[HEALTH] Fear of Failure?

[JanG]

Hey guys.

I recently got the idea that i might suffer from a pretty big fear of failure. I think im a perfectionist, but not in a good way, i worry too much about everything i do, and every assignment. To the point were it's hurting my ability to even start on projects.

 

Have any of you felt this way, and/or do you know a good way to work on it?

Edited March 27, 2018 by Regular Robert
Changed the title - Robert

[Bugg]

This is one of my biggest fears, especially imagining that I will look back on m life and feel like I've accomplished nothing. To me that's like failing at life? Idk. But yeah, also a perfectionist, and I find it easy to become so immobilized by the fear that I don't even try to begin with. I think the only reason I was able to give the 90 Day detox a go was because 1. I knew I had to do something.
2. I felt really confident I could do it. 

This really effects my stress levels at work, especially since my manager is such a perfectionist as well, even on the days I am able to be more compassionate to myself, she often isn't quite so kind, and her harsh words make me feel even worse, and even more fearful of my failings. 

But yeah, what I find really helps is self-compassion. Just recognizing that you are only human, that perfection doesn't exist, or if it does, it is found as a result of changing our perspective towards it, if that makes sense. I was actually thinking a lot about the concept of perfection on the bus this morning. I think 'only human' is a great thing to remember. We're not super heroes. 

There was actually something I heard on the Game Quitters podcast, I forget which episode, about how we often become discouraged when we aren't good at things, but we have to remember that it takes time to improve our abilities, and the only way to do that is to keep going through the hard parts. 

Anyway, I hope that helped. It's reassuring for me to know I'm not the only one at least.

[Cam Adair]

Great book to read is Mindset by Carol Dweck. Study the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset.

[JanG]

10 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

Great book to read is Mindset by Carol Dweck. Study the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset.

Thanks for the tip.

[Arch]

Yep this resonates with me as a perfectionist. The best answer I can give you is to check out "When Perfect Isn't Good Enough" by Martin M. Anthony and Richard P. Swinson.

I read the entirety of this book without doing the exercises within the book because of my perfectionism haha. It's the most direct method of tackling the Perfectionism subject I've come closest to.

Here are some juicy Chapter names to get you hunting after this book:

Perfectionism and Behaviour, Measuring Perfectionism, Developing a Plan for change, Changing Perfectionist Thoughts and Behaviours, Accepting Imperfection, Perfectionism and Depression, Perfectionism and Social Anxiety and Preventing Perfectionism from Returning.

I was given this book by a counsellor. If I recall correctly, the main way to change Perfectionism is through Cognitive Behavioural methods. So these include noting down the facts of the matter and seeing things objectively.

One must SLOWLY challenge their perfectionist thoughts and behaviours with actions and note how those actions made them feel against what they thought. This is recorded over a period of time charting the days, weeks with scales from 1-10 about how anxious you were when you did what you were scared of.

Eventually the point is to align your over panicking mind to a more rational mindset more in line with reality allowing you to act without obsessing over perfectionism.

And now, here I am writing a 20 minute perfectionist reply instead of logging my Journal, because I love this site :D

 

[JanG]

Thanks a lot Arch, will give it a look right away!

[Amphibian220]

Is this even resolvable? Ever?

I am 4 years into the detox, but a certain method is slowly killing all enjoyment and peace. I only have got worries left. And now it’s not actual situations that give me grief but the worries and recollections themselves. 

i used to be the happiest in times of celebration. But now, the fear has grown so out of proportion, that it is there in the background, im largely acting out happy to prevent others from seeing how ridiculous it got. My mind is a stupendous riddle for how it is inflicting torture. It has affected sleep. And i cannot run away from myself.

Every facet of it has become so banal. I think i have employed self reflection as a therapy, but, 4 years on, i have grown absolutely indifferent to people in general. I skip through what they say. I mean i listen to them, but i know what they are going to say. I don't give importance to how i am dressed or how i present myself. I am not rude, and i don't dress badly, just do the bare minimum.

I want to try sky diving or anything of that kind to break out from that madness even if for a minute. I am not talking about it, i actually don't have anything to lose by jumping from an airplane with a parachute in my back pack.

I no longer care about attractive women out of fear. I don't have that healthy response from teens of acting honestly polite and showing good faith effort to them. I show just the basic recognition, but i’ve got no attraction at all. The fear is so strong.

I got back to reading kids horror stories from my childhood. Some of these stories depict fantastic situations that a kid encounters, like switching bodies with an animal, and the mental torture and depression that ensues. The torture is well delivered. It’s strangely awakening reading these stories. The authors i read, for some reason made the main character as always the loser, always the guy who is going to get hunted and hurt. I remember wanting to get that story where the main character is the winner and comes to somebody’s aid, but no. The main character just manages to get out of trouble and save somebody, by the skin of his teeth. The authors i read chose this premise, and the kids at my school did hunt me but they were merciful.
 

They were, i remember how they showed a certain care for me when they attacked me. I couldn't eat food from how stressed i felt, but i felt a relief from survival mechanisms activating. The tears felt good, the fear of a fight gave the shivers, but after the fight i got a certain pass from them and recognition, even if i got hurt and hid it from my parents.

Those abusers were like oxygen after a while. They gave me the most human years of my life. It’s far worse when nobody is attacking you and your survival instinct has been brought to naught. Then when you do get attacked, the body cant function properly in survival mode anymore. So it just breaks you.

The people in adult life cannot offer that mercy and care anymore. Not because they are worse than the kids at school, (they may be far more violent, i believe grown ups have capacity to be far more damaging), but it is  that i created something from years of social media and video gaming. That isolation did it. 

