Bagradain's Journal

[Bagradain]

Saturday, November 18.

During Friday I had so much things in my to-do list, so I was stressed out completely and couldn't resist to craving.

I had a few relapses, but still slept well during the night. 

Today I was thinking about a lot of things.

For what I'm living?

What I want to do in the future?

What dreams I have now, but forgot because of daily stress?

You know, I'm thinking about it even now.

WHY do I like gamification and games even after my wrong choice to prioritise games over studying ruined my childhood?

I don't know.

For now I just thinking to find a job as a software tester (I'm saving money for the courses and spending 1,5 hour on self-studying).

Next, I'll plan to use my money to invest in self-education and study programming on a professional level.

For my own future projects, or for better job maybe.

I haven't decided on that yet.

Well, now I at least have some goals.

For some reason I became interested in VR. 

I decided to do a break for gaming and return to it (maybe) when I'll buy myself a VR equipment.

Maybe I'll make my own VR game once.

At this rate I'll never get rid of gaming, ha ha😅

Seriously, I don't know what to do.

Few days ago I decided to continue trying to erase gaming from my life, at least from player perspective, but surprisingly developed a passion and a dream to become a VR game developer someday.

I have no idea what to do with that.

Maybe some of you know what's the difference between addiction and passion?

Anyway, I wish you a good day and stay on the road.

Deep down I know it's worth it.

 

Edited November 18, 2023 by Bagradain

[Captain_Pilz]

Good work! You got back on track, even after a few small relapses. Staying at it is what matters.

It's also nice to see that you are asking the big questions. Right now, it might feel discouraging to stare into the void that video games allowed you to ignore for so long. But eventually, finding a sense of purpose out there is going to get the momentum on your side. It can pull you away from your addiction. 

Considering the VR thing, I generally consider dipping your toes into video games a risky move. That being said, for some people here it has worked out and it is ultimately your decision. I will just cautiously interject: Interest doesn't equal passion. A passion is something that you invest a lot of time in because it gives you a sense of purpose. It adds to your quality of life, in contrast to addiction which takes away from it. Importantly, I think you only discover that you are passionate about something once you've already spent a significant amount of time on it (usually years). Interest can motivate you to spend this time but you won't become passionate about the majority of things you are interested in. Your interest in VR might be driven by the fact that you haven't discovered what else is out there, yet. It might just be your brain defaulting back to video games out of habit. Now, it's your decision whether you want to pursue that interest.

I am looking forward to reading more of your posts.

Edited November 18, 2023 by Captain_Pilz

[Bagradain]

@Captain_PilzThanks.

I'll think about it.

Have a nice day.

[BooksandTrees]

I see on the website you have multiple journals. Why not keep them in one thread so you can see your time-line?

[Bagradain]

@BooksandTreesGood evening. 

Maybe I did some kind of mistake.

I thought you need to make a new topic each day to write a diary.

Where I can see a manual for this site?

Thank you.

[Bagradain]

Ok, I guess I'll just continue my diary here.

[BooksandTrees]

Yeah just keep posting in this thread and every post can be your entry. Look at some of the others but make it work for you but don't feel like you need to have a specific type. It's good so  you and others can see your progress and learn about you. 

[Bagradain]

Monday, November 20.

Today I was quite productive.

I did a few optional tasks that needed to find a job.

Also, a day ago I found a free time-limited Testing course, so now I'm learning at night and have no time to play games.

(Despite the fact I still had a few relapses on Sunday).

And, I changed my phone wallpaper on a building related to my favourite game.

Maybe that wasn't so good idea, but every time I see it, I'm satisfied and craving to play games don't appear.

I know that I need to find some activities and hobbies to replace gaming and form a new self, but now when I have no job and no my own money, I'm too nervous about what awaits us tomorrow, so all I can think about is active learning and finding a job.

Maybe when I'll finally finish learning and get a job, I'll release myself and start seeking for things I like to do.

