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Tzen1

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          Well, today is the first day in trying to clean up my addiction. After almost ruining my relationship with my wife over my addiction to video games its time to scrub down and detox. Day 1 of this journey is uninstalling and removing games, apps, etc from the computer and other devices. I have not bought respawn yet but if I really start to get in a rut by the end of the week it might be time to invest in it. After removing said games it was also time to take it a step further and go ahead and remove anything gaming related as well. Twitch, Subreddits I was subscribed to and any other websites I could think of were removed as well.

          My ultimate goal in my 90-day journey is to either quit gaming forever or get to the point of where I can do it in a healthier manner ( Like 1 hour a day). I really want to spend this time reflecting on my past choices and find a way on how to improve myself. The reason that drove me to do this is how easy it became to lie to my wife for so long. So here is to day 1 of this new journey and going from playing video games to hopefully discovering something new about myself.

-Cheers,

Tzen

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Day 2

         After having everything deleted yesterday the second day became more of a challenge. Having my whole routine go out the window in one day threw me for a bigger loop than I anticipated. While switching what I normally watch like Twitch or gaming videos to other outlets I am interested in like cooking seemed to help move the morning along; the hard part came as the day rolled on. By the afternoon which is when I normally would sit down and start to play something, I felt an emptiness like the black screen on a powered down monitor.  Luckily, my wife and I are moving into a new house so we have plenty of housework to do over there during the day. Getting back home from the house proves another difficult challenge; not relaxing with a good game at night is making the evening time the hardest part of the day. 

      One of the side effects of quitting has already started while laying down in bed I can already hear in-game music and sound effects from games I used to play. Hopefully, it will pass as time moves forward. Another side effect has been the general what do I do with my day now? I know both of these get easier with time but for now, just got to stick with the simple idea that I do not need video games to make it through a day.

        Two challenges that I need to figure out are going to be how to spend my afternoons once all the housework is finished and what my new evening time routine will be. I guess time, trial and error, and patience will be needed. Anyway, have a good day everyone.

-Cheers,

Tzen

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Day 3 ( A little late) As your reading this I'm dedicating this day to my wife who is a saint for staying with me and is now my motivation for this detox.

         Well, it seems these days just don't get any easier at the beginning of this program. Today was a bit of a struggle, this detox is a lot more mental than it looks. The physical aspect of not picking up a controller and playing something doesn't seem so hard to do but what the mind tells you is a completely different beast. Some of you who started to read this journal, which I appreciate it makes me feel like someone out there wants to hear other peoples stories, may wonder why I have so much time during the day. Well, I am a teacher and its summer time. So while I do have a house that I am working on fixing up, once that passes it will be time to fill in the days with something else. While not balancing my gaming hours was part of my problem, on day 1, I stated that I almost ruined my marriage. Financial infidelity, I haven't browsed this website to see if it is mentioned but in laymen's terms, I was lying about money, specifically towards video games. My wife did not really understand my passion that turned into an addiction habit of playing games. So when I tried to ask about buying a new game most of the time it was a no, that's were the addiction turned for the worse.

          As we first got married we decided to get new credit cards ( I know some of you already know where this is going) and we needed to use them to build credit. Well... I thought buying a game here or there would help out, without telling my wife. Financial infidelity came back and nailed me for strike number one. While making purchases with the credit card on other things I would buy I game in there as well and pay it off with the other purchase. As my wife checked my statement and found out her heart broke for the first time and my heartfelt shattered watching the scene unfold. The amount wasn't anything high (<$500) but it was the lying that got to her. Trust was broken and it took a long time to earn back. The addiction, however, was stronger than I imagined. As I thought of new ways to buy games without my wife knowing grocery shopping became the answer. When people go grocery shopping the bill is already going to be decently high so why not add a gift card in there and keep the receipt to still get games? Well, one day my wife checked a receipt and found out; her heart broke again. From that day forward I promised myself that I wouldn't buy another gift card at the store but as my wife puts it "that is just putting a band-aid over the problem".  One day before I started this journal I relapsed and bought a gift card and she found out. My wife, heartbroken for the third time and right as we are working on our first house together. I slept on the couch that night and found the term Financial infidelity and did a lot of reading over the subject. That term and gaming addiction go hand in hand so I had to tackle both problems head-on. In the morning of day 1, after reading a lot about how to deal with Financial infidelity overnight, the number one thing every article said to do was come clean and own your mistakes. So I did, I told her everything and more that I lied about my heart breaking as I'm saying all my lies, the words were hard to get out, but they came forth, and as they left my mouth a huge weight was lifted off my body. With one problem tackled it was time for the hardest part, starting this journal log and work my way towards a better, healthier minded life. Now that you know my background it's on to the entry for day 3

