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pepega -> widepeepoHappy


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Hi.  I am pepega, and previously I had a journal in this subforum called "becoming widepeepoHappy".  The journal was epic, but I want to turn that epic into legendary.  So, starting today, I am going to keep a normal journal called "pepega -> widepeepoHappy".  I am going to keep it real in this journal.  Keep it 100.

About me

So, let's be honest here, I am a loser in real life.  If I am not doing school work for college, I am either playing video games, watching my favorite streamer, or wanking.   It has been a week now though since quitting games.  So I am doing everything I usually do but no video games. 

Life has not changed much since quitting video games, but I am managing my classes better now.  However, I want to make my life more focused.  I don't want to be a pepega in the chat or a chronic wanker anymore.  I want to get into a routine that has more "me" involvement.  So, tomorrow, and so forth, I am going to focus on school work, exercise, and my hobby.  From there, I will see where my life takes me.  I think in the future, my life won't look too much different though; instead of school work, work. 

That's all about me.  Not much to say in my years of living.  PepeLaugh.

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I don't really have too many goals in life, and I will go ahead and list them:

  • Getting my degree
  • A career in my degree in field
  • Making my projects
  • Being game free

I also did state that I would not play games until I achieve my goals, and that contradicts with being game free, but the idea is that I won't be playing games until I reach my goals.  

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I think this is a much better start to your journal! And you're not a loser. I think something you'll have to work on is appreciating yourself and recognizing how important and valuable you are to the world but to yourself also. At the end of the day we only have ourselves. Treat yourself well and with respect. Take slow strides on this journey and be patient. Do one thing at a time. I couldn't quit porn and gaming at the same time and had to focus on gaming first. Some can do both though. Just experiment and be fair to yourself. You got this.

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@Lampshade I want to keep my degree a secret, if that's understandable.

Also, pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp 

Edited by pepega
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I am afraid if I speak of my goals, my thoughts and desires to accomplish these goals will diminish. Similar to therapy, except therapy is bad thoughts. 

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All good @pepega

Quote

I am afraid if I speak of my goals, my thoughts and desires to accomplish these goals will diminish.

I think I understand that. There's a lot of negative attitude towards people who are all talkers and don't actually do anything. I've also heard that you can almost feel like you've accomplished progress towards a goal by saying it out loud, even though nothing has actually been done. Sometimes it's fun if you can find the right person to share your goals and dreams with though, like when they are supportive and excited for you.

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Thank you for understanding, @Lampshade.  (Warm my heart).  And you are right, it is fun to share my goals and dreams with the right people, and I think you guys are the right people.  I like the supportiveness and enthusiasm from everyone here on this forum so far, so, maybe I will share more in the future when I am comfortable.  Thanks again.

 

 

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I feel more relaxed now.

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PogChamps in the chat!

pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp pogChamp

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Today I meditated, did school work, and exercised.  I watched my favorite streamer on my downtime, but I am okay with that.  The process takes time.  Also, I ate three good meals today, so I might fart rainbows tonight, maybe more than farting, because my belly is gurgling right now.  Uh oh, I have to go now.

Back.  So, rainbows did not come out.  At least I know now, and lucky for the next person, the toilet seat is warm.  widepeepoHappy.

I lost of my train of thought.  Anyway, I am sore from exercising today, so I am going to go to sleep.

Ni ni.

Edited by pepega
uh oh, round 2 restroom maybe. MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW MonkaW
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Thank you just now @BooksandTrees.  I was thinking too much for the past 2 hours instead of going to bed, filling my thoughts with negativity.  But I figure no matter how much thinking I do, nothing will change.  The real change is from doing my tasks and doing what I am doing.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  Everything feels so frustrating when I realize things for what it is.  I should sleep now.

Thank you again for the words.  I will keep it up.

Edited by pepega
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Overactive negative brain stuff is the worst. Hopefully your meditation helps with that! Expect it to take forever though lol. Gives hope at least that someday thing will be easier.

