Hitaru

>@Cam Adair >Playing videogames But that's... religiously unapproved!

You're obviously lacking the proper motivation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOYTfpHl0JA Don't thank me.

Bienvenido al foro! Developing new hobbies is really helpful to develop a lot of small talk and trivia, so two birds in one shot. Also, games are designed to be super stimulating and rewarding, even at a chemical level. You'll need a bit of time to rewire and begin to feel other activities interesting. Delayed rewards like the satisfaction of playing music or writing can be frustrating, but absolutely better than anything games could provide. Like instant food vs. healthy diet, takes effort, but it's worth it.

@Cam Adair Yeah... But it's slowly getting better and hey, I was only 50% oppressed, I can still bandwagon on sexual jokes and commentary about girls (?) I had an amazing time anyway, honestly. @WorkInProgress Spain is surprisingly tolerant with the L and G letters of the collective, things considered. We were much faster to approve gay marriage than say, France or Germany, even with our Church being more entrenched. My guess may be a bit unconventional, but I think a good chunk of the spanish population feel very bitter and ashamed for the dictatorship and consider we are "behind European standards" so as society we tend to go bananas with social issues. Spain must go forward to catch up at all costs, or back to the old days as God and the Caudillo intended. Practically none in-betweens and if they are, people consider them not "commited" or "serious" enough (even if they later play it safe when voting); it's been getting worse since 2008. So, either you're super progressive, super conservative, or you don't care at all. Ah, the good old black and white infighting. Smells just like home. It's actually a bit more complex than that, I could elaborate if you're interested. Bisexuals still get the butt of the joke and the depravity meme, it can be annoying but also played straight for laughs if you're not super shy about sexuality like me. With transexuals and queers (either in gender, expression or both) you can clearly see the contradiction I mentioned. Many don't get "the point" of them, but very few will speak up (even from a position of plain ignorance) for fear of being accused of intolerant. So they just shut up and mumble until they don't anymore, given enough time. Same happened with gays before. The way I've experienced it, Foucault was right: there doesn't seem to be morally superior ideologies, being progressive is just "in" nowadays and may as well change someday. Or not. Anyway that means the most effective approach is to isolate and give absolute silent treatment to undesirable ideas until they go away, even if we assume that majorities are simply built by arbitrary strength of numbers. The most convincing for emotional reasons wins. The rest shall be ostracised. May be different in the northern countries utopia, you can tell us about it I get the impression Spaniards are still a tiny little bit meek when talking about sex (beyond bluffing and bragging I mean) but with me in particular it just get ridiculous. I literally tear up in shame when discussing absolutely normal things with my SO. No religious or conservative education so I'm not sure where the hell does that come from. My thoughts on this are a mess, like you wouldn't believe. -------------------- 02/10/17 Ah man, good day today. I woke up early, went to the dock and signed up for sailing lessons next week, right away. I used to sail "double-hull" ships (don't know the English equivalent) and now I'm going to try "single-hull". Lighter, faster... and a mess to refloat. Then I met with a friend, had breakfast together, was socially awkward with a bartender, hanged a bit more at the beach while said friend smoked pot (I'm getting used to be around smokers without feeling strange for smoking as well), had lunch, and then a siesta under the sun (which was amazing and got rid of a whole batch of anxiety I was breeding) went to work on GQ related stuff (great progress btw!) and definitely checked on classes/personal training. I didn't know but the guy they had in mind for me apparently is ex-Naval Infantry, Spec-Ops brigade. In spanish jargon that means a godless beast. If it's true or not and they are just taking advantage from my desperation is yet to be seen, but I would't really mind an embellised story as long as he knows what he's doing. He seemed like an alright guy to me at least. Please gods of random happenings let the guy be true and the fee just. 03/10/17 First day of official work for GQ. Slow, sloooow. Failed on many good habits. Not a good day. Still, small progress. Not giving up. I'm in an awkward situation with my boyfriend right now and that may have made me more absent-minded. These two days I've been more isolated than usual, focusing on things to do rather than needed conversations. I don't recognize my usual self in this behavior, but I guess the proper thoughts and words just got... stuck. Now it's late, but I'll try to elaborate as well tomorrow.

