Hitaru

Getting closer to that month!

Welcome back! Shit layers, love the concept. Like, the more you add the more cohesive the shit barrier is, but at the same time it poisons the core more and more, and faster. Being vulnerable hurts, but you always come out better for it. Start working that core, man!

Welcome back! If you can play in moderation, or do anything in your life in general, but you feel it takes too much effort for the benefit it provides, there's no shame in changing to a more "simple" approach. For example, I never had an issue gaming multiplayer, but I'm fully aware that would trigger me towards playing alone, so I don't. It's not 'radical', but 'efficient'. Do what works (best).

I wrote something almost identical to this when I began my journal almost two years ago: so yeah, we're absolutely on the same page on how crappy this makes/made us feel. Thanks man, I feel really understood right now. Sure, I'll play. Let's see... Positive things that happened since November 27, 2016 January 1st, 2017 1. Learned to organize travels by myself. 2. Spent a month in Algeria and saw the desert, a lifelong dream. 3. Had my first proper "job" interview (it was for a volunteer position but was all the serious that you can expect). 4. Did paperwork concerning other people's money I was entrusted with for the first time without the world ending. 5. Translated a bit of Game Quitters content, and tried my hardest to organize a translation team. 6. Faced the existential anxiety that produced me being outside. 7. Went through the Beyond program (and met @Mhyrion, who has become a sibling figure/kindred spirit to me) 8. Started going to the gym on my own. 9. Started studying for the Armed Forces by my own free will. 10. Purchased books that I wanted for the first time (books make me really anxious) 11. Made a conscientious self-study on my moods and discovered I'm statistically much happier than I'm normally aware of. 12. Began moderating the forum and did an acceptable job. 13. An über breakthrough in my love life: stepped out of the closet, put myself in the open for girls for the first time since +2 years ago and for boys for the first time ever, met my SO, commited to be 100% honest and involved in actually getting to know him without expectations or hidden agenda, and reaped crazy results. (As a side note, confirmed my suspicions that I'm actually quite popular among men, and the main reason they don't hit on me that usually is because I pass as straight - and I'm also not involved with the scene, for no particular reason other than shy self-consciousness) 13/1. Learned and practiced a lot of lewd intimate stuff. 14. As a conclusion of 13 and 13/1, fell in love also for the first time and began developing awareness and knowledge about the way my romantic and sexual feelings work, despite facing my sexuality honestly being one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. More than jumping through cliff breaches while hiking in Algeria. 15. A micro-poem of erotic poetry in a contest got published for the first time. 16. Made serious preparations and commitment to leave home. 17. Participated in a Holy Week parade, and sorted out my relationship with God. 18. Traveled to the Greek islands for another youth exchange about grave social issues. 19. Learnt to socialize confidently and aggressively IRL without known friend's support instead of staying in a corner. 20. Reached my current record in NoFap: around 15 days. 21. Launched a freelancer account. 22. Successfully went through a 90 days No Mindless Browsing / No Distractions detox. Blocked from my computer many harmful things (currently more than 560 items and a dozen apps). 23. Passed a Cambridge Advanced Level exam (C1 level for Europe, a skill of C2 recognized in the certificate) 24. Attended a Lifehack Bootcamp workshop and recorded myself in video for the first time. 25. Mastered (or rather found out I have a natural talent in) how to make mind maps to summarize ridiculously complex self-doubt/sabotage processes. 26. Bought an electric razor online (also learned how to buy things online this year) and it was arguably the most beneficial decision in comparative terms I've ever made. God I just fucking love how well does that razor work. 27. Bitched about how much I like politics to be a part of my life and finally came to terms with it. 28. Fixed my conflicted relationship with a childhood friend. 29. Checked on a place called Location Rebel, which I think and hope will be a really useful tool in the future. 30. Went to a concert of an artist I love which was on my bucket list for a long time. 31. Apologized to a girl I was sexually obsessed with and worked like a charm to get rid of the unhealthy feelings. 32. Began journaling in Spanish, and launched the Game Quitters in Spanish initiative. 33. Got my shit together and went to an exam that I absolutely hated. 34. Made two good friends and they even threw an improvised b-day party for me, with presents and all. First time too. 35. Went through all the proceedings to apply to the Armed Forces instead of just giving up. 36. Traveled to Portugal, learned to enjoy things as they come and surfed. 37. Met Cam. 38. Became Community Manager 39. Learned basic CM skills 40. Trained enough to get close to my ideal weight and become healthy (and more handsome, I must add). 41. Tried sailing again. 42. Wrote a case study. 43. Met inspiring people in NoFap forums whom I talk with regularly. 44. Several old friends came back to my life, cut ties with other who weren't making an effort. 45. Began replying to other people journals, something I wanted to do consistently since I arrived. 46. The first regular spanish speaking member of the community, @Jay V says he's doing amazing lately, and he has his space in the forum thanks to my initiative of including a non-english section. About to happen: A third reimbursed youth exchange to Serbia and a travel with my SO to Netherlands in Christmas week. This is a rough draft, I crossed items of 2016 because my impression is I began losing steam of my recovery after I came back from Algeria. Now I should compare it with bad things that happened and unfulfilled promises I made, but checking on the past entries they are more or less few, the balance is still what it is. Positive? Then why do I feel like it wasn't that much of a deal? Some of the things of the list I even forgot about them. Thank goodness I journal. Now I'm really tired, I didn't get sleep today, woke up very early, and still need to write an article for Cam (ironically about resiliency in children, which is exactly my current situation (?)). I'll come back to this later.

