I need help

[Schwing]

I haven't made a post in ages. Pretty much gave up on these forums. But this place always gave me something I never had. Somewhere I can ease the pressure and blow off some steam out of the shithole that is my mind and have anyone in particular listen and perhaps respond. That was keeping me sane for a time. I've had my ups and downs but now the sea is way too rough for me to not steer this vessel to the lighthouse. I'm really a joke. I think I don't need this place anymore. And bam. Here I am. More fucked up than ever

A while ago I decided I'd make this amazing decision: I'll drop out of engineering forget my next year of highschool and follow my dumbshit dreams of being an illustrator or a comic book artist. Fucking retard. I've always been fucking retarded anyway. Can't just shut up, sit down and be a normal fucking human being like the other kids. WHY?! Why do I have to be this fucking shit. Why do I compulsively feel the need to type to other people on the internet about my stupid feelings. I think I'm so special. I think I've got something others don't. Well that just isn't true. I'm just on a wild goose chase for nothing in particular. Just to satisfy my own ego. My ego that dictates I displace myself from reality and run away to my magical fairy place. I love the idea I'm better than other people. That's why I quit gaming. But the fact of the matter is I'm just a degenerate at heart and I'll never 'improve' because of that. I don't have anything to hope for other than my stupid dreams. Or maybe I do. Just I'm too weak and too egotistical to accept it. To accept the fact I can just have a normal life, get a normal job, get a normal wife and a normal kid and JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL FOR ONCE IN YOUR SHITTY LIFE!

Dad wasn't normal. Fucked me up in the head. They say the first 7 years are the most important years in your life because it dictates how you will develop as a person. He was there for 10. Brother died a year later. Yea. Like we even had anything between us anyway. It's probably a good thing he was actually mentally retarded because then he'd never end up as fucked up as me. Damn I just WANT people to feel sorry for me don't I? I just want to be so fucking special. Can't be content with being a fucking square. I'm not a circle trying to fit in a square hole. I'm just a square with botched corners because he keeps smashing his face off the fucking wall BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING RETARD. FUCK. Why don't you go and get therapy. Oh yea. Then you would be accepting how fucked up you are. Now that would be the end of it. Everyone would know and you wouldn't be able to run from it. You just want to run. You don't want to face reality. You don't want to deal with people. Is autism induced by nurture? Because I think I have some sort of fucking retardation. I can't even talk to my own parents properly anymore. Honestly if you could see me you would genuinely think I was fucking autistic. It's pitiful.

Too scared of being broke. Too scared of being square. Too scared to talk to people. Too scared of being a joke of a human being. Too scared to live. Omniphobia. You think you'll get a girlfriend? Why would any dumbfuck date a worthless piece of shit like you? A piece of shit who can't even open up to anyone. A piece of shit that can't even stand by his own beliefs. Who can't conform to the beliefs of others. Just a mess clutching at straws. The epitome of emasculation. Your kids will be just as fucked as you because you will be their father. The best thing you could do for them would be to leave before they turn 2 years old. You think working out makes you interesting? You think liking metal makes you interesting? Well what's the point in being interesting when you're too weak to get involved in the first place. You're just a freak show. That's all you do. You're the laughing stock of everyone.

You made people proud. You made your parents proud that you'd get a good education, a good job and a good life BUT YOU FUCKING BLEW IT. And now you can't go back because you're too caught up in it all now. IF you go back you face defeat  and you accept the fact you are a bitch. If you go forward you get beat up by the world and you live your life as a big fucking lie hiding from the truth that you don't want to hear from anyone. The fact you're not actually that good at art. The fact that you don't have the balls to try and get better. The fact that life is just life and you've gotta accept it. The fact you'll never grow up. The fact that you'll never be truly happy because you actively avoid it because you think you're too good for it. You think happiness is overrated. You think life is overrated. All you can do about it is get shitty and bitter about it over the internet. Fuck.

I've been watching a lot of porn. Games not so much. But I;ve been binging on a lot of fucked up shit. Don't think I'll get any better. Don't think I'll really get anywhere. It's too late. I'ts an addiction and it's there because I'm fucked in the head and I can't do shit about that can I? I liked to laugh at crazy people. I thought they were so weird and stupid. And I thought it was sad because I knew they wouldn't get anywhere. But now I realise I'm the same. It's just sad. Really sad. I can get up and get a shower if I don't read a bunch of suicide notes or read some oh-so-relateable lyrics. I don't deserve any of that shit. Don't deserve any of the shit people give to me. The only motivation I get is from the imaginary world. And it get smitten to the ground every time I get a dose of reality. I don't deserve it.

