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Becoming my self.


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Short summary of the content in this journal: I want to change  Stress -> Gaming Videos -> Self shaming to Stress -> Burpees -> Self appraising. I will track my successes with that tactic here and iterate if necessary. In parallel I try to understand myself more and identify good/neutral/bad habits of mine. 

To be able to build new habits and handle in my every day challenges I need to focus on energy. Without energy everything gets harder. What is giving me energy? Do sport regularly, prioritize sleep, don't eat sugary foods or drink coffee, drink enough water.

Counters (since 2020-11-25)

Days with sweating: 0
Days without sweating: 0

Days I went to bed before 10 in the evening: 0
Days I went to bed after 10 in the evening: 0

Days with sweets: 0
Days without sweets: 0

Days with more then 2l water consumption: 0
Days with less then 2l water consumption: 0

Relieved Stress mostly positively today: 0
Relieved Stress mostly negatively today: 0

 

Long Version:

Hello fellow game quitters.

My name is Mario and I quit games quite a while ago. After eliminating this bad habit from my life (beside some short relapses), I was able to reach some moderate amount of success in my life. I am a father now, have a happy marriage, a moderately well paying job and am still okay in shape. Yay!

On the other hand I did struggle lately. My father and wife suffering from mental illness, and I myself realizing how lacking I am in so many areas of my life. Especially in knowing what I want. I suck at my job at the moment and am on the verge of leaving it or getting fired because I can't deliver value. I tried to become better, but it feels like the stuff I do there just isn't something I like or am good at, at the moment.

I am bad with stress. If stress and uncertainty come up, I will often switch to distractions (lately more and more nostalgia gaming videos on youtube). These are also the situations where I relapsed in the past.

Why am I writing here again? 

I want to be in good community and you guys and gals having the same background of gaming addiction makes gamequitters a safe place to write for me here.

I want to be better. I want to live my life on my terms. So the questions is following: What would I like to be if I had the choice?

I compiled a little list of adjectives I would like to embody more in three areas (Character, Mind, Body)

  1. Character
    1. Helpful
    2. Honest
    3. Human
    4. Loving
    5. Positive
    6. Respectful
    7. Curious
    8. Direct
    9. Disciplined
  2. Mind
    1. Reflective
    2. Focused
    3. Present
    4. Thorough
    5. Organized
    6. Resilient
    7. Happy
    8. Systematic
    9. Creative
  3. Body
    1. Energetic
    2. Agile
    3. Groomed
    4. Attractive
    5. Healthy
    6. Strong
    7. Balanced
    8. Coordinated

I hope to find habits to improve these three dimensions which allow me to becoming a person which I would describe with this words.

So what is the action plan until my next birthday? Recognize the bad habits I have and switch them with a habit which serves me in the long run. 

First candidate: Trigger: Stress/low-self-esteem -> Watching feed media/youtube/porn -> short term dopamine boost -> long term disappointment in my self -> Stress/low-self-esteem.

What I want to do instead: If I realize that I am stressed or feeling worthless  ->  do burpees until the pressure feeling is better -> Ask for help / Do the first action of the things I must do which is done in under 15minutes -> Be proud of myself (happy) for realizing I was stressed (Reflective, Present), following through on my planned alternative behavior (Resilient, Systematic, Disciplined, Energetic, Healthy, Strong).

By tracking these here and also writing down about other habits I have I hope to embody these adjectives more in the future.

Edit: Added a few counters for energy habits. I plan to update them regularly in a daily review, on my phone and update the numbers here. If I have a n overall 75% (positive/negative) ratio over a longer period of time.  I will  become the person who sleeps well, does sport and is psychical and physical strong. 

 

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10 hours ago, WorkInProgress said:

I compiled a little list of adjectives I would like to embody more in three areas (Character, Mind, Body)

I really like the values list! Super cool that you have an idea of who you want to be. You’ve inspired me. I think I’m going to have to make a list of my own.

