Thriving - A Journal

[Vee 22]

I keep my own journal on Obsidian, so this thread will be more for a sense of accountability/venting than anything else.

The Past

The first time I think I had an issue with gaming was when I was 13 (in 2002) and used to skip lunch to play games in the IT room, which continued for about two years. Throughout my 20s and early 30s, it has been a crutch. Even when working full time I would rack up 30hrs+ a week gaming, and when I've not been employed 60-80hrs is often standard. The longest I've gone without it is about three weeks, back around 2015. It's been so ingrained in my life that it's hard to really know how much it has affected my basic functioning.

I've experienced depression for a long time, which is hard to untangle from gaming. Has depression made me inclined towards gaming, or has gaming made me more depressed? Is my low functioning due to gaming, or due to depression? The obvious answer to both is that it's mixed, but I haven't really had (or can't remember) a "before" stage to truly pin things down. The first time I self-harmed was when I was 8, and I also had a weird amount of anxiety at that age (I don't broadly consider myself an anxious person). I'm not sure I'd say I became depressed until I was 15, but still had other (mild) mental issues between 8-15. I was moderately depressed throughout my 20s. I've never developed any habits/routines that are considered normal, like brushing my teeth. My lowest point was in 2021, but things have gotten better since then.

The Present

I am currently NEET by choice (I'm living off a solid amount of savings from my previous job) and in a really good position in life. I'm living with brilliant friends in a decent town and have good energy levels. While I am trying to get into the habit of feeding myself, my housemates often cook food, so it's not the disaster it once was. This year, for the first time in my adult life, I've begun exercising (I used to walk a bit, but nothing more than that), although because there was a heatwave recently I've fallen out of the routine. I've also done a few things this year which are outside of my comfort zone, such as going to a four-day dance festival.

I feel...Not depressed? Maybe? Because I have a lifetime of below-average functioning, I am still externally not great. I really struggle with forming any kind of routine, but internally I feel positive. To give an example that sounds utterly ridiculous: I didn't know what magpies looked like until this time last year. I've never been one for leaving the house much, but even when I did go outside, it was like viewing everything in the world as box-like placeholders. Birds might as well have just been moving boxes in the sky, they couldn't possibly hold my interest. I guess the usual way of framing things is like saying the world was black and white and now it was in colour, but that doesn't really portray how hard it was to register what was happening around me.

I uninstalled Steam earlier this month, didn't play for three days, then reinstalled it to play a narrative game. I uninstalled Steam again two days ago. I was falling into a pit of playing three different incremental games at once, despite telling myself that I was only going to play that one narrative game. Browser-based games are also an issue for me, but there aren't any that I am currently fixated on.

The Future

I'll be honest, I don't like the idea of setting any too strict rules on what I'm doing or not doing. It hasn't worked out well in other areas. My current rough idea is: I will avoid PC games for one month (until October 18), review how I feel, and hopefully go for a longer stretch from there. Broadly I want to avoid mobile or console games, but it's not something I'm too concerned by, as I've so rarely been truly engrossed in anything not on PC. Odd as it sounds, I don't think my brain's mental map has strong pathways for using my phone or holding a controller, even though I could literally play the same games on those platforms.

While I can fall into watching too many random YouTube videos, watching too much TV, or reading pointless articles, I don't want to be overly ambitious in my goals. I would like to avoid those things, but I am not going to be strict about them in the same way I hope to be with PC games. I intend to note when I have done these things - I want to heighten my awareness of how I am actually spending my time.

I don't want to fall into some productivity trap where I'm constantly striving for something in the distance, never content with what I have. While I would like to do some career course (I am vaguely thinking of doing the AAT for accountancy), or, even better, be self-employed, I need to work on exploring possibilities and simply learning how to enjoy things. So my goals fall into two categories. The below are roughly in order.

Foundational:

• Primary goal: Eat three meals a day (Breakfast is the only one I'm currently good at) and do at least a tiny bit of cooking
• Exercise at least three times a week (Running, else walking if I'm really not up for it), and try to at least do a few pushups on off days
• Sleep hygiene - ideally go to bed before midnight and wake before 9am. For me, this tends to be about having other things aligned in my life (e.g. not being engrossed in a game, or not going to bed hungry).
• Hygiene - brush my teeth at least once a day, shower at least twice a week or after exercise (whichever is more)

Complex (for want of a better word):

• Journal daily, or close to. Make weekly reflection notes in Obsidian, and generally just use Obsidian more. I love the program, but I don't utilise it to its full potential.
• Write - ideally daily. I also want to start submitting some of my old short stories to magazines, and engage more in my writing group (which I've largely ignored for months)
• Read - ideally daily
• Explore other potential hobbies - juggling, ukelele, hiking, volunteering, kickboxing...