          My morning started off alright but I think its time to start diversifying what I read or watch, I enjoyed reading the news so maybe its time to take that for a spin to shake things up a bit. the daytime is always the hard part. The depression has started to come and go in small waves. While working in the house sanding down different areas I would just stop and lose motivation on the spot for a good couple of minutes. My thoughts soon turned that as I am finished with this day what do I have to look forward to when I get home, what's the plan for de-stressing from the day? those thoughts entered and left my mind making it a bit tough to shake off and keep working. I managed though and we were able to get a good amount of work done. The nice thing about evening time is that after making dinner I am too tired to do much else. That will change in due time but for now, it's helping out.

          Not much else to report about this day but the next day can always bring about something new. Thanks for reading this massive update in the journal log if you made it all the way through and have a great day.

-Cheers,

Tzen   

           

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Day 4

          Busy day which is great to keep my mind off of games! Woke up in the morning and read the news. Seems like this routine might help make my mornings better. Afterwords working at the house mowing the lawn and prepping for paint. Getting back for dinner and relaxation time was filled with looking up appliances and other things for the house. Still having bouts of depression and anxiety about not playing. Sat at the ground looking a spot I needed to paint but my mind flooded with what is your purpose without games? It also doesn't help that I can still hear and visualize games in my head. Staying busy is key to all this but all this work will come to an end and I needbto be prepared!

          Still thinking about what I'm going to fill up the day with but so far it's looking like cooking is the answer. Maybe cycling as well but bikes are expensive now a days. Anyway, another day down 86 to go.

-cheers

Tzen 

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Day 5

          Today was a bit of hard day with so many thoughts flowing in and out. I'm glad I deleted everything media related to gaming. I found my self wanting to wake up and check gaming news as I once had. Sticking to the news and different Subreddits I'm interested in has helped stave that craving. Afternoon was normal, but working at the house, the thoughts really came knocking today. While working in one room alone I did a lot of self thinking and the answer I always came back to was why and how. How did I let it get this bad and why did I not realize it earlier? I think spending some time with my thoughts and answering these how and why questions will benefit me in the long run. As the evening came I made a project of digitizing dvds, videos, and old recordings. Having back up copies of these will come in handy when people don't know what a dvds are. Anyway more work tomorrow!

-Cheers

Tzen

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Day 6

          Man, I cannot believe it's almost been a week already. The cravings are still pretty rough what funny is that I want to play games but I really crave watching twitch and keeping up with the news more. It's been healthy to avoid everything but man it's hard. Mornings seem to be good waking up and reading the world news and getting into a habit of understanding what is going on in this little world of ours. Afternoons and evenings, man, there just so hard to not pick something up and play or watch. My mind thinks of all my memories and how great it is to play. But it is for the best. I'm grateful for Cam in setting all this up and I'm going to beat this 90 day challenge and more. Anyway I'm excited to be finished with week 1 tomorrow! Have a good night/morning/ afternoon everyone.

-Cheers,

Tzen 

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Hello Tzen and welcome to the forums. You are starting off well, turning the page and being honest with your wife.

I would like to suggest that you include a little hobby slot in your busy days already, and not wait till the house stuff is dealt with. There are hobby lists around the website here you can use, but you probably already have ideas about things you might like. Start, don't postpone the beginning, because only by replacement of those gaming hours will you see recovery. 

Another thing is to expect reality. Our brains have gotten rewired by gaming mechanics and as a result we don't get satisfaction from anything real. Everything seems boring at first. This is something you have to accept, and the hardship of the first weeks is something to expect and embrace. You'll be bored and dissatisfied mentally, but that's how you know you're making progress. Boredom is proof you were addicted, and also a stage in this recovery. With time passing your brain will adjust and you'll start enjoying these new activities.

I urge you to begin already, even if you don't feel like it. Trust in the process and experiences of all of us who went through it before you. Don't linger, it wasted a lot of time for me.

Wish you the best. Persevere.

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Day 7 

20 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Boredom is proof you were addicted

          One week is done, while this sounds like a small accomplishment I feel, nothing. Thanks for the tips fawn but that one line is what speaks the most right now. I have a test I can study for that will open up more job opportunities but the housework is taking a lot of my energy at nights (I left this line in because I want to go back and read this. I know it is just me making an excuse to not open my book and that's how much this addiction has affected me). I have been putting my mind into what I am going to do once we move in but the boredom right now, nothing can really hold my attention. I'm not a very artsy person but I thought of today of a drawing series I would be interested in making. The ideas are there and fill my head, but, it's clouded by this addiction. Today, at the one week mark, my mind flooded with what-if scenarios.  What if I didn't play games in college, what if I didn't start buying those gift cards without my wife knowing, what if, what if... While there is nothing we can do but learn from the past it is important that we don't forget it either. We have made these decisions, if they stay bottled up tucked away in our heart then how do we advance as humans mentally? Once the move is over and we are in our house that is when I put all I have into the ideas floating in my head. 

