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sirjk
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Finally, woke up early. Nearly 4 days in without gaming, and somehow made my sleeping pattern worse. Woke up at 9am, thank god it was only Saturday. Six hours sleep is livable but it reminds me of all the days of school last year when teachers were kind enough to let me "rest my eyes" in what some call "free" period, even if it forces you to attend a random class. I don't know if they felt sorry for me, or they presumed I studied all night, which I think I never did. I would rather hit clips until 2am in the morning, than study for tests in the last year of school. They would snap at me if I had my phone out, but somehow blind eyed me sleeping in class. I mean resting my eyes of cause :D

Anyways, got to my brothers much earlier than usual, around 10am. I'm helping him rebuild the house. I'm an IT tech so I have no idea of simple things about building, I just help him around with small things. I've been doing this just below a year now. Hopefully, I can move out here and move in with my brother. Speaking anything negative in the household I'm living in currently with my father's "new" girlfriend causes a lot of drama, immaturity and uncalled name calling. My ultimate goal is to move away from this sh*t hole. Sorry for the language. 

I helped around with my brother until around 2.30pm. I got a lot of work done, even with a lack of sleep, I felt a little more motivated and seemed to do work much quicker. I haven't felt happy since I've quit gaming, actually, I feel a lot worse. Ever since I've stopped, my world is getting bigger. But I haven't felt excitement since I've stopped gaming, maybe glimpse but nothing noticeable. But, since my world is getting bigger, I'm learning a lot of new things. Reading more news than usual and watching IT and Science related videos on Youtube that I'm using to replace gaming. I usually do this anyways, but I've learnt more things in 4 days than I would in a whole week. Not much difference between 4 and 7 days, haha but you see the point ;p

I got home at 3pm, then finished off the first season of Mr Robot. Awesome show btw, especially if you enjoy the IT tech/hacking scene. I'm getting back to date with the Drunken Peasants podcast while writing here. I hope tomorrow will be better than today, but yesterday was worse so it seems like it's getting better

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Decided to sleep in, since it was Sunday and all. Only by half an hour, but whatever , its better than waking up at 2pm or even worse. 9am feels like a good time to be waking up, but my final goal will be 7am. Headed to help my brother at the house again, got there about 10.30am , luckily that I did a lot yesterday than usual, I didn't have much to do today which I'm proud of. I tend to sit down and dope off, think about new games and who to play Counter Strike with. But, the last 2 days, other than the cravings, I didn't stop working unless for a legitimate break. I don't know if I'm improving because of no gaming or I've been telling myself 'good job" every time I complete something. I suffer from Social Anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. One of the reasons why I'm opening a new chapter in my life. Cringey as it sounds, I call these sad feelings and thoughts metaphorically "Freddy Krueger" as he only gets you when you're at your lowest. The only reason he exists is because we allow him to exist in our memory. In a metaphor of cause. 

Ended up finishing around 2.30, did the final clean up before my brother travels West for a week holiday with his friend. He came over since he asked us to leave his tools here since it's safe here. We chilled out for a few hours until it got dark and left. It's good because I've been active for the last few days always had something to do. But since he's going away and everyone is back to work tomorrow, I am nervous. I've been so lucky with people having things for me to do. Now I've completed the plans I had, I'm not so sure what to do now. I could go find a job or a study, I really feel that I'm not well enough for it yet. I have shocking planning and I say a lot of things, doesn't mean I do them. 

The last few days have been hard, not a full week yet and all I can think about is Skyrim. It is my favourite game of all time but it's a game that if you play it too much, you get bored of it when you get into it again. All I want to do is taste it, but I'm doing well, my life is already improving. I'm going on a cruise with my family just below a month. Even though I'm going for 90 days detox, I'm going to be stoked when aboard the ship and have no care in the world for video games. But right now, I just need to deal with my snappy mood swings, and replace cravings with other things,

I'm going to post this, watch this podcast of the Drunken Peasants, watch a few episodes of Mr Robots new season, then go to bed. Another good day for me :)

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Hey good job on starting. I think you improving because of both reasons. Being proud of yourself if you did something what was hard for yourself, is important!