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Counters (since 2020-11-25)

Days with sweating: 0
Days without sweating: 1

Days I went to bed before 10 in the evening: 1
Days I went to bed after 10 in the evening: 0

Days with sweets: 0
Days without sweets: 1

Days with more then 2l water consumption: 1
Days with less then 2l water consumption: 0

Relieved Stress mostly positively today: 1
Relieved Stress mostly negatively today: 0

Got fired yesterday. Or more preciesily got a "Aufhebungsvertrag" and telled that they don't want to work with me. Well luckily in germany we have nice worker protection laws, which means the offered contract stipulates that I get payed for 3 Months without working. Seems like a good offer but I'll spent some times today to check some stuff written in it.

But needless to say this was very stressful for me so I was happy to stick to the exercise instead of youtube plan.

I think I need to drink water today though.. Challenge accepted.

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Counters (since 2020-11-25)

Days with sweating: 0
Days without sweating: 2

Days I went to bed before 10 in the evening: 2
Days I went to bed after 10 in the evening: 0

Days without sweets: 1
Days with sweets: 1

Days with more then 2l water consumption: 1
Days with less then 2l water consumption: 1

Relieved Stress mostly positively today: 1
Relieved Stress mostly negatively today: 1

-> Two rocky days with bad overall scores. At the end of next week I want 75% or more on every metric so I have to step it up.

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Counters (since 2020-11-25)

 

Days with sweating: 0

Days without sweating: 3

 

Days I went to bed before 10 in the evening: 3

Days I went to bed after 10 in the evening: 0

 

Days without sweets: 1

Days with sweets: 2

 

Days with more then 2l water consumption: 2

Days with less then 2l water consumption: 1

 

Relieved Stress mostly positively today: 1

Relieved Stress mostly negatively today: 2

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welcome, i think it's good that on your list you are including water. Drinking water is so important for all life and drinking less can cause ugly things like headaches or migraines, chapped lips, overall dehydration and more. Having it as part of your journal i think is good, to remind yourself. 

On 11/28/2020 at 12:33 AM, WorkInProgress said:

Two rocky days with bad overall scores. At the end of next week I want 75% or more on every metric so I have to step it up.

For this I think it's good that you are pushing yourself to get 75% or more on the metric, but if it doesn't work out don't worry, every little bit of improvement compared to your two rocky days is good. 
 

Anyway, best of luck on your journey!

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I already fell of the wagon by missing some journaling days here.

My situation changed a bit because I am effectively was layed off from my job and have three Months of payed free time until I find another job. This also changes my goals for the next three months and I think I should therefore use this three months as an opportunity to 

  1. Find a better job.
  2. Develop a healthy way to care for my self.
  3. Strengthen the bond with my wife.
  4. Being present with my children.
  5. Connect with my friends and family.
  6. Get things in our apartment organized and clean.

These are my objectives.

To reach them I need to do a few things:

  1. Clarify my objectives by breaking them down in parts.
  2. Note down the actionable tasks I need to do to reach my objectives.
  3. Note down habits that help me to be in the reach my
  4. Note down single actions that enable me to do

Because this is a lot of planning and I need to go to action immediately I start today only with the most time sensitive goal (my job search) and will use every day at 8:30 plan out the other habits and reflect on my existing habit trackers. 

Find a better job

Meeting following objectives would make the job better:

  • pays more then 62k
  • time doesn't have to be tracked 
  • location is under 30min driving distance away
  • no travel to customers
  • more technical then my previous job
  • I can leverage my Atlassian experience

Actionable Tasks to reach the objective

  • Add stored job listings which match this criteria to 80% into google sheets
  • Cluster them in the categories software tester, product owner, it consultant
  • Create a cover letter and a customized cv for the software tester jobs
  • Look-up the organization and write down questions to the jobs in the sheet
  • Call the organizations and ask the questions
  • Customize the cover letter regard the answers and the job listings.
  • Send the letters
  • Repeat this for Product Owner jobs and It-Consultant jobs

Habits that help me reach the objective (PomodorosFocused Knowledge Work)

  • If I sit down at my desk (cue), I will write down the tasks I want to do the next 25min (action), then I will make 5minutes break to stand up, drink water, and think about the things I accomplished in the session (reward)
  • I will do at least 4 25minutes sessions every day starting at 8:30
  • On Weekends I will do the same but instead of job searching I will post my results here and plan out the other objectives or study software testing topics.