I'll probably read this one day. Maybe. Maybe I'll still be as fucked up. Maybe I'll have kidded myself into some other stupid fantasy. You haven't replied to your dad's missed calls from 2 days ago. What the fuck are you doing? Do you expect life to be handed to you on a fucking silver platter. Fuck. Fuck. I hate myself. Imaginary people. Imaginary things. Imaginary life. That's the only reason you think you can hack it. A comic book. About your imaginary life. You'll never have a real life because you live in your head. Feed off your imagination. Shit. Too late. Too fucked up. FUBAR. Yea. Saving private ryan was a good fucking movie. Your comci book won't be half as good. not even 1%. Because you'll have nevr lived. You won't even have the money. Today I was on the art forum. I got a reply. I said I don't want to be at home stuck in my room my whole life but they said OH NO STAY AT HOME AS LONG AS YOU CAN BECAUSE YOU'LL BE BROKE AND DEPRESSED OTHERWISE. Fuck fuck fuck. That's not what I wanted to hear. I didn't want the truth. Never did. Dreams are for people with balls. I don't have balls. I only have the imaginary life. Imaginary world. Imaginary me. If I stay at home forever I will seal the deal. I really will have no life. Even if I try and fix things and go get an engineering degree, get charted and get a job I still won't be able to do anything. I'll be a walking corpse still doing my stupid shit depressed at how I lacked the balls to try and follow my dream. I could go to art school and postpone my suffering. That would be typical of me. Go and have fun for three years then get a slam in the face of reality. And be stuck in debt.

I've considered suicide three or four times these past few days. I've picked myself up and told myself stories about how I could fly a couple of times. Fall seven times get up eight? What's the point if you keep falling? Fall infinity times get up infinity? I'm running out of energy. What the fuck is my life? Maybe I'm just being stupid. Maybe everything is fine. maybe I'm ok and I just choose to think like this? yea? no.  No nonono. It's the truth and you know it. If gravity doesn't exist then why do I keep sinking to the bottom? Good question. The answer is gravity does exist and the bottom is where you belong because you're a shit swimmer. It's not like I'd be missing anyone or anything. Quick departure. Easy. This makes a good note actually. then nothing. nothing to worry about. End the electrical impulses that constitute my perception. That bind me to the carnal dumbshit desires of this vessel for a molecule that simply has the ability to replicate itself. That's all it is. Just wanting to reproduce. Pass on genes. I can't even do that. I'm a defect. A broken vessel. And you can't even go beyond that. Can't own your humanity. Because what is there to own. Nothing. nothing. Just a sack of shit that can't participate. Maybe I should print this shit off and glue it to my chest before I kick the bucket. Then people would know. Nah they don't need to know. They only need to know because you feel the need to be heard when you can;t be heard by any motherfucker because no one will ever really give a shit about you BECAUSE YOU DON'T GIV E A SHIT ABOUT THEM. That's why you left this place. That's why you left the people that helped you so much. Perhaps I should just delete this and go for it then. Nah. perhaps there is still something. haha no what the fuck do you even think you're doing? You've thought there was something so many times. You were playing pass the parcel with yourself and get what. Underneath every single layer of wrapping there was nothing. It was all just paper. You missed the point. You had to play with other people but you couldn't and you NEVER WILL because you're so SHIT.

Stupid fucking submit topic button is mocking me. "Haha look at you you  fucking retard! Can't push the button! Can't hang yourself. You've been thinking about it for ages. All you need is a basket that dressing gown cord and the shower door railing. Easy. It's all there. Don't tell me you don't have the balls to kill yourself. Don't tell me YOU CAN'T EVEN TALK TO INTERNET PEOPLE ABOUT IT? What are you gonna do? Copy and paste this shit onto a text file on your desktop so it can sit among the other piece of shit letters to yourself? Yup you did it. You made a lot of progressmaking this shit. Wow well done. Save your progress. Yup . Too weak to tell anyone the truth. it's too hard isn't it. Well look on the bright side. Maybe if you post this someone at least will get some entertainment. That's all you are. Entertainment. Fucking freak show. Your parent love you. But that's just parents. Just the biological drive to rpotect their young at all costs. I'm the vessel of their genes. I'm their fundamental purpose. And i'm fucking worthless. They don't see that. They don't see really what's going on in my head. I'm just too perfect. Too good at everything. You were good at pretending that. Pretend pretend pretend."

