "can't stand being outside alone" issue with someone.

Enhorabuena por esos 6 meses Jay. Como siempre una inspiración leerte.

Chapter 4 fundamentals: The 3 categories of new activities and hobbies to fill the void of games are: 1. Mentally Engaging: Something stimulating, a skill to develop, an achievement or goal to pursue. 2. Resting: Something to do at home when you’re tired and/or bored that requires a low amount of energy. 3. Social: Something to help you make new friends outside of games and that helps you get out of the house. - Action Step 6 Report: "New activities to replace gaming": Mentally Engaging: violin, drawing, learning languages*, studying, translating, working in Game Quitters. Resting: violin, drawing, watching movies/documentaries, reading, learning to make music, listening to music, photography, siesta-ing, taking walks, meditation. Social: fencing, volunteering, politics, traveling, meeting friends, working in Game Quitters, go see stuff in town (expositions, concerts, etc.) Extra - Physically Active: fencing, working out, dancing, martial arts, sports*. * Languages: Latin Languages (all), German, Russian, Japanese... / * Sports: Swimming, sailing, canoeing, roller skating, biking, karting. - Action Step 7 and 8 Report: "Go-to activities, Backups and Environments": To be mentally engaged my go-to activity will be: Work in Game Quitters. When I’m tired my go-to activity will be: Siesta-ing. Have some coffee or tea and take a walk To make more friends my go-to activity will be: Volunteering or Politics When I feel bored my go-to activity will be: Violin When I’m feeling stressed my go-to activity will be: Working out My backup(s) will be: Mentally Engaged Activity: Violin, drawing, translating Resting Activity: Listening to music, watching movies/documentaries, translating, meditating Social Activity: Politics or Volunteering, see stuff in town, meet friends, go to parties (whatever, really, friends just tend to happen and I'm ok with that) Environments: Cafeterias, libraries, the beach, the park, the church (What? It's a chill place), seats near the bay, *Currently Urgent: Study for English exam, study for driving license, prepare Erasmus+ Project*

Chapter 3 fundamentals: - "New Me" Check-in Checklist: 1. Am I feeling happy? If not, what can I do to change it?: Partly. My outside environment is behaving, being supportive right now, and everything harmful is currently coming from the inside. I would need to freely express myself without fear, and put my life in order. Speak like I want, dress like I want, act like I want, meet with whoever I want, whatever. 2. Do I have the friends I want? If not, what can I do to change it?: Yes but. I have friends that I can connect with on a mental and sometimes emotional level and I don't want to lose them, but I lack driven individuals who gently push me forward and motivate me to better myself. Most if not all of my friends, even my boyfriend, also struggle with self-esteem and confidence issues. I'm not complaining but sometimes gives the feel of an echo chamber: when I'm not managing my issues, I'm listening and helping others. In the community as well, when I'm feeling fine it's the time I use to listen and help others, and when I'm not, I take a step back and tend to myself -like right now. There's not a time for me to enjoy myself, stop worriying or put aside the "problem-solving mode" with chill people. To change this I'd say I have to meet new friends, people less focused in introspection or in another stage of life. Find the giants to step in their shoulders, so to speak. I could also learn to become this person, permanently or in certain moments, and begin to attract similar people. 3. Am I working a job that I like? If not, what can I do to change it?: I work in Game Quitters and I love it, but I don't have a job with an income. I'd like to find a job that allowed me to work while traveling, no strings attached. Right now it doesn't need to be a super job, it can be a part-time job I can take and leave to mix working periods with traveling periods. Since I don't have studies, my options are limited, but I could either look for a shitty job, or something online. This answer is pretty general, but so is the question. I'll keep going and think about it again later.

Last post was pretty intense, right? I wasn't expecting that myself, I wrote a first draft and everything that is now underlined came to me after finishing it up. It feels great to be so on-point. I'm not sure if I was aware of all that already and diluted it in tons of journal entries, or if it's new information, but I'm sure it will be a good thing to have it in a single post at the very beginning of a topic. Now with... - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chapter 2 fundamentals: Putting a barrier of entry to make gaming harder and less appealing, and creating a window of opportunity to think twice in the event of a craving, and consider alternatives, which is what you actually want to do deep down, beyond the inertia of the known thing. Two cognitive biases to take into account that are instrumental in the process of rationalizing keep gaming instead of quitting: Sunk Cost Fallacy and Loss Aversion. If you don't know about them, google them. Or... purchase Respawn! (was that a lame pitch? Yeah, it kind of was. I mean it tho, and I'm not getting paid to promote it. Yet.) - Action Step 5 Report: "Barrier Building Checklist": 1. Uninstall the games: Done. 2. Delete accounts and characters: Done: Btw here's a tutorial on How to get rid of your Steam account forever, that I used half and a year ago when I quit games seriously. Or rather I should say, I was only able to quit games seriously when I get rid of the Steam account. 3. Choose what you are going to do with your gaming consoles: I don't have, I was a PC user. There's the Game Boy somewhere but I haven't even thought about touching it, and when the craving comes I'll just smash it to the ground, cry because there was a lot of good memories and be done with it. I don't think I'll have to be that extreme anytime soon. 4. Unsuscribe from gaming channels: Done. I should have done this way, way sooner. Now if I'm recommended a video about something related to gaming, I just click "Not relevant" and the algorithm will get fixed eventually. That or I'll open a new account, which is not a bad idea. 5. Block sites you want to avoid: Now, this is a problem, because I tried it before and didn't work. My anxiety would skyrocket and I'd find a way to cheat. The amount of download sites and porn sites is infinite, the blocking apps will always fall one step behind. I still recommend them, they can come in handy, specially if you are one to give up when the difficulty to access becomes higher. I'm not discarding using them again but for the most part, I should make a compromise to myself to simply not use the computer at certain times, or use it only at certain times. I get sucked in with nothing, and since I use it for a lot of stuff besides the bad stuff, I can't simply get rid of it. I mean, I could, you know. But I don't want to live without its tools and resources, so I'll have to learn to use it the right way. And less. Most of all less. This will probably be revisited later with me saying that I had to use the damn blockers, but let's hope that it doesn't happen.

