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Day 37 On Monday I decided that I needed to stick to getting up at around 5 - 5:30 am. Several of the self help books I am listening to on audio ( not nice by Aziz Gazipura, and the 5 second rule by Mel Robbins) are advocating taking a freezing cold shower, which does not feel fantastic at 5:30 but I persevered , it felt horrific but I endured it. Today was  a commute day so I was in the car early and up to the office. When I came back I went to the gym and focused on weights with some light cardio as my legs were still sore from the previous day.

Day 38 Again I was up for 5am, the problem is I tend to procrastinate on my phone for a while before getting up , so I didn't get much done. Although I did have another cold shower and this time it did not feel as bad as before. After work I hit the Gym again with a little bit more cardio and focused on my arms and did some light squats. I also had a house viewing straight after work.

Day 39 I got up at 05:30 today and then got ready for another commute, unfortunately I still procrastinated and therefore didn't get much done but I got to work and had a good day . One of my mates said he was free so I got him a day pass for my gym and we just chilled in the Sauna and jacuzzi for a while.

I came home having finally decide which house I wanted to move into and I found it had already gone! so I panicked and went for my second choice which is closer to work but out of town, and I will be sharing with five other people. I had a really bad bout of anxiety due to the uncertainty of the situation.

Day 40  I got up at 5 again today as I had to catch a train at quarter past seven to do a two hour commute, I had a pleasant morning walk to the train station and then got on the train. Now because I had not been organised I had no seat reservation and this normally a busy train. If the seat is empty then it is ok to sit there until the person who reserved the seat comes along. As we are English this normally involves a really awkward conversation and shuffling. Normally I am quiet nervous about this so I will not sit down and instead stand for the best part of two hours, but not today. Today I plucked up the courage and sat down and got a seat for the entire journey , both ways. The purpose of todays commute was to deliver a feedback presentation to a group of people including a deputy director, this was a bit of a risk as it was outside my usual work responsibilities but it landed really well and has prompted some cross departmental working that has long been needed.

Once home I went straight to football, we got absolutely hammered 10-3 but honestly , I was shattered.

Day 41 Up later today at 06:30 but I was easy on myself due to the long day I had yesterday I got into work and caught up with my team leader who came up to visit me. One of the questions I asked her was if she would be happy for me to join the Army Reserve as this is something I have wanted to do for years but I never plucked up the courage. She was keen that I did it which means I will now be looking into it. I then left work and drove down to my mums which is a two hour drive away (ironically less than 30 miles from where my meeting was yesterday, which is just bad planning.) I haven’t seen my mum in 4 months, so it was a good time to go back.

Day 42 up at 08:00 which isn't bad for me and a weekend, I met up with a mate who lives near to my mums and we went down town to browse. We talked about gaming as we used to do a lot of it together and whilst he still games on his laptop he got rid of his PS3 and 4. I took a load of my games and sold them to a store, which was a good feeling. He explained to me that he now spends most of his time either with his daughter and out taking photos with a camera he got for his birthday, He has a lot of followers on Instagram(10,000 plus) and if I’m honest I did feel a bit jealous. We then went back to his and watched the football.

We then all went out for a meal with my mum and his family it was really good. But when I came home I found myself reminiscing on the days we would spend in his bedroom playing COD and how I was almost frustrated that we had grown up and led different lives, and how he has a family and a daughter and a hobby that just isn’t gaming.

Day 43 Sunday, I woke up at 08:00 again and had a bit of a slow day. It is remembrance Sunday here in the UK today so I watched some of the procession. I wanted to go for a walk but I didn’t have time so I went out for tea with mum and some of her friends. I then drove back up to my house and I feel knackered. I am going to catch up with this weeks Doctor who and then go to bed.

Whilst I was writing this I realised I need to be updating this journal more frequently as I am skimming over some of the details and also some of the following points came up.

·       Quitting games has given me the chance to look inward to try to understand why I am the way I am, like its been mentioned in the past I see gaming as an addiction symptom like alcohol or drugs, which means there is a lower lying issue. I have been exposing this and confronting the root cause. It is not pleasant but I do feel I need to detail some of it on here, so a word of warning my posts may get a bit more honest in the days to come.

·       I also need to be forward planning some stuff, a lot of my time is taken up by procrastination and I need to have some more clear objectives moving forward.