I'm like some stupid emo on myspace. They all got better though didn't they? That was really just a fucking phase for them? They all got jobs and girlfriends and kids and now they're all 30 something and happy and whatever? That's how it's supposed to work right? they really didn't have problems though. maybe I don't have problems. Maybe I'm just imaginaing things because I feel a little sad about whatever. Yea thats right. Tell yourself more stories. fuck. I can't deal with this shit anyone. Tell myself stories to help me swim. Then plummet down when I bash into something. And I keep swimming again. because my brain demands I live. But live for what.? I'm all fucked up inside but this biological drive to live compels me. What if depression was a mechanism for removing broken genes from the gene pool? That would make sense. so am I going to push the button or what? What Am I going to do. I can't type forever. Just push the button you fuck. DO it.It's easy really. but why? why should I when there's no point. Why should I when I should just end this fucking journey right now? Maybe I do want to live. Maybe . Yea then you'll jst get up again and flop again later. SHIT.

Nobody want to see this. I don't want to see this. I just want to be happy. But I can't. I won't. I've read this over a few times. here and there. maybe I should just tell someone. some random fucks on the internet. not like it'll matter. I probably wont come back to see the response to this shit.no no i don't need to talk to anyone. it's ok. it's really all just ok. 

you almost did it. you almost jumped . but you were to scared. that you might fuck it all up. who cares. you belong in a mental ward anyway. if they take you away. who gives one. no. that would be bad. worse. you would be stuck there forever. fucked up alone. you need a way out. wish I could just push a button and have it all go

i have one life so I should make the most of it? i don't think I cn stand by that statement. I don't think I can truly value it like that.i'll forget. I'll fuck it up. I'll get fucked up again. what the fuck. push the fucking button. make the post. you need help. get help. if you cant talk to your 

fuck I hate looking at my own relflection. desperately trying to find a sad song that might 'save my life'. what is there to save. 

it's been a few hours. still haven't posted anything yet. can I really help myself? I have to go to work in under 2 hours. then what? will I break down while I'm doing the fucking dishes? just a burden. i need to get off the internet and do something. haha what's that? you're getting up and moving on now? see what did I tell you. told you you'd forget about it. Just type it off and walk away. when's it going to end? tell me. when are you going to buckle down and live? but I can't fucking live. when there's no life to lead anymore. I am me and that is enough proof. i wish I wasn't so self conscious. then I wouldn't hate myself. then I would be living ignorantly and happy .fuck.

i'll submit the post now and see what happens. i suppose the only way out apart from offing myself is to try and talk to someone. get out of the echo chamber. i'll just contradict myself forever otherwise. i don't fcking know. "what if I'm wrong?" that's the only inclination of hope I've had so far. a shit hope. a last jab. I'll submit the post. the fucking title just makes me want to retch. i can't believe I've sunk so low. and I can't even take myself seriously. i'm crying to a bunch of random people on the internet. why wont you submit the post already? typing wont help anymore. it's ok to ask for help. right? fuck my life.

[destoroyah]

Sorry, didn't have time to read it all, so I write some oraculous shit.

Make change your home and anguish your peace, men are built on wrong decisions. It's not about the decisions, but how you handle the consequences: live with them, or shift the rudder quickly with determination if there is a chance.

Accept your ugly sides, they become better. You can rely on them the most, they grant you stability.

Carry your heart outward, no matter how many arrows pierce it or words scar it. It will survive or die, either way is a good one.

Do what you believe in, and people will stand behind you. Never waver, or they will eat you.

Edited July 22, 2017 by destoroyah

[Schwing]

And I will handle the consequences by ending myself. Never thought I'd have to say that. But I suppose it doesn't really matter anymore. My heart has too many loopholes. Too fucked up to carry it outward. It's high time I stopped being afraid and did it.

[Cam Adair]

And I will handle the consequences by ending myself. Never thought I'd have to say that. But I suppose it doesn't really matter anymore. My heart has too many loopholes. Too fucked up to carry it outward. It's high time I stopped being afraid and did it.

Hi brother. You are not alone. I know it's hard. This too shall pass. I have been suicidal much of my life too. Keep going. It's OK to feel this way. 

There is a lot of help available in the U.K. Please reach out to them. This video has also helped me in tough times. This one too. This one too.

We are here for you.

[Schwing]

I didn't do it.

