Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

The Mirror of Ink and Soul


Rick Boon
 Share

Recommended Posts

The function of this journal is intended to be an anchor and tool to find control again over my gaming and influence the choices i will make in the future. I want to explore why i am absorbed by games in moments of sadness, disappointment, or loneliness. 

This is my second journal, and by kicking this one off i am ending the first one. It has served it's goal. I am not here to flutter, to ghost my own journal or give up. Besides the question why gaming has such an impact on me, and how my own personality is tied into the reasons why i game, i want to connect, to listen, to live. I need my life to be satisfactory. 

By sticking to a daily dairy i want to build an imaginary train that trains forward.

I am lost in the day? = read my last update. I don't know what my purpose of this week, month or even year will be? find the answers here, on the forum or inside respawn.

Besides this journal i will also have an overhauling plan which includes a spreadsheet for daily and/or weekly routines. 

 

I made up a few rules for myself. To quickly recap, this is not my first try to change my life completely, and so i will not see it that way. The following will hopefully be the foundation i am building my life upon. 

  • one step at the time. Realistically that means very slowly, something new per day. 
  • simple days. No 20 ultra productive courses or books. Just a few pages to start with, nothing drastically. Slow pace.
  • Low expectations. In line with who i am, what i am capable of. My favorite quote from The King of Queens is "the lower you'll go, the happier you'll be". Different context, but still. Makes me laugh and think at the same time.
  • Treat yo self (Parks en Rec anyone?). Rewarding myself will be very important. I don't do that. Not often. Thus, i want to recognize my own contributions or others and see value in that. No depriving thoughts or cutting compliments. A simple "Thank you" or "Rick you've done well" will suffice.

 These are my intentions. Now to actions..

Actually. This is my step for today. I have multiple tabs open, on the GQ youtube channel and some journals. I am halting now to resume tomorrow.

Things to do:

  • Special paragraph about introspection, including a way to find out if i am being truthful. 
  • Make a template for everyday's journal
  • Make a spreadsheet in excel
  • ask for input what a healthy day includes
  • Describe actions that flow from my intentions
  • Make a few agreements with myself
  • Take one step at the time
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good on you for starting a new journal ?
I've been where you are as well, just being ultra hyper productive, which in the end is exhausting when starting motivation quiets down a little.

So to you: Good luck to you with the slow and steady. That's atleast my strategy for now as well.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for the kind words Cornish and sskieller.

Today i have not resumed where i let off yesterday. I had a very good day, but right now i am almost falling asleep. Updating here now is my last act before i head to pillow-village and dreamy-town. 

My one step today was pushing through some resistance, and act on awareness.

I am aware that, after work i tend to crash and stagnate for the rest of the day on gaming. Today i was aware that i was tired after work, so i drank a glas of milk, and relaxed for a set time that i told myself. 'i will relax for x amount of minutes, and then get to work again'. It is a small tool i learned that was meant for when you -or in this case, me- keep grinding in a cycle about a problem, or worry. After my relaxing 30 minutes i went outdoors to do some calisthenics. I was very happy afterwards. I wanted to work out, so i did. I filled the rest of the day with groceries, putting something in the oven and reading up on some lore. 

My scheduled time for my daily update is normally 8:30 till 9, but today i moved it forward an hour. The list will remain where it is, and be worked on tomorrow. 

I am pretty grateful for today. I had fun. I could relax. I was aware. 

Rick, over and out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A quick update, before my 8:30. This is an awareness blog.

I find myself in a 'game-day' this morning and afternoon. I had irregular sleep last night, i woke up around 1:30 because i went very early. I was beat. I joined my work later this morning, i had some good activities. I had this afternoon aswell. I went out to the market, i enjoyed myself. Right now i just played a small game of football (soccer).

Still i am sensing a couple of signs. 

