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Adem's Journal


SegaCity
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December 21st, 2015  Monday

I woke up today before writing the words: "I will be strong today. Today would be great if I get through the day like every other day".

After a night of total insomnia, I awoke around 12:00 PM. I was feeling better, things were looking good. I went on like I usually did. Went shopping with my mom at Fortinos for some Christmas food. I was happy to get out and see all the tired Italians gazing upon the food. I can imagine them dreaming about what they're going to cook or make in the future. I know how it is because I'm half Italian and I love to cook actually. But I'm the most emotional cook you've seen. Worthy of being a student of Gordon Ramsay (maybe I will in the future who knows lol). When I cook I pour my heart into it, just like I played games. So shopping at Fortinos is amazing, where they know that the Italian customers look for the best quality food product. You can watch the workers bustle around and aren't afraid of interrupting the customers at all, they just want the food to be at the best possible state. Give them a bit more room to be themselves and I bet they would start a watermelon passing line between fruits aisle and the back of the market.

Although I still had a little bit of anxiety and impatience because of not smoking, it wasn't as bad as yesterday (thank god). I came home and did some exersize. Felt good bro. I think I'm going to make it... I MUST make it :D I definately will, there's no turning back. After all these amazing supportive comments also; I can't go back.

All in all things are looking okay.

 

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Awesome! Cooking is something I want to improve... sometimes I like cooking, but frequently I dread it and convince myself that it's difficult and time consuming and end up eating junk food :(. Definitely a habit I want to change. I envy that you can feel so passionate about it!

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Awesome! Cooking is something I want to improve... sometimes I like cooking, but frequently I dread it and convince myself that it's difficult and time consuming and end up eating junk food :(. Definitely a habit I want to change. I envy that you can feel so passionate about it!

It is kinda time consuming. I like to think of it as a short term project. Actually it's kind of like a game, 30 mins - 1 hour long. The thing I like the most is I never know what I'm going to get, I cook like I'm conducting a symphony. I go totally freestyle. I also never taste while making it, it kills the climax. When I'm done I sit and eat it, and review on it (just like I would with a game). Bad or good, I feel a sense of accomplishment. But I don't do it much because: yes it seems so time consuming, and I haven't been able to keep a sharp eye on the time and organizing it.

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Throw an audiobook or podcast on when you're cooking and it's awesome. 30-60 mins is no big deal. You used to game for 6 hours a day and finding time for that was easy. :P :P

If you want to have more lady friends in your life, up your cooking game. Trust me. ;)

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December, 22, 2015 Tuesday 10:56 PM

Hi people

Today I went to a funeral of a relative who my mom was close to. She unfortunately died at the age of 48 because of stage 4 cancer. 

It was a grounding experience. We will miss her.

Today I don't feel like writing much. I'll just read some and go to bed.

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December 23 2015, Wednesday

My sleeping schedule has been hurting and bugging me, with insomnia I'm not able to sleep for up to 4 hours. Nights are awful.

I made a good breakfast, read and then exersized. Today wasn't so special. 

I feel down. I feel like I'm not putting out my %100. I feel like my eyes and mind wonders off a million times a day. I feel like I want to gouge my eyes out with a fish knife every time I procrastinate or take a hammer and chisel to my cheek bones. Sometimes I feel so ashamed I punch myself in the face, slap myself or pull deep scratches into my skin if I have long nails. 

I have a fucking list of fucking things to do, and it doesn't alarm me at all. 

I don't know what to do. 

On the bright side it's been 4 days since my last cigarette. 19 days since my last game. I'm almost fully done my first book. I've come a long way in terms of my health.

w.e

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Hey SegaCity,

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the death of your relative. My heart goes out to you and your family. 

I also feel when you're coming from, as I was kind of feeling like that the other day when you posted on my journal. Shame, as Cam pointed out to me the other day, isn't the most helpful of emotions, and one that I feel often. Realizing that has kind of been an eye-opener for me and will hopefully go a long way to making positive feedback loops where I'm more motivated by what I'm doing well and then doing more of that, rather than making negative feedback loops where I am more stressed out about what I'm doing wrong and then stressing and doing more wrong as a result of it. I was recommended, and recommend to you, to take a look at Brene Brown's TED talk on shame.

Just take everything one day at a time, one task at a time and breathe. You're quitting smoking AND gaming AND NoFapping at the same time. That's seriously amazing. And just like you told me the other day "Things will get better mate." You keep it up and you bet they will! :)

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Occasionally feeling shame or other negative emotions isn't necessarily a bad thing. (In the same way that physical pain isn't always a bad thing) Trouble is, people often hold onto shame long after it's outlived is usefulness. Pain, whether physical or mental is never something you want to hold onto long-term.

When we're babies we get some negative reinforcement. But we also get a tonne of encouragement.  As we get older the ratio tends to shift to the negative side.

The worst thing about this, is that it's often our own self talk that's got a 90% negative to 10% positive ratio.(Made up figures, but I'm willing to bet the average person is close to this)

The good thing about this is that it's your self talk.  Which means you have the power to change it. It's not easy (especially when you first start), but it is possible to notice how you talk to yourself. And change it.

Next time you catch yourself mentally beating yourself up.

STOP 

Think, "I'm doing awesome with ____"

Celebrate your wins. Even if they're small wins.

Especially if they're small wins.

 

Be proud of yourself. You're making progress. And as you gain more momentum you will keep getting better and better.

