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Moe Smith

Revitalizing my passions

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Here's my introduction post if you are interested in reading it for more context. 

 

Today is day 1/90 for my detox. Yesterday I wasn't feeling well so I decided to work from home instead of going into the office. That in itself isn't a big deal, my work is pretty chill about things like that. Instead of working my full 8 hours, however, I probably worked like 2.5 maybe? I was gaming the rest of the time. I justified it because my work load is pretty light at the moment, and I'll be able to make up the lost work this morning. I'm beginning that work right after this post + a shower.

I've done this type of thing before, and it never feels great. Yesterday I put on a pot of water, on high gas, in order to boil some tortellini that I wanted to have for lunch. While I was waiting I went into the other room and kept playing my game. Eventually I started to smell something weird, and thought it was my new laptop getting hot and burning off some production chemicals. Eventually I left the room and went back into the kitchen. It had been hours... I'm not even sure how many hours. The stove was still on high, and my nice pan was now blackened on the outside, it had a film of gunk on the inside of the long evaporated water, and it was giving off a horrible smell that permeated the house. 

I turned it off immediately. As I was staring at it, I started to berate myself mentally. That only lasted a couple of seconds, and was swiftly replaced by a single question. "Is this how I want to live my life?" It wasn't rhetorical, full of self directed malice, or even sarcastic. It was an honest question that would have accepted any answer that came to it. If I wanted my life to include gaming and for things in my life to be easy, I could have said yes to that. In reality though, as soon as I asked the question I knew what the answer was. "No... I want to be a great husband, an incredible caring father, a physically strong and active person, and I want to open a business idea I have that I believe will change the world. None of that is possible for me when I'm playing video games." 

I immediately deleted the games I had on my laptop and my phone, and I packed up all the solo console games in the house. I'll be giving the discs/cartridges I have to some work friends that want them. Now the only thing that remains in my house that I will play is Just Dance for the Switch (which is far closer to a workout video than a video game) and Mario Party (which my 7 year old likes to play as a family for 1 hour every 3 weeks). I also came back to the Game Quitters community immediately, because I know this place works. It worked for me previously, and I was able to make it through a 90 day detox, and a 9 month detox. 

This time something is very strongly different. I'm no longer holding onto the notion that gaming will be alright for me sometime in the future. I've decided that I'm done for the rest of my life. Yesterday was the last day that I will ever exist as a Gamer. From now on, I am a Game Quitter and a Board Gamer (which is a big thing in our family).

Not only that, but I'm also going to reduce the amount of TV I watch. I've recently been very attracted to cooking shows because cooking is one of the things I love to do. Gardening shows have been high on my list as well. I like the sound of sticking to those types because they provide me with knowledge I didn't have before. I'm dropping shows that are purely for entertainment and getting ratings from people based on drama.

Also also, I'm done with porn and masturbation. I've used that as a crutch in my marriage for a while now. My wife knows about it, and she's doesn't care that I do it. So this is purely for me. I don't like the way my mental conversations about women go when I'm watching porn. I get nasty and aggressive and start thinking about women as if the only scenario with them is "Would they look good naked and would I fuck them?". That's not how I normally am. I love women as a group, and I think they should be treated with respect and dignity, and I believe women are not an object. Those two mindsets are obviously at odds with each other so I'm cutting porn out as well. I've also lost touch romantically with my wife and we're not intimate very often anymore. Somewhere along the way I figured "That's ok. If she doesn't want to have sex I can just masturbate instead." This thought gave me permission to stop putting in effort to the romance between my wife and I, and making sure she is in the mood for sex, instead of just putting on the moves and crossing my fingers that she wants to as well. 

Everything that gives me a repetitive and consistent dopamine high without earning it through hard work is out. I want my brain to change and to start feeling my life the way I know it should be felt: Passionately. This entire journey for me is going to be about rediscovering my passions, removing the drunk-like disconnected veil that hangs over my eyes, repairing my relationships, being productive, and making my body strong and capable. 

So that's my brain dump for the day. Things may be this long consistently because I like to write, and I have no problem jotting down all the thoughts in my head. So now I am going to take my first shower as a Game Quitter, sit down at my computer, and get some good work done for the day. Cheers!

 

Be kind to yourself, 

Morgan

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Day 5/90 (5.6% complete! ... until I increase my goal that is), 

It's been a pretty busy few days since I started my new detox. I've been working, dancing, playing games with my family, and having a wonderful Father's Day today. I'm going to be brief because I have more life to attend! Things have been fast moving, but very very good. There are times when gaming is not even on my radar, and it feels great to say that. There are also times when I am tired and I just want to relax for the evening and I catch myself thinking I will play some games. It was a sad moment for me when I realized that wasn't part of my life anymore. 

While it was sad, and I allowed it to be sad for a moment, I changed my attitude and instead I decided to feel strong and proud of myself, even though I was still struggling. 

This time around in my detox, I'm not getting a lot of peer pressure. My main friends who I gamed with have kind of trickled out of my life and I'm focusing on friends where Gaming was never part of the foundation of our relationship. It's highly rewarding to think that if I see those people, there could be a ton of different activities we could do. Historically it's been like... oh what game are we going to play?

 

All and all, it's been pretty easy so far and I'm quite happy with my progress and the results I'm seeing. I feel like I'm beginning to live life again, and actually feel it! I had fun with my kiddo today. I felt a giddy sense of fun when we were playing today. That was worth every struggle I've had this week. I'll keep moving on, and making progress in my life. Eventually I'll stop thinking about gaming, and I'll reach the goals I want. 

 

Be kind to yourself, 

Morgan

 

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