Doing all of that is obviously very ambitious for someone who currently eats 2 meals a day at best and (now that I've fallen out of the routine of running) doesn't leave the house every week. As long as I've not played games and I've eaten three meals, I will consider it a good day. Everything else is a bonus. I've had some success just trying to do things for five minutes at a time - juggling for five minutes, or tidying up the kitchen while I'm waiting on the microwave - so I will persist in trying that more.

Today

Today I will look into website blocking, and use Obsidian to ponder over what goals are realistic for me in the short-term. I hope to go for a run and then cook myself rice. It would be nice to plan out the next section of my novel after that, but I might just watch TV and not pressure myself with "should"s.

Edited September 19 by Vee
title change

[Vee 22]

I wrote the above at midday, but since I want to post at the end of the day going forward, I'll do a second post for today.

I didn't game today, and I ate three meals!

Got a fair few little things done today, both things I want to be routine and one-off tasks. Emailed for more info about kickboxing and a volunteering thing I was looking at a while ago, and finally started sorting out investments. In terms of routine things: brushed my teeth, went for a mini jog, showered, did ten minutes of juggling, a little bit of reading, a few minutes of household chores.

From 5-8pm I did some frictionless stuff (watching TV), then I just pondered over potential hobbies, looked up local places, and made a few notes in Obsidian.

I've been trying to work out how to mentally frame "productive" things vs "relaxing" things. I feel like definitions are important for how I process my behaviour, and "productive" is a term that is far too loaded for me. For things like watching TV (which I don't want to be constantly doing, but I'm not interested in cutting out) calling them "relaxing" also causes issues because it makes it seem like the other category can't be relaxing. I hope to get to a stage where running, writing, or juggling can feel relaxing. "Frictionless" feels like the best term, as other activities can naturally slip into that category as I become more familiar or proficient with them. Currently, my frictionless category is tiny - gaming, watching TV, daydreaming, and sometimes browsing the internet.

That still doesn't help with naming other things, which range from the semi-necessary (brushing my teeth, eating meals) to the "currently have to push myself but can be fun" things like running, some types of socialising, or writing. "Challenging" makes them seem daunting. "Meaningful" makes them feel too important and potentially guilt-inducing. The closest thing I can think of is calling them "momentum-building" activities. It does still have a slight connotation that frictionless activities are in some way "stagnant", but I don't think my mind connects that too strongly. It doesn't feel like a guilt-inducing word, it doesn't suggest they are/aren't relaxing and it doesn't suggest they are/aren't tedious. In the future, an activity could be both frictionless and momentum-building (fingers crossed that will happen with writing). Or something can move from being a momentum activity to being a frictionless one - I don't aspire to "do" anything with my juggling, or constantly progress, but it's a cool skill that doesn't have downsides like gaming does. It doesn't quite fit for everything (and I am perhaps slightly twisting the word anyway), but it's the best fit I've come up with so far.

I know it sounds like I'm overthinking it, but words are important to me!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I hope to start waking up earlier. If I have the energy, I'll go for another mini jog, otherwise a brief walk to get myself out of the house. I want to focus on my writing tomorrow.

I'll probably stop writing a wall of text after today as well!

Edited September 19 by Vee

[wheatbiscuit 210]

I think frictionless and momentum-building are two great classifications. I suppose throwing time-scheduling into the mix might complicate things - @Yan is good there. Heh, but really, it's pretty clever to define the feelings of activities up-front as much as their approximate value to everyone else.

We're having a Spring heatwave too in Australia at the moment, which has almost completely knocked outdoor activities on their heads since the weekend. 

Over!

Edited Wednesday at 05:10 AM by wheatbiscuit

[Vee 22]

17 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

We're having a Spring heatwave too in Australia at the moment, which has almost completely knocked outdoor activities on their heads since the weekend. 

 

 

 

For me it was a bit of an excuse - I could still have pushed myself and jogged (or gotten up early to jog when it wasn't so hot) but I wouldn't have enjoyed myself.

Today

I didn't game today! And I ate...two meals. I've eaten a couple of snacks for dinner, but I couldn't really manage a meal and it just felt inconvenient. I could have planned my evening better to fit it in, but oh well.