It's been a while, how have you been?

Welcome and well said! I hope you had an amazing first week.

It does. As the guy with the banhammer I see nothing wrong with it. @Cam Adair's opinion may vary but honestly I don't think so.

30 more minutes of Wife Time than Son Time. Hm. Hm.

I tried my 90% best, but failed. My cardio ended up betraying me, it was very unpleasant to find out I had been training it sub-par (this is what I think, the coach argues that I was ready). No problem with the rest though, which to be fair is an awesome result in one month. But still a failure. Now, the implications. I feel I'm back to square one of being a high-school dropout NEET, which means this "Year 1 of No Games" was completely for nothing. In what matters most to me at least, that is having a job/purpose/direction, the rest can go to hell no, really, but everything in my life feels like enjoyable but secondary complements subordinated to the fact of earning my own bread and the fact of not being doing it. I'm aware it's a very unhealthy approach and I've considered already why I'm so single-mindedly obsessed with having an income; there are complicated issues with my sense of identity involved. The usual. I'll keep this in mind but overall is a distracting and derailing thought. I can keep trying this or try something else, and both things will be hard as fuck, economically and psychologically. I don't need reassurance, in fact please refrain. I need results, and I need them with extreme urgency. I'm not in the mood for long talks, as to be expected, but I'm confident I'll be able to turn all this turmoil of feelings into determination. It will greatly sour my character tho, even if improves me. There's also the issue of being constantly trying to sabotage myself.

Welcome! There's solid science on the positive impact of games. And there's solid science with more studies in the works on the negative impact of excessive gaming, or video game addiction. Video games are a tool in the end. You may start by asking yourself why do you play. Is it because you're bored and with nothing else to do, is it to forget about the stress of real daily life, is it to cope with your depression and negative feelings? You may find your answer and elaborate a solution or you may try quitting for an undefined amount of time (it's proven that 90 days or more is the ideal, but to get a first reference you can start by a week or two), then observe how are you feel and what is pulling you back into games, if that pull exists. If you ask me and the majority of this community, you should do both things at the same time.

Thanks @Mhyrion <3 @Megaman @Regular Robert Yeah, I'm positive one of my biggest limiting beliefs was the fear of openly acknowledging the fact that I was born smart by complete chance. I didn't want to come across as arrogant, so I hid myself. In the meantime, "idiots" do everything in this crazy world, only because they dare, they try and they walk the walk. So what? My gig is being smart, other people have their own thing. There are supermodels and people who enchant with their words, there are strong and agile people, there are tough and resilient ones, my thing is being smart. Nothing wrong or shameful with that. Just what it is. As you say, the game truly feels lost beforehand and everyday is a struggle to ignore the elephant in the room. I'm not sure how I will change this to something 'positive', death is death and has very little to "work" with. But I won't give up. Have I any other alternative, hah. Tests tomorrow morning. Everything's on the plate now. Let's see what happens.