I think you need something to strife for. It is always easier to work for something you actually want. Is there something you want to achieve in your life right now? Do you want to be great with girls and get a nice girlfriend? Do you like to be awesome at an instrument and play songs you like? Do you want to be muscular and fit and be approached by girls because you are confident and good looking? Maybe you want to make money producing art or just find some people who like to watch watch what you produce, Maybe you want to be a super programmer and earn a lot of cash later on? Their are many desires you could have and it doesn't matter right now if the are to realistic or morally doubtful. Just find something you really WANT.

If you have this WANT you can create a project which will bring you closer to your long term goal and you will have something to do where you actually feel committed to do it. To say I study more but don't having a reason for studying isn't motiviting at all. Find a reason and start working towards it in really small steps. You will improve faster than you think if you keep consistent at anything.

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Hey good job on starting. I think you improving because of both reasons. Being proud of yourself if you did something what was hard for yourself, is important!

I think you need something to strife for. It is always easier to work for something you actually want. Is there something you want to achieve in your life right now? Do you want to be great with girls and get a nice girlfriend? Do you like to be awesome at an instrument and play songs you like? Do you want to be muscular and fit and be approached by girls because you are confident and good looking? Maybe you want to make money producing art or just find some people who like to watch watch what you produce, Maybe you want to be a super programmer and earn a lot of cash later on? Their are many desires you could have and it doesn't matter right now if the are to realistic or morally doubtful. Just find something you really WANT.

If you have this WANT you can create a project which will bring you closer to your long term goal and you will have something to do where you actually feel committed to do it. To say I study more but don't having a reason for studying isn't motiviting at all. Find a reason and start working towards it in really small steps. You will improve faster than you think if you keep consistent at anything.

I have no idea man, anything other than playing video games right now. I want to learn more CSS and web development but it's really draining. I want to go out more, find new places but I hate talking to people haha. The real reasoning is I just don't want to waste my life. I was meant to go to a good friends birthday party last night, I completely lied and said I couldn't come. And to be honest with you, I have no idea why. Now I feel like crap. Anyways, Ill post later tonight for my journal, thanks for the reply :)

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Terrible sleep last night. From dreaming about playing Counter Strike to waking up around 3 times because of my sore throat and earaches. Went to bed around 11pm, and woke up at 8.30am. Tried to sleep in for another hour but my head killed too much so I just got up haha. I didn't really do much in the morning, I finalised some CSS work in some web development project I set myself , after that, I watched 2 episodes of Mr Robot before heading to the post office. I bought myself a gaming mouse pad a few weeks back before I even considered quitting. But it was a good excuse to leave the house so I'm fine with that. I had to park around 250 metres away on a Monday midday. Not that mad but so many people live in the City now. I've never really noticed it before until now. An hour later, I got back for home. I replaced the gaming mouse pad since the old one looked out of place with all the green and had bubbles in it. Reflecting now, I should've visited something, do something different, Because, the last 3 hours were incredibly boring. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I watched some gaming things on Youtube. It made me feel, angry, or something. I don't know, I clicked off it after 20 minutes after I realise what I was doing. The next 2 hours I tried to fix my VPN and Firewall conflict, which I think is impossible to fix. Did some house work then finally watched some Quran videos. I'm agnostic but I've been meaning to gain knowledge for ages. For now on, I'm going to make a checklist of plans. Tomorrow, I need to see a doctor and then have a haircut, later that night, I'm going to play Trivia with my group. I sense improvement already, I am very happy with myself

Short Term Goal(s)  -- Haircut -- Doctors -- Trivia --

Long Term Goal(s)  -- Gain more knowledge on the Quran --

Edited by sirjk
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Guess as soon as you feel better physically your mental state will improve too. Good that you go to the doctor soon and gj on catching yourself and doing smth. else then these videos. Trust me all These Little improvements and changes add up quickly if you stay consistent.