          The day went slightly different today. The morning routine seems to be doing wonders for me right now. Instead of reading gaming news the world news is slowly getting my attention. While I am happy I have conquered that small portion the rest of the day still loomed. We had my wife's parents come over to talk about some repairs that we didn't know much about and were relieved to hear they were minor. While the house still will continue to take up the majority of the afternoons the evening time is when the boredom smacks me in the face. It's funny, how little I touch my PC now that I'm detoxing from games. Most of the time now I turn it on to read and post on here or find prices on hardware for the house. Even right now as I am typing this I want to open a game and play it until I am tired and ready to sleep, but that's the addiction talking. I plan on trying to study tomorrow but my motivation right now is pretty low. But hey, baby steps am I right? Rome wasn't built in a day so why apply that to my mentality.    

          I want to give a shout out to everyone who is posting their journals.  It is really nice to read that we are all on the same boat but different paths and journeys. I am sorry that I don't do the "like" system I never was a big fan of social media or any of the gimmicks of it. But I wanted to note that I really do appreciate everyone's journal entries it's nice not going through this alone even if we are just looking at a screen with words on it. Anyway, onwards to week 2. 

-Cheers

Tzen

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Day 8

          Pretty slow day today. Started off by having a dream I was playing banjo kazooie of all things it was so life like I thought I just ruined my streak already. Happily it was only just that, a dream. Woke up and read the news and some Reddit posts. After a breakfast made by my wife we went to go see her family for most of the day. It was nice to do something other than the house kept my mind off of "other things". When we got home I kept true to my last post and studied for awhile. The motivation was low but picking it up is the important thing. Back at the house tomorrow with more work! 

-Cheers

Tzen

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Day 9

           Well, the sleep schedule is a little off right now but the journal must go on. Today started off a little on the rough side. The thoughts still want to invade my space of playing games it gets mentally exhausting sometimes. The crave also to hop on twitch, youtube some gaming channels, hell even check twitter for gaming news has been the toughest part about this detox. It's funny, seeing how bad social media can get for other people and I am thinking "I just watch games it's different". Well, here I stand working my way out of the pit that I dared not jump in.  As the day went on my wife and I got some more work done on the house. We had our jabs at each other today but we always apologize in the end due to what we agree and disagree with. When we got home in the evening time I did have a small breakthrough. I noticed that I am spending more time with my wife again. Playing games for so long I reflected back on my marriage and realized that I have been distant even though she sits beside me every day. I was so sucked into looking at this little monitor every day that I didn't even realize how much I missed out on in my marriage. So many conversations we could have had and activities that could have been done, gone, because I was wrapped up in grinding for a game. After realizing this I started to feel, empty. Goes back to my entry from day 7 about what-ifs scenarios, well add this to the list. While my wife is still hurt from the lying I feel my connection with her is restrengthening little by little every day. Anyway, have a good morning/ day/night wherever you are.

-Cheers,

Tzen   

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Day 10 and 11

          I'll be combining these two days due to the attempt to fix my sleep schedule yesterday. 

          Day 10 was rough after going to bed at 3:45 am I woke up after 3 hours of sleep because how else do you fix a sleep schedule. But that day was just tiring. Worked at the house came home watched some YouTube (binging with babish) and ate sonic while my wife was out. As soon as she got back we climbed into bed and I was out like a light. Thoughts for games that day were zero as my mind was too tired.

            That brings us to today. I'm glad too say that things are improving on thinking about games. I'm still getting gaming ad emails because once you sign up your there forever. But I can delete those no problem and any ads that come my way I can block and move on. After working at the house me and the wife decided to try pho for the first time today. The food part of pho was eh ,but man the broth, I could drink that all day it was so good! Coming home it's downtime with some Bob's burgers and prep for freedom day tomorrow (July 4th). Here is to hopefully going to sleep early tonight and waking up at a decent hour. 

-Cheers 

Tzen 

Edited by Tzen1
Spelling errors

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5 hours ago, Tzen1 said:

I'm still getting gaming ad emails because once you sign up your there forever. 

I think for most subscription lists, if you scroll down at the very bottom of the email there will be a tiny Unsubscribe text you can click and get out of that mailing list. 

Well done staying with the process man.

