"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

Super Saiyan Journal

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Posted

I don't know what I want. I can't decide what I want. What do I want my life to be? What foundation do I want to build it on?

I'm in a recovery program (this one), and first I have to decide what I want. I already have a vision (though I'm beginning to doubt it a bit, I'd like maybe some more creative output instead of just learning stuff), but now I have to decide which values I want to build my life upon. Like, primary areas from which I'm going to derive fulfillment. And I can't decide.

What is important? What brings meaning? Discipline, health, focusing on goals - these I understand. Good grades or just feeling smart - this one seems a bit unstable. But I like being better then others. I can't help it. Maybe the thing is, that this one is about immediate gratification. I'd also like to have friendships and love, but it's hard to build fulfillment on things I've never had in my life. I have no idea how to get them. Family - this one seems a little easier to enhance, it would just require some courage.

Basicaly, I'd like to create something. I'd like to do something interesting. I'd like to do something exciting, something that will make me feel good. I don't know.

23 days and counting. Constant anti-streak with porn, and a relapse with junk food.

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Posted

One more thing. Yesterday I had this thought, sort of rediscovered it after a while, when I haven't had it.

Basicaly, the thought is this: It's the middle of the night. What can I do now? If there are any problems, can I do something about them in the middle of the night? If I'm feeling terrible, do I have to continue those bad thoughts in the middle of the night? How is that gonna help me? The only sensible thing to do in the middle of the night is: rest. Enjoy the night. Enjoy the darkness, the peace, the warm, soft bed. Time for problems will come later. Now is the time to relax and go to sleep.

I forgot that thought. It used to help me so much, but suddenly I just forgot it. It helped me get better sleep, it helped me clear the head and get rid of the stress. It helped me enjoy life. It's much like the gratitue exercise that Cam is advocating for. Althought I find that this one suits me a bit more. I'm glad I remembered it, it's gonna help me a lot, now that I feel a bit lost in my addiction/recovery thing.

I wonder how many people read this. Maybe I should start a video journal? That would maybe be a bit better for the creativity. And only a bit worse for the anonymity. Maybe I should tell my parents about my problems first, as the stupid social media might somehow show it to them.

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Posted

One technique for dealing with problem thoughts in the middle of the night is to write it down.  The idea is that once it's written down it is somewhat psychologically external.  Then you can go back to sleep knowing you can deal with it in the morning.

Maybe that would help you, maybe not.  But either way it often pays to experiment to see what works best for yourself.

 

As for doing videos, if you don't show your face you would still remain mostly anonymous.  What I've been doing for my thread is recording my voice on Audacity (it's free) and then using Windows Movie Maker to add a picture of my website logo and add the Audacity recording.  Finally I upload it to Youtube and if it's for this forum I usually set the privacy to unlisted (makes it sort of exclusive to this forum).  I record voice only mainly for the reason that it's much easier to edit audio than video.  Not so much for privacy reasons.

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Posted

30 days.

Semester started. Finally got more things to do.

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Posted

Woot! Congrats on 30 days! :D

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Posted

I feel like I have gaming under control now. It's time for porn.

This is what's keeping me from living an awesome life. I have everything else, a vision, a plan, but porn keeps luring me for hours and keeping me down.

I've found a large forum for porn addicts, hopefully it's gonna be better than the nofap shit. Hopefully journaling there will help me kickstart the abstinence, just like it helped me with gaming to write here.

I'm still gonna be posting here every few days or so, but the other journal is gonna take more priority.

5 weeks.

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Posted

Great job man! The key is to keep taking positive steps forward, and you're doing just that. :)

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Posted

Thanks Cam. I wish there was someone like you on the other forum.

The next survey is here, I'm gonna fill it out right away.

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Posted

The next survey is here, I'm gonna fill it out right away.

Appreciate it! :)

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Posted

No problem bro.

Suddenly it turns out I have no classes today. It would be only 1,5 hours, but that works as a kind of center point of my day, with the preparations and the commuting. I guess I'll spend the day reading.

It's interesting that the first thought that pops into my head at a situation like this is "I can game all day". But I'm at a point where I so much don't wanna do this, that it's not really a problem. It's more of a drive to do more meaningful things.

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Posted

I just looked at my spreadsheet where I mark days green or red based on various activities and it appears this February has by far been the best month of my life. Except the time when I went to Texas. Anyway, more than half the cells are green, and all gaming ones are green. Wish I could show it here, but I have no way of taking a picture right now.

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Posted

Woot! :D

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Posted

I gamed Tuesday through Friday. I went 49 days. I started writing a huge journal entry on that, but I don't think I'm gonna finish it.

It was completely unsatisfactory until I found a game that let me lose myself. Then it got boring and I got another one, which was so frustrating and I felt this compulsion to win even though it was terrible. So I quit.

I learned a lot. To summarize it: my life wasn't improving at all just because of the no gaming. When I finally quit last time, I had a perfect week. Lots of studying, clean room, training, stretching. Then one thing at a time I started to let go until I've been doing nothing but watching TV and fantasizing about games (reading DnD handbooks for example). The worst thing of course was porn, which I couldn't stop, then junk food, which I also couldn't stop. At the end, I decided not go go to classes, and as I had 5 free days after that, I chose to game.

I felt shame, I wouldn't come here, to facebook, to reddit, wouldn't check email, because I didn't want to see the support groups and the real life. But the first two days I didn't feel too terrible compulsion, only later.

After I quit, I cleaned my room, even went one day without junk-food. Of course quickly relapsed with porn, and relapsed hard. I was also sick, but now I just decided that I'm gonna stop being sick and be awesome instead.

Stinson out.

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Posted

Thanks for your update. Look at how you had the great week that one time and if you can do it one week, you can do it any week. :)

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Posted

Again! On Tuesday I just thought: if I'm not gonna get to work anyway, it doesn't matter how I'm gonna be wasting the time. Which is true actually.

And that means I have to get to work immediately!

Starting tomorrow I'm getting back to work. I'm gonna do a workout session, then get to reading on cognitive science. Which is hard, very complicated and fascinating. I also have to plan my next weeks, because there's gonna be:

  • Three tests: statiscics, globalization, cognitive
  • An essay for sociology (hard, challenging)
  • A small project for cognitive
  • An essay for logic (would be great to have that out of my way as soon as possible, as this is gonna be easy as... not gaming)

I also found a book on shame, which is exactly what I feel when I game. And maybe when I watch porn. And waste time in general. Here's the link:

A book on shame, John Bradshaw

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