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You will improve! Obviously it needs some time to recover, especially when you're dreaming about gaming, but you can do this!

Just follow your daily goals each day for now. If you'll do, then after a short period of time the bigger opportunities will appear to help you with your life.

It's just getting easier to survive without any gaming, that one day you'll start not only to survive, but also thrive.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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This was a big day, this is more of a vent, I don't mind if people don't reply on this one xD

Today I woke up at bloody 8.30am. Okay, I'm going crazy, I haven't woken up that early without care since primary school. 30 minutes later, my alarm went off for 9am, You might say, 8.30 isn't good. I like to say, waking up between the earliest 11am to 2pm every day, you whole DAY is gone. 8.30 is great! Really don't believe I had another dream about video games last night. It has been 7 days and I'm still dreaming about Counter Strike customization. But, that didn't make my day bad so it's okay. Later that morning, I got into a call with a friend on Skype, and of course, he was playing Call of Duty. He showed me a few CoD videos I half watched. He already knows I'm on a detox, he did the same thing until recently. He started to play games again after a 3-week break. After I reminded him not to link me videos, he finally stopped haha. Of cause, he still persisted and linked me for my reaction. After a good chat, I went out to get my haircut at 12pm. It has been nearly 2 and a half months since my last haircut, maybe even longer. I went to the old dude I went to last time, but his store was closed for today. I was so close to "F*ck this" , which most likely I would've done, but gladly decided to go look for another barber I could go to. I remembered there was one down the road, but I was too scared to go since there's a lot of people around. But, I went to its barber and met the guy there. He was a big dude with tatts all over him. I didn't mind since I have family friends who are into that culture. I tried to keep a conversation going. Even though I suck at it, I wanted to try. We spoke about 70% of the time, he was a chill guy but quite. To be honest, I think I'll go there next time even though I hate crowded places. After that, I went next door to buy my dad a card for fathers day. I'm going insane, I would always do it the day before or not do it at all. I know I'm an asshole for this, I'm not even going to make an excuse this time. I'm glad I did it really early, that was a prime proud moment for today. in the store, no word of a lie, this guy was rambling on about how he thinks UFOs were chasing him. At first, I thought he was buddies with the clerk and they were just shit talking, I didn't take much notice, I was too busy looking for a card. After about 5 minutes, he was still talking about how things were moving around his house and believed people in "black" were following him since he was seeing UFOs. In his words, "I'm off my pills for 5 days, I swear it isn't the drugs since I'm off them, I think they're going to kill me" I looked at the clerk, staring right back at me, with the biggest poker face. This customer was being serious. I've never saw this before, this is crazy. I've met people online that were crazy, but this tops the cake. I got out of there pretty quickly, no offence if he ever sees this xD. I went home, did some regular house work until 3pm. It was my dads GFs birthday today, didn't even buy her anything, dad bought her a card for me. I know I know, but I seriously hate her and I wouldn't have done it if my dad hadn't. I was going to slip away into my room to watch Youtube until an unexpected visit from my step-grandfather. I am very happy that I'm seeing him again recently, I go to Trivia every Tuesday with him and his group. He helped me a lot when I was a child. He was like a third parent. Since 2011, I haven't really seen him. 2 months back, it was the first social thing I did since, ever. It was the first time ever for me to go outside regularly for fun. I'll get back to Trivia later. What I'm trying to say is, I would rather play video games than to go see my grandfather who could die at any moment. Like I said, surprised you even made it this far, but this is a vent and this is how I feel. I love him to pieces and without his guidance and knowledge, I would be lost. Anyways, he turned up and had a chat about American states, of course, xD and then told him about the experience with the UFO guy. For once, I finally had a chance to share an experience I had. That actually felt good. I don't really have stories worth noting to IRLs. I'm always so used to hearing his and other stories, I can never bring up my own and it feels like I've got some social-bond deficiency. After they left, I went and got ready for trivia, I arrived at Trivia on time finally. Being serious and competitive in Trivia is the closest thing to video games I have ever experienced. And I love it. I am the youngest there, at 19. Whilst, the second youngest is over 50 years old. Oldest is 75 I believe. There are 6 of us. One was a chess champion in our state 25 years back, he is very good with history, human anatomy, also science and art questions. His wife, she is very good with movies, cooking and pop-culture. The other guy is very good with sports, general and history. The second female is very good with general. My grandfather is very good at history and geography, and I'm good at some general and recent news questions. Not many teams showed today, only the 3 main teams rocked up. After a few hours, we came in as the 2nd place by two questions. We won twice in a row and came first for the month, next week we have a target to put down ;pp I'm excited for next week. We don't like to lose xD Anyways, with the money we won from the month, 45 dollars each, I decided to buy some alcohol for myself. When I was browsing, I had a thought that this would be a perfect time to get something for fathers day. With the money, I decided to get a bottle of Jack Daniels for my father. 

