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George Wyatt

My Self Improvement Journal

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Day 29 -- 06/06/19

FOG 92 Days (Free Of Gaming)

FOF 92 Days (Free Of Fapping)

FOP 122 Days (Free Of Porn)

CR 69 Days (Clean Room)

FOSAS 37 Days (Free Of Sugar Added Snacks) (Avoiding added sugar as much as possible, this includes foregoing dessert)

FOYT 37 Days (Free Of YouTube)

WF 37 Days (Drinking water first thing in the morning)

FOE 17 Days (Free Of Earbuds) (With the exception of guided meditation)

NT 6 Days (No Typing) (Not playing typing games)

S30PIU 5 Days (Sub 30 minutes personal Internet use) (This excludes Duolingo, school work and any other truly purposeful use of the Internet, such as practicing origami)

 

Report on where I currently stand 

Had a good day at school. Did my Physics test and it went well. Also realized that I was WAY behind everyone else with the Biology project for Monday... Kind of freaking out about it. I procrastinated from getting started on it when I got home (watched 2 TV episodes). Then I realized that I was procrastinating and put out some reps to clear my mind before getting to work. While working on the project I realized that the people that admire who are punctual with their work aren't about quantity or tackling their work all at once. They really do break it down into pieces ahead of time and chip away at it. I know that in order to improve I need to begin to feel this sense of duty so that even when I don't want to work I do at least a little bit. 

I also need to take a step back from TV because I have now established that I don't feel comfortable going there yet. Living in another world and running from mine is the coward's way out and I don't want to be a damn coward any longer. I want to own up to what needs to be done and do it even if it taxes me. Because that's how I'm going to become the person I want to be.

What I am grateful for today

Today I am grateful that I have good role models that I can look up to.

Wake up time

6:20

Getting to bed before 9:30pm

10:15

Reading

Spent 30 minutes reading Can't Hurt Me in the morning.

Workout

10 minutes jump rope PA

15 minutes ab exercises PA

25 minutes solo track (5 min warm up, 200m, 7x200 (all sub 45s)(30s rest), 5 min cooldown)

15 Push-Ups, 202 Squats, 60 Lunges (putting out reps before Biology Project)

Meditation 

Spanish

Spent 10 minutes on Duolingo in the evening working on (People 2).

Outdoors time

55 minutes track (walking to the track, workout, walking back from the track)

Homework

Spent 45 minutes working on my Biology project.

What happened today

Read in the morning. Drove to school.

1st Period : Worked on Integrals.

2nd Period : Studied Physics and worked on Integrals.

3rd Period : Physics test.

Lunch : Chatted with some friends and walked to an ice cream store with them.

4th Period : Written comprehension pack and worked on Integrals.

PA : Went to get a yearbook photo taken. Then jumped rope for 10 minutes and did ab exercises for 15 minutes.

5th Period : Went to the lab. Experiment with antacids.

After School : Walked home. Upon arriving home, I went to the track and did some sprints. Afterwards I went to the basement and watched 2 episodes of "Designated Survivor" (ate supper between them). This was some serious procrastination that had to be stopped in its tracks. When I realized that I was doing, I went and did 10 minutes of Duolingo and then realized that the reason that I wasn't feeling good and that I was procrastinating was that I am afraid that I won't get my Biology project done after seeing everyone else's coming together. After that, I got down and put out some reps before getting started on it. I haven't gotten very far yet but I'm confident now that, having taken the first step, I can get it done. Doesn't mean that it will be easy; but it's not an impossible task. It's currently 9:05 and I'm going to do the dishes and go to bed. I'm going to get more done with that project tomorrow.

What I could have done better today

Meditation.

What I'm doing tomorrow

Biology Project. International Night (school event).

My Monthly Goal

Maintaining and further developing the habits that I have managed to build over the last two months. Letting go of noting down the amount of time that I spend on things and just letting myself live now that I have a fairly solid arsenal of good habits. Instead, keep track and hold myself accountable through journaling. Allowing myself to try new things and lightening up. Embracing the uncertainty.