I checked up if any authors wrote about a poison that fools a young kid about thinking that the monsters are his friends and they did. Its just that the real life poison is so rotten and multifaceted, you don't get rid pf it by just throwing away the games.

Edited June 5 by Amphibian220

[wheatbiscuit]

42 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Is this even resolvable? Ever?

I am 4 years into the detox, but a certain method is slowly killing all enjoyment and peace. I only have got worries left. And now it’s not actual situations that give me grief but the worries and recollections themselves. 

i used to be the happiest in times of celebration. But now, the fear has grown so out of proportion, that it is there in the background, im largely acting out happy to prevent others from seeing how ridiculous it got. My mind is a stupendous riddle for how it is inflicting torture. It has affected sleep. And i cannot run away from myself.

Every facet of it has become so banal. I think i have employed self reflection as a therapy, but, 4 years on, i have grown absolutely indifferent to people in general. I skip through what they say. I mean i listen to them, but i know what they are going to say. I don't give importance to how i am dressed or how i present myself. I am not rude, and i don't dress badly, just do the bare minimum.

I want to try sky diving or anything of that kind to break out from that madness even if for a minute. I am not talking about it, i actually don't have anything to lose by jumping from an airplane with a parachute in my back pack.

I no longer care about attractive women out of fear. I don't have that healthy response from teens of acting honestly polite and showing good faith effort to them. I show just the basic recognition, but i’ve got no attraction at all. The fear is so strong.

I got back to reading kids horror stories from my childhood. Some of these stories depict fantastic situations that a kid encounters, like switching bodies with an animal, and the mental torture and depression that ensues. The torture is well delivered. It’s strangely awakening reading these stories. The authors i read, for some reason made the main character as always the loser, always the guy who is going to get hunted and hurt. I remember wanting to get that story where the main character is the winner and comes to somebody’s aid, but no. The main character just manages to get out of trouble and save somebody, by the skin of his teeth. The authors i read chose this premise, and the kids at my school did hunt me but they were merciful.
 

They were, i remember how they showed a certain care for me when they attacked me. I couldn't eat food from how stressed i felt, but i felt a relief from survival mechanisms activating. The tears felt good, the fear of a fight gave the shivers, but after the fight i got a certain pass from them and recognition, even if i got hurt and hid it from my parents.

Those abusers were like oxygen after a while. They gave me the most human years of my life. It’s far worse when nobody is attacking you and your survival instinct has been brought to naught. Then when you do get attacked, the body cant function properly in survival mode anymore. So it just breaks you.

The people in adult life cannot offer that mercy and care anymore. Not because they are worse than the kids at school, (they may be far more violent, i believe grown ups have capacity to be far more damaging), but it is  that i created something from years of social media and video gaming. That isolation did it. 

I checked up if any authors wrote about a poison that fools a young kid about thinking that the monsters are his friends and they did. Its just that the real life poison is so rotten and multifaceted, you don't get rid pf it by just throwing away the games.

It's sad to say, but the initial exploration of some parts of my worst game were sometimes/often sources of confidence to probe just a little further out in the wider world. I for one pretty much always enjoy your posts, dude. They give me the sense that you are actually/have been truly out there in the world - workplaces, sports, etc. I am medicated, and don't need much except consistent kindness - dreams, re-reads and mental replays are renewed almost every day.

But I feel you on the subject of various seeking of thrills (I have a work out plan memorised that repeats in a slightly different order monthly, with a couple of 'cheat days', meaning do whatever I feel like (including sit-ups and weighted walks/cardio)), and trying to show adequate interest in obviously attractive people - though in some cases, people are so clearly meant to be spoken with that I need no permission. Even then, the words, 'Would you want to go on a date sometime?' require some, perhaps overly-encouraging cues. I have hope for us!

I've been calling adulthood the ability to compromise and competently deal with others. If a person really can't do that, then they should simply receive the care that regular children (as they effectively are) deserve, until they can. Is that wrong? The problem indeed could be maintaining a said growth or fixed mindset. Tying in with attacks/abuse, I used to try to be the either an equal or better responder to each and every situation, up until an ex suggested the notion of NPD. I thought that if I relaxed more in all situations (and consequently let some opportunities/duties pass by), I would get along better. Slippery slope.

Perfectionism relating to starting projects or formal essays like in high school always started with a very carefully-worded phrase/premise. Finding a flow could be hard, and on more than one occasion, I'm sure that several people posed helpful distractions to me as a sort of motivation/reward expectation for when I was partially/completely finished - only we have sworn off of gaming as one of them. Seeing that honest and open pain motivated me to type something here - as well as not successfully starting any conversations with my last journal post yet. Relatable? 🙂

To me, it's worth verbally questioning the usefulness of leaning on survival mechanisms - if only because people tend to misunderstand mine. Words are great, when timed well. That said, being beyond the release of tears is almost no life as well. Again, there could be plenty of hope, defining privately what you will and won't/can and can't do. Good luck all.

[Amphibian220]

3 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

🙂

To me, it's worth verbally questioning the usefulness of leaning on survival mechanisms - if only because people tend to misunderstand mine. Words are great, when timed well. That said, being beyond the release of tears is almost no life as well. Again, there could be plenty of hope, defining privately what you will and won't/can and can't do. Good luck all.

I will read these books on perfectionism listed here. I will try to take out fears one by one to feel free again. I just have to fight back and show improvement on a monthly basis. Thank you for your response.

Some of the things i wrote may sound strange, but taunts do play a beneficial role. Good natured Taunts made me overcome fear on many occasions in my younger years. Anything of value requires you to fight fear, greed, laziness.

I refuse to accept anyone is lost. If you made progress today (ignoring the negativity) you have done yourself good.