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Day 5 and 6 behind - excited to begin seeing a significant continuity here. Right now, with all that's going on around the world (and US in particular), it's been light and easy, keeping myself away from escapist tactics. Yes, I am stressed, but because of how different the source and quality of stress is, I'm dealing with it differently. Simultaneously, I'm continuing to create habits that foster my spirituality. Crucially, however, I am still not working towards my passions. And I want to, dearly.

Haha now that you bring the construct normalcy into the picture, I realize that I came out (in a bunch of different ways, not just queerness) once I quit, even while so many people I knew continued gaming. It was so liberating to feel different!

Same here, that helped tremendously! So glad to see you change in ways profound, richter! Let's keep moving ❤️

Hey, almost a month has passed and I haven't even started. Nothing has changed. And I changed my attitude... again. I'm quitting watching and reading various motivational stories, what I should do and how I should do it. I'm stopping listening to other people and starting to listen to myself. I used to be very nice, but it's a flaw that causes more harm than good. It's better to be nice only when necessary. I don't have any rules yet; there are just three states - better than yesterday, the same as yesterday, and worse than yesterday. The first sentence is positive, the second - if it follows a better day, it's good; if it follows a worse day, it's bad, and the third is the worst. If there's something to do, I do it; I try my best, but if it doesn't work out, I won't get down if I tried. It's better than doing nothing or doing something half-heartedly. And yea, tomorrow is the first day, nothing will stop me anymore.

April 26 (Friday) Gratitude: ~ restful sleep, but decided at 4am not to use my 6am alarm to get up for a day out (my cold might still be able to transmit) ~ ^ said cold is getting better, I think ~ I got everything I'm 'working' on sort of arranged on my table + desk ~ remembered to come here after some cravings and job applications __________________ As I've noticed, feeling naturally high made me want to play and chat with people on the RPG, but I know that only lasts like 20-30 minutes to an hour if I'm lucky, before slaving away at it for some coveted pixels. The ratio of discomfort/agitation/obsession to real pleasure is like 9 to 1. Not quite worth it, hey? It was a real journey today, starting out combing the job sites in the morning-afternoon for a few hours; going from 'there's nowhere I really want to be' to 'I could do and enjoy that, with some learning and effort, tbh'. I haven't gone visiting with a physical resume as I planned this week because of my cold, but I got some more leisurely reading in last night. I appreciated being allowed to do that and having the world outside plus the world inside is an incredible privilege. I'm trying not to waste it. Good luck this weekend all, ~ Matt

Nice work man! I had given away my actual accounts when I started a new major medication in 2017, and was off of the games for 2 years, but that was because of natural adjustment to the meds. I might do a giveaway soon enough in the company of friends, because doing it alone might make me want to get it all back for 'fun'. Congrats again!

Entry 25.04 (Written on 26.04) Day 574: No Useless Videos Day 572: Sticking to Food schedule Day 176: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 166: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -Prepared dinner for next day as have been planning for a few days already 🙂 -Woke up at 4 30 and did a workout in order to make it to pick up my replacement bike from the store where they agreed to store it -Quite concentrated at job -At least 6 Pomodoro 1 Thing I could do better -Having planned for shower in the morning too, s that I wouldn't have to do only 1 pomodoro if I wanted to make it on time for the gym job

Two ,ore hacatons won, one job offer lost and two competitions lost i am here again)

Day 156 I'm sorry for the long pauses inbetween posts but I feel that there is less to post about once I got through the early 'withdrawal' phase. I'm still game-free, running, eating healthier, gardening, and I added lifting weights to the mix 🤩 I try to run/lift 2 times each a week. I also aim for 10k steps a day. It does good things for my mental well-being, to be honest! Cravings are still present at times. It's a good thing I gave away all my good in-game items/currency to friends, because I think I might have relapsed if it wasn't for that. The pursuit of an ADHD diagnosis made me feel weird for a while. The psychologist was asking about autism traits too. I think it messed with my head in the identity sense of things. It took a couple weeks to feel more like myself again, and I've become ambivalent about the ADHD diagnosis and meds. I still have time to decide whether I want to do the tests or not. Anyway, still no plans to ever start gaming again. So the next time I post, the number should be higher! 😁 Cheers!

Welcome and good luck, Joshua!