  • i feel tired in my head
  • i have the inclination to sit down, and read on my laptop about games, watch youtube or play. It is this habit that i am way to accustomed to.
  • i have an mostly empty weekend before me. I have some laundry i really need to do tomorrow, and i will. But that is the only thing i have planned.
  • I have to much "i should do" thoughts. Going to my parents. Finishing cleaning my room. Unscrew the lambs to replace the bulbs. Finish demolishing my bank. I replaced it with a normal seat and beanbag.

Normally this would be a set up for a full weekend of gaming. Today, i can't. Today was a good day so far. 

I am thinking of ways to use the momentum i have now. Bend my "i should's" into "i will". Uhhmm, thinking out loud. I should not underestimate the change in direction i took this week. My weekend should contain something active, something to relax with and something challenging.

Alright, this weekend:

  • I'll bike to my parents. It's a 2 hour trip, i have once done half of it. I know the way. I think i can do this. Let me plan it immediately. Tomorrow afternoon i have laundry, it isnt really the best time. I can perhaps change it to the morning. I'll get back to this.
  • 11 o'clock I have the need for a desk. Tomorrow i'll ride by two charity-shops and see if they have something.
  • I'll scout the city at the same time a bit.
  • 12 o'clock laundry.
  • 12 o'clock I'll finish demolishing my bank in the time my clothes are in the machine.
  • 14:30 I'll round up, and plan a small moment of relaxing. I'll meet the group for coffee at 15:00.

I'll come back to this post later this evening. Small steps. One step at the time.

Last, i am adding something very important for myself to the list, that is:

  • Being truthful. I have such a habit of talking accordingly to what people expect. It. is. not. good. I dislike it furiously, yet in such a moment my very core just wants to say what is correct, and be gone with it. Either disband the situation or fleeing myself. Together with Introspection,  i will go to the bottom of this.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 15:30 check the weather if i can bike to parents. That or lift.
  • Following that, i'll pack for staying a night over.
  • 16:00 Time to go.

That i'll be my saturday.

My current list:

  • Special paragraph about introspection, including a way to find out if i am being truthful
  • Make a template for everyday's journal
  • Make a spreadsheet in excel
  • ask for input what a healthy day includes
  • Describe actions that flow from my intentions
  • Make a few agreements with myself
  • Take one step at the time

This evening i will talk about an agreement i want to make. It is about porn.

I have silenced the movie that was on. I am alone in my room. Rain is making it's white noise while i am wrapped in my blanket. Let's talk.

A couple of days back i saw a video from Improvement Pill on YouTube. Describing in a clear and direct way what nofap could do for someone. It struck me in two ways. 

  • How necessary this is for me. I have lived those benefits he sums up. 
  • Where i once was. A little bit of shame, guilt, regret and sadness are coming up. I feel nostalgic. 

I need to post this blog, but i am done for now. Writing takes me a lot more time then i originally estimated. (Resume here)

At last, here is the link; 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yesterday i was sound asleep, so no blog from sunday.

Today my priority is making my weekly roster, in excel, and finishing the first agreement i will make with myself about porn.

I'll get back to you once i have some legwork.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today i progressed on my roster, my template and i had some laundry to fold, calling my brother. It was busy, and i ate very quickly in-between.

I skipped my workout today and I did miss the feeling of movement afterwards, and i don't think i will be skipping anymore. It was not worth it. 

I'm now going to take a small walk, because i forgot something outside.

My one step this day was committing to a project i promised to try out to my neighbor, and i did some work on that in the late afternoon. Normally i would crash down on the couch, and i think i did well today by not following that same behavior. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel so much hesitation to write today. Yesterday and the day before where good days. Yesterday, i was very busy until 5pm, and afterwards i was so tired. I couldn't get to anything i wanted to do anymore, and i devolved into gaming in the evening, and just sitting. Ugh. My habit of sitting has such a grip on me i think, and i'm not always aware. 