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Thanks Fawn and I started to do that now but it's impressive how many places have my email for games. 

Day 12 

          I know I'm writing this the morning of day 13 but as yesterday was July 4th in the U.S. it was a long day. Keeping up the habit of reading the news in the morning I'm slowly starting to learn more and more about this little planet of ours and keeping up with what's going on. After going over to the house and putting some work in it was time to clean up and get ready to see some family. Game thoughts have been almost none still but gaming news and media is still a bit on the tough side. On the way home my wife and I had a nice chat over how I'm doing and right now, im stuck in the middle. I don't feel sad yet, I don't feel happy all the way yet. I feel like I'm stuck in a grey area or neutral feeling if that makes sense. After getting home we watched the end of some fireworks our city was putting on and it was off to bed.

          It's getting a bit easier bit by bit but my goal is to beat September until the end. While my 90 days stop midway in September I know a lot of games I wanted to play come out during this time. I want that month to push me even further and challenge everything I have learned to make it to the end.

-Cheers 

Tzen 

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Day 13

          Today was a long day. Morning routine of reading the news. I'm starting to feel like one of those old people with a newspaper but it's working for me. Afternoon was filled with painting today really worn out. Came home made a quick dinner and after some late shopping for supplies it is now time for some sleep. 

          Sleeping however, is still on the hard side. One thing gaming did was help drain me mentally and I could sleep a bit better. But now, I feel like my mind wanders easier at night because there isn't that stimulation anymore. Also the dreams are very vivid again. Felt like I broke my streak a second time with smash bros on the switch but again it was just a dream. Hopefully these things will pass. But I need to start looking into something that will mentally stimulate me while laying in bed or get used to the fact of not having that anymore. Tomorrow is two weeks!

-Cheers

Tzen

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22 hours ago, Tzen1 said:

But I need to start looking into something that will mentally stimulate me while laying in bed

Have you tried reading? Reading in low light is an excellent activity to help ease your brain into sleep and should provide that mental stimulation you are looking for.

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@NannerZ I need to start, my wife reads a bit before bed so maybe it's time to join her. Also need to get a lower watt bulb; the one in my lamp currently is pretty bright. 

Day 14 TWO WEEKS! 

          I know I'm writing on the morning of day 15 but the house wore me out yesterday. It was more work than just sand and paint yesterday and it feels like I just did a long workout. Morning routine is the same reading the news and catching up on stories from around our little planet. House work was long and tedious but a lot was done. But the hard part was when I was getting back home. The urge to play a game yesterday was pretty high after a long and tiring day. The original way to reward myself was to relax with some games, but not this time. After resting for a bit I did some studying for my test and then enjoyed a nice cup of tea with my wife. As nighttime came around I was really beat from the day and fell asleep pretty fast. Anyway on to day 15 and the beginning of week 3.

-Cheers 

Tzen

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I'm going to combine day 15 and 16.

Day 15

          A slow start day that ended up being very long. Slept in that morning because it was our day off from the house but still had other things to do. Realizing I was meeting family later I forgot that I was planning to mow the lawn. While mowing is hot work in the summer time I oddly enough feel good after I finish. After getting done and cleaning up I met with family. My mind is doing better about not drifting off and thinking about games but I do find myself wondering what's going on in the gaming world. Meeting with family ran late into the evening so when I got home it was prep for bed and straight to sleep.

Day 16

          Started off with a bad nights sleep. Woke up with some worrying enough to go to the doctor for. Got checked out and everything is ok but sometimes the mind like to take it way our of proportion. After the office visit it was grocery shopping and some light work at the house. Coming back home a little late we decided breakfast for dinner and made some eggs and a small amount of bacon. 

         I don't know why this is but not playing video games seems to be easier than not looking up media or watching twitch. It's very interesting to me about why I crave gaming news. Why do I need to know what the latest updates or new videos that are coming out. It still baffles me to know how wrapped up i was in the gaming world that everything else just blew right by me. 

-Cheers,

Tzen 

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Day 17 (writing on day 18)

          Another busy day with the house. Waking up was on a different scale today. While I feel somewhat in control still of not playing games the one time my mind gets to roam free is in my dreams. After sleeping for 10 hours I had a mixed dream of in real life scenarios and the game monster hunter world and boy was that a trip. After waking up my brain was rattled but I got past it and continued on with my day. The normal day so far of wake up, house, come home sleep has helped be consistent for now. But my sleep is still a bit difficult as an empty mind of not playing games leaves it for more space of other thoughts. Been battling these nighttime ramparts of though bombarding my head. There are no bad thoughts in case I was misleading. It's more like Wikipedia were I follow the rabbit hole and my mind can't stop it unless I really focus on stopping my mind.  Anyway, on to the next day.