My rant about the doctors: I actually feel like shit. The whole day was great until just now.  I made an appointment to see a doctor yesterday for today, but when I arrived the lady at the counter said I made it for the 7th. Apparently, the doctor has gone away for a week. Never make appointments on an app. I wanted to explain to my doctor I've gone on a gaming detox, but won't be able to. Ehh that's fine I guess, but I have a raging earache and a sore throat until tomorrow. In Australia, you can't just buy pain killers or drugs similar; you need a doctors script. So I have to await for tomorrow. As the anti-social person I am, I made an appointment at 10pm at night. Meaning I couldn't go see another doctor tonight since they close at 11pm. I'm stuck on, smoking weed to help with an earache, but will hurt my throat even more. Or take weak Ibuprofen to ease the pain, but the problem lies I had a coffee for trivia at 6.30pm so I probably won't be able to sleep. Sleep in pain, or not sleep without pain. 

Todays Short Term Goal(s)  -- Haircut B| hellyeah-- Doctors o.O yes and no -- Trivia -- B| hellyeah

Tomorrows Short Term Goal(s) -- Go to ATM , maybe eat lunch at Subway -- Maybe go to movies --

Long Term Goal(s)  -- Gain more knowledge on the Quran -- Enjoy life --

If you got through 1400 words, I like to say thank you, you god damn maniac xD 

have a super great day!!!

Edited by sirjk
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You will improve! Obviously it needs some time to recover, especially when you're dreaming about gaming, but you can do this!

Just follow your daily goals each day for now. If you'll do, then after a short period of time the bigger opportunities will appear to help you with your life.

It's just getting easier to survive without any gaming, that one day you'll start not only to survive, but also thrive.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

Thank you man!

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Gaming dreams are weird, albeit normal. They will pass over time. Hang in there!

I wonder if people taking drugs dream about taking drugs. Our brain and minds are crazy O.o

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Guess as soon as you feel better physically your mental state will improve too. Good that you go to the doctor soon and gj on catching yourself and doing smth. else then these videos. Trust me all These Little improvements and changes add up quickly if you stay consistent.

thanks man, didn't go as plan at the doctors. Cams videos helps a lot, its hard to find support on something that people dont understand or knows exist

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Day 8, oh man! I am proud of myself, a full week without a snip of gaming. Every small thing has improved, I really can't believe it. I'm connecting with people in real life, I can keep a standard conversation and my anxiety has calmed down. It also feels I am more clear headed now, most of my thoughts use to be clouded, it was sometimes hard to make quick decisions or come up with solutions. And rings around my eyes are slowly fading away. But, I do feel more angry and down. I rather feel depressed than have panic attacks, but I will be trying to find a solution to fulfil and reverse my depression. 