I waited for my parents to leave the house while listening to my favourite songs. They left. I got a rope from the pulley system on the drying rack for washing and googled 'how to tie a noose'. I made one and hung it from a big wooden beam that goes across my kitchen. I stood on a chair and wrapped the noose around my neck. I could have just fell backwards and everything would have ended. Right there. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't really feel like I was that close. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I didn't 'have the balls' to do it. Maybe I valued my life. I took it on and off and I just stood there crying then I went upstairs and typed the suicide hotline's number into my phone but I didn't call them. I thought I was going crazy. I was screaming and babbling and punching the wall and beating the floor and singing. I tried to tell myself it wasn't real.

Then my stepdad found me. I stared into blank space for a while but then he came to comfort me and I broke down and cried. I showed him the noose. And then he showed my mum. And then I cried with her on the bed for a while and I told her I hated myself and I wanted to die and I had no future because I was so fucked up and I was too scared to show anyone my problems because I thought they would label me crazy. There was an actual pool of mucus and tears where I had my head. It was pretty weird. And then she gave me sleeping pills and I tried to go to sleep but they didn't work for some reason. So I just watched anime until I felt drowsy and I went to sleep. All the while I had the song running round my head. It got stuck there. All the right line at the right time. If I had to name one song that saved my life it would be this one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elyQDxP8QY8 

I feel better now. A bit. I feel happier. I feel like I'm 5 years old again. But still a bit sad. I just need some time to heal. My parents say i should talk to people more. I think they are right. But I was never really that good at talking to people and that kind of stuff. And I don't feel very good at it now. I just feel really scared and weak. But I know I have to try and talk to people about my problems instead of bottling it up in my head. Real people. Not internet people. I've been keeping myself from human interaction these years and it's eaten away at me. So I have to try and talk to people. I haven't done any drawing in a few days. I like art. I know I'm not that good but I really want to improve. And I really want to give it everything. But now I know I have other things to worry about. Like friends and family. I push them all away because I'm too scared to show weakness. Now I know there here for me and I don't have to be afraid to talk about it. I'm glad I didn't kill myself. I've never been that close to death before. It was just a step away. And actual step off a fucking chair. HAH. I don't really know right now. I suppose I'm just a bit shaken up. I think I should try and talk to some of my closest friends. I just need to recover and then I'll think about where I'm going from there. I just feel pretty weak right now. But I feel pretty good at the same time. I'm going to talk to people. I need to tell people about my problems and stop pushing my friends away. I don't know if I'm going to be alone forever. I don't know if I'll ever find a woman. But I'll just have to wait and see because I'm sure as hell not giving up yet.

I want to apologise to everyone for not being there perhaps when you needed my help but I'm just really happy that you were all there when I needed you guys because I wouldn't be here otherwise. And I really want to be there for other people. There are people around me that are lonely too and I need to be there for them too and I find it hard to be there but I know I have to try because I wont have a life if I don't. I feel like I have a clean slate now. At least it's a little cleaner. Because I managed to cry and show people a little bit. So I have to keep trying. Try and be a better person. I'm sorry for letting my ego get in the way of our relationships sometimes but I really enjoyed all the times we had and I want to have more until I drop down dead for real. Not at my own hands.

If anyone feels suicidal or depressed please talk to someone. Just give someone you know you can trust the slightest indication and they will help you. And it feels hard for me now but I know that I don't want to leave just yet now and that's enough so just keep fucking living no matter what. You can drop me a message if you want. I'm not good at talking really but I don't suppose I can do much harm. You're not crazy. You're not a stupid edgy teen. You're not just a dickhead. Just talk to someone. They will understand because they love you. All your thoughts come from your emotions. Don't let your emotions get the better of you and don't fucking quit because then there wont be any more emotions.

This might be one of the last posts I make here. I think I have to move on. I'm sorry. You guys helped me through some pretty sticky shit. And I just want to apologise to everyone and thank everyone individually. But I just feel pretty weak right now so just please wait and I'll be there so don't worry. I don't know if I'm going to stay off games. I really used to like playing games with my friends but then I pushed them all away and I got so alone. But I'm getting better. And I don't want to be alone anymore. And I want to fucking live! And I'm not afraid to talk about things anymore!

[destoroyah]

Uh...

Sorry I didn't write more before, I have little time as of late... I feel really bad about that now. I wasn't aware circumstances were so grave.