It's basically this. I love to write, to read and to learn. So after a workday i sit down, and i do those 3. Then either two things happen; after i have had enough of doing this i go into the next activity (most of the times this is a workout, cleaning or going outside, something with movement). Or; the day changes into a game day. I'm fussy, brain-fogged and the only sentence that stays stuck in my head is "tomorrow i will do this, or that, and it will be better". Today i had that last sort of day. And it doesn't do very much for me.

Man, that feels good to write this down. If that doesn't do much for me, why do i do it? I think because my structure has faded. I'm fine with watching movies and gaming in the midst of afternoon. But if i would compare that to my dad, or brother they would just do something else entirely. Probably something with work, friends or fixing stuff, cleaning. It's all mixed up after having been so long under the brain-fogged effect of porn and gaming all day.

On the other hand, i'm not that person anymore either. A 'game-day' when i was 20 is vastly different from a game-day now (i'm 25). I can see how i have changed, mostly for the better. I"m not sure what i want to do here. I'm not going to keep navel-gazing though, i can promise you that (hello future self if you read this, be proud of the action you took today). 

What really is calling to me now is the video from Cam about doubling-down on the things that work. 

And that is what i will do. Not because my current course of action i started to take at the begin of this journal is insufficient (i think not at least), but because after today i think it will be good idea to add another point to the list. 

  • Crash day; what to do? (main question that needs to be answered would be; my day is spiraling into a game-day, what do i need to do?)

Good talk. Good write up. I'm writing a lot more these days, on all sorts of places. I like that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today was a full day, and i am glad. I could relax after 5 pm and went to dinner. After dinner, i watched some tv and worked on my weekly schedule. Yet, i was not fond of it. I have been that route very many times, and i don't think it fits anymore.

So i changed it into a list of all the things a day, each day when possible needs to have.

Thus far i have:

  1. 'waking up event', which is body activity, either workout, football, walking, working on something outdoors.
  2. relaxing moments. As a bridge between activities.
  3. a strong morning routine.
  4. a strong evening routine.

I outlined all the specifics on a spreadsheet, but won't share them here.

Any advice what i have missed so far is welcome. I do know i should have replacing activities for all area's gaming sufficed. I looked them up just to be sure and they are; Mentally engaging, Resting, Social. I have the resting part covered, the mentally engaging sometimes (i read a lot). The social and another mentally engaging is needed, and i will fill them in tomorrow, and take a look on the hobby list from cam. 

Things to do:

  • Special paragraph about introspection, including a way to find out if i am being truthful. 
  • Make a template for everyday's journal
  • Make a spreadsheet in excel  done
  • ask for input what a healthy day includes 
  • Describe actions that flow from my intentions
  • Make a few agreements with myself
  • Crash day; what to do? (main question that needs to be answered would be; my day is spiraling into a game-day, what do i need to do?)
  • Take one step at the time
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

Updating here as my one step.

Today was a good day. I had lunch. I helped. I talked. I was in contact. I finished this day quite unfulfilled. I gamed a bit in the evening. Went to coffee. Back to gaming.

Its now 11:54 pm here. And i feel this big, unresolved chunk of energy. Did i not give enough today? is it supposed to be like this? Restless. Aimless? Unforgiving for myself. Undone.

I can go on and on. What is the solution? i do good things. I take care of myself. 

I feel lost in the evening. Am i alone? 

I will put awareness to work. Maybe i'll figure it out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Back to my daily rhythm, writing here every evening. I've been slipping, and the expectation i had in mind has not worked out, time to adjust. Tired, in my head. So many plans yet so empty on energy. A good night's sleep will help. Tomorrow morning cleaning up a bit, and starting to workout again.

My one step of today is going to bed at a reasonable hour, 11 pm.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

10 days into december, and i said to myself. "i want to have a different December compared to other years. I want to be social present, have engaging activities and really feel and see how our last month pans out. No long hours of gaming, staying up late, a broken sleep pattern. No bullshit. Just a responsible life. 

We are 11 days further, and i have had a tough week. Days with intent and sluggish half-awake days.

