Breaking out of brain jail journal

[jailbreaker. 47]

A few general experiences I'm grateful for today:

 

- Met all (or at least a lot) of new colleagues at the "Deli"/kitchen, and, once again, everyone was uber chill. They appreciated my goofy jokes and were mostly not awkward at all, which was nice.

There's one older guy who's a little strange, (just gives off some strange vibes) but... Idk, maybe I just don't know him well enough yet?

I don't wanna shy away from him, though. That's what really makes "strange" people "strangers," most of the time: just not knowing them, not including them. I know that for a fact, since I've experienced it myself. I'll sum it up by saying most of my "friends" during middle and high school were just a last resort to avoid being a total outcast. It's not that I disliked them, rather that I just didn't connect with them that much.

I sat with them at lunch, and I was in band with some of them. Never really hung out outside of school, though. Always felt left out of the "inner circle," y'know? Like there was something was lacking, something missing from the bonds between us. Had a few close friends, but even then, very limited time together away from school. I was too busy gaming, watching Netflix, and focusing on my studies, band, and my goal to get into a good college.

 

This experience of always being an "outsider" has really impacted who I am today. I honestly think it's more difficult for me to know that someone's not being included and do nothing about it. Gives me a bad feeling. For me, feeling left out is the worst. Conversely, feeling included is the best! So, I try to make everyone feel included in social situations.

 

That's why, when I got to college, I kind of "assembled the Avengers," and contributed a lot to forming a few close friend groups. It took considerable effort to kinda be the "plan-suggester/connecting everyone/inclusivity guy," but it was worth it. I even ended up rooming with some of them in my second year. It did take time away from my studies, but I've made my peace with it. Made the right choices (aside from excessive gaming), met some great people, had some fantastic experiences.

Whenever I feel pangs of regret about it, I just ask myself, "What're a few bad grades gonna be in the long run, versus a few lifelong friends?"

Nothin'. May cost me more money in the short term, but friendships like that are priceless in my eyes.

I will balance my focus more in the near future, though. Can't just hang out with friends all the time and not get my work done. Or game all the rest of the time. Now that I'm not gaming's outta the equation, it should be a piece of cake. Hopefully.

 

- Had some good chicken tenders for lunch, and a root beer. Trying to avoid soda in general, since it's bad for my teeth and overall health, but I let myself have a treat every now and then. Can't have caffeine, though. Makes me jittery. That's why I like root beer. Caffeine free. Just has a bunch of syrupy sugar, instead, I guess.

 

- Noticed that someone at the deli, my supervisor, I think, had an Otter Pop. It's a long popsicle that you eat out of its plastic wrapping, in case you've never seen one before. Comes in all sorts of flavors and colors.

I'm grateful I saw him eating it, because it brought back some good childhood memories.

Otter Pops, man... Every little event in the "after-school program," in elementary and middle school, had Otter Pops. A little fair one time, with carnival and party games all over the place, some kids' birthdays, end-of-the-school year celebrations, movie nights, dances... Huh. It's all coming back to me...

 

Alright, can't reminisce all night, so one last thing; then sleep:

- Got to help some guests at the theme park take group photos. I was doing a food delivery, and along the way, I noticed that one person was being left out. (Hey, full circle!) Of course, I came to the rescue, and offered to help them take a photo with everyone in it.

They were, elated? I guess that's the word? Showered me in compliments, like "Oh, you're an angel! You're the best!" I replied, joking as if I was a super hero who just saved the day, "Just doing my job, folks!" And I made them laugh right before the picture, so the smiles were genuine!

 

Wow, I think theme park work really suits me. For now... We'll see what I say a week from now, after Memorial Day weekend! I've got high hopes for it, though, still, based on my past few days.

 

Allllright, goooooooooooooood night.

[jailbreaker. 47]

Gratefulness journal for today:

3 general things:

- The Internet, my wifi, and my computer. I wanna make that one group of things I'm grateful for. I was doing a lot of research for my D&D campaign, mainly on Eberron, since I may wanna incorporate some interesting concepts into my campaign. Specifically, I'm picking out ideas that may mesh with my themes and setting, like a world-origin story, different countries on one big continent, histories of different races, lost civilizations, or portals to other planes, etc. Grabbed an idea from Critical Role as well, to build on a monk villain I'm making. "Way of the Cobalt Soul." Very similar to a basic acolyte background, it's just got some more flavor, abilities and lore to it that I can use.

Gotta sleep soon, so I'm gonna just do the next 2 things real quick.

- My bed. It's comfy and I get good, restful sleep on it.

