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Lobares Journal


Lobares2
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Hey,

I started to read more and more again in the last weeks here, I often come back even when I dont have an active journal here. Im one of these guys here who can do anything in the internet to get entertained and to postpone their important tasks, that includes reading journals here. Probably I came here more frequently because i knew I had to start myself once again.

Since I made multiple Journals already, feel free to read them if you are interested, I wont tell the whole story over and over again like I used to :D. To sum it up: I got addicted to League after highschool, basically at the same time when I had my final exams and didnt go to school anymore and studied at home. Today I know why, league is a freaking addictive game but the more important thing was the fact that my tasks were overwhelming from that point on. I needed to get the best possible grades to make it into med school. In med school I literally did 0, and I mean 0 hours of work in the first year. Things got really out of hands. However I started my first detox then from league which helped. I am free from league since 4 years. Although I would love to, I dont plan to play it ever again, gaming in moderation is not possible for people who lost control before. Since 4 years I am trying to get a stable routine for med school. It never really went great, until my last detox. I could stop gaming, stop general internet usage(biggest problem), but still I would not study. In my last detox many things changed and I finally passed many big exams bit failed the very last one to finally being able to actually go back to med school, visiting classes and stuff. This was crucial since I know changing the environment is the biggest deal if yOu want to change your life to something better.
 

Now its again time, the exam is coming up again and I am already late once again. Most of my good habits are gone once again, usually wasting my time doing unproductive useless stuff in the internet. I want to start working out again properly(I am doing it already its one of those habits which remained since like 1 year, but I had a break for like a few weeks), doing a proper diet, and most importantly study properly with promodoros.

I will write in the journal everyday like I used to, since it gives kind a good pressure to do the tasks.

Edited by Lobares2
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8 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

This was crucial since I know changing the environment is the biggest deal if yOu want to change your life to something better.

I used to visit a lot of news, tabloid, meme websites for entertainment, which wound up guiding me back to gaming. Coming to gamequitters often definitely serve as a change of environment too!

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14 hours ago, LostRiver said:

I used to visit a lot of news, tabloid, meme websites for entertainment, which wound up guiding me back to gaming. Coming to gamequitters often definitely serve as a change of environment too!

Yea, I think everyone with experience with addictions would confirm this. Its always like an escalator: Once you do the first step you will automatically go higher ans higher until you are back up their doing what you never wanted to do again. For me its often like that when I try to eat healthy, if I allow myself one tiny thing I know its already over. 

Right now I am feeling overwhelmed once again, which is the reason why I dont study at all. There is this one aubjects which is so hard to study, its not complicated at all, its just so much stuff to memorize and thats overwhleming. But I know the oral exam is actually not really hard, I know it, nearly everyone passes(of courae peer group are med students which most of then are kind a genius and/or hard working students) but this time I KNOW I can do it. I know I dont have to learn perfectly, I just need to start built a goos foundation and I will make it. In the normal exam last year I passed even tho I slacked sooo hard and didnt TOUCH like 30% of the books at all, in other exams which I was so scared for I learnt so much and I was thinking for real: Will I pass it? I got 95% score in that one. I am trying to say that you dont need to study so much to pass exams and I always made the fault to feeling overwhelmed since ‘I need to menorize everything perfectly’. So dumb. I learnt months for exams instead learning 2-4 weeks like all the others. I never gave it a chance and instead of learning everything, I started with 1 chapter and tried to study it perfectly while not touching the other 10 chapters at all. Dude... But well now I know better.

Ahh, I really want to start tomorrow. I will not study like crazy, always when I promise this to myself I fail miserably. What worked for me are 5-6 hours per day. More than enough and an amount I can do. Right now I cant think about a strategy to make sure that I start tomorrow. I failed so often but cant remember what was helping back ago :D. I guess the next step is to block my pc for the whole day(I usually have enough selfdicipline to not unblock it), then it would be easier. Right now I cant do that, thats why I will do it tomorrow for the next day, in case I dont study tomorrow already.

Plan for tomorrow: No PC until I got at least 8 Promodors(4 hours) in. 

 

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Failed miserably. Thats why I am gonna block my PC now, at the evenings it will be unblocked. In general I am sick of wasting so much time again in front of the pc, if I remember correctly last time I made a lot of progress on that part, earlier I couldnt imagine days without youtube, series and stuff but that changed completely Q1/2 and part of Q3, unfortunately I couldnt keep up those achievments after I failed the exam. 

I always thought that will power is the key, discipline is etc. and in some way it is. But after years of trying I simply know that I am not able to do my tasks properly while sitting all day in my room, dopamin rush after dopamin rush. I need that change of environment this is simply the key thing I learnt. Changing environment, meeting new people which boost you. I met new people last year which REALLY helped.