Talking here has been a hard counter to depressing thoughts and so much more. How to get out of a rut, etc. I want to talk today about what person i want to be.

Lets start with making a distinction. There are all sorts of people in the world. Writers, singers, workers. I look to the people in my direct surroundings and i see people work, cook, enjoy hobbies, creativity, create furniture, make things, repair stuff. With that in mind i find myself so many times wondering "what is it that those people have, that i don't". After a long line of analyzing i made the conclusion there is no special difference. I read somewhere that this distinction and that line is what creates a wall between me and doing anything. You see, what all these people have in common is that they do the thing they do. To be blunt, a writer is not writer. A writer is a person who writes. For every vocation, from a generalized point of view this applies. 

And here is Rick. Sitting each evening behind his laptop, gaming, watching porn. Occasionally doing something more productive. I am not at a point where i think i'm throwing my life away, but i do find myself shorting myself in life. It is here, in front of me, and i should take it. Enjoy it much more. Be more outgoing, see landmarks, visit family. With gaming, it's all on a very low priority.

I want to pick up where i left, and again complete my list of things i feel i need to do. Furthermore, the next;

  • I want to be a person that writes
  • I want to be a person that listens, and makes contact, someone who can

This was my one step for today. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Let's talk about my intent for the day. Yesterday i read an analogy about a bus driver. In short, every thought i could ever have, past or present is a passenger on the bus, and the driver has all these passengers speak to him in their own way, with their own sorrows and voice. But the driver, is still the driver. Master of his helm and rudder. 

Here's my intent for today;

  • volunteer work this morning
  • workout in early afternoon
  • make dinner late afternoon
  • clean 
  • sit down and relax. Either read a book i just started in, or write here a bit more.

Let's see how this goes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 10/25/2019 at 9:19 PM, Rick Boon said:

I need to post this blog, but i am done for now. Writing takes me a lot more time then i originally estimated. (Resume here)

At last, here is the link; 

i watched that video , for me it  seems like overrated because his progress is way too faster than mine . but it still a good motivation video .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

I was without gaming and porn last week. Friday i reinstalled a game. Played the saturday afternoon, evening and full sunday. Just deleted it again. I want to close this chapter. This drive in me for this imaginary virtual world is insatiable. I need to stop this. I'm not quitting, i'm breathing. I'm not giving up, i am letting go. I am not done, i am simply famished. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Rick. Sorry to hear about your relapse. Is there anything you can do that can physically give you pause before you redownload? For example, if it's something like LoL, could you block the website so if you wanted to go download again, you would have to unblock the site first? It might seem silly, but sometimes that could be enough to stop the momentum of destructive thinking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 5 months later...

I am tired as hell. Sleep has been a disaster, together with my lack of direction and need for stimulation. I cannot find footing.

I've been watching videos about ADHD on youtube for some time, and many things hit home. In the smallest things i recognize certain behavior. Sometimes i'm in need of rest, and i try to find it in an easy-going game. Another time i want action, and i boot a different game up. I feel like i want connection, 'oh i can play that game for that'. This has been going on for a few months now. My awareness has growed but i still dont feel in charge. Sometimes i do, more often not. 

Something i have noticed; when i think about changing things, how i would change them, what i will change i get a very powerful boost, and i relapse almost immediately back into porn and long hours of gaming. Then i feel hopeless again for some time. In about a week it will happen again, rinse and repeat. Now i'm exhausted when i even think about change. But i really want to. I have a couple of reasons for that. 

When i look around, people always seem to live life more fully then me. This is common i guess, especially if you consume a lot of media. Point is, i don't. Barely. But i still want more. I want more then how my parents are now. More then what my old self's future was. He was not a nice person. Inverted, not spending words about anything and no estimates about anything else then gaming. Every day felt like it was my last. It was not a good state.

