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the days of a viewer

Frigga Stiglitz

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not always i want to think about this. weeks are awful if i think about hard topics all the time. but i'm not comfortable with ~not thinking~ as much either. i have the feeling that i may be drifting with no direction or purpose. 

when i see my brother addicted to videogames and making poor life decisions, what i really see is the reflection of a fragile family structure. i don't see him getting married, having a social life or getting a job with his degree (if he is going to be capable of completing his degree). and if he gets married it probably will be with a toxic woman. if he gets a job he will probably be miserably every single day of it. i can't see him achieving a healthy life style. it breaks my heart to admit this. i feel stupid to share this on a forum. things should be more simple. i don't know if i'm being realistic or just as negative as he is about himself.

he is going to be 33. he flunked a lot of disciplines and i will graduate before him, at the age of 20. i don't know what will happen when i graduate. it will be a bittersweet moment. he will do that thing of making the moment about him being "such a loser" and miserable. i don't know where i'm going to live. i'm so confused and i don't have much time to make a final decision. 2018 is going to be a hell of a year.

yet i can still feel some proud about how i'm dealing with things. i don't gaslight the situation, i don't protect my brother from the truth (but i still keep these hard truths to myself). i think i'm better into rationalizing the situation and don't feel so responsible about his well being as before. 

it's a shock to see that my family is even more negative than i thought. a bunch of frustrated people. i don't wanna be part of this. i don't want to contribute to the toxic cycle. enough. 

it's so strange to see that an online videogame can represent such things. the addiction is much more that the addiction itself, it's part of this great big picture of tragedy and life. 

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Hey Frigga Stiglitz, I see you're new here. I'm new as well, but I would like to welcome you to the journals and wish you luck breaking the cycle of toxicity. I'm sure you've heard this like 100 times, but if your brother is going to be addicted, then there isn't much you can do unless he asks for help, or at least realizes that there is an issue. Just remember that you are not responsible for his well-being and if he wants to throw away his life, then that's his choice.

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Glad to see you posting again, despite the circumstances. Or maybe because of them. Writing won't give you an immediate answer, but it'll provide you with an outlet for your emotions, a place to put your thoughts in order, and I think you'll make great use of that. 

Being negative hurts the addict, I can tell you that much. It was painful for me to see my mother acting like I would never escape from that and live independently (which I still don't bc spanish sociocultural and my own shortcomings, but much less toxic now); that mindset of her helped me to rationalize that spending all my time gaming was "my rightful place". But being openly optimistic can also make him insecure and frustrated because "my family expects me to get better and I actually can't/they don't understand I can't/they can't understand my struggle/whatever other excuse". Because in the end they are. If he wants to find a reason to keep living like that he will, no matter how delusional may look to the outside world, it will make sense for him. I've done that thousands of times.

I believe the only realistic and impactful thing you can do to help him is leading by example. You will graduate and trust me, that dark corner of him will think: there's my sister who is now a member of society/parent's favorite/she had it so easy/we're so different/I'll never be able to do that. But it will make him think. That's a first step. 

If he makes passive-aggressive comments, either then or during his birthday, I would confront him with the plain truth:

"You know how things are. You know you're now 33 and you have a problem, or a lot of problems, whatever you prefer to see it. You know you're leaning onto me and family to maintain your current lifestyle and it's hurting us both. You know you're projecting this to me and the rest of the world whenever you feel bad or realize that this is unsustainable, and your head tries to make us into the culprits or you into the oppressor; and you also know that's a lie to yourself to dodge the real issue. You know that we actually love you fiercely and will support you fully if you make the actual right decision, and you actually know what decision is; that it will hurt you a fucking lot to go through it even if it's worth it, which we both think it is, and it looks terrifying in the mind to face it, and that's why you've been trying to drown it under tons of games and bullshit for years. And you know you won't be able to do this forever, no matter how much you woe and complain. It's about you. It's about taking action now and confronting yourself and it will never, ever be about anything else than this. And you got me for this and I got your back for this and only for this. I'll support you with all my heart when you start doing right, and only then. You know more about the life you want for yourself than you'd like to pretend, willingly or not. Make your choices".

At least, that's what I would have probably wanted to hear, I won't be so arrogant to say it would have helped me or help your brother. You're strong, don't despair! 

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Thanks a ton. Your message is powerful. Will read a couple of more times to respond with care.

It's a dilema. When he was worst i couldn't be so assertive because it would tear him apart. But now that things are """ok"""" I think it's injust to not recognize that he is doing some things well. I put quotes on 'ok' because there are many problems acumulating from his bad habits.

i will keep up this post with more relefections and updates. I believe this journal section will be promising. 

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yesterday we hang out. watched some movies, talked a bit. negative coments is a must. i get pretty scared when i realize that it has become so natural to see the bad side of everything all the time. heavy subjects is something romanticized. "hurr durr i'm so edgy and different, i have a rough vision about the world, and everyone else is so shallow. i'm above all that".

it reminds me a narcissistic disorder. it's the pride of being miserable and not caring about things. however the person cares to show how much indifferent they are.  