Weekly Goals

- Going to bed before 9:30 and waking up at 6:20.

- Doing some meditation.

- Acing my Chemistry test. 

- Acing my Physics test. 

- Finishing my Biology Project 

- Doing something fun and spontaneous!

Current Goals

- Running a sub 3 minute kilometer before I leave for my trip in June.

- Lightening up and trying new things.

- Passing 11th grade with a 96% average or higher (our grades are crazy inflated and I currently have ~97% average).

Edited by George Wyatt
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Days 30 through 32 -- 06/07/19 through 06/09/19

FOG 95 Days (Free Of Gaming)

FOF 0 Days (Free Of Fapping)

FOP 125 Days (Free Of Porn)

CR 0 Days (Clean Room)

FOSAS 0 Days (Free Of Sugar Added Snacks) (Avoiding added sugar as much as possible, this includes foregoing dessert)

FOYT 0 Days (Free Of YouTube)

WF 0 Days (Drinking water first thing in the morning)

FOE 0 Days (Free Of Earbuds) (With the exception of guided meditation)

NT 0 Days (No Typing) (Not playing typing games)

S30PIU 0 Days (Sub 30 minutes personal Internet use) (This excludes Duolingo, school work and any other truly purposeful use of the Internet, such as practicing origami)

 

What happened in the last couple days

The last couple days have been complicated. Long story short, I was assigned a project a couple weeks back and hadn't started yet even though it was due on Monday. 

Friday we did almost nothing at school and in the evening I went to an International Night at my school, but I didn't work on my Biology project.

Saturday, I broke down under the pressure and relapsed in almost all my bad habits. I had allowed the pressure to become to great by leaving a full project to the last minute. I got a little of the project done, but nothing that was really worth much. Still too scared to handle this situation. Went to work from 5 to midnight and that gave me some time to think.

Sunday, I was still relapsing and freaking out. I knew that I could perform at the last minute and still come up with something exceptional, but I also knew that it would take a toll. I got the project done about half an hour ago and now I am just thinking about this whole ordeal.

Report on where I currently stand 

I've been through a lot in the last couple days. I got out of my social bubble by going to the International Night, which was good. But the real important thing in all this was the Biology project and what it taught me. 

I learned that one of my triggers for my bad habits is leaving work to the last minute. This is something that I do a lot and is probably the leading reason that I have these bad habits in the first place. Most of them constitute escapism and allow me to hide from my problems. The issue with this is that I am allowing my obstacles to conquer me. I need to get a jump on my work from now on instead of leaving it to the last minute, because this brings out my biggest weaknesses. 

To move forward at this point, I need to callous my mind and start facing things head on. To start doing things that I don't want to do at all. And yeah, this sounds like an awful idea and a great way to relapse, but I also know that I won't be able to move forward as a person if I don't start facing the uncertainty and the unknown. And I'm scared shitless. But I know that bad habits don't just happen to you; they grow. They are the sum total of all your weaknesses and insecurities. By facing my insecurities, I aim to kill my bad habits at the root by killing off my weakness. Until now I have been fighting symptoms, and that's a good first step, but in order to win this war against myself I need to start going on the offensive. So I will.

(I've been reading David Goggins and yeah, that stuff really sinks in man, I'm starting to think with a whole new mentality about how I have to move forward as a person and what my goal is. My goal isn't to be popular or the best or smart or comfortable. I want to work towards the dark kind of happiness that Goggins has, the kind that comes with overcoming everything that gets in your way, and when nothing's in your way you put something in your way and overcome that too.)

Sorry this was quite a venting session and a bit dramatic but frankly it's where my head is at right now and writing this help has helped me ascertain my convictions before moving forward. This might go really poorly or it might go really well, but either way I have got to try it, because trying new things is all I've got at this point.

