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Tux

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  1. I am asking for help here. I have no clue about what to do. So far nothing is different with last summer in term of effective and healthy coping mechanism.
  2. I am already DOING most of what you talked about. How is doing those things an excuse ?
  3. Thanks you for your quick reply, those are good tips. However, I've been working for years on loving myself unconditionally (to the point where I can observe myself relapsing without being judgemental about myself); also been following a morning routine for months, and also know about the growth and fixed mindset. That leaves B, I'll find some time to have a look at it. How would a vision stops me from relapsing ? I already have quite a lot of personal goals, like finishing my studies, doing some gardening, meeting more people (will be difficult this week). It might just very well be that I am just afraid of relapsing, not that I necessarily will. I've been game free for more than 7 months, and before that for more than a year, so gaming is clearly not what I am used to do.
  4. Hello game quitters, I have not posted here in a while, as I've been successfully dealing with the few cravings I had. I've been very busy and able to do a lot of things that I would not have been doing if I was still hooked on games. Last time I relapsed, I was about to have a lonely summer: it was me working in the day, seeing the same few people (at most 4 or 5 different persons), and coming back home alone. Pretty much nothing to do with others in the evening, as everyone else was away, college events where not happening as it was the summer... I mostly saw family, every few week-end and that was it. I managed to build myself a pretty busy life, however next week there are holidays. And even if I'll still be working during them, I'm afraid I'll just snap and binge on video-games, as it happened a few months ago, because of the loneliness. How can I "survive" this week ? What can I do differently ? I'll try to find things to do with other people but it's going to be though; despite that, what do you think one can do to get through such times ? Thanks you for reading.
  5. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    Damn. I come home, there is no magic time machine that transport me to three hours later, without much to show for it. There's some kind of void, but that's a good thing. Youtube, games... these are a few of the things that you can get in front of, and basically lose yourself in. I can't have activities that have the characteristic of me not being able to leave them for a while. Reading ? This take some effort, and I probably won't stop eating or sleeping just to finish reading something. Learning something, building, whatever. You just can't overdo it. We have evolved so far to be able to stop doing those things when we really need to go to sleep. Control is harder for some things, especially when those things are engineered to override every limits in you, and engage everything designed in you to make you stick to something. On the other hand, classes are boring me to tears. I spent the week not listening. I guess I needed a break. Hopefully this will do as a break, as I can't just stop working on classes for the rest of the year, and I will come next week more productive.
  6. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    Thanks ! When I grew up with games, I used to somewhat despise TV. But what's the difference with youtube ? Basically, none. People spend hours a day in front of their TVs; I don't want to be like that. I don't own a TV; but if it's instead to spend hours in front of youtube... It's also engineered to be like games: addictive. All the recommendations, all the bell and whistle, it's just so you keep coming back on it. They don't care if you're ruining your life by binge watching. They only care about the money they generate. At least on my case they didn't make any since I use ad blockers. It's time for me to take back control of my time. Instead of aiming for huge changes, I thought about aiming for small improvement. Things so small I am guaranteed to be able to do them. Sometimes a bigger change will be needed, but for now I'll stick to the small things.
  7. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    I want to try something new. Recently, I have been wasting tons of time on Youtube. Yea, youtube can be educational, it can be good, etc. What's the point if I don't control what I watch there ? What if I can't ? Maybe I can control what I watch more effectively. Some of it might be educational, but would I rather learn some useless stuff, something completely irrelevant to my current life that DO what matters ? But right now, I am going to try 90 days without it. I don't want to waste my time on it. But what's the point if I play whack-a-mole with every little addiction that pops its ugly head ? Stopping things that are similar just when it's obvious it's a problem ? Maybe I should ban also the other things, like news checking, etc. I find myself at the end of week-end too often wondering where has all that time gone. And I tell myself that I don't have enough time for my projects.