@giblets Right? What a soft-skinned ego some people have. I mean he could have omitted the man-child rant and go straight for the "Dude, I think that wasn't right". And yes, I also have experienced that awkward back-stabbing (not much thankfully, I've much more witnessed it). Telling my story is kind of important, saw @Cam Adair doing it all the time in such a smooth way and working so well, thought I could give it a try as well, but no more; looks I'm clearly the Watson of this relationship lol. No but seriously tho, I'll be more careful (and trust my first impression profiling more, I know it's kind of a dick move but the evidence shows I tend to be right. People don't have to know...) @AlexTheGrape Thanks! No big deal, always bouncing back and forth, that's how it is. Getting better at it each time. Not just with people but everything in general. I'm thankful for this gradual transformation and the chance life gave me to go through it. @WorkInProgress Uh, complicated topic. I didn't feel they would outright beat me (firstly out of respect for my straight friend and nearest macho Cam, secondly because I didn't get that much homophobic vibes), but I certainly felt they would take me less seriously somehow. If it was a prejudice, we shall never know, but I prefer to play it safe. It's all in the subtleties. Like, someone makes a joke about me sucking one of the other guys dick for 40€ (it actually happened though I'm not sure how we arrived to that point) and I have to keep a straight face-no-pun-intended as if oh yes, that would be, like, super humiliating for my masculinity. Well, maybe prostitution would be, but the guy was well worth 40 dol... erm. Absolutely bad. Of course!

Awesome start, welcome to the community! Kudos to that therapist as well, there's nothing like peer support to help you or anyone else to overcome any challenge. You'll find plenty of both here. Embrace the fear. It's natural to feel scared. Natural doesn't mean you must feel that way, or that you'll always feel this way. It means that among all the reactions and feelings which could appear, fear is one of them, and more common at the beginning. It's going to pass, trust the process and trust yourself. Now, what would you like to do to fill that void? You can check the +60 hobbies sheet for inspiration, or come up with your own ideas. Your life is yours to take.

It's completely normal at the beginning. A mix of chemical imbalance mixed with the uncertainty of what to do with your new time. Be mindful of its temporary status, it helps. One day at a time! About the specific whats, you can check the +60 hobby ideas sheet or take back your old hobbies if you already have something in mind. Also, what about that job? Any plans?

Indeed, but it's not something you cannot redirect into your new life. That ability to grind and plainly be patient can be an amazing asset. Where else could you try to apply it? I think it's because games have trained us to be perpetual "fixers" rather than observers, enjoy the present moment and be satisfied. In games there's always something to do, some kind of conflict to keep us busy and therefore entertained. It's a balance between knowing where you want to go but still live in the moment, each moment.

You're doing a great job journaling @ChewyChickenBones, keep it up! The bad feelings and anxiety will pass. There's been times in my life where doing the right things instead of just being passive (even if I still didn't play) would make the perceived feelings worse and it would make me lose my shit completely, in anger and despair, so I know how hard it can be. Or it would feel like reacting to the world made everything in turn respond super violently towards me. More arguments, more incidents with people and things, etc. Everything of this, is just impressions. Same goes with that "passive-nice-helpful-repressed" persona you mention. It's not about suddenly snapping and "putting things (and people) in their place" here and now, if you catch my meaning. It's about learning to deal with your emotions, and the more you face them, the more you will learn to respond to them with action, and not just being passive, or aggressive. You're doing awesome at that, sharing your struggle and your moments of vulnerability, great job man.

Damn right you are. ------------------------------------------------------ Back in Spain, lots of plans. Bad day. My bf came to town for a little bit and offered to hang but I said I was tired. In hindsight, I don't feel that tired, so now I regret it. Not just not seeing him but let slip all the inertia from the trip. Also relapsed on PMO. Shit. But no panic. I can fix it. I will. Also, I left a review to my shared car driver praising him greatly but mentioning he ate and drank coffee while driving. I also mentioned he waited until we were alone in the road at reduced speed and that we didn't even mind him doing it, but he took it completely the wrong way. Went to WhatsApp and lashed out at me, calling me an hypocrite, freak, loner and so on. Trying to hurt my feelings and exploit any insecurities I might hold about being a videogame ex-addict after I had the trust of sharing my story with him. To be honest, I don't give a fuck about his opinion, and I'm so damn proud for it. Even if it feels super weird for me to have enemies. My only concern, if any, is about the way of connecting with people in general. On one hand we always hear in this community about how important is to be around authentic people you can feel bond with, and for me the ability to take constructive criticism head-on is essential. On the other hand, asking the same thing to complete strangers may be too much; I recognize that my own ability to take criticism (outwardly) is not common at all and stems from loads and loads of family-fired flak. I'll think about it, but no rush, it's more of a "practice makes perfect" thing. tl;dr: nah, just me bein' socially awkward, but no big deal