 

 

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7 hours ago, George Wyatt said:

To move forward at this point, I need to callous my mind and start facing things head on. To start doing things that I don't want to do at all. And yeah, this sounds like an awful idea and a great way to relapse, but I also know that I won't be able to move forward as a person if I don't start facing the uncertainty and the unknown. And I'm scared shitless. But I know that bad habits don't just happen to you; they grow. They are the sum total of all your weaknesses and insecurities. By facing my insecurities, I aim to kill my bad habits at the root by killing off my weakness. Until now I have been fighting symptoms, and that's a good first step, but in order to win this war against myself I need to start going on the offensive. So I will.

This is not the way towards relapse! This is the way to growth! But I suggest an acceptance approach instead of a fight- accepting those bad tendencies as the younger brother of yours, you wouldn't fight him for acting immaturely would you? You would just accept him and show him a better way. 

Acting differently is how we shape a different identity. If you like to identify as a hard worker, you don't need to like doing the work in time, you just need to DO THE WORK in time. The result is what we want but the process is hard, as it should be for anything worth it.

Keep on moving forward! Mistakes is how we learn what we need to fix.

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Thanks fawn. I was really out of it last night. Gonna take some time to evaluate how I approach this before diving in but I agree that being aggressive and extreme is not the way. Frankly I think I was still in shock last night at how the last couple days went down and I was focusing on the negative instead of being reasonable. There were some plusses to what happened. I managed to not relapse into gaming or porn, which is massive! I think I was under the illusion that I had somehow magically transformed all these things when in reality it's going to take a lot longer and a lot more work to do it. That said, this is obviously an improvement over what has happened previously with projects like these pre game quitting. I'm still tired as hell and kind of out of it, will put some thought into this. 

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Ordeals are great, if you take them the correct way. If all you get from them is bitterness and resentment or just look elsewhere, ignoring the experience, that's not good. Trying to learn from them or even better, doing something to counteract them in the future is the way to go, as you are trying to solve the problem (project time-management) of the problem (biology project).

It might even be that the longer the ordeal lasts, the greater the lesson learned. Unsurprisingly, relationships teach you that really well.

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You're 100% right Ikar. I spiraled in the aftermath of this ordeal and it took me some time to get my mind together and formulate a game plan. Time management and responsibility are domains that I need to work at in order to prevent these situations in the future (because they are really, really not fun or good in any way...). I've put together a game plan that I will implement soon and will post with my next journal entry.

I really appreciate your response! Thank you 🙂 

Edited by George Wyatt
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Day 33 -- 06/10/19

FOG 96 Days (Free Of Gaming)

FOF 1 Days (Free Of Fapping)

FOP 126 Days (Free Of Porn)

CR 0 Days (Clean Room)

FOSAS 0 Days (Free Of Sugar Added Snacks) (Avoiding added sugar as much as possible, this includes foregoing dessert)

FOYT 1 Days (Free Of YouTube)

WF 0 Days (Drinking water first thing in the morning)

FOE 1 Days (Free Of Earbuds) (With the exception of guided meditation)

NT 1 Days (No Typing) (Not playing typing games)

S30PIU 1 Days (Sub 30 minutes personal Internet use) (This excludes Duolingo, school work and any other truly purposeful use of the Internet, such as practicing origami)

 

What happened today

Woke up at 6:20. Walked to school.

1st Period : Drew and zoned out in class. Our teacher handed out some new homework.

2nd Period : Handed in my biology project. I knew that it wasn't my best work, but I've come to terms with that. Then we received our review sheets for the test on Thursday.

3rd Period : Watched our Rube Goldberg project videos. Then had a free period. Spent it playing cards with Justin and Will.

Lunch : Went for a walk and contemplated how to move forward.

4th Period : Went to an award presentation. It was fairly boring.

PA : Spent half an hour stretching in the weight room.

5th Period : Went to finish the antacid experiment at the lab. Officially the last piece of chemistry work for the year. We are now done chemistry class.