My point is: I failed to keep those good habits alive, why? Because I just doubt that I am even able to do so, I cant live like a monk when this damn pc is here. I guess if I had non of the university shit going on I would be able to manage my life, but the university stuff is so overwhleming that I tend do nothing. I am trying to say: I need to stay strong now, but since discipline is nothing I cant rely on I need safeties like good habits and make bad habits ‚hard‘(like I read somewhere here) eg pc block. My exam is in like 2-3 months, if I succeed the change of environment is safe. And I really think that will be a gamechanger.

 

But to get to there, I need to get me back into studying. I will adjust my pc now, and then I am ready to study properly again. 

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I blocked now nearly everything on my pc, especially youtube, since it was the biggest procrastination source. At the evenings I say myself ‚damn why didnt u study today‘ and at the mornings ‚I am gonna study in an hour‘ already knowing that I wont, what piece of shit you have to be to act like that? hahahah :D. I know many people here like this are here but I REALLY doubt that anyone is really like that, this is what the dopamin addiction made us in this specific point. But I know I will change it.

I checked my old journal, luckily I summed up some good points there so I would not forget about it. 

Gonna start the new routine now

Day 1

- Workout everyday 

- Study everyday (5 Hours)

- Eat healthy and never in front of the pc

- No pc usage in general until I finished the study session 

With these goals It went good last time. They affect each other, not eating unhealthy(=dopamin) leads to less relapse into mindless browsing etc, not eating in front of the pc also takes away a lot of dopamin and let me do actual breaks in between my study session(leaving room etc), both helps me in my workout too and my workout helps me to stick to my diet as well. Thats why this is not overwhelming its more like having a positiv affect.

 

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Unfortunately I am still not studying, not even a tiny bit. I successfully managed to block most of the stuff I regular do at the pc, but it seems like I am just replacing it with other stuff which doesnt give that much dopamin but still enough to keep me away from studying. And now I get in this timeframe where I REALLY have to start otherwise I am risking to throw this exam away once again. Even writing this gives me chills, but I dont know why I am running away from this.

Tomorrow I just want to start - 2 hours of studying. If I dont start I am gonna literally make a backup of my os and delete it afterwards so I have no accsess to the pc anymore. Its necessary to study with but right now Its like learning a bit less productive vs not learning at all. To be honest this feels like a very good thing to me, so if I dont study tomorrow I am gonna do this, which should help then. I am really ready to give that bullshit completely up, I just want to get that exam done. 

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Deleted my OS now. Made a backup etc of course so I dont lose crucial stuff. Of course I could just reinstall windows, but ‘make bad habits harder’, I am confident that I am gonna stay strong with this. Its only meant to be like that for 1-2 weeks since I need to do other stuff at my pc. But this time is important to go cold turkey and afterwards I dont use the pc for anything except work. 

Learnt for 1 hour today, right after deleting my os. Felt good. Much work, I cant waste more time now. I know after the pc is gone there will be many new things which will get my attention now, thats why I really have to focus on getting things actually done andnot just not going to my pc.

So tomorrow I am gonna try once again to study 5 hours and also to restart my training. Other than that I will have so much freetime, since in the last 1-2 months my screen time was 10hours+ everyday. Earlier it was less since I had no pressure with the exam, But the near I get to it, the more stressed I get and so I cope with quick dopamin.

 

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Learnt 3 hours, no training.

No urges to install Windows again. Good day overall, hopefully tomorrow I hit the 5 hours. I might use my Laptop tomorrow to use Anki. But then with an absolute 0 tolerance policy towards any non university stuff, if I cant handle that I wont touch it again. Had really much time assuming that I didnt waste 10 hours again at the pc. Actually something I never ever want to do again. Without the pc its just so much better.

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I could have foreseen it, after my PC is out of function I use the phone a lot more. Thats why I activated today a block for websurfing on certain timeframes of the day(where I will study). I hope this will help. If it doesnt I have to try other things, because I dont have any time to try to ‘stay strong the next day’, this bs leads to nothing. I need a good structure which allows myself to keep up a routine first

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I failed almost all of my studies due to things like gaming, browsing internet, watching porn etc. Usually I made a good start with excellent grades but as time went on I got less motivated and more fixated on menial tasks.  And during those times I didn't want to acknowledge that I had a problem and I always made the excuse that "lacking motivation was part of studying". At the same time I could clearly see some of my fellow students not having much problem at all and their focus was razor sharp. But of course I looked the other way and denied myself the opportunity to get on their track.

It's nice to see that you at least have started this journey of betterment while studying. Stay strong - you can do it!

 

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