I can have nothing but respect for you mate, you were already doing great when I first arrived. Also you're a TV celebrity (?) Let's do our best, for sure!

There's a good reason aside my awesomeness: Portugal is a great place for surfing and chill. We should visit you next! About my meeting with Cam. His exterior calmness may appear unsettling, but there seems to be a conscious effort on his part to be so. Some kind of intentional management, though he would hate to call it like that. Always ready to pour his full focus on whatever he decides to do at any given moment, menial as may be, and let everything else pass him by. The more you stay around him, the more you notice just how much work and intention he had to put into reaching that state. He has a constant stare like he had just finished a workout, as if mildly tired but under control, in top notch of tranquil alert. A sentence he used full of meaning was "Do your thing" or rather, "Have your own experience", and his whole philosophy seems to rotate around this fact. He lets you be while constantly trying to feel and live his own experience which you and everyone else happen to share, in that specific moment, with him. Neither pushing you out nor pulling you in. In the world I know, any sign of "conscious" "detachment" is unfriendly. People of this world I know would say: "He's no true friend", "He is selfish" and so on. I say, being "granted" all this liberty is completely new and feels oppressing somehow. For every waking moment he sees an opportunity to feel alive, without compromises or mental gymnastics, I see instead a threat of fucking up, of being humiliated and therefore "rightfully" stripped of my right to enjoy such "calculated carefree" life. And they are many, many of those moments. It's exhausting to live in fear and regret, even of mistakes that have yet to happen or may never do. Exhausting and disheartening. In a few hours of being aware, I couldn't take it anymore. I spoke and enjoyed and tried to blend in a time too many, and decided to cut it short. I woke up the first morning in Peniche with the sore realization that I would "have" to be social and at my best again. Cam was nowhere to be seen. Again the usual morning fear. Did I oversleep? Metallic rattling could be heard from the other side of the door. What kinds of adventures and experiences would he and the other people be having while I was there, lying on the bed, wasting the only life I was randomly given? He would be working and making the world in his head come true while I was letting mine devour me. But it's not like I had something specific to do, right? There is not a single reason I could cite right off the bat to wake up in the mornings, aside from setting a more or less defined difference with when I'm sleeping. Has been my life really been so sad? Actually he was there sleeping all the time, and it wasn't even 9:00 am. When we finally got moving, and I said finally because I was torturing myself for hour and half while before he took less than 5 minutes to wake up, I began to walk around inside the hostel for a bit, lost. I was expecting a whole bunch of things to happen, I was expecting breakfast, I was expecting someone to speak up or speak with, I was expecting being asked or pushed or talked into following anyone or doing things by someone's, anyone's suggestion or directive. Cam on the other hand wasn't expecting anything, and if he was, made no commentary about it. He just stood there in silence, stretching and doing a morning workout as if he was alone in the woods. It's clear that he does everything doable in his power and ability at his own pace, unmolested by anything and anyone. Single-minded devotion to tasks always seemed to me almost robotic and creepy, and my opinion still hasn't changed. But what am I supposed to say, if the mere act of having an opinion with no practical (useful, positive) impact in the world is already a mistake according to the person I'm judging? After all what are the options? Risk to feel at the end of my life that focusing in certain areas has made me lose touch with others? Look a bit weird in the eyes of the fearful and the bitter, but still get things done? Sure, so dramatic, being judged by fools...! Or not focus in anything, live a long, safe-ish life of drifting away and semi-quiet desperation, not achieving anything at all and die anyway? To Hell if it looks or feels robotic or whatever! If it works. Even if my worthless impression was true (spoiler: it isn't). If it helps the goal or cause you've set your mind to. If it furthers your vision. Jesus, god damn it. It's as if someone projected a frontal opposite version of myself. Yet in that frontal opposition I can start to see the decreasingly subtle differences. The things I don't fancy, the things I would or prefer to do differently, not for them being wrong as a they are or how are done but for my enhanced, arbitrary, subjective enjoyment. Like things I personally want to do now, or in a while, or in the future. My life beyond an endless comparison with others. My earned independence. My own self. --------------------------- Surfing was amazing, though I didn't fell in love like Cam or all these people. Their tribe is warm and welcoming, I'm really grateful and might repeat the experience just fine, yet it's not 100% my tribe. But you know what I'm dying to take back? Sailing. I love the sea and I love the wind, and I discovered I find myself strangely comfortable inside a wetsuit, but in surf you have to do all the work yourself. Nah, I'd rather have a vessel, combine the two elements and be a catalyst of magic, rather than agent. If that makes sense. I shall explore the possibility. Socialising as I mentioned was super awkward at first, or as Cam and everyone else here would agree on, I felt it that way myself. But in just some hours it became way more smooth. Yo, I'm dealing with surfers here, no matter how I'd handled it, I'm literally on the top of the social scale of cool. My 10 year old self would call bullshit on me so fucking hard if I could somehow tell him. I also didn't spaghetti the fuck up when dealing with nourishment (or hygiene). I've been eating just fine I believe, even if my stomach is complaining and rebelling most of the time. -On a side note, keeping the heteronormative facade was a nuisance, but manageable. It's harder to do it without outright lying (aka, saying I'm dating a girl), I'd completely hate to do that.- So I guess here ends my chronicle of this trip, yet I might edit if something else comes to my mind. Next time I write, I'll be back in Spain.