Welcome! About to reach a week, how does it feel? How about doing that photography course on a physical place or academy? You could still check the internet for reference and expanded material but looking for real world experiences could help you to go outside and meet people with shared interests. To be honest, right now the less time you spend in front of a screen, the better: you may find a lot of reasons to justify playing as entertainment, time filler or reward, and the devices would be right there. Or is it just me?

Take care! Don't worry about what happens, for it will happen anyway. Always have a plan and an optimistic approach. You're doing great man, almost two months!

Germans and their love to assimilate other cultures. Way to go sis!

How have you been?

So much truth @WorkInProgress friend. After a last binge I got my shit together and blocked all the new bunch of distractions with Cold Turkey. Worked out and did my best in my shitty state of no sleeping and eating, and then took special care of post-training dinner. I'm expecting the call tomorrow morning, so I'll make sure to be rested and nourished. Even if the call is to deflect me to another call/date, it's essential to be in top shape at all times. Readiness! That's the word they would say. Also, Cam brought me some good news regarding stuffity stuff and my mood has improved sensibly. I feel better now. As a side note, I feel specially proud for this streak of going to the gym, regardless of having a specific goal or not. The important thing is now and now I'm rocking it.

Of course she's not. Man, it's winter, you're from Eastern Europe, driving without license, it's just your cultural background don't be so hard on yourself. Seriously now, take care Rem! Shit happens. You can either be angry and not go near a car forever or prove that fucking box with wheels who's boss.

Staying awake late got me thinking - do I stay late because I feel lost or I feel lost because I stay late? I still can't find my, or "the", 'spark'. I have friends, a boyfriend, plenty of time to spare. And if things go as planned, I'll be in 4 different countries this year (1 more than last year), and maybe get a job in something I'm not exactly talented at (so the merit is higher). Two jobs actually, since community managing is also one. For which I went alone to Portugal, met a person I consider essential in saving my life and turning it around, and didn't have to beg to "be someone" or have a position to stroke my ego with, didn't even have to think about asking for responsibility. I just wanted to do stuff, in general; he gave me stuff to do, that I'm still in process of learning to handle. Simply that. I have a nice family, despite our issues expressing healthy affection. I'm healthy. The culture I live in is laid back and kind. I have everything I could ask for given the circumstances. Life is good. Looking back the 31st of December the overall result will be very positive, considering two years ago I was thinking of suicide. Written like this in summary, everything looks good. But the daily, normal, average day is dull. And the prospect of the future is... I have a few friends (life in general made the numbers thinner, but I should have acted on it and made more, my social life is my responsibility) - yet I almost feel like I don't want to see them. I barely go out or talk (message) to them. I don't have hobbies since mindless browsing, PMO and watching bad (and often repeated) TV can barely qualify as hobbies - and again the problem is not the lack of activities but the lack of drive to pursue them. My relationship is great - but in this mid-distance state feels like a 15 year marriage: stable and loving, but... Today I had a cold and the temptation to skip training, and immediately felt a craving for a silly game in which you have to raise a daughter (very old stuff, I stumbled across it and downloaded like you buy a rare and emotionally valuable trinket from the past without having what the hell to do with it. Now I see it's dangerous, great.) Being aware of this, I "reprimanded" myself by going to the training regardless, ignoring the PC, and it was quite good: had I done the tests today, I would have aced them 100% for the first time. I left really satisfied. For doing good in the training and specially for going, consciously acting against my impulses. Which is not a common thing to happen. My "success" doesn't come from me having a lot of willpower, but being ruthless in setting barriers, which is not the same as boundaries. It was a success but still felt like a punishment in some way. I only have eyes for getting that position in the Armed Forces and then Uni, and "get back on track". It's like I focused myself towards becoming 'normal' and only then I would allow myself any kind of secondary joy, usually in the form of new tasks to complete my normalcy even if they were hobbies or friends, I'd imbue them that redeeming purpose. It reeks of the aftertaste of the theatre school fiasco. It smells like failure. I will collapse and return home, and avoid my commitment of writing here, and relapse. It's going that way. I can feel it. It happened a bunch of times already. This is not how people like Cam do things, and I'm not trying to copy, but I'm not blind either. I saw him. He and the people he hangs with try their hardest to do something empowering, something inspiring, something fun every single day. It may be a conversation. It may be go surfing. It may be finding a beautiful stone in the sand, I don't know. It's also in the enhanced value they give to small, apparently inconsequential things: they live their lives closer to the fullest because there's only this much you can grasp the human experience and the fool-proof way to expand your limits is by "lowering" the bar with pride and a generous spirit. But for that you still have to do things. What Cam and Co. do with their lives is a side thought. What I'm trying to say is... I fear I'm isolating myself. There must be something I can do, something to cheer me up. Am I depressed? Normally when I felt like this things were going fairly bad. But now things are going fairly good. I feel this is nothing but a foul game in which I mess up everything until I realize I'm not suited to live, and then I will die regardless, full of misery and regret, as if that was the only way. I'm dying anyway, no? I've already lost, now the only thing for me is keep losing. I'm a failure, it just needs to keep happening and repeat itself until I accept the fact. This poisonous thought is not camouflaged between other thoughts and brain mist, for the first time it's in plain view and separated from the rest, like a tumor. I wish I could extend my hands and tear it off like black-colored weed.