That’s all for now.

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Well I didn't quite stick to the promise of updating daily, but I am honestly finding that I just simply don't have the time on many days. So this is the next best thing, getting in a quick entry before work.

Day 44  So I managed to roll back into the 5am start from the weekend although this did leave me feeling tired , I went to work and got in for 7am but then I had a full on day. I was hoping to get to the gym before my counselling session however this did not happen so I had to go after, I didn't even see my front door until 9pm.

In my counselling session we discussed a lot, I think quitting games had allowed me that space to look inward and think about myself and why my self esteem is so shatteringly low and why I suffer anxiety over the smallest things. Reflecting back on my childhood I realised that I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother, let me be clear it's not nessesarily her fault , she was a victim of circumstance but ultimatly for me this is the route cause. I remeber as a child I would retreat into my room to play games to get away from criticism and being bullied, and this past correlates quite strongly with my issues in the present.

In order to change my future I need to reframe the past.

Day 45 I was up at 06:30 today, not a defeat strictly speaking as I realised that i'm burning the candles at both ends and this is nearly impossible to stop. I went into work to a numberof very positive emails from apresentation I did lat week. So just to provide some context, work is probably the place I feel most confident but I still feel there is a need for me to be more assertive when dealing with people. So I have been working on this recently, not easy when a lot of the people I deal with are senior managers.

I went to the gym after work and then I went round a work friends to have tea with him and his wife, it was really good, we talked a lot around what I was going through and their words and confidence in me is encouraging . I have felt a lot more confident in myself over the past few days, recognising and trying to address the core of my problem.

For the time being hobbies have gone to the way side. I am on holiday to Dublin next week and planning for that and planning to move house is taking up the remainder of my spare time. Once they are out of the way I will then have a look at picking something up.

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Day 46  total failure I stayed in bed till 07:00 but I absolutely needed it after the late nights, Work hasn't been too bad recently as things have calmed down slightly ( I haven’t got a clue how long this will last) and that’s good, it is giving me time to think. There is due to be another job coming up which is the same grade as mine but is permanent, so I am keeping an eye out for that although competition will be fierce.

I had an opportunity a couple of days ago to attend a lecture that was outside of office hours but I thought might be useful for my job. I stalled on it slightly but then asked for a ticket, I ended up on a waiting list and then I got a space when someone dropped out. Earlier in the week a place was confirmed and I could attend. I was thinking as I drove there that if I had still been playing computer games I would have never taken up this opportunity, staying at home would have been easier and more comfortable.

So anyway, I rock up to the lecture and wow it was a really good lecture and is perfectly aligned with something I am looking at at the moment inside my own organisation it was amazing. Now I could really use her input into some of the work I am looking at doing, but I felt the old familiar fear coming up, I had to introduce myself to her in order to speak. Here’s the other thing, from a distance she looked in her forties but on closer inspection she was a lot younger, near to my age and quite attractive. Don't get me wrong i'm not trying to hit on her but it ups the intimidation factor for me

Anyway after a slightly awkward few minutes I get my chance and speak to her , the conversation went really well and  she said she would be keen to look at ways that she could apply some of her theory’s to my organisation and that I should email her about meeting up for coffee, result! I couldn't believe how what I thought was a minor opportunity has turned around so fast.

 

Day 47 A bit better up at 06:30, not great but I didn't get home last night until after 11:00 so that is probably why. To be fair I was out of the house before 07:30 to go to a meeting at Police HQ. I wanted to get in early because parking is always a nightmare and it was today. Lucky I got in and got a space which is always a result. Before the meeting started, I sent an email to the doctor who delivered the lecture I went to yesterday, the old doubts and self-criticism entered my head again. “she won’t respond”, “she was only saying it to placate you”. I worked through it anyway and sent it, I got a response back in the hour and we are going to meet up and chat about how we can collaborate, I felt genuinely excited at this.

After work I went to play football we lost the match 4-1 but we get additional points for weight loss, one of these targets is to lose 5% of your body weight, Well tonight I have hit my 5% target which counts as three goals , this plus other points meant we won the combined scores game and it means we won!

The past 24 hours have been surreal but amazing, and I really can’t help but think I would have never taken these opportunities if I hadn’t have given up the games.