Pssst. >https://gamequitters.com/podcast/ >All the rest

From my experience, there are few more liberating experiences than putting yourself in front of an audience, theatre, public speaking, stand-up comedy or spoken poetry, doesn't matter, whatever you like the most. It is scary, but the after sensations are simply amazing. 100% recommended. Almost a month two months, carry on!

Hm, not exactly dumb, that would be (the way I understand it) for those moments when you think "I shouldn't be doing this" and other ways of bullshiting yourself. I mean more like avoid overthinking like the plague.

You maybe miss the sense of purpose or having a mission. While we're quitting, we perfectly know the goal and what to do, 90 days, no game, etc. It's cristal clear, so you "only" have to follow through. Now life suddenly became more abstract, more vast. It was also like this during the detox but your mind was mainly focused on a single or a few tasks. Everything seemed more under your grasp. Under control, somehow, even if the task of quitting felt overwhelmingly huge at times. Maybe finding purpose in not doing is easier than in doing. Because when you resolve to quit something you know there are two options, keep doing it and be miserable or stop and get better. But the alternative of doing is not only not doing, but also doing something else, which could feel good or provide benefit as well. Then you need to have the strength to pick a thing and keep going beyond the initial enthusiasm into the habit. Maybe quitting alone is a "passive" mindset in which at the end of the day what you need to do is not taking action (the action of playing). Maybe building is harder than demolishing, no matter the (lack of) usefulness of the thing you're bringing down, right? About the chocolate and the mindless browsing, your concern is absolutely legitimate, and being aware of the problem is essential, but if you focus on things like "I shouldn't be weak like this" or "I shouldn't have done that" in the end you're focusing on the problem. Think about the solutions. What is the satisfaction that chocolate and YouTube brings to you, or the needs they cover? Can you find the same satisfaction in something else? Keep journaling, there are things that you seem to need to take off your chest, and you can always count on the community to give you a hand. Your train of thought can also be useful to someone else, and it's pleasant to read.

I agree, I also think life as a blank slate concept is meaningless by itself. Either everything has a purpose and we live in a deterministic universe or nothing does, and science has been leaning to the latter proposition. It can be scary as hell, but we also have the chance to imbue life with our own personal, abstract, arbitrary meaning. Not only as a coping mechanism, but to enhance the raw experiences we go through. Purpose makes priorities clearer: in a completely random and chaotic universe everything would have the same value and the lack of difference would make all things unappealing. I have struggled with this as well, and still do many times. So the best you can do is doing what you like for the satisfaction it gives you. If there's not a why, you can make it a why not.