I asked myself those questions as well. To be fair with you, you won't find a "place" and stay there forever, like a class in an RPG. Things like "Who am I?", "What should I be doing with my life?", "Where do I belong?", you won't be answering them tomorrow or next week while waiting in your bed. I tried! When I quit I didn't consider time. I only knew I had to stop right now and then, to break the routine and give me empty space to face those demons. Video games (and porn, and mindless browsing, etc) were numbing my mind and I literally couldn't think. I realized I was in that state on purpose. If you know Nietzsche, I took a break from the addiction circle to stop and stare at the void. It was a mess, really, but it worked. I think you need your space, to clear up your mind by doing nothing in particular, just stay away for a while from the things you use to escape and see what happens. And stuff happens. Trust me. I mean, you could stay in your bed at your mother's place and wait until one of the two dies, and this is not dialectic gymnastics to convince you of anything. You've been doing that, waiting and looking somewhere else as if life had nothing to do with you. You could do that today. And tomorrow. And who knows for how long. And you could be moderately entertained and comfortable. But the thing is, is this what you really want to do with your life? Not what you should be doing or are entitled to do, or the place you deserve, or the only place left because you can't do anything else, all of that is in your head. I mean what you want. Think of what you want. And if nothing comes, think of what you don't want, and start from there.

As our good @hycniejsy would say: mischief managed! The appeal was successful. Now back to the physical tests. They'll call me, but I'm ready. This is rolling. Not sure how to feel, but that's just me being afraid to commit. It will be fine! My my, it's the closest I've been to having a job. Unconventional as it is.

Waiting for meaningful days is one of the oldest known forms of procrastination Think of New Year's Resolutions. You're in October and think "Oh I'll just wait till next year and start clean", then next year arrives, you give it a try and fail on January 6. Now what? Exactly. I joined the community a 30th of November and quit games a 28th of July. Completely meaningless days in the spanish cultural context, not even beginning of the week I think. They were just the respective days I said "Enough". The same as you can give meaning to any action, you can give it to any time.

@stablish What's the difference between the star and the circle at the left of the Topic titles?

Not sure, since the server was changed to another... thing, maybe the quotes work better in this... thing. There was certainly the work of our glorious programmers involved of course. I'm a programming potato so my knowledge on this is very limited. Awesome to hear about the meeting, I'm sure it was tons of fun. And don't worry about your running man, bad flukes happen now and then. You're a two-legged beast man!

@Regular Robert Yep I noticed that. So what I did is to make a generic estimate. Game Quitters is Very Productive. Mail is Distracting, but not Very Distracting, since I can read an useful mail from time to time, but overall I don't. I have my project in Facebook, Game Quitters in Spanish, and if I truly devoted it a veritable amount of time I'd have to reconsider my view on Facebook, but being real with myself I currently use it mostly for mindless browse, so there you go Very Distracting. I also set checking Rescue Time as Distracting (or Neutral, but neutral time is not productive time ). It's not the word of God, but a fancy tool nonetheless.

11 days!