"oh? someone is crowdfunding their cancer treatment? but everyone will die someday, so what's the point?" 

i have to hear this type of thing on a daily basis. i did not stand up to disagree with him, i think it would just give attention to sillyness and drama. civilized arguments is something to be earned, and my brother doesn't earn this attention. am i being cruel or wise? am i letting his crispies of negativity take form when i refuse to inhibit? 

 you are not the wokest because of your stupid pseudo nihilistic view of the world. quite the oposite: you are blind. you just think about yourself and how your suffering should define the world around you. 

it wasn't 100% bad. it was cool to walk and to watch movies together, besides him pointing flaws at everything. 


uuuugh i feel so bad writing this. i have this side of me that just wants to defend my brother at all costs. "but he went through some shit, that's why he is miserable and frustrated". i have this side of me that sees the dominos that constitutes the vicious person he has become. i have this side of me that refuse to criticize. protect him. nurture. understand. sacrifice. talk. bend over to his needs. it's the family that i got. how can i be so mean of thinking all of this? am i really that different from him? am i not also focusing on the bad sides only? he is making some effort, i can't deny that. maybe he is trying his best to live in this chaotic world and i'm just too anxious right now to see the value of such efforts. 

compared to what? compared to the person he used to be (hopeful, hard working, joyful, funny, helpful), he is reaally bad. but compared to how much he was depressed some weeks/months ago, he is doing ok, maybe even great. 

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i'm not sleeping well. it's holydays and i'm sleeping 5h per night. when my semester comes back i will regret that i didn't worked harder on my project, or i will regret that i didn't rest as much as i should. i'm always analyzing the potential of situations and judging how i'm not giving my full dedication. things were better when i had classes. i was being really compromised with my routine and boosting productivity. i think junk food helps this boredom + lazyness. i eat well generally, but this last couple of weeks were a buffet of sugar, fat and carbs. 

i've come to know a new term: FoMo (Fear of Missing out). Basically is the anxiety driven actions, as the name says, with the fear of missing out something greatest that you just are not seeing the big picture yet. at least it's my interpretation. The term refers to social media addiction, that i don't see i have really. I'm not jealous when i see people having fun on instagram or facebook. i have the notion that this is just what they let us see, but no one really is having so much fun all the time. it's an illusion. 

however i do identify i have this strong anxiety when i'm shopping something simple. should i search more the price? is the seller tricking on me? is there a better option and i will regret this later? will i have time to think about it? maybe if i think too much there won't be any products left. 

there was this great talker that went to my university. i was so anxious with experiencing that to the fullest, that i was divided in two: the listener and the judger of me listening. i asked too many questions for him. it was embarassing. i was like "fuck it, i won't regret this, i'm taking advantage of one time only experience". but now and then i'm terrified with the thought i just made a fool of my self in front of the other students. or i was too "fangirling" the guy. i don't like pushy people but maybe i was one in that situation. it's good that i put myself in the vulnerable position and don't stop to act with the fear of judgement. i'm proud that i don't comply to my personal shame to do what i want. however i still am stalked by the mental demons repercussions of it. "i should have done this or that. how silly i am. whyyyy i acted x y z??". if my brain carries an addiction, it's anxiety. 

no talking about my brother today. however i did wake up curious if someone had responded theses posts. i checked youtube and there was a new molyneux video on video game addiction (check it out here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egYfNtx9f1g). last year/begining of this year i wrote an e-mail asking to do a call-in participation. i was strongly driven by the situation around me, sharing a home with a depressing older sibling. they responded, but after that i got no answers. they didn't add me on skype. i ask myself if i'm part of an archive of similar requests, and seeing this tendency they searched on the matter and called Cam Adair to attend this whole demand of the channel. things were shiiiiittt when i wrote for them. i still would be more than happy to appear and have their opinion. 


Edited by Frigga Stiglitz
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last day of the year. i'm going to be with my friends. my brother wants to be at home, playing online games. i did not insist. last year was a mess. he drank too much, got into a fight at a party and didn't wanted to take a cab to go back home. obviously he was assaulted on the streets. i had to calm him down through bad phone call and drunk audios he sent me. he talked about revenge, about how angry he was. everything against him.

what got me surprised was that he talked about the same thing the same way even after he was sober. until today he thinks taking a cab for safety is unnecesary. that's how i started my 2017. it's sad to imagine him at home when it comes the midnight, but with the circumstances it's the less of an evil. online friends are also friends. i feel terrible to advise him to stop playing videogames, when i know it's the only social circle he has at the moment. him + social meetings are not a good match, even if he doesnt drink. he is paranoid. someone is trying to catch him. the memories of the past blind him to enjoy life (but everyone is a little guilty of doing that). he feels weak to embrace the world. but he is strong to embrace a fictional universe. he can be a leader. other players obey him. it's hard to compete with that. 

that's it for now. wish the best for everyone in this forum. thanks a ton, if you are reading this. i will be offline for a while. but i will be back soon in january. keep sharing, detoxing and hopeful.


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