Frigga Stiglitz

Brother is addicted to videogames. What do I do as a sister? (2nd post)

6 posts in this topic

Hi, it's been a while since I enter in the forum. However my issue is not gone, in fact it may be even worse than before. I live alone with my older brother and he is really hooked to online videogames. It has come to a point of him not doing his basic chores, sleep all day and game all night. Sharing the same space with so much negativity is reaally hard, since I have my own personal demons as well. fe. 

I don't know what to do. The case is it seems that I care more about him than he really does. I can't ocupy this position if he is not interested. At the same time he is already 30+ years old and this habit can really wreck his perspectives for life. I'm afraid it's too late or it becomes too late day by day. 

I sugested journals, sports, positive contents as podcasts and movies (by the way, love the appearance of the project on stefan molyneux channel, I follow him for a long time). Anyway, nothing seems to light a fire under his ass. 

What should I do? I try to live my days being as much productive as I can, organize my room (shut out to jordan peterson here) , etc, be the example of life that I desire him to follow. But it comes to a time of really affecting the enviroment to a point where I'm unmotivated for life too, y'know? 

Video game addiction is a real issue. Sadly it doesn't have as much research about it yet, but it can destroy someones life and time. 

Sugestions? 

Edited by Frigga Stiglitz
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Preserving yourself is top priority always. Without your own stability you cannot help others. Make sure you get that down.

Get him to do his basic chores of cleaning (this is part of self-preservance, improve your own environment). Make a cleaning plan as follows:

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Each time you cleaned, move the marker (like a magnet on a whiteboard or something) to the next week and person. It is of vital importance that it is clearly declared what needs to be cleaned and which weekdays (I suggest 3 consecutive weekdays) are allowed for cleaning, to avoid misunderstandings. Also clean the floor, vacuum+mop (forgot to put that in). Extend the plan as you see fit - it is not complete! Cleaning should take 1-2hours total.

Everytime your brother misses his cleaning period - tell him. But don't make any consequences for now, it will take some months - just move the marker. This is to psychologically teach him a rhythm. If he doesn't know how to clean - help him on his first few times and clean together (this is extremely important!!! HELP HIM CLEAN A COUPLE OF TIMES).

Try not to get angry with him, just treat him like an obstacle if you are pissed, but try to be kind as not to make him stubborn. Give him the feeling that he is welcome to give him the power to adapt. If you fight with him - he will shut down communication and never change. You need to make him feel OK with you if you can (I know this is hard).

 

Ask yourself how his behavior bothers you. You will need to find methods to get that out of your life. As I said - self-preservance is your top priority for now. If he games another year it doesn't matter, first you will need to get a grip and be a good idol. Create a stable environment for yourself and your brother, create routine.

 

You cannot change him directly, mind. You can only indirectly incite a desire inside him to quit. This desire can be initiated by keeping your own shit together. If you are leading a happy life - he will wonder why his own life is shit (this can take a LONG time though). So keep in mind: Self-preservance is key. Make him do the most basic shit to get the apartment working, worry about nothing else for now. Create a stable environment.

If you got that down, you can start handling different things.

Priorites are: Self-preservance, environment, harmony - in that order. You can add more later, but these are difficult to handle already.

 

Peace.

 

EDIT: Oh and yea, get yourself some wireless headphones and listen to music at home - or podcasts. At all times when leaving your room. It is an excellent method of establishing a healthy atmosphere for yourself.

Edited by destoroyah
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 Totally agree with destoroya. If you can help him build up new habits, like cleaning for example, that would be a great progress. Otherwise, you always have to look out for yourself first. You shall not be dragged down, even if it is hard to witness.

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Omg thank you so much for the answers. I've sit and talked about cleaning for a while and didn't seem to see much of a result. Let's see if this time I can be more patient for things to change. I easily quit because i think "meh whatever, I'm the younger one anyways, I'm not gonna bother being a maid of an adult" and just care about my room and try as much as i can to preserve mysfel as you said (podcasts help). 

Our family structure is really fragile so really we just have each other. What pisses me off is that I always had to mature waaay more than my age over time, always. And now again I have to set things straight when y'know, growing up by itself is not an easy task. I'm tired and feels it's not fair for me. I feel that something is taken away from me. 


It sucks because there is a lot involved and I just wanted that things worked so we could share the benefits as soon as we could. It's hard being patient when I'm seeing this happening for almost 7 years now. 

But anyway, everyone have problems, I just get overwhelmed from time to time. Your messages really helped and I apreciate that. Will keep up this post (or another one) updated with the progress. 
 

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Take it from someone that has put the time in getting their own older brother sober after a decade+ of battling alcoholism. YOU, need to let him fail, let his life become unmanageable. Move out. Take care of yourself and stop helping him. The only way his behavior and perspectives are going to change if he wants them to. That won't happen until he sees them as unmanageable and desires to do better. If you stick around managing him, you aren't helping, you are enabling and thus causing no reason for him to improve.

It ain't fun, and it doesn't always leave you with a positive relationship. But if you feel his problem has become that significant than the only thing to do is leave him to manage his own life.

Ask anyone, in any addiction recovery program. Doing what Destoroyah told you to do. Isn't getting him off video games, it's coping with being an enabler.  

 

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Let him have his own experience. He must have his own wake up call.

If you can be supportive without being dragged into his world, do it. He can't do it alone, and he will need your help when he wakes up for life, but only when he does it.

Meanwhile, be an example of what's possible outside the fantasy world that is gaming.

Best luck!

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