I woke up super late and felt sluggish and a bit moody for most of the day, BUT I went for a great jog in the rain this evening! I was just going to do a mini-jog, but when I realised how lovely the rain was I went for my standard length of 7K. The first half of it felt like the most natural thing in the world. My body moved so effortlessly and the rain was lovely. The second half was also good, but slightly more of a push, and I had two very brief walking bits. It ended up being my third best for 5K, which isn't bad considering I've fallen a little out of the habit. I also got a wave from another jogger, which was a lovely brief connection.

I spent a good hour planning the second chunk of my novel (I've divided it into five chunks). It's not a super thorough plan, but it's good enough I could start writing it. After my jog, I went on my writing group call, which I haven't attended for weeks, maybe months. I didn't share anything, but gave some hopefully good feedback, and our chat was fun.

Tomorrow

I want to work on my writing some more, although I'll decide tomorrow if that's more planning or if I should just jump into writing. I haven't touched my ukelele in about a week (I only bought it recently), so I'll try that, even if just for five minutes. I want to get back into reading, but I'll decide tomorrow if I'll go for a book or short stories.

[Vee 22]

I didn't game today and I ate two meals. I missed dinner, didn't really feel hungry, but I know I should have tried to eat something anyway as I've barely snacked.

Pretty much only did frictionless things today - daydream and watch YouTube. I went to bed at midnight, but couldn't get to sleep until after 2am. At 2am I did technically do a bit of writing on my phone (since I clearly wasn't sleeping), and I've typed that up on my computer this evening, so technically I've done a tiny bit of writing. It's so frustrating - writing is FUN, I love what my brain comes up with, but I have such weird blockages around it so much of the time.

For five days in a row I've managed to eat breakfast and lunch, brush my teeth, and journal. I've not gamed for four days in a row. So by several measures I am doing better than I usually do, even if the bulk of my day hasn't been doing any momentum-building activities.

Tomorrow

I want to start jogging soon after waking up. I guess this means I'll have to jog on an empty stomach, but I think it would set me up well for the day - either making me feel more ready to approach other momentum-building things, or else just boost my mood even if I just do frictionless activities the rest of the day.

I hope to have a writing day tomorrow. If I do end up jotting down notes in the night, then I should try to type them up after breakfast. If I had done that today (instead of typing them up late) it might have led to me doing some writing. After breakfast (regardless of whether I've had to type up notes), I should at least read through my writing plan from the other day - not putting pressure on myself to do anything further, but not blanket avoiding the whole concept. Simply reading my notes is almost frictionless.

While I've chatted a bit with my housemates this week, I haven't really reached out to any other friends. Maybe arrange meeting up with someone? I'm really bad at initiating. I should check in with my micro writing group (me and two others from the bigger writing group) and see how they are getting on.

[FDRx7 59]

I'm excited to see someone mention they use Obsidian! I use Zettlr and have also tried Obsidian. I've been attempting to get in the habit of doing a Zettelkasten, but without a productive or creative use for it, it's been difficult. I used to have a blog, maybe I should start that up again just to synthesize my learnings. Something I'm trying to work on...

On 9/19/2023 at 6:03 PM, Vee said:

I've been trying to work out how to mentally frame "productive" things vs "relaxing" things. I feel like definitions are important for how I process my behaviour, and "productive" is a term that is far too loaded for me. For things like watching TV (which I don't want to be constantly doing, but I'm not interested in cutting out) calling them "relaxing" also causes issues because it makes it seem like the other category can't be relaxing. I hope to get to a stage where running, writing, or juggling can feel relaxing. "Frictionless" feels like the best term, as other activities can naturally slip into that category as I become more familiar or proficient with them. Currently, my frictionless category is tiny - gaming, watching TV, daydreaming, and sometimes browsing the internet.

I agree, these definitions are important. If it helps, I have been using the terms "active entertainment" and "passive entertainment." Neither necessarily means it is good or bad, just that by its definition I can more appropriately choose what to do based on my energy levels. In my latest journal entry, I mentioned how even certain books are more demanding than others. The ones that are less demanding are almost a form of passive entertainment. Still, I know that in my own mind I have a built in hierarchy of what types of entertainment are better than others. I have also started classifying some things as "meditative" so that I'm willing to do them in silence to relax - for example bathing my dog and cleaning all the old records I bought are both considered meditative to me.