Entry 24.04 (Written on 25.04) Day 573: No Useless Videos Day 571: Sticking to Food schedule Day 175: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 165: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. - Made it to the bike store at 17 48 as i promised to the guy in the store still within the timeframe of the same day, even though apparently it was closed early because of the holidays. -Having quickly accepted being fired, because it is not under my control and continued to my daily tasks, a little uncertainty may even be helpful. What are my next actions will really determine what kind of person I am, by gones be by gones -At least 6 Pomodoro 1 Thing I could do better -Having checked with the bike store about their opening hours beforehand, not assumed they work regularly as the gym i work in does

April 25 (morning) I dreamt about everything last night; gaming, life, relationships - the lot, I'm pretty sure. But for some reason, I dreamt that I was watching someone else's in-game experience (I haven't done that with any real interest since 2018), which went sort of like my own early this year, except they got luckier 'loot'. Luckier in the official game - I tried both the official and the copycat version for a small amount of fun times, and got lucky at both, but the particular 'item' was a monster's head, 'used' for various purposes. Both while I was dreaming, and when I'd finished my morning routine, I think, I realised how the luck I appreciated on the copycat game was very fleeting, even when congratulated in the global chat. On the official game, there was appreciation, but with the five-to-tenfold 'dedication' it takes to achieve there, it probably only inspired obsession. My former gaming buddy (on the same copycat server, funnily enough) said that the copycat might offer a scratch to various itches, but that the official was ultimately a 'life suck'. I appreciate the second part a bit more now, - even if it's really difficult for us to get along as regular friends - because before I called 'time' on that game about 2 weeks ago, I was trying to plan everything in my day around 2 or 3 'golden hours' of frantically-clicking 'grinding'. The ultimate level goal wasn't even that worthwhile; the rationale was 'so I could do that if I wanted to.' As I kind of realised, all the clicking, typing and screen rotating (around a single avatar, of course) has been a part of my awareness for so long. Sure, I could try and see hyper-vigilance as a strength, an asset, but does it ultimately result in mine and others' greater safety, especially if it's going to somehow fade out of my life? We'll see. ________________ Gratitude: ~ good sleep, both nights ~ the cold-thing I've caught is definitely something, but I haven't suffered too much so far ~ a public holiday for the masses! - maybe a more relaxed environment to go out in ~ the warmer-material bedsheets my dad brought over last year, ready for the full season Peace, ~ Matt

Day 8/14 Fine day, got a lotta stuff done, pretty tired now.

Day 4 and 5 behind- excited to keep moving (on). Urges more significant today- I am a bit exhausted, and yet am not providing myself space of rest. I will continue to build the free world I want to live in. I can't stop, I don't want to escape and distract (again). If not now, when?

Entry 23.04 (Written on 24.04) Day 572: No Useless Videos Day 570: Sticking to Food schedule Day 174: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 164: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -having planned the next day with its specialties (Getting bike once again to shop for a preventive overall check. Yes I brought it twice already and both times they didn't manage to do an overall check yeta and it will need to be done again 🙂 -about 3.5 hrs of deliveries followed by a 1+ hour workout -8 pomodoros (Even though I planned 12 but every pomodoro is a "well" thing 🙂 ) 1 Thing I could do better -For a long time I'm dozing off after dinner, I think doing the same with dinner as i do with lunch could help. Soak olive oil with the other ingredients a day in advance, maybe it will help the body absorb the meal and result in less sleepiness.

Day 7/14 Got a lot done today with uni work, but also set time aside to just relax and do what I want, which was much needed. I realized today that I've become static in some aspects of life, where I have much potential to grow. Want to get a bit better everyday. Feeling improvement and progress is a great motivator to improve even more and enjoy more things in life.

I don't believe I have looked into that workbook. It's tough, I've been so overwhelmed that I feel like I'm too exhausted to even process my issues any further than putting a label on my problems. "Putting a label" might seem like a reductionist way of describing my struggles but I have actually put thought into what my problems are and even some solutions, but I just can't bring myself to execute those things. I've been a mess for a while and it takes a lot for me to push for change. I appreciate your support in my time of turmoil.

Day #115 I've been having a lot of negative thoughts, and they've been haunting me during the final stretch of this semester. Lots of impostor syndrome and wondering if I'm ever going to become a professional artist. I'm actively watching myself fall into defeatist attitudes and visualizing myself not making it. Obviously, the #1 thing that matters is whether or not I'm happy, but I'm sad that I'm not able to maintain a level of discipline to take small steps to reach my goals. I quit video games so I could focus on my studies and my growth as an artist, but I've been stuck on step 1 forever now. I need to buckle down and figure out what my next step is and force myself through my mental paralysis. Yeah, I've been really unhappy lately. It's SUUUUUCKS. Didn't get a lot of work done today. I actually just remembered that I did sketch earlier. I finally did it after a long period of time, so I guess that's a small victory. Not even... as I'm typing this I'm realizing that it's actually a bigger achievement than I'm making it out to be, I'm glad I did some drawing today. My brain just REALLY hates me lately, that's all. What I'm thankful for: The faculty of my intense art program granting me a chance to have a future in the upper division art classes. Goals for Day #116: Work on comps for final digital painting More progress on animation final; shoot video reference