Supporting Environment Changes:

  • Clean my Desk (only laptop, Notepad and a glass of water)
  • Clean my Desktop (keep only relevant stuff for job search)
  • Fill the Notepad with Headings for the date and task list
  • Block youtube, and porn sites 

 

 

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I spent only like 4 25minutes session on my job hunt because I needed to support my struggling wife and care for my two sons. And also because I am fucking tired.

Well but on the good side, I good some recruiters asking for my availability and was able to finish on a good note on my old employer by saying everyone personal goodbye. I think most of them were positively surprised of that and I feel like a solid professional network is a good investment in my future. I am excited to look for software tester jobs (I worked so far under the title it-consultant and want to get away from project management and more into technical topics). This motivates me to keep things going. 

I also was able to stop myself from porn and YouTube trough the android app "App Block". It counts how often you tried to access the blocked side and this helped me to realize how often I navigated there without noticing. So far I wasn't tempted to delete the app and the reminder was enough. That's a great improvement to the past. But it helps that I don't have to work right know and feel like I am moving towards something better. Gaming/YouTube/Porn was for me always a way to escape or to get easy dopamine. Instant gratification. If I see a perspective its easier to not go for it. But it is surprisingly hard to not know what to do and feel bored. I did in this occasions read a book about software testing, made some chores in the apartment while listening to an audiobook or did nothing. I have to learn again how to be bored. I remember that I was fond of laying the grass and watching the sky in my youth. Or just dreaming while doing nothing on the couch. I seemed to lost that ability, since I use a smartphone regulary.

Oh and I also stopped successfully my caffeine intake. 4 Days of headaches seemed to be enough.

So what's next?

I need to focus on the knowledge work habit and survive. It's that easy. Everything else (including workout/sweets/etc.) is secundary. Because this skill will enable me to be actually productive with my time at work and home. Something I never achieved before. If I have enough sessions beyond my belt (I think 100 is a good number) I can add other stuff. Right know I am proud that I am able to stay away from my worst habits and build a new important one.

After I wrote here for accountability I will do some chores and try another  focus session. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello dear reader,

I haven't posted here for a while. What happened in the last 2 weeks:

  • I did successfully stop watching YouTube and also blocked LinkedIn\feed on my laptop and LinkedIn as a whole on my phone. 
  • Did get some more housework done
  • Connected with friends on family over remote
  • Didn't do Pomodoro sessions
  • Did only two (really promising) applications but got for both an invitiation for a remote screening. So MAYBE I am min-maxing?
  • Gone through some emotional stuff with my wife and was able to support her.
  • Gone through 70% of "Moonwalking with Einstein" (Memorization stuff) which I enjoy

After posting a bit with @alvayuso I decided to focus on habits and actually be accountable for them. Unfortunately just posting here isn't helping me here as much as other people. But still I want to do two things:

  1. Do one focus session with my notebook(soon my remarkable2 arrives (yay)) and my laptop every day (25 minutes). (Cue :work of the day is done (children are sleeping, household is done as far as I committed to it. Craving: Feel accomplishment for becoming better,  Response. Set a Timer, Write what I want to work on down, Open Laptop, Go, 4. Strike through resolved tasks and note down informations/ideas/further steps to the tasks in the session. Write down the number of pomodoros I completed since today.
  2. Use Anki to memrize ped-system (memorization system for numbers). (Fun habit instead of browsing :D)
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