I should be sleeping but A. I slept in the morning so now I'm not sleepy at all and B. I'm really anxious, so I'll keep going with the reports and get tired eventually. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chapter 1 fundamentals (cont.): Emotions are a bitch. You gotta focus in smart goals, starting from the simplest to accomplish to the most complex, and during this process an "identity" of who you are will be built, your long term-goals becoming clearer as you either do or discard the shorter ones. Deep down we know what are these bigger dreams about, but since we are scared and they feel overwhelming to grasp we bury them below tons of games and assorted bullshit. This is a fuckup we made, yes, but it's ok. People do that all the time, non-gamers as well. The important thing is that you realize how have you been lying to yourself and engaging in pointless negotiation. There's nothing to feel sorry or bad about these emotions, they were meant to protect us, but sometimes things go the wrong way they intended. Here enters our intention and mindset to set the record straight. - Action Step 3 Report: "The emotions I'm experiencing are..." First of all, I find funny that I'm doing this kind of worksheets in my current stage of life. I just remembered how when I was a child, I would go every Friday to something literally called "Social Skills for (people with) High Intellectual Capacities" for years, and we did exercises like this all the time. It has a bitersweet aftertaste of continuation, as if I didn't learn anything at all and was still the weird child that needed to be fixed and acclimated to normal life. But that's just my personal impression and self-sabotage, and certainly not what Cam intended. It's good to take it out my chest anyway, feels refreshing to move on. More presently, I feel anxious, and to be honest, discouraged. I feel pushed to do this because I'm not good enough and I have to try my best to not be put aside in my chosen commitment to be part of Game Quitters, and then fail, show everyone that I am not able to move on from games, prove that the most meaningful thing I did in my life was in the end another bit of crap in the crap mountain, that nothing matters and I should simply kill myself already, or rather forget about it and sink into the dark pit of misery and regret mentioned before, because that's where I belong and I deserve. No reason given of course Since both the ideas of living with all the responsibilities this implies, and then dying and "lose" your progress like you'd lose a savegame are scary as fuck, in the dark side of my mind this is presented as a natural fact, like days having sunlight or rain falling down. I hate myself deep down for some reason I don't know because I am scared of the responsibility that comes with loving myself, since, if I loved myself I would have to act like it, get real and do what makes me happy, exactly those things I am scared to do. I feel my existence is harmful and bothersome to others, because if I loved others and acknowledge that they love me back, I would feel I need to be accountable to them, and I am scared of letting them down and their opinion of me. I need them to validate me and I don't want to do anything to provoke their disappointment or any kind of conflict. I feel I shouldn't be here, and at the same time, since I am already here, I'm trapped against my will. I can't do anything to avoid to suffer and lose my mind because I feel my goals and essentialy my very being are wrong and because they come in conflict with other people, and I'm trying my best to avoid expressing myself and create conflict. And that's the way it should be because there was a lot of effort being put into me learning to blend in, to pass below the radar, and in turn I bought this mindset completely, as the only, foolproof way to happiness. I bought it without realizing because deep down I didn't want my mother (and to a lesser degree the friends I had back then) to be disappointed, and when I wanted to realize, I was already confusing it with who I really was as if it genuinely came from me. I am scared that if I start to be who I believe I am deep down, even trying or searching it will make my mother suffer, and I believe she's the only person I have in this world because we have a codependency going on between the two, and because being bullied made me deeply distrustful of people my age. In summary, I'm feeling anything I can come up with to put myself down and make this fail, because that would justify go back to games. And since I'm kind of smart, I can be pretty creative in putting myself down, while also being harder for me to shrug it off, keep going despite the self-loathing or rationalize opposing, cheerful thoughts. I'm very certain that this low self-esteem is not normal, and I should adress it, but to be honest I'm disdainful of professionals. My experiences have mostly been disappointing, to keep it polite. I also don't want to burden my mother economically by beginning to tour a bunch of (what I emotionally consider to be) scammers until I find the real deal, but it may be unavoidable at some point. I won't cross out the option. - Action Step 4 is Join the Forum, and that's already been made.