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So trying to update my journal every day is failing spectacularly but here goes

Day 48 A fairly standard day, I know I am on leave so I get 'demob' happy and I am not as productive during work, but I recognise that this is down to going on leave . I get home and pack my bags as I am away most of next week . I go to the gym and manage to stumble out with having done a half decent workout. I honestly do feel like I need both a physical and mental break. It has been six weeks since I started going to the gym and I need to recoup some energy. I am actually looking forward to having time off.

Day 49 Today I drove down to see my mates down in Coventry, we meet up every year for a evening to have a meal together and a few drinks. Two of us are now single recently and the other one is still engaged. So, a lot of the discussion revolves around this. It’s a really nice night and I wish it would happen more often.

Day 50 Drove the relatively short distance to my mum’s house as I am staying here over night ready for Monday. I went to a really nice barbers and got a nice haircut which ahs really boosted my confidence, But honestly for the rest of the day I have just sat in front of the TV watching programmes and films.

Day 51 is today and its early in the morning here, Today is the day that I go on holiday on my own for the first time and I am terrified , I just hope I remember everything and don’t forget. I am off to Ireland to stay in Dublin for a few days which is something I would never have even considered till starting this journey it was all simply too difficult to do.

But I had a week off and I knew I would struggle to not play games if I didn’t fill that week, So here I go, wish me luck.

 

I am not 100% sure if I can get Game Quitters in Ireland(I probably can) but if not I will see you all the a few days, All the best.

 

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Thank you for sharing all of this.  Hearing the journey of someone who is a lot farther than me really helps.  I also experienced similar circumstances in my childhood and turned to other addictions, from which I have stayed sober for a year.  Now I'm working at gaming.  The "clearing" that happens after ceasing addicting behavior results in that awareness of deeper feelings.  Man, that is tough.  But I remember that they were always there, causing misery in the form of addiction.  At least this way, with the bad feelings, I can actually do what the better part of myself wants to do.  Keep it up and go easy on yourself my friend.

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On 11/19/2018 at 7:47 PM, padreman said:

Thank you for sharing all of this.  Hearing the journey of someone who is a lot farther than me really helps.  I also experienced similar circumstances in my childhood and turned to other addictions, from which I have stayed sober for a year.  Now I'm working at gaming.  The "clearing" that happens after ceasing addicting behavior results in that awareness of deeper feelings.  Man, that is tough.  But I remember that they were always there, causing misery in the form of addiction.  At least this way, with the bad feelings, I can actually do what the better part of myself wants to do.  Keep it up and go easy on yourself my friend.

Thanks Padre, I'm really happy that this is helping you with your own healing. I agree with you , the deeper feelings are always there and now its time to expose and deal with them. Hope you are doing well.

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On 11/19/2018 at 10:08 PM, Samon said:

Have fun in ireland mate! 

Also feel free taking some rest from the gym, its called deload and totally okay.

Its more the weekly football weigh ins that I need to be careful about haha, I havn't weighed myself yet this week, but I bet I have put weight on, but thank you hope you are doing well.

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Wooo I’m back today is day 56 and its the first time I have had a chance to get on the computer and update everyone

So yeah, I have come back from Dublin on Thursday but things were a bit manic, so I have waited till today to post

 

So Dublin was ...a really great experience

I was so nervous getting to the airport to fly out that it was unbelievable, I literally had to break the journey down into small steps along the lines of

"right just get to the train station"

"Just get to the next Train station"

"Just get to the airport....so on and so forth"

There were a few stages where I could feel the fear and resistance in my legs, and that I just wanted to turn back and run back to comfort, but I persisted. I had so many fears in my head such as "will the plane crash?" "Will I have a room at the Hotel?" "Will my luggage go missing?". But none of that happened and instead I just got on the plan and took off.

As the plane took off, I had such a weird sensation, I totally forgot that I actually enjoy flying! It seems ridiculous now but when I was younger, I loved flying in planes and taking off and landing, What happened between then and now? It was such a bizarre feeling.

The plane landed at Dublin and then I got the bus towards the hotel, luckily albeit completely unintentionally the bus turned up right outside the hotel. There was no need to panic I had a room, So I got settled in and then though "What now?”. I had spent so much time worrying about the trip I had literally planned nothing in.

