KrazyFace's Journal

[KrazyFace]

Today is my third day without gaming and my first full day off work since. I had a very rough start, but today is the first day I have felt truly alive in months! I had plans to get up early and work out, followed by going over to my in-laws to help them paint their house. Well that didn't happen... Ended up sleeping a full 3 hours more than I was supposed to. I hated myself when I looked at the clock. I just wanted to roll back over and tell the world to cancel the day because I might as well just give up now. Sleeping has always been a problem for me since I was 16 (I'm 26 now). It's upsetting to realize I haven't had a real sleep schedule for 10 years. On days of work or school I would go to bed early and on Friday and Saturday nights I would stay up until 3 or 4 or... sometimes 7am! 

I stared at the wall for a good 10 minutes, feeling paralyzed, not wanting to get out of bed. After a few mental debates with myself I got up and realized I don't have time to work out and need to go straight to my in-laws (something I was not looking forward to). My wife's family all have a lot of problems... One's an alcoholic, another is always depressed, another has a lot of anger and control issues, you get the point. Not very good people to be around when you're trying keep stress levels down. So I call them and tell them I'm about to head over and best news ever... They tell me they aren't going to paint today and it will have to wait for another time! The reason this is such good news is I have been dying to get outside and go hiking (something I used to enjoy a lot). I was given a second chance, I was given back the day and I knew exactly what to do. I threw on some old (and very unused) running shoes, grabbed my dog and started driving to a hiking trail I had never been on. 

This is getting long so I'll try and wrap this up with the main points. It was an hour long drive on country roads and it was somewhat depressing. It was depressing because there were trees all around me and scenery I recognized and knew to be beautiful, but I felt nothing. I'm hoping this is all because of how out of whack my dopamine levels are and soon I'll see beauty in things again. The upside to this whole story is once I got on the trails and into the woods I started to feel. I could see the beauty in the wilderness, I could feel my heart beat in my chest, I loved seeing how happy my dog was with all the new smells and other people on the trail. Today gave me hope. Hope that I would be able to get a lot of excitement out of real life again. Hope that I can get in shape, and get out of the house more. I'm reading back on this post and realize it all has a kind of somber tone to it and I'm sorry about that, but I feel happy, I really do. I'm already looking forward to the next time I can get out there again. It's nice to have a win  

[Kad]

Thanks for sharing your win!  I like that in spite of your rough start of the day you were going to keep your word and help others too.

[Cam Adair]

Awesome job getting your journal started. I'll be following it! 

[Mad Pharmacist]

Hey, I can absolutely agree with you, that hiking is seriously great activity!

I've even heard that it's great idea to spend one whole day a week with nature/forest!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h11u3vtcpaY - Check out when I've found it out!

Ah, and that's a great step to start writing your own journal.

Can't wait to see next entries!

Greetings, The Pharmacist.

[KrazyFace]

Hey, I can absolutely agree with you, that hiking is seriously great activity!

I've even heard that it's great idea to spend one whole day a week with nature/forest!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h11u3vtcpaY - Check out when I've found it out!

Ah, and that's a great step to start writing your own journal.

Can't wait to see next entries!

Greetings, The Pharmacist.

Yeah I think so too! I actually told myself I'd try to make it out to that trail once a month, and do some cardio training in between. My goal is to hike all 5 miles of it in one day before the end of my detox. 

[KrazyFace]

Day 4 of my detox.

Sooo glad I am finally home! Had a very busy day at work today and got off and hour and a half late but I'm excited to journal and I'm excited to eat this Burger King!

So I realized today that without video games I have no outlet at work. I'm a paramedic and that used to smoke but I quit 30 days ago (yay) and I played a ton of video games on my tablet in between emergencies. But now I don't have either and like I said today was very busy and the stress piled up quick. I got very grumpy (nice word for fucking pissed) at the smallest things that are normally just annoyances. My partner (who is an awesome coworker) has a lot of quirks that have always kind of bothered me but today I really had to fight the urge to bite her head off. I managed to get thru it by saying some prayers and thinking of other journals where people struggled in the beginning but near the end of their detox were quite happy.

BTW I'm having very little issues with urges. I'm using a nicotine patch and for whatever lucky reason I don't miss playing that much. My issues are handling stress, mood swings, and combating feelings similar to depression.

So quick question...
Any suggestions for on-the-go stress outlets? (Most of my work day is spent in an ambulance)

Well, thanks for letting me vent (ah, much better) I'm gonna chow down on this BK, watch an episode or two of Trigun and hit the sack.

PS: I installed some habit tracking apps and set some goals today. Maybe more on that tomorrow. Good night!

[Cam Adair]

What about reading or listening to podcasts between emergencies? That could be a great start! This video can help for dealing with stress without gaming.

[WorkInProgress]

Reading fiction/nonfiction could be an alternative too.

[KrazyFace]

Day one... Again

Yesterday was day 6 and I didn't quite make it. I feel so guilty and ashamed that i relapsed, especially because I was so confident this time. Had a really stressful day yesterday at my in laws and my wife and I ended up getting into a heated argument. All that stress combined with a weakened willpower from drinking too much really made me want that escape. I reinstalled some games I used to play a lot on android (vainglory mainly) and indulged for a few hours. Upon waking up I immediately felt guilt and shame and uninstalled everything. This is hard for me to admit here because i feel like Im dissapointing you guys.

Im not gonna give up tho. I was really inspired by another journal entry here where someone relapsed and immediately got back on the horse so Im going to follow suit. Since we all know alcohol inhibits our judgement I've decided to give up drinking during my 90 day detox and I would recommend this to others as well. This won't be too difficult because I only drink 2 or 3 times a month anyways but commiting to not drinking will solidify my decision. 

-Alex

[Kad]

Recovery from a misstep is a key.  Don't beat yourself up with shame as that is not helping.  It is only failure when you give up.  This is a process and sometimes falls happen.  It is great you looked at the scenario about alcohol.  Sounds like some pretty stressful events going on.  Maybe you need some better stress reduction strategies.  Watching Cam videos, walk, book, punching bag.  Something to get your centering back.  I tell myself in these type of situations - Gaming or whatever bad habit we have for stress does not fix the stresses and I don't deserve to punish myself for it.  Feel good you got back on track and count this first as a practice session and "learning opportunity"!

[Cam Adair]

Hang in there. Relapse happens sometimes but the more we can learn from it the better.

So let's brainstorm. The next time you get stressed out and need a break, what can you do instead?

[KrazyFace]

Recovery from a misstep is a key.  Don't beat yourself up with shame as that is not helping.  It is only failure when you give up.  This is a process and sometimes falls happen.  It is great you looked at the scenario about alcohol.  Sounds like some pretty stressful events going on.  Maybe you need some better stress reduction strategies.  Watching Cam videos, walk, book, punching bag.  Something to get your centering back.  I tell myself in these type of situations - Gaming or whatever bad habit we have for stress does not fix the stresses and I don't deserve to punish myself for it.  Feel good you got back on track and count this first as a practice session and "learning opportunity"!

I like what you said about punishing myself with bad habits. Helps to think of it that way. Im starting to be more open about all this with those around me so they can try to be more understanding. Ive never been interested with breathing exercises and always thought they sounded kinda lame but that seems to be a recurring suggestion on the internet with in-the-moment stress. Hey, this is a time to try new things right?  Also, I used to read the wheel of time (fantasy series) and am gonna pick that back up for my down time.