Maybe I should return to meditation to hold my stress level under control.

Peace.

Have a good night everyone.

Edited November 20, 2023 by Bagradain

[Bagradain]

Tuesday, November 21.

Today I had a few relapses.

Deleted every single game and accounts in which I could return to play.

Changed my phone wallpaper to "Game Over".

Everything seems to be fine, but I'm feeling lots of anger and frustration inside.

For some reason I reject all.

Real life, my family, my girlfriend, my friends, hobbies, and even studying.

I don't want all of this.

Don't need this.

I'm still can't understand why people are value life so much.

I have nothing I like in my life.

I was so aggressive yesterday, like my entire body was about to burst, and I was going to scream.

Luckily, I'll helded it back.

Maybe, I have more serious problems than I thought.

Anyway, I'm going to continue dealing with all of my addictions, no matter what happens.

I wish you a good night.

Peace.

 

 

Edited November 21, 2023 by Bagradain

[Bagradain]

Thursday, November 23.

Day without gaming streak: 1.

[Bagradain]

Friday, November 24.

Day without gaming streak: 2.

[Bagradain]

Saturday, November 25.

Day without gaming streak: 3.

1 relapse (RPG).

Wanted to see armor and weapons design.

Seeking solutions.

Edited November 25, 2023 by Bagradain

[BooksandTrees]

On 11/24/2023 at 6:00 PM, Bagradain said:

Seeking solutions.

For what? 

[Bagradain]

On 12/3/2023 at 8:40 PM, BooksandTrees said:

For what? 

Good morning.

To find something similar to beautiful armor and weapons design from game in real life of course.

[Bagradain]

Monday, December 11.

I found a new gamificated productivity app, started using it a few days ago.

Also, I succeeded at playing my favourite game no more than 1 hour per day.

[Amphibian220]

Does violence in video games make them attractive to you? 

This could explain the anger issue. Another point is video games give a great illusion of control and easy tasks to solve. Real life progress requires discipline, consistency, planning, resolution, courage. Games do not require any of this. Once you start detoxing, you realize you have to relearn life skills, so you have to have patience with it and ask safe people for help.

[Bagradain]

6 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Does violence in video games make them attractive to you? 

This could explain the anger issue. Another point is video games give a great illusion of control and easy tasks to solve. Real life progress requires discipline, consistency, planning, resolution, courage. Games do not require any of this. Once you start detoxing, you realize you have to relearn life skills, so you have to have patience with it and ask safe people for help.

Good evening.

Well, I really had problem with anger in my childhood, and was often releasing it while playing games, but now I learned to take a deep breath, meditate, listen calm music and using visualisation, so now I'm making progress even with my anger.

What I really like in games, it's a user interface (Level system), where you can track your progress.

And maybe good graphics and beautiful drawn items too🤔

Peace.

P.S. Now I realised that I playing my favourite game to get closer to my character's personality, to become a Knight in real life.

Why?

Knights never hurt a woman.

Knights will protect innocents in danger.

Knights respect and protect the law.

Knights are polite.

Edited December 11, 2023 by Bagradain

[Bagradain]

Saturday December 16, 2023

Today is the second day I haven't played games. I'm using a new gamified productivity app. I don't know about other people, but it helps me develop new habits.

I also read about escapism, and thought about it. I figured out why I hate real life.

All I wanted, and want now, is a normal family. When the parents divorced, everything fell apart. But this was unavoidable. And now it cannot be changed either. It's just that after this event, there were a lot of quarrels, fights, bad memories, tears, wasted time, bullying and psychologists in my life. It hurts me that everything happened like this.

Of course, this is only the past. However, I still think of myself as worthless (that's what they told me at school), and because of my disability, I think of myself as trash. I do not know why. All I know is that I hate real life and am constantly obsessed with changing my past. I don't even know how to live normally and what to do next.

I hope you're all well. 

Peace.