I hadn't come all this way to stay in my room, so I went out into the night and just walked around for a bit. I then went into a pub to have a Guinness, I got chatting to some of the locals and we watched the Ireland vs Denmark game (it was a bore draw) But I ended up having a few pints there and then going home.

(image.thumb.png.1289e5285a9b65327cd51fdbe5f4c36c.png

(Just though I would randomly stick in this lovely photo of the GPO that I took)

The next day I did more walking ( I did an awful lot of walking in total something like 40 - 50 km's in a 72 hour period)  down the other side of the Liffey taking photographs as I went along.  I then went to the General Post Office (GPO) the scene of the Easter rising in 1916. It was amazing to still be able to feel the bullet holes on the columns. After that I met up with some relatives, I thought it was only for lunch but it ended up being for an entire evening session of drinking which was good.

The next day I got up early and walked to the National Museum of Ireland which for me felt like a spiritually fulfilling visit. I got to see a lot of the items that still form a part of my own history. Whilst I was at the museum I noticed the Guinness brewery on the opposite bank of the river and decide on a whim to visit. It was good I got to see the skyline of Dublin and pour a proper pint ( As shown below)

 

image.thumb.png.58efea4a1ca0c8bf78cee1fec086798c.png

After that I went on a Bus tour and went our in Temple Bar, where I bumped into a group of Germans and we started chatting about stuff for a bit. I ended up going to a few pubs  having quite a few drinks and staying out till closing time.

On my last day I could feel the pangs of sadness coming over me as it was time to leave, I found myself wishing I could have booked one more day, but unfortunately it was time to go. I had some nerves around the airport but these were not as bad as the flight out even if I ended up scanning my boarding pass wrong. Whilst in the airport I went and grabbed some souvenirs of my trip, and then headed back home.

Back in the UK the weather was really grey and overcast, not nice at all, which wasn't great. My mum picked me up from the station and I pretty much went straight to bed for an hour.

Yesterday I ended up travelling back to my home but I had to pick up keys for my new room on the way, which was in all honesty a bit daunting, But I felt better after coming back from Dublin and even a little excited that I was moving on.

I saw my councillor in the afternoon as well and he said it was great that I had been abroad and that I was becoming a new person by virtue of travelling on my own, He asked me to list what I had achieved for the first time in travelling to Dublin there was a few things so I though I would list them here.

  • First time I have booked and organised a holiday on my own

  • First time I have booked and stayed in a hotel on my own for pleasure

  • First time I have flown on my own

  • First time I have stayed abroad on my own

  • First time I have been on a night out on my own

  • First time I have been at an airport on my own

  • First time I have gone into a pub on my own (with the exception of waiting for other people)

  • First time I have been to a museum on my own

  • First time I have done a bus tour and first time I have done a bus tour on my own.

Looking back it is quite a list of achievements and I do feel differently about things, I do feel that I have come back a different person, which is good. Things that scared me before I have overcome and I hope I have come back with a renewed sense of confidence.

 

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You are doing so well, you should be very proud of yourself!

You faced your fears (and I know exactly what you mean with those descriptions!) and you stayed with the negative feelings without giving up, which made your brain realize it wasn't that bad as the end results proved to it that the fears weren't based in reality. You are now stronger than before in this aspect of life and mental health too!

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16 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

You are doing so well, you should be very proud of yourself!

You faced your fears (and I know exactly what you mean with those descriptions!) and you stayed with the negative feelings without giving up, which made your brain realize it wasn't that bad as the end results proved to it that the fears weren't based in reality. You are now stronger than before in this aspect of life and mental health too!

Thank you Fawn for your kind words , you are absolutely right and I think this is the core at the heart of everything. I spent my life seeking comfort but in the end comfort will kill me. I need to face my fears, gaming was my comfort my way to escape from those fears, but how many oppertunities have I missed because I didn't just push through them.

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Day 57 So Saturday was an interesting day. I have the keys for my new room now, so part of me knew I should be packing. But my counsellor suggested that I pick up a book to read called Yes man by Danny Wallace( For those not in the UK you may be more familar with the film based on the book with Jim Carey) The nearest bookshop with it in stock was 20 miles away. So I jumped in the car and drove over there and when I got there I decided to stay for a coffee as well. After that I went home and stareted to pack some stuff. 

