Sol451's Journal

[Sol451]

Hello,

          I'm a 23 year old male from Europe. I've been playing games for many years now. 4 months ago I quit gaming. Not because I knew that I was addicted, but because I was depressed to a point where I had suicidal thoughts. I felt completely trapped, like I was slowly sinking into quicksand, just waiting to die. I saw no future, had no goals and aspirations, didn't want anything from life. I started drinking again while playing, waking up hungover, feeling even shittier. Going to see a therapist didn't really help, I wasn't told anything that I didn't already know. Nevertheless, I knew I had to do something to change my circumstances. I started working out, eating healthy, meditating, fixing my sleep schedule, riding my bike a lot and going for runs. I lost 33 pounds, had around 11 more to go.

          My mental health got a little better but I was still really depressed. I work from home, so I have a lot of free time. At one point I got so bored that I started playing league of legends again. I thought I could do it casually, 1-2 games a day. Well that wasn't the case. I spent 3 weeks out of the past month playing it for around 14 hours everyday.  I knew I had to quit. I uninstalled it, but the next game I downloaded was hearthstone. The last time I played it I was getting bored of it really quickly, so I thought I could go back to my schedule while playing it in moderation for some entertainment. I've been playing it for 14 hours a day for the past 6 days. Ever since I got back into league I stopped doing everything that was good for me, I started sinking deep into depression once again.  Last month I visited the gym twice. Once I left prematurely because I saw no fucking point in exercising. 

          Alright, my problem seems obvious. I can't moderate my gaming. What I need to do is to get back on the path of improving my mental health. So I need to quit it altogether.

          For the first week, I mostly want to go back to building the habits that I was before I came back to gaming.

Goals:

Wake up at 7:00 am
Go to the gym 4 days a week
Run outside for ~30 minutes
Eat healthy
Meditate for 10 minutes

New Goals:

Not playing any games
Not watching any streams
Not watching montages and gameplay/analysis videos
Not going to league/hearthstone subreddits
Start reading books again, mostly fiction

          Tomorrow is day 1.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Sol451

[Cam Adair]

Welcome! Awesome to have you join us here. 

[DaBest]

Hey Sol451. 

First, welcome to the community! We're glad to have you!

Second, I wanted to say I empathize with a lot of what you were talking about, especially about feeling trapped, the depression, and the spiraling video game usage (for me, my vice now is the Internet, but growing up it used to be gaming). I'm no paragon of success, but the path you're setting out on is so worth it, even though it will be difficult at times. 

Anyway, you seem like you have some great goals set up. Keep it up!

[Sol451]

Day 1   

      Getting back into my schedule was easier than I expected. Did everything on my list and more, like stuff around the house that I needed to do for weeks. Although I did watch some gameplay videos cause I simply got too bored. Didn't feel like I wanted to play though, but rather think about the game itself, analyze what could have been done better, etc. Seems like I really need to find a mentally-engaging activity, cause I love thinking about stuff. That's probably the reason why I don't look forward to meditating at all and it just feels so hard.

          Having a productive day right from the morning definitely made me feel better mentally. I used to enjoy reading, so today I started reading Spin. That was tough to do cause I only got 5 hours of sleep and as a result I was constantly drifting off. Tomorrow I'll read more.

[tirEdOrange]

Hey Sol,

also welcome here from me !

Have you ever thought about learning to code? It is really mentally-engaging and once you get through the first basic steps the amount of possibilities are sheer endless (programming simple games like good-old "snake" for example or this clap-sensor-thingy where you have to clap to turn off/on lights) There are so many cool projects. Also there are a lot of sites in the internet that teach it, maybe you want to give it a look.

I like that you wanna trade your gaming for a healthy and sporty lifestyle, I'm doing the same at the moment and it feels really satisfying. Let's do this!!

[Cam Adair]

Although I did watch some gameplay videos cause I simply got too bored.

Any idea what else you could do when you feel bored instead of watching gameplay videos? Let's brainstorm!

[Piotr]

For sure, programming is good if you like mentally engaging activity, also some logic puzzles maybe?

