Hitaru 1125 Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Short summary: I didn't fuck up yet but I'm in that path I know well already and setting myself up for a really bad time. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I haven't relapsed per se, in the sense that I haven't return to my old gaming habits or games. But I feel I've returned to my old pattern of thoughts and that's the first step. I'll try my best to keep it short. I'm going through a storm of negative emotions right now. I keep having defeatist thoughts, thoughts that it doesn't matter, that life is meaningless, that I'm lost and drowning. This may be unavoidable since the circumstance I'm struggling with, life itself, it's not going to change. It's just gonna happen. My best chance is to dodge and handle the bad thoughts till literally 5 minutes before my death, considering I'm aware of it when it happens. BUT, here's the thing, my actions have been getting in tune with this defeatist mindset. And even when I was feeling more optimistic, I would still indulge in bad habits. I've been doing it wrong from the start, my thoughts where never in the same line of my actions, and viceversa. What have I been doing right? - I haven't reinstalled Steam, not even to play free games. - I haven't reinstalled games that I used to be heavily addicted to, despite several cravings. - I haven't played 16 hours a day ever again. I can count the days I've played games with my hands, in a year and a half since I quit. - I haven't had suicide thoughts, heavy blunders or hiding episodes. - I haven't stop journaling, even if I had several spaces and short pauses. What have I been doing wrong? - Watch streams from time to time (binge episodes) - Watch a lot of porn, and play (mainly) RPGMaker H-games.* - Mindless browse social media, including instances of "picture cruising". - Consistently avoid and procrastinate a normal lifestyle, eating like shit or not doing it at all, skipping showers and night sleep hours. - Avoid social life, development of hobbies and a constant workflow. Why? I haven't been facing my existential anguish. I would push it forward and aside, letting it bottle up until it explodes. Then my sanity faceplants against the floor and everything breaks down. I should compliment myself for being able to get up a thousand times, right? But still, this method is not effective at all. It's wearing me down. Until the point when I collapse, I hide in my room binging shit, Cam says "Screw you and your unreliability" and I'm left with nothing again. With no reason to be away from games and escapism. That is what it wants, god fucking damn it. It's not a mere 'resistance' that if I don't take seriously I end up doing things mediocrely. It's an all or nothing fight in which there's no middle ground of being functional but unhappy. I'm not even in that point. Of course I have a thousand ideas of what "I should do". But they don't apply, I must face it, because the moment I intend to take a serious step towards any direction,this anxiety steps in in turn, and it doesn't know limits. There's not a top level of anxiety I can reach, it leverages equally with my level of enthusiasm for not being in the mud. So I have realized that I'm not stronger than it, in the sense that I cannot overpower it with sheer willpower. I cannot wrestle it down with my gonads, I need to think. Where lies the power of my bad habits? - Porn: It's pleasurable, it's addictive, easy to reach and I hold insecurities with women, hence why I browse hetero porn in which women actively take the leading role. Makes the illusion of being attractive to them, probably. No femdom though, which reinforces the theory that I'm watching it for a specific insecurity I have in the real world that should be fixed in the (vanilla) real world. - H-games: Several factors: Gamification: I am the holder of the decisions in a crafted but still more open environment than a mere video where I'm just a pasive observer. Customized: Broader scope of fetishes. Here femdom and BDSM applies. Warning, lewd: Spoiler The key element are the D and the M. My favorite genre is something in the lines of: a female protagonist involved in a plot line that allows for several levels of moral degradation and increasingly debauched acts at the player's discretion. It gives a sensation of progress and control that I find myself really fond of. Regardless of the actual gender of the protagonist and characters, I can imagine myself in both ends of the action, thanks to the help of not being 3D. If it was videos with real people, I'd feel self-conscious, strangely ashamed. I've tested it. - Streams: I think I'm using it to fill in for the lack of sociability. My friends are few and are scattered. And I never played multiplayer with like-minded people, so I never shared the games I enjoyed with anybody. I feel there's a void there. Of course I also watch voice-less streams, and that's plain nostalgia. I think it's again due a lack of other activities and boredom. It's easier to relax watching someone doing all the work than getting into a hobby which would also make me stressed because I'm such a damn perfectionist. - Escapism: Not sleeping, eating or showering makes me fatigued, which makes for the perfect excuse to rest and forget issues for a while. Then I can simply exhaust myself again by doing things wrong, rinse and repeat. It's easy and effective. What can I do to counter this right now? - Stop doing harmful shit. That's my specialty, it's easier for me to stop doing things than starting new ones. This means taking super seriously not watching streams and porn, and stop playing lewd games. For that last thing I will need to compensate by real life experience and... uh-oh. - Going to bed at the proper time: No matter if I don't sleep shit and I have to sleep again during the morning, there's an action of going to sleep at a certain hour and that's it. - Get a new hobby. I used to feel this was secondary. Now it happens that I cannot be functional if I'm not acceptably satisfied. I'm a first-world pansy, but if it works that way, it works that way. These three are to be done immediately. Aside from that I have to commit again to the detox, and put myself in 'detox-mode'. I admit I haven't trusted the process, and it's my responsibility. So before taking it for impossible I'll try again properly. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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