Day 58  On a whim I decided to go and join one of the meetup groups I have signed up to for a walk, I actually joined this group three years ago before my relationship, but I only ever went a few times,  its sad come to think of it that I didn't go more regularly. Anyway I turned up at the meeting point and met everyone, there was twenty of us in total and two of them were new like me ( well I guess I might be newish) I spoke to the two new guys for ages, there we both older than me ( 40's and 50's) one was a larger than life character who had an interest in offroading and the other was a property lawyer which was an interesting discussion seeing as I am looking to buy a house. It was so good to be out in the fresh air and I also manger to snap some really good photos of the sunset, The walk took 4 hours and 1570 calories which is not bad for a whim.

image.thumb.png.7b619176fccf5a4ffbb54ba069388f55.png

(Wouldn't have seen this if I had been stuck inside on games)

Day 59 So I have taken two days off work to pack my stuff and move into a new house, Ill be honest I spent most of the day nervous as I am leaving a place with so much emotion attached  to it. My mind can't help but bring up how another failed relationship has left me here and why did I have to do this to myself, why did I have to throw this away to go on games. My mind has literally been all over the place and I just have to take things one step at a time.

In the midst of all the anxiety I decided to take a break and go to the gym,  I hammered through a work out and then bumped into one of the gyms I have gotten to know recently. He effectivly sat me down on a rowing machine to do a further ten minutes rowing on top of my workout.

I then went to the shop to buy some over cleaner and hammer the oven before moving out which brings another achievement

  • First time I have cleaned an oven

Day 60 (2/3rds through wooo) So yeah despite my little bit of happiness today has been really tough, I have had to move most of my stuff out of the house and into my room at the new house. It feels like a chapter of my life is closing and whislt a small bit of me is wondering around the endless possibilities of the future, most of me is panicking that at 30 I am too late to do anything with my life and I am doomed to be alone. I know part of this is my head crying out for comfort and that I have to push through it but damn its hard to do.

Despite that I have managed to get most of my stuff across, psychologically as more stuff has gone in I have felt more and more familiar with the place and I feel my attachement to the house ebbing. I am still yet to meet my new housemates but that is not through a lack of trying. I have been around three times today and once after the gym , but nobody was around, at least I pushed through the initail fear of visting and I now feel slightly more at ease.

 

The next few days are going to be mental, so its an early one for me tonight (he says at 23:19)

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and Just like that another week has gone, things have been a bit crazy so I have not had a chance to update my journal, which has been a pity , but I forgive myself because of the move.

Day 61 Spent most of the day moving stuff into the new house haven't met anyone yet which makes me feel a bit nervous as on the flip side I do want to live in a social house I have taken around a carload with me and then just spent the rest of the time tidying up.

Day 62 So the first day back in work following my week off, I had to go to a university to do both a careers fair and have a meeting with the lecturer I met on day 46 .Initially everything went wrong, my work laptop had the Blue Screen of death, the A0 printer then failed meaning I could only print off A3 documents and then when I got to the university the shuttle bus broke down. Which means I walked in the rain to my meeting.

The meeting with the lecturer went really well, She has agreed to come and deliver a talk for my roles at work in return she wants to interview them to assist with her research, So hopefully this is the start of a mutually beneficially work relationship. We talked for ages and she showed me lots of really exciting stuff and useful resources which I can use. We walked back to her college and then I headed off for the careers fair.

I appriciate that some of you on here are at College/ University so please don't take this the wrong way but the careers fair was really interesting. As a well known organisation we had a lot of interest and we were talking constantly for an hour and a half. It was interesting to see how socially awkward some of the students were when we were speaking and trying to engage with them. I'm not sure if I was like that back in my twenties and I wasn't  in this situation which was interesting, it definitley made me feel like an adult.

We ended up giving the same advice to most students, focus on volunteering and use that to build your social skills so you have competancy examples for any interviews.

After a dash back to the office I was home for 19:00 far too late to do anything so I just crashed in bed.

Day 63 Up early again to go to Birmingham got the train with no issues and then met up with the rest of my team for the meeting, unfortunatly my ex needed a hand with some of the stuff in the house so whilst the rest of my team went to the Birmingham Xmas market, I ended up stuck on a train back home with a number of delays caused by weather. Things with my ex are ok when we have been around each other but I prefer to avoid communicating with her if possible.