I hope you realize that you still have most of your life ahead of you, and with your age nothing is set in stone. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Your life is not fucked up at all. It's good, be happy.

Women come and go, and so do friends. Yea they're cool, yea we want them in our lives, but the more we want them or need them – the less we get them. So fuck 'em, get busy with something you care about and the like-minded will find you. 

[Cam Adair]

Hi brother. I want to recognize you for the immense courage you have shown being open here. It takes so much bravery to do so, and only speaks to the fact that you have that within yourself already - when you choose to embrace it. I also want to thank you for sharing, because it allows others here to see that they are not alone, just as you are not alone. Many of us in this community relate to, and struggle with, depression and suicidal thoughts. By you being open, you have brought this discussion forward and although not all will reply, there are many who are reading and lurking that are being impacted greatly by your courage. Finally, I want to remind you that we need you in this community. Your contributions, not only in your honesty, but in your interaction with others has been seen time and time again. From your journal, to your case study, members from all around the world are inspired by you, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, or if you don't feel as though you've been making as much progress as you'd like. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, but a sign of STRENGTH. Why? Just look at how many people struggle to ask for help. Being able to ask for help, and leaning on the support you have around you - including this forum, this community, your parents, your friends, or anyone else - takes a great strength. Do not underestimate it. You are far stronger than you think right now. You are seen. You are felt. And you are loved. It is OK to not feel OK. It is OK to ask for help. It is OK to speak with a professional counsellor or suicide hotline. We have your back and you will persevere. We will meet some day. 

[Tux]

Following your dreams takes a lot of courage. Do not blame yourself for that. Everyone make mistakes. We always hear about those who dropped out of schools and made billions afterward, but we never hear about those who drop out to follow their dreams, without getting much success.

WHY do you keep coming here ? HOW can you solve those problems ? I once read the story of a guy who wanted to kill himself by jumping of the golden gate. He survived it, and he tells, when he jumped he suddenly realized how this decision was completely stupid, as EVERYTHING else in his life was fixable. It will not be easy. There will be ups and downs.

You need professional help. We can only help you so much, none of us here is a professional, even if we might have some knowledge to share. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.

[Schwing]

Alright I'll just make a post here to say this:

I'm alive still so you can stop worrying about me. I've stopped caring about being a loser virgin autistic retard and I've stopped throwing a hissy fit over it. I'm sorry I got you all worried and probably cringed out with all my shitty autistic emo posts. I've ditched my stupid dreams and I'm just going for an engineering degree. Sick of trying. Sick of faking shit. I'm out to go and play some elder scrolls online and watch cartoons for the rest of my summer. Have a good one. Oh yea and @Cam Adair if you can delete all my posts somehow I would really appreciate that. Just having privacy concerns.

[BigPete247]

Following your dreams takes a lot of courage. Do not blame yourself for that. Everyone make mistakes. We always hear about those who dropped out of schools and made billions afterward, but we never hear about those who drop out to follow their dreams, without getting much success.

WHY do you keep coming here ? HOW can you solve those problems ? I once read the story of a guy who wanted to kill himself by jumping of the golden gate. He survived it, and he tells, when he jumped he suddenly realized how this decision was completely stupid, as EVERYTHING else in his life was fixable. It will not be easy. There will be ups and downs.

You need professional help. We can only help you so much, none of us here is a professional, even if we might have some knowledge to share. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.

I agree, like me it takes an amazing amount of mental strength to endure without fault, but its really up to us to make that decision to improve our lives, only YOU are responsible for YOU, i wouldn't let nobody take that from you as you find your strength and weaknesses. Knowing that, Life won't set you up to fail, negativity will. 

[Piotr]

Alright I'll just make a post here to say this:

I'm alive still so you can stop worrying about me. I've stopped caring about being a loser virgin autistic retard and I've stopped throwing a hissy fit over it. I'm sorry I got you all worried and probably cringed out with all my shitty autistic emo posts. I've ditched my stupid dreams and I'm just going for an engineering degree. Sick of trying. Sick of faking shit. I'm out to go and play some elder scrolls online and watch cartoons for the rest of my summer. Have a good one. Oh yea and @Cam Adair if you can delete all my posts somehow I would really appreciate that. Just having privacy concerns.

A proof of strength!

You overcame all of this hard times, stopped feeling sorry about yourself which is a first step for better life. You are taking these steps right now and it's good that you shared your struggle with us, because the worst thing you can do is stay alone.

What about switching playing elder scrolls with taking a long stroll?