I like what you said about avoiding a productivity trap and not wanting to "do something" with juggling. Our culture now makes it seem like we need to monetize or capture attention with everything we do. We are inclined to consider the value of an activity by its monetary or social worth, having lost the sense to do something for its own sake. I struggled with this a lot in many of my hobbies and only recently have started to just let them be. It wasn't that I wanted to always "do" something with them, but there was an ingrained feeling of needing to be productive with or about the hobby (if that makes sense).

You have a very thoughtful journal and it seems like you are taking great steps. Congrats on your progress so far!

[Vee 22]

8 hours ago, FDRx7 said:

I'm excited to see someone mention they use Obsidian! I use Zettlr and have also tried Obsidian. I've been attempting to get in the habit of doing a Zettelkasten, but without a productive or creative use for it, it's been difficult. I used to have a blog, maybe I should start that up again just to synthesize my learnings. Something I'm trying to work on...

 

 

When I started using Obsidian, I spent ages looking into all the different note-taking methods, but now I've just leaned into chaos. My main use for it is as a journal (sometimes using dataview to pull through information to other pages). While I do keep all my writing notes there, I don't have any special system - I might as well use Google docs like I used to. But I like that I can make things more structured if needs be. Certainly if I was writing a story from multiple POVs or world-spanning elements I would have more structure to my creative notes, but that isn't currently necessary.

8 hours ago, FDRx7 said:

I like what you said about avoiding a productivity trap and not wanting to "do something" with juggling. Our culture now makes it seem like we need to monetize or capture attention with everything we do. We are inclined to consider the value of an activity by its monetary or social worth, having lost the sense to do something for its own sake. I struggled with this a lot in many of my hobbies and only recently have started to just let them be. It wasn't that I wanted to always "do" something with them, but there was an ingrained feeling of needing to be productive with or about the hobby (if that makes sense).

You have a very thoughtful journal and it seems like you are taking great steps. Congrats on your progress so far!

 

Thanks! I do struggle with the concept of enjoying something for its own sake. Definitely true with my writing. Although I explore themes I find interesting rather than what I imagine will be popular, I still get bogged down by thinking about how engaging my story will be to the reader. Once I actually get into the flow, it's great, but it's tricky getting there.

[Vee 22]

Today

I didn't game today! And I ate two meals. I ended up napping at lunch time and couldn't decide on what to eat afterwards, so just had a snack.

A lot of today was spent lying down and daydreaming/napping. I'm not sure if it's that the lack of gaming exposes my actual energy levels, or if I just struggle to engage with other things. Still, I did do my pre-breakfast run. I...don't intend on making that a habit. I was awful - I couldn't even run 1k on an empty stomach before switching to walking and it left me feeling unsatisfied. I tried it before with similar results, but I had hoped it would be different. I will have to stick to running later in the day, probably pre-lunch.

I got some writing done! I've now put "read writing notes" as one of my daily to-dos as it's an easy first step and I usually can't resist doing at least a little bit of writing or planning. Did some juggling as well while waiting for food (we got takeaway for dinner).

This evening I spent an hour watching my housemate play Baldur's Gate. Didn't feel tempted to play it myself, it actually seemed mediocre. Did want to play something though. Nothing specific, I just I want to watch numbers go up. I want the feeling that I'm constantly improving, on a minute-by-minute basis. Whenever I've tried gamification habit apps they haven't hit the spot at all because what I want is CONSTANT FEEDBACK. I'm not sure if any other hobby is comparable in that regard.

Tomorrow

Technically I could go to a Parkrun, but the housemate who has done them before is busy, and I don't want to go on my own... Also my sleep has been rubbish recently, so I'd struggle to wake up in time (I'm writing this after midnight...Damn my nap). Maybe next week?

I think I'll still go for a run at some point tomorrow. I also want to do more writing - I didn't get into the flow today, but I feel solid about the next two scenes.

[wheatbiscuit 210]

3 hours ago, Vee said:

This evening I spent an hour watching my housemate play Baldur's Gate. Didn't feel tempted to play it myself, it actually seemed mediocre. Did want to play something though. Nothing specific, I just I want to watch numbers go up. I want the feeling that I'm constantly improving, on a minute-by-minute basis. Whenever I've tried gamification habit apps they haven't hit the spot at all because what I want is CONSTANT FEEDBACK. I'm not sure if any other hobby is comparable in that regard.

Weightlifting might compare - you've either got the strength to move a specific weight, or you don't; if you do, try the same movement a few more times and then go from 4 to 8/12/16 times (I say in fours because you can keep a rhythm to music easily that way)! 