- My kitchen and the food I can make in it. Glad I have a microwave. Seriously, it saved my life when I was depressed and could barely do anything, let alone cook.

 

K, goooood night.

[jailbreaker. 47]

Mini-gratefulness journal:

- I've come a long way from being stuck in bed, devoid of all emotion. Thankful for all the people who have helped me along on the journey.

- My colleagues are all great so far. Fun to be around and talk to. Excited to see them again; grateful for the inspiration they give me to keep on the path to my goals.

- I got the day off for celebrating my brother's graduation from college this Friday. So glad I get to be there for him on his big day.

Alrighty. G'night.

Edited Wednesday at 07:37 AM by jailbreaker.

[Zoe 106]

4 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

I've come a long way from being stuck in bed, devoid of all emotion. Thankful for all the people who have helped me along on the journey.

Congrats on this! Glad to hear things are going well. 😀

[jailbreaker. 47]

Another mini-gratefulness journal, since I have an early shift tomorrow:

Grateful for...

- having a job with so many great perks. I'll be even more grateful once I get paid though:)

- the berries I just ate as a late-night snack. Crazy to think our ancestors used to have to forage for those, and now we just pick 'em up at the grocery store. Thankful for all of the farm workers who grew and harvested the berries, as well. And the grocery store and its employees. Plenty to be grateful about there.

- this community. I'd probably still be gaming if I hadn't come here. Thanks everybody. Just knowing we're all in this together is a big help for me. Yeah, sounds cheesy, but it's true.

K, gouda night. 🧀

Edited Thursday at 06:26 AM by jailbreaker.

[Zoe 106]

12 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

this community. I'd probably still be gaming if I hadn't come here. Thanks everybody. Just knowing we're all in this together is a big help for me. Yeah, sounds cheesy, but it's true.

K, gouda night. 🧀

Cheesy and gouda made me lol

[jailbreaker. 47]

Instead of a gratefulness journal, I wanna write about some things that I'm worried about. Hopefully I'll feel less worried about them if I can just see them in writing as they are.

 

Worried about:

- not getting along with some people at work. I tend to exaggerate small bad moments with people in my mind. Catastrophizing kept me from getting into trouble with my overly sensitive dad. If I always feared the worst, I could always be on guard against it. Long story short, I'm just afraid of other people's opinions of me. 

I mentioned this in response to something @Zoe said in her journal about "compulsive people-pleasing." I felt that so deeply.

 

I haven't always been Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, though. There was a time when I was little, like 5 to 8 years old, when I was kind of an arrogant little prick, to put it lightly. I framed one of my friends for something stupid I did, and got away with it. I (lightly) slapped a girl with chubby cheeks, because I thought it was funny to see her face jiggle. She didn't fight back or anything, so I thought it was fine. Of course, it wasn't fine, but 5-year-old me didn't know any better. At least until I got the scolding of a lifetime. I would try to correct people's grammar/spelling and play the know-it-all, even if I had no clue what I was talking about. I would also just straight up pathologically lie to people. God, I was a little demon child sometimes. 

I think I started getting better in middle school, when I realized how stupid I was acting. Don't know exactly how, but I think I just mellowed out to try to make more friends, or at least not be enemies with people. Guilt and shame shaped me at that age. Translated into anxiety and depression, and so on.

I still have some residual arrogance and know-it-all-ness, but I can control it most of the time now. I just have to watch out for when I'm in a manic state, since it's easy to become arrogant like that. 

I'm too tired to write more, so I'm going to sleep now. Gooooood night.

[LordFederickRamsay 98]

5 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

Instead of a gratefulness journal, I wanna write about some things that I'm worried about. Hopefully I'll feel less worried about them if I can just see them in writing as they are.

 

Worried about:

- not getting along with some people at work. I tend to exaggerate small bad moments with people in my mind. Catastrophizing kept me from getting into trouble with my overly sensitive dad. If I always feared the worst, I could always be on guard against it. Long story short, I'm just afraid of other people's opinions of me. 

I mentioned this in response to something @Zoe said in her journal about "compulsive people-pleasing." I felt that so deeply.

Was your dad hot-and-cold with you? Also, I think we all have that in common. My god, this part of your entry could have been written by me. 

[Zoe 106]

7 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

Catastrophizing kept me from getting into trouble with my overly sensitive dad. If I always feared the worst, I could always be on guard against it. Long story short, I'm just afraid of other people's opinions of me.