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A little rant before I go into today:  When someone is mentally ill, it's wrong to call them out on things.  In high school, I always hung around over achievers who called me out for slacking in class because I wasn't on their level.  Parents, teachers, relatives, and peers too.  I wasn't mentally stable at the time, and I still am not, and everyday all they did was add fuel to the fire.  If someone is not acting usual, then ask if there is anything you can do to help.  Pick a brother up!  I hate when people give me that look of disappointment. Today I am working on improving myself, and I am tired of being around people who just want to insult, mock, compare me to their ideologies in life, presumptions of me in life with these ill intended looks!  You don't know me, and this is my life, not yours.  I am not this and that.  I am pepega, and my life is my life!  I will not be judged by outsiders who know nothing of me.  And today I will not be afraid!  I will stand up for myself!  And everyday I am improving myself at my own pace!  Today and tomorrow and the day after FOREVER!  So quit the NEGATIVITY!

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I may not be at my best today, I may not be at my best tomorrow, but someday I will be at the level I want to be at.  BUT FOR NOW!  I AM PEPEGA! PEPEGASMASH!

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sorry, this wasn't intended for any of you guys here.  It was addressing something internally.

But today was not a good day to say at the very least.

@Luis Felipe I will look into it, and thank you.  I will do my best to keep in touch.

@Lampshade Thank you, and I agree.  Negative thoughts put me in a real low point in life.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  What was I going to say.  I forgot but thank you for the support and interaction.  

Let's do this dooodssss! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

As for today, I got some school work done, but I have to get more done tonight.  I was distracted today by some memories in the past, and a lot of stress surfaced, but I think I addressed it, and bounced back now.  I don't know  I don't know what to say regarding my above rant.  Even if the impression is good or bad, most of the time people don't  know me or try to get to know me.  They just assume a lot of things, and obviously I can't really help that, but I just wish people would do better than see someone or something at face value.  I am guilty of it too, but at the end of the day if someone relates I imagine they can see how alienating feels.  Because I am a certain race or this, people already have this given expectation of me.  I don't know what I can do much for that expectation, but at the end of the day, I just have to keep doing what I am doing.  People can think whatever.  At least that's what I think now, or at least hope I think.  But anyways, all I really got done today was school work.  I felt too down to tune into my favorite streamer or do anything more productive.  I want to say tomorrow will be better, but I will have to see.  Patience, right?  So, that's all for today.

reeee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e. bye.

Edited by pepega
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So, I am doing a little better now.  I got my school work done and meditated after, and after some reflection, I think I am going to take a break for a while.  I feel like journaling isn't the best idea for me right now anymore.  Maybe I am journaling wrong, but whenever I journal I start recalling other things.  Bad things.  If that makes sense, because most of my mind is filled with negativity subconsciously from I have experienced.  When I look into my mind, some how if I am right (I am not a psychologist), my subconscious thoughts take over, and I think that my subconsciousness is really negative.  All I can think about is negative things.  Sad moments in my life, negativity, doubt, and regrets.  They all start surfacing out of no where, and I have seen it happen when I do other stuff in life, like when I am doing chores or home work or when my mind is in idle.

I think meditation is helpful for sure so I can learn to sit with these thoughts and be more mindful (at least that's my understanding of meditation as of presently), but then again, I am having trouble filling my life with positivity.  I should probably just keep poking my brain with a positivity stick and eventually something will change, but the problem seems to be deeply rooted, and by journaling it feels like I am just bouncing around like with the positivity stick.  Maybe I'll need a psychologist, because it seems like they are equipped with the positivity knife, and maybe that will seep through more better.  I'll probably look for one in the future when I can financially afford one.

But won't just journaling more positively be better long term?  Yeah, at least that's what I think so, but right now I need a break from journaling at the very most to reevaluate or refresh, and also if journaling doesn't work, I should try something different.  Everyone is different like most people say.  And I'll work on finding that.  I'll come back if nothing works, or, I get sucked into a more worse heap than before.  Maybe then, I will start journaling more differently and more positively, and ha, being more grateful for having a platform with such good people.

I am just thinking now at this point, but I do think if what I written is true, then maybe journaling with gratitude and other reinforcing positive thoughts will help change a person's life.  Or rather they just need to keep consciously pushing their brain with positive thoughts to some day reach their desired state, and I am sure meditation helps with that too.  Actions definitely help too, like actions towards improving one's life.  But right now, I think I really just need to get away from things in general.  I will still keep doing my tasks, working towards my goals, and treating myself better in regards to my gaming, stream watching, and excessive masturbation problems.  So, after my break, I will come back, and see how to go about things.