 

[Sol451]

          I have tried programming in the past, it was kind of interesting, maybe I'll give it a shot sometime. I just feel like right now I have to force myself to do a lot of stuff already, and that's just another one I wouldn't enjoy at first.

          I like puzzle/logic games, but how exactly are they different from regular video games? They are mentally engaging, and you do feel rewarded when you solve that complicated level.
 

          During that 3 month period I wanted to start a martial art, particularly boxing. I just felt like I could use even more exercise. Something about physical exhaustion feels really good. I don't know now though. I just think that there's so much wrong with me and I just don't feel ready at all. Other activities would be writing, building something, fixing stuff, learning to cook, graphic design.  I'm not interested in them now. Just listing things off the top of my head that I'd like to be able to do.

Day 2

          Weather today was pretty terrible when I woke up. Cold and pouring outside. The thought of sitting down with a cup of coffee and playing was really inviting since I didn't want to ride my bike to the gym or go for a run. Discipline got me through the day though, did all the tasks apart from the videos.

          I read 70 pages of the novel Spin today, it was quite enjoyable but I have trouble focusing for long. My mind was a bit clearer than yesterday though. It sucks when your thoughts are running on full throttle about things you don't want to think about, and it always inevitably goes to dark places.

          I'd like to start working again soon. I pick my own schedule but I was just unable to force myself.

Edited August 11, 2016 by Sol451

[Sol451]

Day 3

Not a great day. Had no energy, didn't go to the gym. Boredom was killing me.

Reading was easier today, could focus a little better.  Read like 60 pages. All I could think about through the first part of the day was why am I doing this to myself, why don't I just do what I like doing.

I really need to put more attention to learning how to clear my thoughts, cause they're so negative.

[Cam Adair]

Boredom is normal at this time so try not to worry about it too much and instead just do things anyways. Action leads to motivation, not the other way around. Going to the gym will improve your energy, etc.

[Sol451]

Day 4

Decent day, felt much better. Watching videos is becoming boring and seems pointless. Although I just swapped it with watching Netflix.

I'm thinking about getting a pet. Went to a shelter today to look around. Not sure yet.

One of my favorite activities used to be looking for new music. I'm starting to really enjoy it once again.

[tirEdOrange]

Music also keeps me really focused during doing some things at the moment or just boosts my energy and motivation, I appreciate it at the moment more than usual. So I totally feel you there!

[Cam Adair]

Streams/videos/YouTube/Netflix all fall into the same category - consuming not creating.

[Sol451]

Day 5

 

Feeling really groggy in the first part of the day. Not sure what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I should start running in the mornings, not the evenings.

Action leads to motivation, not the other way around. Going to the gym will improve your energy, etc.

I know this, and that's mostly discipline. When I have no energy though it's terrible, it's hard to even move.

[Cam Adair]

Running in the mornings can help. Cold showers help me too. Also, drinking a good amount of water (2-3 glasses) in the AM can help as well.

[Sol451]

Day 6

I think I just needed to recharge. I really don't think I want to stop playing. I only have a couple of goals - feel better and work more. I don't really want to go out more/get more friends or whatever. I think if I'm disciplined enough and don't let myself go I can moderate my gaming.

[Cam Adair]

Worry about that after 90 days. If you can moderate than you should have no problem getting to 90 first. If you can't get to 90 days without gaming, then you probably shouldn't be gaming.

You're at day 6 and you're doing great, keep going, it will get easier.

[Sol451]

Worry about that after 90 days. If you can moderate than you should have no problem getting to 90 first. If you can't get to 90 days without gaming, then you probably shouldn't be gaming.

You're at day 6 and you're doing great, keep going, it will get easier.

I have no idea what to do during that time.  I've seen the hobbies/activities lists and I don't want to do anything really. I stay at home all day and there's just so much time. Games are so tempting.

 

Day 7

Felt fine in the morning, went to the gym, worked a bit. Then started feeling like shit and didn't do anything for the rest of the day.

[Cam Adair]

I have no idea what to do during that time.  I've seen the hobbies/activities lists and I don't want to do anything really. I stay at home all day and there's just so much time. Games are so tempting.

That's because games are familiar. Just start experimenting with the new hobbies. Be patient with yourself. It takes some time to find the ones you really like but you will over time, trust me.