Today, I woke up with a banging on my front door. Half asleep, I quickly got up and answered the door. It was a courier. I asked him, what time it was, he said, 11am. I knew this would happen, last night I didn't sleep until late because of my earache. 3am wasn't a good time to sleep. I received the package and he left. My whole day was gone, me going to Subway for lunch and me considering to go to the movies, I couldn't do that today, and even until now, I feel like shit. I feel like a crab hiding in its shell. Hide and do nothing. I will always flight, even for stupid things like this. I stayed home all day, I quickly went for a 10-minute drive to an ATM to get money for rent, then came back home to watch John Oliver on Youtube. I have been having cravings all day, I went and watch a few Mw2 Montages I enjoyed back in the day, that was a bad idea. I will have plans for tomorrow and I want to see myself do it. 

Todays Short Term Goal(s) -- Go to ATM B| hellyeah , maybe eat lunch at Subway :/ nope -- Maybe go to movies :/ nope --

Tomorrows Short Term Goal(s) -- WILL eat lunch at Subway -- Movies -- Clean my room --

Long Term Goal(s)  -- Gain more knowledge on the Quran -- Enjoy life --

Edited by sirjk
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I 'm getting back into the groove. Even a small thing like this, giving comebacks to my irl friends, it feels good to be me again. We use to enjoy talking shit to each other, but the last 2 years I couldn't be fazed.  I was actually happy today, for one of the first times in a while, I actually cared about being in the moment, not how many games I will play when I get home. I had legitment laughs, not masked ones. It really feels good, I have achieved something and I have no regrets. 

I woke up at 10am. Better than yesterday but not good enough. I still could do things but I wouldn't be able to get lunch at Subway. I went and watched some Youtube videos and waited until the new episode of Mr Robot was downloadable. In the time period, I noticed Cam was about to Live Stream. I went and watched the stream, asked a few questions and Cam was kind enough to answer. Australia represent btw ;)  . It fe lt like a perfect time to do house work, so I streamed the video on my phone and did 2 hours of cleaning in my bedroom and study. I learned a lot from the stream. After the stream, I went and watch Mr Robot. After that, my friend and I decided to take Jacob and us to watch a movie at the cinemas. Jacob hates horrors so we lied and told him we would decide what movie we were watching when we got there. Max and I already decided on Don't Breath lmfao. He was quite salty xD. Before that happened, we went to McDonalds for dinner. Not Subway but clo se enough. The movie was pretty shit imo haha, we had a conversation about it. I take movies way too seriously, but the movie was that bad. Before the movies while sitting in the cinema, I did play an offline Trivia game for around 5 minutes because I had no internet. I need to uninstall all games on my phone before I do a major slip. 

I'm regretting I've had 3 coffees today. I have some weed but I don't think it's going to work,I have a feeling I'm going to wake up late again. Just great. 

Tomorrows Short Term Goal(s) -- Wake up at least by 10am -- This time I will eat subway -- Buy food for fathers day -- Uninstall game apps

Todays Short Term Goal(s) -- WILL eat lunch at Subway Yes and no o.O-- Movies hellyeah B| -- Clean my room -- hellyeah B|

Long Term Goal(s)  -- Gain more knowledge on the Quran -- Enjoy life --

Edited by sirjk
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10 days! So close to two weeks. I'm slowly adjusting but now, it feels like I'm doing the right thing. Not the, "Just play 1 game, it wont hurt." "You spent all that time trying to rank up on CSGO, and now you did it all for nothing." My brain isn't liking me right now haha but hopefully these thoughts will go away soon. 

Woke up around 9.40am, Coffee wasn't that great on me last night, couldn't get to sleep until 1am. In the morning, I sat around really not doing anything, watched a few videos and that's about it. At midday, at the last moment, I decided to ring up my friend and grab some lunch. Not Subway xD Ive been hanging for Subway at least 3 days now, I need to go :'). I didn't feel like doing anything today, just one of those days, but I had nothing else to do. After lunch, we chilled for around an hour. We went to the shops, and I bought meat for fathers day. I went and dropped him off at home. Came home and had a chat for a few hours with dad. Chilled in the garage with dads friends the went and got Pizza for dinner. Now I am just chillinng and watching Drunken Peasants podcast then probably going to bed, Another successful day for me!