Thank you for the support and advice from everyone, and sorry if anyone had to read my negative and too stance written journal posts.  I'll try to be more mindful and positive in a way that is light-hearted and encouraging in my journal next time for myself and everyone else, because one's exposure to anything can have an influence on the self unless  one has a strong enough perspective (at least that's what I believe).  I should do the same for my life too in regards to being more at ease, light hearted, and positive (now I am thinking again), because at the end of the day, with all current routines I had or have going on like gaming, watching streamers, or excessive masturbation, I should had been more mindful that I have been doing this for a while, and to reverse the process takes a lot of time.  I should had treated and taken care of myself better instead of getting frustrated.  In some ways, it felt like I was beating up a hurt child, already in pain and in tears.  What good does that do?  Only more damage, and maybe numbness after.  But numbness is painful.  Really painful.  That's probably why I wrote what I wrote in my journal "becoming widepeepoHappy" about treating my sour fruit better, because some day that fruit will grow into something more than that sourness.  Something much more.  Something beautiful.   But, at the end of the day, the past should had been left in the past, and I should had looked forward in my life, to the present.

And honestly, writing this all down now, makes me think about my teacher and how much more I should had been grateful to him.  He wasn't always making us write reflections after every week of class assignment or exam to put something in the grade book.  It was a reflection so we could look back on what we did, and to see what we could had done better, and what we can do better starting now.  He was preparing us for the future.  He was teaching us something so valuable.

But, I don't know what to say now. I feel pretty frustrated at myself, but at the same time I am happy.  Happy for realizing I have a friend inside me that just needs more love from me, and how there is a lot to be done now.  So that's all I have to say.  This community is great from what I have seen.  @BooksandTrees seems to be carrying a lot of weight though, so I hope more people come out successful in their journey and more can mentor others.  Because in this short time, I felt a lot of good come out of this community and site, even though I had a lot of frustration, contradictions, and problems on my end.

So thanks for all the love and support.

pepega.

I will be back when I am ready, and when I do...  My journal is going to more than legendary.  It is going to be godlike (or maybe just ordinary). PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp PogChamp.

Take care for now everybody, and I hope the best for everyone. 🙂 

(I should get some rest now for tomorrow, and what lies ahead.  Until next time guys.)

 

Edited by pepega
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My final message for now:

Thank you.  I am grateful for everything.  Grateful for my teacher.  Grateful for my life.  Grateful for everyone on here.

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2 hours ago, pepega said:

But won't just journaling more positively be better long term?  Yeah, at least that's what I think so, but right now I need a break from journaling

A worker-abusing culture that acts anti-human, forces everyone to be happy all the time and denies healthy emotions like grief or rage because they are considered "unproductive". Those castrated emotions are repressed until they build up and explode causing even greater unproductivity than if they were expressed in an honest way.
I use my journal to rage at people(anonymously) and life situations because I understand that all emotions are natural but some emotions are innapropriate to be expressed in full for some civilized social situations.

You post in a unique way by using a character and his way of speaking. This protects you but it also makes it harder for people to know you.

Pepe is a character who expresses a full range of emotions. Sometimes he is positive, sometimes he is negative. He is also a character who is shameless for any of the weird or gross things he does. And while society thinks shamelessness is a vice, I know shamelessness is a virtue because it is a raw form of bravery and inner peace. The enlightened are shameless. Of course there are rules on Game Quitters (and everywhere else) so never go full pepe. Never go full anything. A moderate attitude is the key.


It's a mistake to act like crying wojak wearing mask of smiling wojak - to pretend that everything is happy when things are bad or even when things are just okay or neutral.

I journal once a week and respond to people on other days. Others check back once a month, or post whenever they feel an urge to game. Experiment. Commit to a plan for a week. Figure out what went wrong with the plan. Change it. Commit to version 2 for next week. Find what works for you.


I prefer to read more heartfelt posts from you. Once in a while, you can take off the pepe mask and talk like a real person but you don't have to.

