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JaniP

Escaping Escapism - My journey from the start

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Little by little is how you make big gains over time. Great job!

Good job on all the little changes. Cam is right. They add up immensely.

Totally agreed here :)Thanks !

 

Day 12:

A lot of studying today too. I am feeling more and more happy about my life - and this is only the beginning... I am actually really excited every time, when a new day starts! After my two-year-long period of depression it feels like heaven now.

Today I went to a hardware store with my friend. I was ok until then but then I noticed the brand new gaming setups that they had there... Like they have similar in those e-sports arenas with the chairs and everything.. And they were on discount in the store :D Daaamn the cravings at that point!!! But I actually managed to just turn away and I started thinking for a substitute for the gaming-thoughts so instead of taking a closer look at the gaming rig specs, I turned towards the hifi-side. I had to wait for my friend so I spent a really awkward and somewhat scary 30mins in that store. After that the feeling inside me was similar to that, when (let's say that) you have a simple crush or a girlfriend and you see her just going with another guy. It's like an intrusive feeling I guess? Anyway, I hope I can deal with similar situations in the future. It was something really similar to the situations when my friends are trying to get me to play games after quitting them (luckily this didn't happen to me during this detox yet!).

Tomorrow should be an active day, also looking forward to spend a little time with my sister who is visiting me briefly now :) She was actually seemingly happy about my decision to quit games. As a matter of fact she might have been the person who started this thing in me - she was so rude to me the last time I was with her and it was all about how gaming destroys me and my personality. I think she was right. Now she even invited me for a pre-christmas party w/ her friends so things might get awesome (or awwwwwfully messy! :D).

 

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That's really nice to hear Yani. In my experience, when all I cared about was gaming, I also pushed family away. 
It's encouraging to hear that you are excited about life now. I'm glad for you! 
If you ever need a shoulder to support you when you have cravings, you can count on me!

 

T

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That's really nice to hear Yani. In my experience, when all I cared about was gaming, I also pushed family away. 
It's encouraging to hear that you are excited about life now. I'm glad for you! 
If you ever need a shoulder to support you when you have cravings, you can count on me!

 

T

Thanks! :)

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Doesn't require a scientist to deduct that one side effect of not gaming is also not sitting on the computer at all :D Again missed 2 days for the journal..

Day 13:

It was pretty much like the days so far, nothing special there really. Managed to go jogging in the evening, which I think is a good thing for that day. And studying the whole day naturally is good too.


Day 14:

Today was a different deal. I woke up at around 10 o clock, which is pretty early for me on a weekend. I had slept like 9 hours and I was so exhausted somehow.... Then I noticed this sharp pain in my throat, which I feel now too. So today was like a day off - I went walking to the forest to cool down my thoughts, watched TV with my family and just ate a lot. Feels like christmas already :D The bad thing however was, that my thoughts were full of gaming today. Everytime I opened YouTube, there was something about gaming. I was even dreaming (vividly) about gaming or something related to that. Actually I think it was a LAN-party in the middle of a farming field. I wonder if my subconsciousness is trying to tell me something :D?!

Now there is this thought in my head that I wanted to spit out here.. I think that I might be overdoing things a little at the moment. I feel the stress building up inside me and I am afraid that I have no means of getting rid of this stress.. :( It might be that I am just becoming sick here or something but I feel that I am just gonna burn myself out little by little if I carry on like this. Not really sure what to do here, but I will update the situation to this journal as time goes on. Some quantity of stress in life is necessary and helpful to get things done; it can really motivate us and give us the energy to do something, but also too much stress has its adverse effects - exhaustion, bad mood, etc.. I just don't want to be a quitter either (except a game quitter ;D) so I am kind of pinned down here. Maybe I should just try to relax. Trying to reach the computer at some time tomorrow too so that I can write more then.

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When you're making new changes it can feel like you're taking on too much because you're not used to taking on this much. It's not that you aren't able to take on the amount you are... it's just that you're not used to it. Hang in there. You have more capacity to take on a lot than you ever imagine.

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Day 15:

So it seems 1/6 of the detox is already done! This day was a bit better than the earlier one; I really took myself some time to relax and it was a day when I didn't have any thoughts related to relapsing or to bad things in general. Maybe it was a bit boring day too, but we gotta have them once in a while too.

 

Day 16:

I went to the school even though I didn't even have anything scheduled for the day there. Nowadays it feels that the school is the place to work, since I am not denying the usage of internet from myself. This means, that when I am at home, things tend to turn into watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy (yes, I watch it lol and I get critizised by that :D) or just some random surfing. Here I can see the difference between the general internet dependency/addiction and the gaming addiction. I couldn't have controlled gaming like this. Never. "I will go to school today, so that I will not be gaming the whole day!" Yeah, sure *insert sarcasm-face here*.

Today I also went wall-climbing again so my hands are aching like hell; I actually can call writing this journal an accomplishment now. Well, I'd dare to say, that it's an accomplishment for me every time. It's the hard part here :D But I actually think that this has subconsciously helped me already so I think writing this journal is worth the effort. I've set a record now in writing an own journal. \o/

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When you're making new changes it can feel like you're taking on too much because you're not used to taking on this much. It's not that you aren't able to take on the amount you are... it's just that you're not used to it. Hang in there. You have more capacity to take on a lot than you ever imagine.

If you give it time, it goes away.

patience

Thanks guys, it means a lot to me that you guys are here with me! :) And I know that with patience this, in addition to every other obstacle right now, is a beatable challenge!

Try AdBLOCK dude, this will help you avoid stupid ads with gaming.

Btw. remember to turn off AdBlock on GQ channel on YT :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

I have it already :D I think the problem is in my browsing history...YouTube seems to forage the search queries you enter and it creates suggestions for you to watch. I actually thought that I already did a reset to my browser, following Cam's earlier advice, but it seems it didn't work.