The reason i turn up here, is so i can read much later how today i took up the lance again. I can't commit to anything i'm afraid. I can't handle it. It will change anyway. Another reason is, today my head is spinning, and i am weary of bad sleep routine, even in spite of having a good night's sleep. I need to write it all down what i'm thinking.

Here are my plans for the upcoming weeks to get through the first phase of withdrawal. 

What i want to do:

  • get back into solid sleep regularity again. My 1# priority.
  • stop pmo, and tackling the habit i created where i do it just before sleeping.
  • withholding numbing my feelings and thoughts by gaming it away. 
  • Engage real life. Be open for experiences, learn to recognize chances. Double down on my good side.
  • Write a lot. Mainly in the evenings, to get to 21:30 so i can go to bed.

What i consider to do:

  • going offline for weekdays, any screens (laptop/tablet) only in weekends
  • a creative way of dealing with cravings. I'm not sure about what or how yet. The conventional ways i found to be lacking interest and excitement. The only one i remember strongly is sitting cravings out, telling myself to see how i feel in 10 or 20 minutes. If i say creative, i'm thinking about "when i crave, i climb a tree". Something in that matter.

 

I feel very accomplished right now. Today i have an appointment with my mental health coach. I do not look forward to it though, but that's more because i say words about change a lot, but not much comes from it. I don't know what i will share with him yet about all of this.

Future Rick, you've got this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Right, i was so muggy that i forgot my inspiration. 

It's this video:

 

It touched me on a few points. mainly the connection part in  recovery progress, and how very important  person's direct environment is, and it's  influence on that recovery. I'll be thinking those concepts over.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Right. I'm one day pmo free. I will celebrate profoundly.

Last night happened what sometimes does happen. I had a great day, and in my head i was already better. So i gamed till 2 am. Not very smart. Today i have a couple of things to do. I will have a good day. i won't game till 2 o clock. My intend is to go at 10. Let's do it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just relapsed into pmo. I want to look myself in the eyes, and say some things. "look forward. Relapse can happen. Don't be stuck in the past. Be aware".

I am here to write down some strategies.

Yesterday i used the "sit it out", and it worked for a day. What makes this difficult is that not 1 strategy works everytime. I will start with 3 different ones

  1. sit the craving out. Be aware that in 10 or 20 minutes it is probably over. Focus on how i will feel later on, knowing i did not give in.
  2. Go for a walk outside. This is slightly harder to do. I dont know why but i find myself hesitating a lot when i think of this. I will walk a 100 meters minimum when i feel a craving i don't want to sit out.
  3. blast some music. I have christian songs, singer-songwriter, lots of my own playlists on spotify. Next time a craving hit, i will start up a song.

Also, i am thinking out loud. Maybe it helps if i rotate these steps. That way, i can perhaps keep their efficiency.

I like this. I will work with this.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Rick Boon said:

I am here to write down some strategies.

Sometimes I just scream "woooo" or make a loud and quick exhale "haaa!" Hahaha! Then, I'll think that, "This craving that I feel is a consequence of my uncontrolled gaming so I need to deal with this mightily." Works almost every time for me! 😂

 

1 hour ago, Rick Boon said:

I want to look myself in the eyes, and say some things. "look forward. Relapse can happen. Don't be stuck in the past. Be aware".

Nice, this is legit braveness! Good luck and take it easy, @Rick Boon😁

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Chiliflavor thanks for that screaming suggestion, i find it awesome and it's right up my alley! Will incorporate it. 

Today is a so-so day for now. I have been thinking about how my dating adventure ended (short-lived), and how i could tackle the questions and doubts i get about myself when i venture that way.

I want to make a mind map of some of these thoughts.

Today, i will be free, and clean of pmo and overly gaming.

Yay

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Alright, i'm still on track. But i have had trouble posting here. I need to arrange my mind, because everytime i start a post, i somewhere in the middle of it stop writing, because i don't know how to proceed.

What i want to do right today is; exercise. I have had some already, and this evening i will finish with calisthenics.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share