Edited by Bird By Bird
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Thank you @Bird By Bird for giving me some light.  After a good night's rest and reading your reply before actually sleeping, I forgot about the pains of a having a happy happy attitude all the time, when it's not always that case.  I worked in retail for two years prior to going back to school, and I forgot about the suffering from having this "positive attitude on all the time".  This was something I casted on myself, and having managers around reinforced this idea of being a go go happy person.  For the short term, it was okay.  But after a while, everyday going to work was painful, because it felt like I was like going to the circus everyday to put on a show, when everyday I was suffering.  I quit my job because of that, and mostly because people preyed on that mask I wore (COVID enabled this opportunity to leave).  So, thank you for reminding and making me more aware of this destructiveness.  So starting now if I can, I will try to instead experience, reflect, and archive life for what it is, as foreign as it sounds to me for right now.

And what you say about my character hits the nail on the head.  Throughout my life, I have always worn a mask, and being introduced to twitch and internet culture, this mask took on more color.  Pepe color.  But as you said and from what I am going to say next:

9 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

It's a mistake to act like crying wojak wearing mask of smiling wojak - to pretend that everything is happy when things are bad or even when things are just okay or neutral.

and

9 hours ago, Bird By Bird said:

You post in a unique way by using a character and his way of speaking. This protects you but it also makes it harder for people to know you.

I wear this mask because I am afraid of people getting to know me, and also because I am afraid of what reality I will live after taking off this mask.  But always putting up this guard, I feel more isolated and depressed from before and I imagine this feels the same to anyone reading my journals (frustrating if anything), (This is just me rambling at this point, and all I really just want to say thank you for the enlightening post) and I think that's why I run to video games, because of the subtle change in character when I play an MMORPG or some other game.  The character that is without the mask.  But in some ways, after your post, I am not sure how to explain it, but I feel more okay to not be somebody else.  It's something I have been missing since quitting games, that feeling.

On the other hand, I am a pretty boring person, and often times I find myself more solemn if anything, but if that's okay from what you say, I will try to be more of myself when I post. But regarding the mask, I am not sure if the mask will ever go away, it's almost become a part of my identity now.  If it's not pepega, it's something else.  Maybe with some time the mask will do away however.  Anyways, I will be sure to never go full pepe. (reeee)  Thanks for reminding me. Sometimes I forget proper conduct after being on the internet for too long.  So, thanks.

Not sure what to say now, I think I have been rambling for a while. 

As for my journal, I have a plan now, and I will come back November 7th after I get sometime away.  I will most likely start posting once a week too, and see how that works out, and if not, I will post every two weeks.  Ultimately, I'll keep trying to see what works for me, and stick to that plan.

Thanks again for the critical evaluation of what I have said, and done so far.

pepega.

 

Edited by pepega
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I don't think you should feel bad or be so self critical during this process. You're not wrong for being negative. Think about how you would use video games as a crutch to hide from pain and negativity. Without video games you're now acknowledging these emotions for the first time in years and it's a lot to deal with. You have to be comfortable and accept the fact that you're going to be sad, angry, happy, depressed, excited, proud, and a lot more within a matter of weeks after quitting and it lasts a while.

I have written some horrible things in my diary, especially during the beginning of 2019 and end of 2018 where it looked like I was a brooding, hate-filled, incel. It happens to all of us. We have to channel our emotions and sift through them in order to get it out of our system. If we don't do it in a healthy way through exercise, journaling, communication, rest, eating healthy, and balance, then we'll do something we regret in life out of pent up, uncontrollable anger. 

So my advice is to be patient. This seems like the first time you've really had a chance to put your emotions into structured words and paragraphs. You're finally giving yourself thought. You might not like who you are or where you are from, but you can always change who you will be and where you'll go. I advise you to stick through this and be brave enough to struggle for a while. 

Success is determined by how high we bounce after hitting rock bottom. We hit bottom many times in life. Never let it get you down. You've got goodness and hope inside of you. You're likeable and smart. Keep up the progress.

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21 hours ago, pepega said:

I worked in retail for two years prior to going back to school,

I've been there too, really messes with a person. Keeping that mask up is exhausting and at the end of the day there's not much mental energy left over for yourself. Glad you're out of it, what a terrible industry.

I hope to see you again @pepega , because I agree with all the things said by @BooksandTrees. I see a lot of myself from when I was younger in the things you write so I'm cheering for you lol.

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