After school, I went to the theater and spent 3 hours doing lighting for Mrs. Michelle's student play. The show is tomorrow night. After that, I walked home and ate supper. Then I did the dishes, drove out to pick up my mom from the airport, had a good conversation with her about my ordeal with the biology project and then came home and ate some candy with her and my sister. Now I'm writing this (9:22) and afterwards I plan to shave and wash my face before going to bed.

EDIT : Ended up watching some of the raptors game with my mom, then washed and shaved my face and went to bed at 10:50.

I've also made a plan for moving forward. I am going to go with my tried and true method of slowly building habits. However, I will be focusing more on my schoolwork and acquiring some responsibility. This means doing more housework and generally doing the right thing when presented with the option to work or quit. I've identified one of my biggest weaknesses as being the fact that for all my life I have had things handed to me and rarely have to do much work myself. I believe that this is what led to me gaming, developing a multitude of bad habits and being generally lazy. In order to overcome this, I think that housework and responsible daily study will be the key. 

My goal at this point is to develop responsibility, getting back into my good habits, trying new things and generally doing the thing that I think is the right one. This means that when presented with the choice between working and escaping that I will pick the work, because the escape doesn't get me anywhere. I noticed that tonight, that I am presented with various choices through out the day and that I usually take the path of least resistance. It really is important that I develop the responsibility and discipline required to make the decision that is best for me. I don't expect this change to happen overnight. It really does come down to the little things. But in the end, they are what matter most.

Edited by George Wyatt
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Day 34 -- 06/11/19

FOG 97 Days (Free Of Gaming)

FOF 2 Days (Free Of Fapping)

FOP 127 Days (Free Of Porn)

CR 0 Days (Clean Room)

FOSAS 0 Days (Free Of Sugar Added Snacks) (Avoiding added sugar as much as possible, this includes foregoing dessert)

FOYT 2 Days (Free Of YouTube)

WF 0 Days (Drinking water first thing in the morning)

FOE 2 Days (Free Of Earbuds) (With the exception of guided meditation)

NT 2 Days (No Typing) (Not playing typing games)

S30PIU 2 Days (Sub 30 minutes personal Internet use) (This excludes Duolingo, school work and any other truly purposeful use of the Internet, such as practicing origami)

 

What happened today

Woke up at 6:20. Worked on a Sudoku, did some dishes, put away some other dishes and changed the milk and hemp seed bags. Washed my face. Walked to school.

1st Period : Worked on Integrals.

2nd Period : Studied Biology and worked on the formative pack.

3rd Period : Studied Biology and worked on Integrals.

Lunch : Worked on Integrals, then chatted with friends. 

4th Period : Kahoot + 5 minutes leg stretches.

PA : 5 minutes jumping rope + Integrals + Biology study.

5th Period : Biology Study. In the last 10 minutes I mentally fell apart. Just kept my head down on my desk till the bell rang.

After school, walked home with my sister (I didn't talk at all). Spent the next hour and a half alternating between crying and looking up google facts on depression. Not fun, but came to the conclusion that I am depressed. Had a conversation with my mom about it. She was very supportive. Ate some food and then drove over to do my volunteer work (lighting) for Mrs. Michelle's play (about 2 hours total). Afterwards, talked to a good friend a bit and drove home. Ate supper. Now I'm typing this (8:51). Going to shave and wash my face and then do a little bit of Biology. Then I'll go to bed. It's been a long day and I need some sleep.

EDIT : Ended up making some herbal tea (peppermint and vanilla), reading 10 minutes of Anna Karenina, washing my face, trimming my nails and then going to bed at 10:10.

The plan for tomorrow

Wake up 6:20. Do a morning activity (exercise, meditation or stretching). Maybe do some reading and spanish. Have breakfast and try drinking some tea. Take a shower and wash my face. Walk to school. At school, study Biology for the test tomorrow. Definitely get in a workout before the end of the day (I mentally need it haha).