This hit me deep in the heart. I’m really sorry you went through that. hyper vigilance is a bbbb…

 

7 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

t. I would also just straight up pathologically lie to people. God, I was a little demon child sometimes

Ok, compulsively want to make this ok..You were a child, we were all little demons lol. But yeah, don’t mean to take away the heavy guilt with that. I am working through this in therapy now…when we aren’t allowed to be a child and have things normalized and taught another way…well….it can be the foundation of OCD unfortunately. 

Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable. You definitely are not alone with these feelings. 

[jailbreaker. 47]

@LordFederickRamsay, my dad was/is always kind of lukewarm/passive-aggressive/manipulative, rather than "hot and cold."

He was a prosecutor for a long time. I think that rubbed off on him quite a bit. All that arguing, trying to find his opponent's weaknesses in their defense, always on the attack. He's got a predator mind, ngl. Kinda creeps me out how he's always trying to put on a sweet facade so that he can just be a piece of shit later, once people let their guard down. It's hard to describe specific instances, since it just happened/happens alllll the timmmeee, y'know?

But if I had to think of one example of his form of being an ass that happens a lot, it's his gradual revealing of his true nature. He's always on his best behavior to people's faces at first. Then, once he gets to know them, he starts treating them badly, but in a way that makes him seem like the victim. He constantly tries to create a power dynamic in some way. He's got an inferiority complex, I think, so he tries to make himself feel better by making himself more powerful over others.

For example, let's say someone does something that hits one of his high-strung nerves, and they apologize. But then my dad, instead of just taking the apology, like "no problem, you're fine!" he starts picking at their shame like a scab once he sees the opportunity. Makes them more vulnerable so that he has the upper hand. His tactics differ depending on the "opponent" he's "facing," but it all ends up with the same result: he ends up in a position where he has control over other people, based on guilt and/or shame, and then starts using that power to get what he wants out of people.

Usually he just wants (as far as I can tell) the attention, or the feeling of having just that little bit of power in a relationship. Why? Idk, maybe he just feels powerless in his personal life for whatever reason, or insecure. He collects guns and knives and tries to act all manly and conservative, but he's really just a guy who's afraid. That's where I can relate to him a bit, what with my worrying about others' opinions of me. But at least I don't try to manipulate people in order to feel better about myself or gain power over them.

Conversations about money and plans are a common way for him to gain leverage over me and my siblings. Guilt trips us, tries to reason everything his way, makes himself look like the victim; basically uses every trick in the manipulative book. Kinda the definition of toxic, unfortunately.

Thankful that I don't have to live with him anymore. That was hell for me. Anyway, does that answer your question, George? Sorry, I know I kinda rambled on a bit there. Hope it was in some way helpful for you.

 

@Zoe, I appreciate your kind words. I know I was just a little demon child, and I didn't know any better, but it's nice to hear someone else affirm that belief. Ha, I just remembered, I literally bit a kid once because he took my milk carton and my seat. Kid was kind of a bully, and I felt like I was serving him justice, I guess.

Weird how I remember what I was feeling at the time, since I was so little. How could I forget, though, right? I mean, who forgets a moment in their life when they bit the class bully in retaliation? Ha, man, he was so shocked, it was kinda hilarious thinking back on it. But of course, totally unacceptable, and I did get in trouble.

One other thing I remember, while my mind is here I suppose, I was explaining how the drinking fountain worked to some classmates of mine. Buuut, I didn't have a clue how it actually worked. So I just said that the water that you don't drink gets recycled, and then more water comes through the pipes, or something like that. I probably wasn't too far off with my guess, but I was stating it like it was fact. Not really the most humble thing to do. I think I was trying to gain people's admiration or approval, as if being "the smart kid" would make me more valuable in my classmates' eyes, no matter how much I fudged my "facts."

 

Yeesh, glad I can always fact-check everything now. Thankful for my handy dandy phone and whatnot. The training in school that I got to parse out the truth from the misinformation or "almost-truth." How to find credible resources, and never make a claim if I can't back it up with concrete evidence and solid reasoning. Thanks English class.

 

Do you remember any "little demon" moments you had as a kid, too? I'd love to hear it if you're willing to share that. Just fun to hear those kinds of stories and relate and stuff.

 

Gonna try to just read and respond to people's journals for a bit. I feel like I need to get outside of my own experiences and talk to y'all about yours! I love hearing your stories, too, and relating to them, so it'll be fun.

Gotta go to work tomorrow, and I guess I sorta already covered my gratefulness journal in my responses to you guys, so I'm gonna hit the hay. Gooooood night.

Edited yesterday at 07:04 AM by jailbreaker.