I'm sorry to pounce like that - I'm truly a resistance training advocate :3

Edited Saturday at 02:27 AM by wheatbiscuit

[Vee 22]

19 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Weightlifting might compare - you've either got the strength to move a specific weight, or you don't; if you do, try the same movement a few more times and then go from 4 to 8/12/16 times (I say in fours because you can keep a rhythm to music easily that way)! 

I'm sorry to pounce like that - I'm truly a resistance training advocate :3

 

 

I would like to get into lifting! I've tried a few times and never managed to make it a routine. I need to at least somewhat sort out my eating first though.

Today

I didn't game today, and I ate two meals (skipped lunch). Didn't do any writing and did a mediocre jog.

Had low energy and low mood most of the day. Spent a lot of time lying down day-dreaming - an issue that's cropped up previous times I've tried to quit gaming. Today though it's been more clear that the primary issue is lack of calories, probably anemia too (I'm prone to it). Jogging worsens my appetite, which is frustrating (I probably shouldn't have gone jogging today...). Not having my usual constant stimulation probably also contributes to the sense of low energy (if not the reality), as when I'm fully engaged in something (e.g. gaming) I find it easy to ignore energy problems.

My eating habits are a foundational issue, and if I can at least somewhat improve it, everything else will be easier.

Tomorrow

I need to make a plan regarding eating... It's been a lifelong issue, but I think simply having a list of potential meals and snacks could help, dividing them up into easy (banana, ready meal) vs more scary/time consuming. When I've tried to do something before, I attempt overly-ambitious (for me) meal plans and then fail quickly. A list will remind me that I can at least eat a piece of bread, if I can't manage a meal. Such a basic thing for most of humanity, but I forget bread (and most other food) is an option. I should look into ARFID - I'm not sure it's quite the same issue, but it's the closest thing I've found. Maybe I'll set an actual alarm (rather than a reminder) to eat at 2pm and 7pm and try to stick to it (a snack at worse), rather than put it off.

I'll go to the supermarket and buy bananas and whatever else strikes me as sufficiently easy for a meal/snack. I could look into Huel again, but I don't really want to go down that road - I think meal replacements are avoiding the issue rather than addressing it.

I'll avoid jogging for at least a couple of days. I've over-done it this week, and it both interferes with my appetite and means I ought to be eating more.

If my energy continues to be low, I will temporarily use my laptop in bed. I know it's bad sleep hygiene, but I think it's mentally and physically better to do that than sleep or day-dream. 

[FDRx7 59]

I'm going to jump on the wagon with @wheatbiscuit and advocate for weightlifting as well! I started about 10 years ago and it has truly been life-changing. It has changed my confidence and the way I view myself. It has also helped me to learn how to focus on my own goals and not compare to others, because what matters is the goals you set for you, not what the person next to you or your friend is lifting.

Only a suggestion, but I'd recommend checking out https://www.aworkoutroutine.com/. You don't have to use his stuff forever, but he really helped me to understand the basics and cut through a lot noise in the weightlifting world. He simply explains diet and optimal workouts. You can start with the beginner workout which is very short, only three exercises three-times a week. It helps build a foundation of strength and a habit.

I agree with you, fixing your diet will also help. I'm with you on not eating enough. In my latest journal entry, I had actually just written that I need to create a meal plan and reminders to eat (funny you were thinking the same!). I don't eat enough during the day and it has held back my workout progress. I'm starting with some easy snacks like dried edamame that I can put in containers ahead of time and some protein shakes that I can mix up the night before. That way I can just take them right out of the fridge at the time to eat tomorrow. I'm also making a meal for lunch that will stretch three days, because lunch is my weakest meal. I only choose 1-2 elaborate meals for dinner a week to expand my cooking without overwhelming myself. Maybe these will help? But as you said, start slow so that it is sustainable.

Sorry for the book...

[Vee 22]

Today

I didn't game in any problem sense (in-person Trombone Champ, a party game, which falls more under socialising than gaming), and I ate three meals (although other people made lunch and dinner, so that made it easy).

I forgot we had a friend round today, so we all sat around chatting for most of the day and I missed the supermarket Sunday opening times. I also didn't write up any eating plan. Still, my mood is a lot better today, and my energy was good enough that I didn't have to nap.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow's plan is to actually make some sort of eating plan. I guess the reason I'm good at breakfast is that I have the same thing every day. If I could at least make rice every lunch time (a small amount if I'm really not hungry) then that would sort lunch out, and I can vary what is added to it, if anything. Dinner is always going to be more of a variable because of housemates. 

Technically, I could go to my first kickboxing session tomorrow... I will have a think about it.