Day 64 A standard day in work , ALthough I was well over my hours and I needed to clean up the house so I finished early to go back and do some work again the ex needed a hand with the furniture ( We agreed she could keep it) so I had to dismantle it. We then ate one last meal together before I drove over to my new room. It was interesting I thought that she needed my help to move stuff, her new move to independance wasn't going as she had hoped and it must actually have been quite humiliating to ask for my help.

Anyway I got into the new house and settled in to my room, I still hadn't met anyone so I was still quite nervous. I heard noise outside my room and went out and met my first housemate. Turns out he is the same age and in the same situation as me ( his fiancee broke it off as well)) We had a laugh at the irony and then a few more of my new housemates came out, it actually turns out they are quite a friendly bunch and it was interesting to learn some of the house rules and customs. For example a game called 2p's is all the rage in this house ( Don't worry its not computer based, I will explain in time) and I ended up having a quick go at it and it was fun.

Day 65 Was the first day of the weekend, I was busy getting used to the new house and my housemates, I left the ex to sort outthe last of her stuff from the house, But I had to go and get rid of my Bicycle which I have had for 11 years . I know that it may have been useful but I simply didn't have the room so I took it down the dump. One of the guys collared me and said he would do the bike up instead of just dumping it , which made me feel a lot better. I don't know why we get so emotionally attached to inanimate objects but it was hard to let go.

I headed over to the old house for the last time and met my ex, We locked up the now empty house and handed the keys back to the estate agent it was really tough and in actual fact I broke down in front of her before quickly making my escape, although I had a good cry in my car on the way to the new house.

Day 66 Up early and went to visit a friend who I hadn't seen in a while, I talked about the situation a lot with him and his fiancee and we had a really long disucssion around psychology which was interesting. She is from a similar background to me so she understands my perspective a lot more than other people. She recommeded a book which I need to go and find We then ordered a greasy kebab and settled in to watch some sport. I didn't get home till 23:00

Day 67 I had a day off today in order to sort out my room , But I have been pretty organised for a change and my room was sorted by Saturday  ( I assume this has something to do with not being distracted by computer games) So therefore I had a bit of a lazy day and I just spent the day trying to figure out the washing machine, cooker and Iron, I also started back at the gym as I haven't had a chance to go since last week. 

Day 68 Back at work today just a bog standard routine day with not much excitement, I went to the gym after work nd then came back to the house. Whilst working out at the gym I noticed how my physique is changing, despite the disruption this week.

At some point I need to sit down and focus on some future planning but first I just need to be consistant with updating my journal each day, hope you are all well.

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Day 69 (haha)

So today I set my alarm for 07:00 and got up , my time has slipped since joining the new house and I have been getting up later, So I am trying to push it back down to 06:00.

Work was work,my laptop is running slow and it is just so annoying, I am sooo close to punching it. I need to get it sorted but I am just struggling to get it arranged. Today I discussed an idea I have had for a while with an executive co-ordinator about setting up a self development group in the office basically I want to look at setting up a group to give people in the office a chance to practice their presentation skill and I want to lead this group. I have been given thr egreenlight and been told it was good to see I was showing initiative.

The weather has been crap today so it has been difficult to get motivated. I had to drive to a meeting and I was really tempted to skip the gym tonight, But I ended up going and I had a good work out. My weight has dropped down to its lowest so I have to stay this way till weigh in tommorow.

I still need time to plan ahead but first tommorow I am seeing the councillor I want to wait and see what happens then.

 

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Day 70  So I am definitely strugg;ing with the mornings, I am getting up at 07:30 and this isn't that productive so I need to focus on this in the coming weeks. I am also taking an hour to get out in the morning to get to work ( despite my new place being 5 minutes away ). So work was another standard day , I have set an ambition to go up a pay grade level by this time next year so I have been looking at  lot of the technical leadership courses at work to help me achieve this. I recognise that in order to be successful I need to stand out and that means owning and sharing my successes.

 

I saw the councillor after work and discussed with him my concerns about getting bogged down in Inertia, He made a few points saying that it was Christmas and that I had just moved into a new place and I had to settle in their first before trying to push the bll forward again, I found this both logical and reassuring. But I do find it intersting that my mind couldn't come up with that perspective on its own .