[wheatbiscuit 19]

13 minutes ago, jailbreaker. said:

Do you remember any "little demon" moments you had as a kid? I'd love to hear it if you're willing to share that.

Too many; all in the name of 'justice' of course. Each time, basically, I wanted to knock (often literally) sense into someone for straying morally, or so I thought. Best example was age 6-7, listening to a kid gloat after succeeding at something about this new candy/sweet thing and swatting it into the dirt. It was 'too much' for me to stand. I like to think I know the reasons for these things and will/have learn(ed) through meditation and stuff, but it still would have felt awful for them, every time, I'm pretty sure.

 

 

 

Edited yesterday at 07:07 AM by wheatbiscuit

[LordFederickRamsay 98]

10 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

@LordFederickRamsay, my dad was/is always kind of lukewarm/passive-aggressive/manipulative, rather than "hot and cold."

He was a prosecutor for a long time. I think that rubbed off on him quite a bit. All that arguing, trying to find his opponent's weaknesses in their defense, always on the attack. He's got a predator mind, ngl. Kinda creeps me out how he's always trying to put on a sweet facade so that he can just be a piece of shit later, once people let their guard down. It's hard to describe specific instances, since it just happened/happens alllll the timmmeee, y'know?

But if I had to think of one example of his form of being an ass that happens a lot, it's his gradual revealing of his true nature. He's always on his best behavior to people's faces at first. Then, once he gets to know them, he starts treating them badly, but in a way that makes him seem like the victim. He constantly tries to create a power dynamic in some way. He's got an inferiority complex, I think, so he tries to make himself feel better by making himself more powerful over others.

For example, let's say someone does something that hits one of his high-strung nerves, and they apologize. But then my dad, instead of just taking the apology, like "no problem, you're fine!" he starts picking at their shame like a scab once he sees the opportunity. Makes them more vulnerable so that he has the upper hand. His tactics differ depending on the "opponent" he's "facing," but it all ends up with the same result: he ends up in a position where he has control over other people, based on guilt and/or shame, and then starts using that power to get what he wants out of people.

Usually he just wants (as far as I can tell) the attention, or the feeling of having just that little bit of power in a relationship. Why? Idk, maybe he just feels powerless in his personal life for whatever reason, or insecure. He collects guns and knives and tries to act all manly and conservative, but he's really just a guy who's afraid. That's where I can relate to him a bit, what with my worrying about others' opinions of me. But at least I don't try to manipulate people in order to feel better about myself or gain power over them.

Conversations about money and plans are a common way for him to gain leverage over me and my siblings. Guilt trips us, tries to reason everything his way, makes himself look like the victim; basically uses every trick in the manipulative book. Kinda the definition of toxic, unfortunately.

Thankful that I don't have to live with him anymore. That was hell for me. Anyway, does that answer your question, George? Sorry, I know I kinda rambled on a bit there. Hope it was in some way helpful for you.

It more than answers my question. I'm sorry you have to put up with this. He sounds like a really difficult person to be around and have an intimate connection with (him being your dad and having raised you ((I assume)) He doesn't sound like a very happy person. Because you're highly emotionally intelligent, and you're able to observe his behaviour as unrelated to you, which I think is good because you're less susceptible to his manipulations.

[LordFederickRamsay 98]

On 5/26/2023 at 6:37 AM, jailbreaker. said:

I haven't always been Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, though. There was a time when I was little, like 5 to 8 years old, when I was kind of an arrogant little prick, to put it lightly. I framed one of my friends for something stupid I did, and got away with it. I (lightly) slapped a girl with chubby cheeks, because I thought it was funny to see her face jiggle. She didn't fight back or anything, so I thought it was fine. Of course, it wasn't fine, but 5-year-old me didn't know any better. At least until I got the scolding of a lifetime. I would try to correct people's grammar/spelling and play the know-it-all, even if I had no clue what I was talking about. I would also just straight up pathologically lie to people. God, I was a little demon child sometimes. 

I think I started getting better in middle school, when I realized how stupid I was acting. Don't know exactly how, but I think I just mellowed out to try to make more friends, or at least not be enemies with people. Guilt and shame shaped me at that age. Translated into anxiety and depression, and so on.

I still have some residual arrogance and know-it-all-ness, but I can control it most of the time now. I just have to watch out for when I'm in a manic state, since it's easy to become arrogant like that. 

I'm too tired to write more, so I'm going to sleep now. Gooooood night.

I was friends with someone like this when I was younger and he turned out to be the loveliest most intelligent and creative person I know so it doesn't really mean too much. Don't feel too bad I mean.