After learning more about hobbies and doing a relapse, I've learned something that'll help me with my journey. 1. All the games a person plays, no matter what, will eventually become worthless as the progress of the game is bound by a developer who will eventually move on. With this knowledge, I now know that if I want to do something that'll give value to me for a long time, I'll have to make something instead of using things others have made. 2. I can reduce the amount of hours I play video games to 1-2 hours whilst still being with friends and if a game I'm playing has no friends or doesn't really have anything that I truly like about the game, it's best to simply not play at all and use my time doing other things. 3. If a game is played not to progress but instead for fun, you start to see how a game keeps people attached as people keep playing to search for that fun, that happiness. Once you see that games keep you busy instead of giving you true entertainment, that time is better spent being busy with things that are actually important. Though I relapsed, these things I've learned will help me in understanding myself and my next attempt. Up next, making a schedule and learning how to utilize it whilst learning new hobbies. round 2 here we go.

Food Schedule Update (24.4 - 8.5) Generally the same, the only change is that today I'll eat like on Friday and Saturday, because on Sunday I rode the bike like on Friday Saturday and I want to replace the calories. If something like this happens again(6+ hrs ride), I reserve myself the right to eat as on Friday Saturday the day after to replace he lost calories Later update same day - If I run out of peanut butter on a friday-saturday may replace it one for one with tahini 1 More edit for clarification same day - once new pnb stock arrives, things go back to their order of course 🙂

April 23 (midday) There are a lot of old circuits for me 'upstairs'. One of them is gaming when I want to further celebrate a positive event/emotion. I'm sure I've typed it here once before, but excluding my 5-month detox last year, I got back on the gaming after one of my best friends' engagement party/actual wedding (I can't recall, even more sadly) at the end of 2019. Today was little different, with the addition of whichever kind of cold/flu I've picked up (an excuse for being inside or inactive) and the elation of collecting a birthday present from my mom at the post office, and discovering what it was. However, I know that even if I'm beating an addiction to the game I've played solely for 10 years, there still might be a mental addiction to 'grinding', be that repetitive clicking or even style of work. One of the only redemptions of my RPG was 'motivating' me to get up early and keep track of time (points gained per hour). Before that, I remember being woken up for school finally with splash of water to the face - I didn't mind that so much as the feeling that a family member felt that would be the best way to get me going. 😅 Regarding what @Pochatok shared last post, I did operate for about 1 year under similar self-guidance, but was at odds with my family for how hard I was pushing. I was 16, and didn't much like what I saw in the mirror or in the eyes of others. Come my 20th/21st, that was sort of what landed me in a hospital. ________________ Gratitude: ~ more very decent weather ~ the 2L actual drink bottle I received via post ~ a spark of creativity last night to come up with/plan some short stories ~ the curse/blessing of the internet Peace, ~ Matt

Entry 22.04 (Written on 23.04) Day 571: No Useless Videos Day 569: Sticking to Food schedule Day 173: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 163: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did right, no matter how small. -6 pomodoros, I've already had days of 4 only... So this is better 🙂 -Completing workout main set at the gym within timeframe before it closed -Even though I was thinking I'll change schedule yesterday because i did 6.5 more hours on the bike two days ago so I wanted to load up on calories - after discovering it has been one day short of food schedule end I decided to remain with planned food schedule and only change it the next day 1 Thing I could do better -Write measuring myself at inbody machine(muscle mass, body fat percentage etc.) in schedule, it doesn't work writing it as a daily goal, it seems not to happen yet again

Day 6/14 Got a lot of stuff going on at the moment. Holiday planning, uni projects, various arrangements, and so on. But goes pretty well overall. A few urges.

imo, there is nothing you have but the present moment- every time an action is delayed (be it quitting your job cuz you don't like it (not to self-project, lol)), it is essentially erased from existence. the less I've been taking future- not just a month from now, but simply tomorrow, the very next hour -for granted, the more I've found myself working w/ my values and dreams. also, i recommend this video essay on purpose/reason for doing things. it has helped me tremendously.

Hey, have you encountered the "mindful self-compassion workbook"? has helped me tremendously in the 'being hard on yourself' issue. perhaps, what you're struggling w/ isn't reaching expectations, but setting them realistically. do you have an in-depth understanding of your circumstances, of your struggles, of your pains? how do your expectations take that into account? different things are hard for different people- don't beat yourself up for the universal human experience of struggling ❤️