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Today I also went wall-climbing again so my hands are aching like hell; I actually can call writing this journal an accomplishment now. Well, I'd dare to say, that it's an accomplishment for me every time. It's the hard part here :D But I actually think that this has subconsciously helped me already so I think writing this journal is worth the effort. I've set a record now in writing an own journal. \o/

That's awesome Yani! I wanted to try rock-climbing too, seems like a really manly sport. 

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Day 17:

It was just a regular day at the university and after that 3 miles of running! Some observations though:

There has been a significant increase in my appetite now, which is good because earlier I had to force myself to eat. I think it's just the cause of increased activity during the day. I also feel more relaxed and focused during the day; it's significantly easier to focus on one thing at a time nowadays, but when trying to multitask..... well, that's not as good as before :D. It has been around 3 days without any cravings now so the situation is stabilizing again I guess.

Day 18:

Today I had a good day in the university; managed to solve some physics problems effectively for about 4 hours straight and after that I was basically just slacking there and chatting with my friend. Then I reached home and did something terrible - I. Ate. A bag. Of. Candy. It's not only the sugar rush; I feel bad because for me eating a bag of candy might be a sign of something bothering me subconsciously. Well of course quitting gaming is still there and it bothers me a little every day... I just don't want things to fall apart again. :S It's good that I can write here, so thoughts like this are processed and not left aside unprocessed instead. Now I gotta do some chemistry so I can reach bed early today! Maybe next time I will do some reflection on my goals.

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Hey in my opinion there is no multitasking jsut rapid task switching (which isn't very productive but sometimes can't be evaded). How did you feel before you started eating the back? OFten times the Feelings we have lead us to the reasons for our behaviour. .

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Day 19:

A regular day in the university again. The good thing here is that it seems I am still not getting bored of it, so my journey towards the medschool entrance exam shall continue! This day was also special because I managed to go jogging again and I am actually getting better at it: 5.6 km in 33mins! Considering the fact that I was running on an icy surface it was an achievement :).

Day 20:

After finishing my day in the university a bit earlier (midday) I went home and sent an application to a new band (I am already playing in one but we are having a break because of distance) and it felt really good; after all, this was again something caused by quitting gaming. So now just feeling super excited to get a response from that band :) Today I had to fight against some cravings again. I was just having a chat with my friend in a cafeteria and suddendly he began talking about new computers and how he is getting one etc. It felt literally really bad. That guy is like my only friend at the moment and now he is doing like that. Well, I have to forgive him for causing this thing to me because he can not know how hard it actually is to fight these feelings day after day. It's also good to notice that I can actually stand my ground here.

 

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Hey in my opinion there is no multitasking jsut rapid task switching (which isn't very productive but sometimes can't be evaded). How did you feel before you started eating the back? OFten times the Feelings we have lead us to the reasons for our behaviour. .

Well you are right :D I think it might be MORE multitasking THAN rapid task switching if you are, let's say, talking to a friend about something and at the same time programming some C-code on the computer and situations like that are what I am having problems with right now. For example today I was using a calculator to solve a physics problem and I was sitting in front of a computer (not using the computer). The girl had to ask me two times, if I am using the computer or not before she even got my attention. So it might be that my ability to focus on one thing at a time is nowadays better than before, when I felt like a kid with ADD (not willing to offend anyone suffering from ADD/ADHD).

Before I started eating the bag, my feelings were kind of neutral - even too neutral, if I may say. The thing was that, my life has become very, very flat in these last 20 days without my computer. So this "flatness" is something I believe is caused by the lack of certain signal compounds like dopamine or noradrenaline. Especially dopamine is a compound that gives us the rewarding feeling when being successful in a game or smoking cigarettes or doing ANYTHING which can hook you. Now the thing is that I am doing really few things to activate my brains' dopamine excretion and that is causing the need to eat candies or to drink alcohol (or even the cravings for gaming). Atleast this is what I believe. Well, this was good self-reflection (and some guessing) again :)

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Maybe if you actual join a new band the social interaction and the experience of making musik will give you the fix.

Another things you maybe need is a bigger reason for all of this. If we go fight for a goal/project we tend to get excited about it on a daily basis.  This helps a lot in overall happiness. What is your goal in life right now? What do you want to achieve in the next 6months?

I am aware that these aren't easy questions but it can be really beneficial to think about this from time to time.

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Days 21 and 22:

I just spent resting at home and watching TV. Also went out for jogging. Apart from going to the toilet and eating, that was really everything I did and everything I put my thoughts into :D

Day 23:

Today was a studying day again. In general I have a good feeling about this day and about my situation right now. It has been 23 days without gaming and I am just getting happier and more open to the world. I am actually getting comfortable with studying for example. I also got asked about my goal for, let's say, the next 6 months of my life. I have one single goal and that's getting a scholarship for medicine studies in my hometown.

Today I also started learning two songs with the guitar for the audition to a local band next week. It's going to be super exciting to start training with new friends and the goal is that I will be playing on their gig in mid January.

So it seems quitting games is still pushing me onwards in life :)

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Days 24, 25 and 26:

This week has been really busy, haven't really had any time at all to hang out on my computer. All in all, I had some very unstable feelings during these 3 days but I left them behind with a meditation routine that I started to practice.

One major thing was also that I went to a psychologist (in the aftermath of my depression) and I was now DIAGNOSED with gaming addiction. So now in addition to using this method to quit for good, I will actually be having therapy for that too :). The rest of the time I spent only doing my homework and watching NHL since I was given a four-day-long free watching period for viasat. Tomorrow (today) is a day off so I might actually be doing something else than just schoolwork :D

 

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