I went to football after work, we got smashed 16-1 it was just incredibly frustrating. I felt a lot of anger rising up inside me nd I just wanted to quit right there and then, On the plus side though I have lost 2kg over the past two weeks , despite having a week away from the gym and not going much last week.

Day 71 Again up at 07:30 which is a bit frustrating, I had to go into work and deliver a presentation to our senior management team and have a discussion with them around a key issue. I think it went well and I hope it left a good impression, it is difficult to say if it did go well but I could hold a conversation at their level which I thought was good.

After work I manage to fit in a quick gym session which was good and means I have exercised five days this week. Knowingthat I am slowly but surely loosing weight is helping me to stay motivated. I have also had quite a few complements about my weight loss this week which has been nice.

I went for a beer after workm with a mate and we chatted about work and our own issues and what do we need to do to solve them. Once I got in I was epically shattered, I tried to talk to one of my housemates but I just had to go to bed, I must have been asleep by 22:00

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12 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

You are doing so well man, congratulations on your weight loss and adjusting to your new circumstances! Bravo for your goals setting too!

Thanks buddy, its good to have reassurance that I am doing the right thing, hope you are well.

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Day 72 another 07:30 start which I will accept as it is the weekend , I actually ended up with quite a few invites today which was good and feels good. However I went withthe first invite which was to go with a mate to Manchester to do a bit off shopping for the works Xmas do, I wanted a new jacket that I could wear to it. So we set off and then went and parked up in Manchester .Now my mate has a bit more money (and fashion sense)  than me so we went into some of the really nice shops such as Hugo Boss and Reiss  as he was looking for some decent clothes.

It may seem bad but I couldn't help wishing that I had enough money to just go crazy in one of these shops, Like just blowing £500 on a coat or £120 on a shirt I'm not sure I would ever do it but in that moment I jusy wish I had more money , I just wish I had that option, which I guess means I need to look into other ways of making money.

I ended up getting  a smart jacket ( don't worry i didn't spend over 50 for it and a waistcoat for a tenner which also looks really smart, I also got a chance to pick up the book that my mates fiancee recommended to me on Day 66, Its called 'Behave' by Robert Sapolsky. The guy in the bookshop said it was an amazing book and that it would be a really good read although it is complex in places ( hence the need for a chapter called Neurobiology 101) He also gave me 20% off the book which was great , and I didn't have to ask for it I just struck up the conversation.

Now my mate who I was with is an extremely confident person and he has a lot of friends, it was interesting to watch him interact with people in the various shops we visited. I have always found it a struggle to go into shops, to try things on and to engage in conversation with the shop staff. But he just walks staight in and starts chatting. Even in the top end stores where you would expect a degree of snobbery the shop staff were coming over to chat to us. It was interesting to hear what they had to say as well, such as the one guy whos jacket had been ruined by a load of water that had leaked into the shops basement overnight.

image.thumb.png.1c970973f7f7f7c65c185774d8140184.png

(took this snap as the Manchester skyline looks gorgeous and it will give me some context whenever I review this post in the future..may start doing this more often.)

We then went for lunch and had  a really nice reasonably priced meal we both went for the same dish and my mate made a point of complimenting my food choice in front of the waitress. She was attractive as well, and there was a small niggling in my head telling me to ask for her number but in the end I couldn't do it.

 

When I got home I had made a decision to start reading the book and to then go to the cinema later on , on my own. This felt like a suitable challenge that would be really low risk and would temporarily sate the inertia I have had over the past few days. So I went to the nearest cinema ( short drive away ) and went in. The guy on the tills seemed a bit confused that I was there on my own, but fuck it why not. I got some weird looks from some other people as well but do you know what, I didn't care . These poeple had no idea why I was in the cinema on my own, that it is a part of my personal journey to find and challenge myself, who cares what they think.

 

 

 

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Hey Pere,

It’s been good to hear your story so far. You’ve really come a long way, I’m just starting out myself, but am picking some journals to follow. Yours has been incredible, keep up the good work filling your time with new and often uncomfortable experiences! I was most gobsmacked at how hardcore - regarding gym, getting up early, hustling hard in work - your routine was when you first started out; it’s a kick up my butt to me that I can get myself into a brighter situation within just a couple of weeks and keep building.

and again! Screw judgements and haters, you keep following your path for the day which fulfills and challenges you, then everything will continue to fall into place!

 

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