  8. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    I relapsed... more than three months ago. :D I felt like coming back here and talk a bit about how it's going. I think my relapse was because of the fact that I was about to spend my first summer on my own; seeing only family on some week-ends, and being somewhat guaranteed that I wouldn't see many people during the week. This was the summer, and so most of the people I could have hanged out with weren't there. Now, I sometime think about games, but I don't want anything to do with them. Still, I sometimes have dreams about them, like this night. I was playing runescape; ironically after this I realized I skipped class, and I was completely out of control emotionally. I really hope dreams on this subject will become rarer over time. It's not only unpleasant, but it sometimes make you feel like games are the only thing that happened in your life. I've started going to small events in the evening, as a way to be around people, possibly meet interesting people, and also work on a subject with others. When my studies are over, I'll have a lot of free time outside of school. No more homework ! So I'll be able to do quite a lot of things for myself. I don't know where I'll be in a year or two, but this can be interesting to know some places where things happen. I've read another of my previous post; games are designed to be light enough on the mind so that you can stay 12 hours in front of them and feel just a bit bad at the end. The other day, I was in the flow. I was working on a school lab, I was really deep in it... and I had to stop after 2 and a half hour on it, I was getting tired. In real life, things really tire you after some time, so you can't spend dozen of hours on them. It's quite natural really, we adapted to the real world, not to human-made systems designed to exploit your vulnerabilities. And if I manage to spend dozen of hours on that lab, I'll be good at its subject; but with a game ? With a worthless achievement ? Games are worthless. Give me your save file, a good hex editor and some time, and BAM, you have infinite everything in the game, DONE. In real life, not so much. I could try to give myself infinite money at the bank, but I'm sure someone would find it weird... there's not point with games. No success. I'm going to get more time for myself after I finish my studies, but I can't help and regret all the time wasted. If I spent a fraction of that time on something else, man... but the past is the past.
  9. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    About 3 weeks since the last relapse. There's a slight fear of relapsing with the coming week-end, but I can plan a tons of things to do instead of gaming. If I play, it will be for probably 16 hours. Else, I can do some gardening, produce some music, work on a little electronic project idea I had, do some programming, clean up the house, make a nice recipe, work on learning some maths topic for a programming project of mine, play the piano, learn more about some of the software I use, make a badge for this forum, learn another programming language... Playing is not an option. I will not be able to do all of those things for 16 hours straight, but there's a good reason for that. Gaming can't be moderated.
  10. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    Well, I'm kind of broke at the moment, and would prefer to spend as little as possible, so paying to read a book (by going to a cafe), I honestly can't do that. But, as I'm still a student, I do know a place where I could go, although not in the summer (as far as I know they are closed, but I might be wrong) and just read without ordering anything. Group exercises could be a thing, but again, it's summer, and it's going to be difficult to find something to join. However, I'm keeping this idea for September. There's two issues, really: I have so many things I want to do, that just spending one evening in the week feel somewhat like less time for other things. And the fact that I realize now that I have a social life issue, but the foundations for that should have been laid months ago, so I would have a social life now, when I actually need one. I've got to take one day in the week, and try something otherwise nothing will change. One thing that could interest me is a hackerspace near where I live, I can give it a try.
  11. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    Instead of playing games, I watched some random shit on Youtube. It's far from being a perfect replacement, but it's still better than a relapse. It was close yesterday, as I saw a mention of rimworld on some forum. As far as I can tell, it's simply a lack of a social life. I'm not seeing much people this summer, as it's the first summer of my life I am not spending in some way with my parents. So, week-end are tough, but now I know that, and can anticipate. I clearly don't lack anything to do otherwise, if I want some growth well there's all the activities I have available. Quite a few of those would be a challenge... for a team of dedicated professional. I'm safe on the challenge side too. Temporary escape, I can always read. But social ? There's the occasional outdoor stuff I do with a few people, but it's uncommon. I never used games much to socialize, but I think they might have been an "effective" way to numb this need instead. I am alone, so be it. I don't need to flee from that fact. Knowing it is a fact will let me find solution to that loneliness. Even with classes, I didn't feel that lonely: there were people to talk to quite often, and since this summer I'm working mostly alone, it might also be another reason why the week-end are so tough. But it's an interesting perspective, knowing that there can be legitimate reasons to actually DREAD week-ends, holidays... for now I might need to find some crutch, like online chats or similar, but I won't be able to live like that indefinitely. The problem is, when am I going to tackle this issue. I am reading a really interesting book about business and personal growth, it's called "How will you measure your life". And one of the key in this book, is that your strategy is not what you are thinking, it's were you are actually allocating resources to. Anyone can have huge plans in every areas of his life, but only when you actually put the resources to these areas they can start moving forward. Obviously, you can't put all your resources everywhere too; add to this the fact that we have real flaws that stops us from realizing certain things if we don't spend some time thinking about them, and it's easy to lose your way and become someone you despise.