Todays Short Term Goal(s) -- Wake up at least by 10am hellyeah B| -- This time I will eat subway kindahellyeah :ph34r:-- Buy food for fathers day hellyeah B|-- Uninstall game apps -- forgot about this :P

Tomorrows Short Term Goal(s) - Wake up at 8am -- go with dad shoppi ng -- Subway? xD

Edited by sirjk
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Really tired, not going to write much. I don't believe I want to go to bed at 9pm on a Saturday. 

Woke up at 8.30am, Yeah I slept in :ph34r: went shopping with dad at 10am, got myself a new watch and loads of new clothes. Been meaning to go out and get some for about a year now. We got subway for lunch and came home. Watched The Fifth Estate, then some Youtube. Im 200 pages away from finishing the first book of a Game of Thrones, so I'm going to read it before I sleep tonight so I can start on Clash of the Kings. A good and productive day!

Todays goal(s) Wake up at 8am nope but hellyeah B|-- go with dad shoppng hellyeah B| -- Subway hellyeah B|

Tomorow goal(s) -- Fathers day -- Spend time with dad

Edited by sirjk
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Sorry for not posting yesterday, that night I only got 4 hours sleep, coughed my guts out and couldn't sleep. I passed out before I could write in my journal xD

Yesterday

Anyways, I spent some time with dad, he was very happy with the gifts I gave him for Fathers Day, but I think he was happier that I spent time with him. The last few times I would only go see him for an hour or two. Had a really nice breakfast meal and later that night, we had a few members over for a family dinner. It was super nice and I think my dad enjoyed it. Later, I finally deleted all my gaming apps on my phone, good thing because I'm 4 nights of sleep away until I go on a boat cruise for my dad's birthday. I don't want games to play, while I can go have fun in real life. Had a fear of playing games on Steam since I was bored as hell last night. Messaged my friends then we went and watched The Free State of Jones at the movies. It is really good that my friend is being supportive. We use to play Arma together a few years back but he got his life sorted out way before me, he's been trying to get me out of the house for a long time, but my excuses turned into lies, then lies turned into eluding. I'm surprised he has put up with me for this long. 

Today

12 hours sleep. Whelp. Woke up at 12.30pm, and man I was pissed off. Felt like crap, I don't believe I slept for this long. I knew I would make up for the sleep I didn't get from the night before, I need to set an alarm! My friend messaged me if I wanted to go out. Of course, I ignored it. 20 minutes went by, but I went "fuck it" and went out to get some lunch. I'm glad I did, got me out of the house and I enjoyed the KFC. Came back home two hours later, then read a few chapters of a Game of Thrones. 30 minutes in and fell asleep. I think I slept for an hour. Ever since the nap, I feel much fresher and awake. Which was a bonus. Came on discord and talked to my gaming buddy. Finally told him what I was doing and surprisingly understood me and agreed. I'm happy about that. 

Tomorrow Goals: Buy new shoes for trip --- go with friend and chill

Edited by sirjk
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I realise how selfish I truly am. All I care about is me, someone needs help, sorry I come first. I'm trying to convince myself don't live in the past, fix my mistakes and live for the future. I truly understand now, why people stop talking to me or give me looks after my stupid actions. I somehow help others for my own gain, and the truth is really hurting me. I need to let this sink in, I know I can change, I already am at this very moment. 14 days without my favourite thing in the world. I need to do a lot of reflection. I've been selfish for years, and gaming was a big part of it. Maybe I'm over reacting over something so small, maybe I haven't just matured it and realised reality. Sorry, I'm just losing my mind right now

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