Edited by George Wyatt
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Day 35 -- 06/12/19

FOG 98 Days (Free Of Gaming)

FOF 3 Days (Free Of Fapping)

FOP 128 Days (Free Of Porn)

CR 0 Days (Clean Room)

FOSAS 0 Days (Free Of Sugar Added Snacks) (Avoiding added sugar as much as possible, this includes foregoing dessert)

FOYT 0 Days (Free Of YouTube)

WF 0 Days (Drinking water first thing in the morning)

FOE 3 Days (Free Of Earbuds) (With the exception of guided meditation)

NT 3 Days (No Typing) (Not playing typing games)

S30PIU 3 Days (Sub 30 minutes personal Internet use) (This excludes Duolingo, school work and any other truly purposeful use of the Internet)

 

What happened today

Woke up at 6:20. Worked on a Sudoku. Washed my face. Went to school.

1st Period : Worked on Integrals and chatted.

2nd Period : Studied Biology.

3rd Period : Free period. The whole class played just dance. I did 2 rounds. Not counting this as gaming because although it was a fun experience I don't plan on repeating it on a regular basis. 

Lunch : Went for a walk around the block and chatted with friends. Someone brought me a cookie!

4th Period : Scattegories and eating cake with the drama class (the show went well last night and they invited me to come celebrate).

No PA.

5th Period : Chatting with friends, playing Rummy and doing class Kahoot games.

After school, walked home and spent 45 minutes on Duolingo doing general review. Had some chai green tea and went for a 50 minute run (including warm up). Did a little biology. Washed my face. Went to bed at 10:40. 

Edited by George Wyatt

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Day 36 -- 06/13/19

FOG 99 Days (Free Of Gaming)

FOF 0 Days (Free Of Fapping)

FOP 129 Days (Free Of Porn)

CR 0 Days (Clean Room)

FOSAS 0 Days (Free Of Sugar Added Snacks) (Avoiding added sugar as much as possible, this includes foregoing dessert)

FOYT 0 Days (Free Of YouTube)

WF 0 Days (Drinking water first thing in the morning)

FOE 4 Days (Free Of Earbuds) (With the exception of guided meditation)

NT 4 Days (No Typing) (Not playing typing games)

S30PIU 4 Days (Sub 30 minutes personal Internet use) (This excludes Duolingo, school work and any other truly purposeful use of the Internet, such as practicing origami)

 

What happened today

Woke up at 6:20. Worked on a Sudoku and had some chai green tea. Studied biology for 10 minutes before walking to school to study until the test. Once people started to show up, we all quizzed each other. Went for a walk for about half an hour somewhere in the middle because I needed a break. Did the exam at 1 and it went well. Then chatted with some friends and then with Auriane for a while before walking home with my sister. 

After school, I ate some chicken pot pie (leftovers) and finished a sudoku. Then did some reading about yoga. Ran a sub 2 minute 600m and then ate supper. Drove my sister out to her riding lesson and spent an hour and a half just chilling with the horses. Drove her back after, spent a couple minutes on Duolingo working on my plural verbs, and now I'm planning to wash my face and go to bed.

The plan for tomorrow

Nail the french exam. Study math in the afternoon. 

Edited by George Wyatt

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Day 37 -- 06/14/19

FOG 100 Days (Free Of Gaming)

FOF 0 Days (Free Of Fapping)

FOP 130 Days (Free Of Porn)

CR 0 Days (Clean Room)

FOSAS 0 Days (Free Of Sugar Added Snacks) (Avoiding added sugar as much as possible, this includes foregoing dessert)

FOYT 0 Days (Free Of YouTube)

WF 0 Days (Drinking water first thing in the morning)

FOE 5 Days (Free Of Earbuds) (With the exception of guided meditation)

NT 5 Days (No Typing) (Not playing typing games)

S30PIU 0 Days (Sub 30 minutes personal Internet use) (This excludes Duolingo, school work and any other truly purposeful use of the Internet, such as practicing origami)

NTV 0 Days (No Television)

 

What happened today

Woke up at 5:50. Read Red Notice for 35 minutes. Had some chai green tea, worked on a sudoku and then walked to school. I feel confident about my french exam which took about two and a half hours. Walked home after and had lunch, worked on some sudokus and then proceeded to go on a TV binge. My dad knocked me out this long enough to go for a 30 minute 5k run, later go on a drive up to Costco and even helping him reorganize the fridge, but I always returned to the TV and now I'm up late. It's obviously being triggered by something that is weighing on my mind.