  12. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    Having some urges again, with some rationalization, that it would "help me learn" things like managing resources, etc. But not relapse since the last time. I can learn most of those skills in real life anyway.
  13. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    Reading again my journal seem to help. Unfortunately it's only 3 page long, but at least there is a journal to read. I'm saying it myself, it would take me an eternity to make a game. And playing rimworld, well, that would take way too much time. I do need to take time off sometimes, but the key is, sometimes, not every second. I just can't control myself with games. I am transitioning to a life of "sleep, work, come back home"; and I know how essential the last part can be: you can waste it, or, you can use it, or at the very least use a part of it, to start building a meaningful life, work on your projects, see friends... I don't want to debate on video-games. I started this journal on the premise that they are gone forever. I don't know what the future holds, but I clearly want that to be as true as possible. Slip up do happen, but they happen for a reason. Either you stay blind to that reason, or you address it. In my case, I believe a lack of social life is a big problem, as well as putting up too much pressure on myself. Those results in me losing control and just binging. Who wouldn't, when everything you do has to be perfect ?
  14. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    I've relapsed a few days ago. Unlike other relapses though, I've managed to stop it midway. I started having this huge obsession, until I reached the point where I just downloaded Rimworld, and played on it until midnight. I also spent the whole Saturday on it, but I managed to stop it from overtaking my whole week-end, and I deleted it without re-downloading it on Sunday. It very strange, I'm not even sure I correctly registered that I broke my streak. Playing, it also felt like I was just watching myself play or something. I rationalized in a way that was powerful enough to make me relapse. I had thoughts about this game and another, Supreme Commander, and somehow I need to be much better at managing things. Since there is a huge management aspect, both with resources and people/machines in those games, it was as if those were the solution. Why do I need to be better at managing things and resources ? It's not something that would hurt in my life (being better in those skill sets), however spending almost dozens of hours in front of games to "learn" would hurt my life and organization much more. I am not a little kid anymore. I can't spend the summer in front of games. Even if I could, I would want to do productive things too. And the urges are really, really strong to come back. "Just" for that game, of course. Well, that, and also "just" getting back into game dev. Right now, with a day job, I have some time for me in the evening. I think that being too strict with myself (as in I come home from work, I have to stay 2 hours doing something productive, with strict goals, etc) put too much pressure on myself, and I end up overly stressed and relapsing. That time can be used to work on little things I'm doing and that I enjoy, and apparently I need to keep the commitment light (AKA work on those, but without stretching myself to much); but if start having hundred of projects, nothing will ever move forward. And something like game dev also require a LOT of work. In the past, I also "needed" to do it all, from the code to the music, graphics, and even further, like the website and community and security and... I'm pretty sure it's super easy to do all that, obviously the fact that those are jobs in themselves which also require years of learning doesn't matter. /s I don't remember urges being this strong. It's like a part of my brain just shut off, like there is only the good reasons to play that are available for me to get. I honestly am not sure what do to. There is honestly some enjoyment with this, as I enjoy the process of building something, learning from your mistakes, and managing it all. But is it really worth all the hours ? If I were to limit myself to one or several hours, it would not be enough. In fact, I'm not sure playing 100 hours in two weeks would be enough. Am I genuinely wanting to create a game, and to play this one ? Is it "me", or the addiction ?
  15. Tux

    Tux's Journal

    Thanks for your reply Cam. For the social side, basically there should be a party somewhere in the middle of the summer with a few friends, a few family stuff too, but there is nothing else. And I think it is an issue. I'm not in my hometown for most of the summer, and since it's summer, there won't be much people I know to meet... so basically my social need will not be met properly. I could try to find things to do in the week-end that involve other people.