-Cheers,

Tzen

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On 6/23/2019 at 2:52 PM, Tzen1 said:

Well, today is the first day in trying to clean up my addiction. After almost ruining my relationship with my wife over my addiction to video games its time to scrub down and detox.

Good on you for deciding to join us in your ambition for sobriety - I have a link here to be a help to Newcomers maybe it can be a help, I wish you all the best :286_four_leaf_clover:

Neil

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Day 18

          Thanks for the post @goodvibes I browsed a lot on that link the other day when I saw you link it to someone else's journal it's got some good stuff in there.

           Morning routine was a bit hard after a bad nights sleep. Just wasn't tired and felt uncomfortable all night. Getting up was rough but it was time to get a move on to the house and keep working on it. Afterwards out to eat with family one more time and then head to the store for some supplies. All in all a decent day. Just routine until we finish the house and move in. Some gaming thoughts and craves today seemed a little bit more active today but nothing that can't be tackled. Anyway have a good one.

-Cheers,

Tzen 

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Day 19

          Today was an extremely long day. Woke up early and got to working early at the house. Spent a good amount of time there but man he cravings were high today. I had to block a hard ad that I really wanted to see for the monster Hunter world doc. But I didn't give in blocked it as soon as I saw it like I normally do for anything game related and moved on. Doesn't mean it wasn't hard though. Getting home in the evening I was beat. Had leftovers and it was off too bed. Tomorrow is another long day take care everyone.

-Cheers 

Tzen

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Sorry for these combined days we've been putting some extra hours at the house we are working on and I come home tired.

Day 20

          Wake up and not much time for routine it was one for a long work day. Had some small breakfast and it was off to the races! Worked at the house for the majority of the days and I thought of something that was going to be hard to get out of my head for gaming. Music, I am a big fan of some of the scores that composers make for some games. Dark souls, Zelda, and rocket league to name a few. I caught myself doing a quiet whistle of one of my favorite pieces, file select from Mario 64. I don't know if music will ever leave my mind because the composer in some games make some of the most beautiful music. Other than that though coming is always hard as well because that little crave to play something after a long day just seems so rewarding to treat your self. But just relaxing and hanging with my wife has been a lot better as I feel like I'm not a stone wall anymore. After some tea it was off to bed.

Day 21- Week 3 DONE!

          While not in a rush this morning it was nice to read the news and semi wake up all the way. Another long day at the house. Not so much gaming music going on as it was non stop busy. On the way home though it's hard to find that replacement as a reward or something to relax after a long day. The thoughts pass eventually but it's still tough to push through. Other than that small crave the media side is slowly getting better. I'm beginning to think the media side is what drove me to my bad spending spree behind my wife's back. Always needing the latest and greatest and have that "hot game" coming out. Nothing for cosmetics just the thoughts that a game is on sale so I need to buy it or that game is going to be one of the best it looks like so I need it even if I don't play it. It's crazy to think how much media can influence the mind in the gaming world. Also a "what if" coming in but if I didn't watch or care for the media side of gaming would I be different? Well it's time to relax with a cup of tea again and off to bed. 

          Thanks for reading though the long post have a great day everyone.

-Cheers

Tzen 

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Day 22

          Today was a pretty rough day. No work at the house and depression set in hard today. Did some grocery shopping but spent the rest of the time on my phone and doing nothing. Just one of those days that I need to push through. It will get better. 

-Cheers

Tzen 

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Hey Tzen, good job on not going back to games when you go back home. That seems to be a trigger for you, is there an active but low energy activity you can do instead? It appears that just relaxing doesn't cut it for you so maybe you got to add something in that spare time to replace the gaming slot so to speak?

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@fawn_xoxo I thought about taking up chess again. Learning the strategies and actually investing time in learning to play but I'm concerned that playing online with people would be borderline gaming. So I'm still investigating and reading the hobby page as well.

Day 23

          Today was another hard but eye opening day. We were planning to work on the house but instead my wife and I sat down and had a long discussion over multiple things. I don't want to give details but gaming has impacted a lot of our marriage and hi came to the conclusion that; I was putting gaming first instead of my wife. I wasn't picking up jobs and I would lie just to play games. My brain has been so washed that I have been using games as an escape and it has turned me upside down on how I view life. I think I have a lot longer to go on beating this but I realize now on how bad it really was. 

         Getting back home I started to feel like my normal self. It might take a bit longer to get back to my is self but I'll get there. Anyway back at the house to do actual work tomorrow and the start of being a better husband.

-Cheers 

Tzen

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