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Hey Adem. Keep celebrating "on the bright side". Celebrating your small wins is huge to build a positive feedback loop ("When I do the things I want to do I feel good, feeling good feels good.") Focus on encouragement instead of discouragement. Hold yourself accountable yes, but the more you can have positive self-talk the better. One day, one hour at a time.

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December 26 2015 Saturday 12:38 AM

Hey bitches

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Ramadan Mubarek, whatever.

These last 2 days have been a reward for my accomplishments. Food galore, good times with family. Shootin' the good ol' shit.

I'm going to fucking isolate myself for a bit here. Nail boards over the door. Tape newspaper to the window. Offer my blood to the satanic god Baphomet              ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

I got into my groove the other night, when I got a bit mellow. I'm feeling that music again, that good music. I'm gonna get shit done. 

Ch-ch-check out my new "goal paper".

1- Be financially free

2- Lose weight and get buff and shit

3- Read books and study shit, knowledge is awesome

4-Own a car

5-Go to Tokyo

6-LOOK AT THIS FUCKING CONDO OMG I LOVE INTERIOR DESIGN HOOOOLY SHIT

 

I'm grateful for Queens of the Stone Age. When I was 16 I went to Germany by myself to visit my uncle, there I bought this very album, and listened to it for the rest of the trip. I love music mane. 

Queens of the Stone Age - Era Vulgaris 

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December 26, 2015 Saturday 10:48 PM

Today I was full of energy, I didn't stop to procrastinate, I'm really proud mang. The cigarette urges are >9000. Exersize after all that christmas food was a struggle.

Played gin wif me mum. Planned new furniture for my room.

'evin me a giggle.

All is well

Oh I also finished "The Slight Edge", onto "Daring Greatly". I'm in the middle of that one.

 

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December 27, 2015 Sunday 11:54

Oi m80

Woke up today with a fucking spotless clean room, I had cleaned it last night  (I <3 Cleaning).

Today was cool. I did a bit of a run, tried Tai Chi and yoga just to get a feel of what it's like. 

Stopped using any website or video to meditate, from now on it's freestyle.

Started listening to the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Until I find something better (more helpful).

yeeep..

 

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December 28, 2015 Monday 11:20 PM

Today I was supposed to go for a job interview thingy, I had to complete a test. But slept instead, it's k tho. I'll just go tomorrow. Sleeping has been a super huge issue. 

My fitness game is on point but I'm losing track of other things that I promised myself I would do, it saddens me. I've fixed my posture a bit since I started though :)

Been eating well these days, which makes me happy.

Interior design is awesome tho

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Make sure you go today.

One of the hard truths about life is that the reason you (by you I mean everyone) don't have everything you want is because you lack integrity. If you say you're going to do something, you must do it

Stay true to your word and success is inevitable.

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Make sure you go today.

One of the hard truths about life is that the reason you (by you I mean everyone) don't have everything you want is because you lack integrity. If you say you're going to do something, you must do it

Stay true to your word and success is inevitable.

That's something I do have to work on, I was actually thinking about it today. 

I actually went and got a job today though :D I start tomorrow, fingers crossed for all going well :P

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Congrats Adem! This will take a lot of your time I guess, so better be prepared to doing productive things for yourself when you don't work. So no gaming, no mindlessly surfing the internet, etc ... it doesn't happen overnight and isn't always easy, but if you start working on that, who knows where you can get in life?! ;)

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December 31, 2015 Thursday 12:30 PM

I'm writing this with awful pain in my hands

Yesterday was my first day on a job given to me by my agency (temp job agency). It was at a Pepsi distribution center. We would unpack/pack items such as Quaker Oats Cereal, Gatorade and a whole bunch of other products. My job was to take the box of product off the skid, open the box and take the product out to the table. 

Even though I've been training for about a month to get back into shape and be ready for such a situation, it fucking killed me. For 8 hours almost non-stop I was a fucking unpackaging machine. I couldn't grasp any item near the end of the day, I got injured in between my thighs, standing all day is something I can endure but my steel toe boots were tight near the toes so I got immense blisters. It was horrible. I got through the day doing the best I could.

So today I called in saying I can't work. My agency found me something easier, which I will take in the future. It's all unfortunate but I'm glad it all happened.

I looked around at the faces of the people working and said to myself "I shouldn't be here, I can do better". It was sad, I wish I could start my own business or do something myself. 

Back to the drawing board I guess :) 

Happy new year everyone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYmiJ5qCtWg

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January 1, 2016 8:35 PM

Hey ho.

Last night I played a couple of hours of league of legends. This one girl I was coaching / friend with wanted help on a matchup she was losing. So I said just for new years sake I'll play with her a bit. We had 3 games 1v1 and played a matchmaking game together. After that I deleted the game again. It went okay actually, didn't feel addictive like it used to. 

I have a whole bunch of book names, podcast names and bookmarked websites right now it's fucking amazing. 

Off to organize that shit up :) 

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January 1, 2016 8:35 PM

Hey ho.

Last night I played a couple of hours of league of legends. This one girl I was coaching / friend with wanted help on a matchup she was losing. So I said just for new years sake I'll play with her a bit. We had 3 games 1v1 and played a matchmaking game together. After that I deleted the game again. It went okay actually, didn't feel addictive like it used to. 

I have a whole bunch of book names, podcast names and bookmarked websites right now it's fucking amazing. 

Off to organize that shit up :) 

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Glad you were able to game without it sucking you in farther than you wanted it to.

Love the picture!

In terms of bookmarking stuff, check out Pocket if you're interested in a way to save stuff to check out later, it's a great app.

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