Sometimes we feel stuck and think the best way would be to stop completely and somehow reset the whole machine. I've felt like that a lot of times and came to believe it's nothing but some kind of perfectionism, which in turn is a form of procrastination. Instead of trying to declutter and unblock the whole thing in one push, why not try focus on getting the next thought or action the straightest you can. Then the next, and so on. It will begin to create habit and when you realize you'll be already moving in the right direction. You might feel it takes longer this way, but pretending to stop and think is 90% of the times only to stop. Whatever you may think, you probably have it already in mind. Actions reinforce thoughts, more thoughts sometimes challenge the previous ones instead. Has nothing to do with resting of course, resting is a need but also must be done intentionally. You're doing great man! Reflect on the road and be kind to yourself. Things will go just fine.

Absolute truth mate. The best way to keep things in order is to clean up in the moment the small messes you make from daily use (instead of just getting by until you have a big task of cleaning in your hands). The times I did like this I could clearly see the difference. The house is nothing but a reflection of what's inside, same as the state of your body or the friends you keep. Clean outside makes better inside!

You literally mentioned the Devil. That shit is cocaine on steroids. Man, you're going to need a good bunch of new hobbies and activities to fill all that void of former mindless browsing. Check our +60 hobbies list (at the main page gamequitters.com). Good luck!

Fear of Missing Out (F.O.M.O). You may check the video about it in the YouTube channel (link later if I remember, if not just check it out ^^) Absolutely! It gets better with time. How about taking up a new hobby and using it specifically as a reward? Dreams about gaming are also usual and they also fade with time. Your subconscious needs to rewire as well! Have fun at the convention!

This is like the example of a journal entry well done. Super inspiring man.

Welcome to the community @Raven. The bad feelings will pass. It may sound like bullshit when you're struggling, wishful thinking or patronizing, whichever way your depressed brain wants to take it to justify not accepting the fact, and keep having control over you. Whatever happened is in the past now, what remains is a chemical imbalance. The future is a clean slate, even if you don't perceive it right now. You cannot decide how to feel in the moment but you can influence how you'll be feeling, through your actions. Carefully study what builds progress and makes you feel good (or even "less bad") and do it consistently. I was heavily depressed at several points of my life, including when I first quit gaming. Went to docs, took meds, all the ride. No magical solution, it gets better with time and learning to let go of what's holding you back. And I'm not a special case, many people in this community had similar experiences as well, so you're not alone, no matter how you feel or how your mind wants to twist it, you're simply not alone in this. Matter-of-factly, no patronizing or drama, plain truth. Try your best to remember it. Keep journaling, keep fighting, and I wish you the absolute best!

Don't give up @giblets, the bad feelings will pass while you take the right actions. You can do it!

You took the first step and that is amazing. Comfort can be much worse than outright tragedy. Reaching the lowest point can actually be an enlightening experience and a pretty straightforward starting point to turn your life around. The majority of people with issues are not begging in the streets, by far, right? They are instead getting by each day with jobs the don't want, stuck in situations they hate, day after day after day. Suddenly you wake up one morning and oh crap, I'm 30 now. You could take a victim role and think "Oh man I'm so fucking old I mean look at this mess of life I have", and it would be a "natural", spontaneous human reaction. Some part of your mind is probably thinking that. But the main part of your mind did the right work, you decided to stop and actually think about where you are, where do you really want to be and what can you do to reach it. And that is also amazing. Don't stop doing it man. Being mindful about your current situation is half the battle. Being intentional about the actions you take and go at them at full steam is the other half. What actions can you take, from your starting point, right now, to begin to bring change to this situation in which you are? From experience I can tell you, the first two things you should start doing right now are, in this order, getting rid or raise a physical barrier between you and games (so you don't just have the PS4 in front of you anymore like it's a perfectly valid option) and think of activities to fill the space videogames are currently taking up in your life, either professionally-oriented, leisure-oriented, or ideally both. I welcome you to the community and wish you strength. You can do anything!