I spent a lot of my day escaping. It could be that I'm worried about my exam on Monday (didn't touch my math all day). I also think that the realization that I'm almost done high school and have developed very little is freaking me out. I'm looking around me and seeing people who have built their lives through hard work and have actual goals. I, on the other hand, have always been a piece of dissociation, I just wouldn't admit it. I would judge myself really hard and tell myself that I could do better ; that I could do incredible things. That I was an incredibly competent person. I would fantasize. But when it comes down to it, I have always been lazy and afraid. I don't really know how to face that. I know that not delving into escapism is the first step, but every time I take a step forward I feel like I take two steps back. I just reached 100 days without gaming and I don't even feel like celebrating. I feel like I'm letting myself down and not doing as well as I should. This might stem from last weekend, which was difficult, or this week which hasn't been much better, but I just feel like I don't know where I'm heading. I know that this is part of embracing the uncertainty of life and that overcoming this is important, but I feel like it's an endless slog. And it's not as though I don't do well at school. I'm one of the top students. But that just makes it harder, because I know that I'm not developing important study and disciplinary habits that I'll need in the future and there are certain expectations and assumptions people make about me because of my grades. It's also the end of the school year and Monday is my last exam (calculus). After that, the training wheels are off and I have to get through the summer. Having that much time on my hands is a scary prospect. Last summer, I played video games all day every day during the summer. I don't want to be that person but I'm afraid that I'll become like that again. I'm just feeling the pressure. Got to get my thoughts together and figure out a game plan and accept that I can't control everything. It's late (11:35) and I'm calling it a night.

 

Edited by George Wyatt
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You do need a plan, but you also need to realize you're still be early in this, you caught the addiction at an early stage and you can do so much because of that. At first we all feel lost, and now after almost 200 days and 175 gaming free I will tell you I'm still lost in ways, it's just I've accepted this is how things will be. We can't discover ourselves in a month, but we can try things we think we might enjoy, for a month. This will give us the knowledge of whether we do enjoy that or not.

So my suggestion is, plan of things to try this summer. Try, and fail, cause failure is how we get smarter in our attempts. 

I have also been lazy, but the good thing is we're not defined by how we were, but by how we act in the present moment. And being hard working isn't pleasant in the present, but when you're done with a day of hard work you get this satisfaction and that's how you get nice things in life, by choosing to do the unpleasant ones first. 

It's all in your hands, you're young and you got a lot of time to "fail". So do it! 

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Day 38 through day 42  -- 06/15/19 through 06/19/19

FOG 105 Days (Free Of Gaming)

FOP 135 Days (Free Of Porn)

NT 10 Days (No Typing) (Not playing typing games)

FOF 0 Days (Free Of Fapping)

Working back into habits slowly. Had a hard depressed stretch. Doing good now. Read Bill Browder's "Red Notice" over the weekend. It was interesting.

Edited by George Wyatt

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Day 43  -- 06/20/19

FOG 106 Days (Free Of Gaming)

FOP 136 Days (Free Of Porn)

NT 11 Days (No Typing) (Not playing typing games)

FOF 1 Days (Free Of Fapping)

Had a fairly lazy day. Watched a lot of tv, but also spent some time thinking about my journey thus far. I've realized that although I've come quite a way, I haven't really addressed the needs that gaming fulfilled. Answering those four needs going into summer is something that I really want to try. I've outlined a rough daily structure to test out tomorrow and in the coming days. We'll see where it goes from there. 

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