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My Journal - Doug S - Heroic Growth


Irishrican950
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Day 22 + 23 + 24

Hey guys, 

Took Christmas Eve and Christmas off from journaling over the weekend.  Happy to report that with all that time off - I spent zero time gaming.  Internet scrolling remains an issue but I am glad to say that the cravings to game are way down.  Headed into this week with a little fire under me to have a strong week as the new year approaches.  Slow morning start (... I blame all the sweets I ate over the weekend) but looking forward to getting after it today.  

Regards, 

D

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Day 25!

So last night after laying down in my bed for too long awake and starting to scroll on the internet - I installed a blocker to basically block all news and useless website that draw my attention out for minutes/hours on end.  Woke up this morning around 9ish and was just stuck in some deep wonderful dreams lol... I wish there was a blocker for that.  The dream world is such an enjoyable escape for me... There's times I wake up and can't tell what's real vs what I am dreaming about.  

That said - been more focused these days on keep my schedule and staying on task.  Today is a new day!  

Onward! 

-D 

 

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Day 26, 

My dreams continue to become more and more intense in their ability to keep me at bay from getting going at a reasonable hour.  I recall my dreams this morning being quite exhilarating... an adventure of sorts with my friends and one that had me traveling quite a bit... two things I currently am not experience much of in the present moment... no travel, not the same levels of stimulation and not a lot of friends or companions in my day to day.  I woke up so heavy and my default is to go back to sleep and be in that world vs wake up and get going in this one - not sure if anyone has ever experienced that.  This always seems to happen to me when I withdraw form the stimulation of games/a more adventurous life.  

My hope is that the intensity of these dreams will subside over time.  It took me until 10:30am to get up this morning.  

That said, the desire to game and escape in that way is not really all that strong... but the dreams are... any advice or guidance here would be appreciated fam!  

Big love, 

D

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Day 27... 

Same issues as yesterday... as I have managed to remove the distractions of gaming and installed some blockers that prevent me from scrolling too much on my phone... my dreams are really acting as a means of escape... woke up again super late and was being pulled heavily into the dream space.  Trying to get some momentum going this afternoon to make up for the lack of productivity this morning.  I hope the dreams can calm down over time... perhaps it's just a purge in stimulation that my body is cleansing itself of needing... not sure.  

-D

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Day 28, 

Every day this week now...another set of intoxication in my dreams... dreams so enjoyable based on whatever I was engaging in the previous night... these dreams were football related as I was watching Thursday night football last night... I was dreaming of being a player and practicing/enjoy the lifestyle of it all.  These feel good dreams seems so real and when my alarm goes off I am not even aware it's an alarm... it's more like some sort of noise that is going off on accident or something because I just wake up and shut it off and go back to the dreams with out ever thinking it's an alarm... like my thought is it's some mistake or block form holding me back from that world so I just shut it off without even having the notion that it's an alarm waking me up... crazy. 

Didn't end up leaving my bed until 11am.  I went to bed at 11pm but I wasn't able to fall asleep until like 12:30-1am.  I think I am going to get back on sleep meds... I just can't live like this.  I hope this subsides over time... 

-D 

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Yeah the dreaming problem might be worth getting looked it… I can’t relate to that problem specifically but it can be hard to me to get out of bed sometimes, and I know how it can throw off your whole day. Hopefully you can get the problem resolved sooner rather than later

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Day 29...

New Years Eve tonight fam... I've got a really dope Techno DJ set at my friend's in Providence tonight.  Should be awesome!  Haven't seen these guys in a hot take... the OG crew I used to go to electric forest with.  Can't help but feel nostalgic and at the same time introspective heading into the new year... one year ago my cousin passed today.  I've had an incredible run of DJ sets since he's passed... and at the same time.. addiction has left me in ruins financially and I'm waking up to a world where I want to try and settle down and enjoy life's more subtle mundane pleasures despite my orientation towards always trying to do EPIC shit... 

I'm excited to send 2022 into a new year of leveling up into my manhood in 2023... NO GAMES ALL YEAR.  That's the commitment... I'm done with it.  And my addiction for scrolling/social media is coming next.  

Oh and to get myself back in my body - I'm getting back on the horse like everyone else and hitting the gym.  The time is now.  

Wishing you all a safe and fruitful New Years eve team.  

Let's get it next year. 

-D 

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Day 30 + 31 

Alright!  So on New Years day I played a video game... but it was different.  I played Mario Party with a bunch of beautiful women after winding down from my DJ set.  Honestly... felt zero guilt about it.  And it felt good to play Mario Party for the first time and kick these girls butts and talk shit all the way thru lol.  I think socially gaming for me is actually quite healthy so I'll make that rule adjustment... should I find myself in a room with cool people and decide to socially game - that's totally cool.  

For me the addiction is the escapism to game by myself and play a lot more complex RPG style games that give me so much stimulation and freedom to totally escape this world.  

Feeling the affects still of a late night of DJing still from the weekend but overall excited to get after my goals this year and stay on track with this.  

Hope you all are feeling re-energized going into the new year! 

Big love, 

-D 

 

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Day 32, 

Got a massive headache that's been lingering since New Years eve celebrations.  Going to keep this short but ya feeling off and triggered a little too by witnessing the collapse of Damar Hamlin last night during MNF.  Trying to get the day going but it's been a challenge.  May just be an off day for me.  The addiction to escape into a game isn't present tho so again that's a win! 

Prayers up, 

-D 

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On 12/13/2022 at 7:05 PM, Irishrican950 said:

What I hate about scheduling too is it really shows me how I self sabotage and rebel against my own commitments as I constantly reshuffle things.   

This is definitely a challenging feeling, but no matter how many times you don't follow through, as tempting as it may be to give up, remember, the only one who fails is not the one who falls, but the one who doesn't stand up. Keep trying, don't give a sh*t if you fail 1 time, 3 times or a 1000 times. I'm speaking also to myself here.

A you said dude, back on the horse, u da best.

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12 hours ago, Yan said:

A you said dude, back on the horse, u da best.

Thanks Yan!  Appreciate you homie.  

Day 33, 

Slow start to the day but I'm up and at it.  Overall feeling better today from all the headaches yesterday.  Notice I am becoming more impulsive with internet scrolling... especially while being out of it yesterday with headaches and just feeling off.  Really want to curb that.  That's going to be the next thing I quit for awhile.  

Not sure how to approach it.  I think a combo of leaving my phone in another room and perhaps setting up pop up blockers is going to be the method.  Thoughts? 

Regards, 

-D 

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Leaving your phone in another room is helpful… and you can decide to check for any important notifications every now and then, like every hour or so.

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Day 34,

Another day without gaming and I find myself still avoiding what I need to do at times by burying myself in my phone with news/social media.  I want to quit that next.  I think 90 days off games is a great start but there's more work to do.  I just need to commit to something along those lines to eliminate the scrolling and phone usage and really focus more on staying on task and knocking out the key things I want to do each day.  I still notice I resist the most when it comes to doing important tasks at times.  

Back at it!

-D 

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2 hours ago, Irishrican950 said:

Day 34,

Another day without gaming and I find myself still avoiding what I need to do at times by burying myself in my phone with news/social media.  I want to quit that next.  I think 90 days off games is a great start but there's more work to do.  I just need to commit to something along those lines to eliminate the scrolling and phone usage and really focus more on staying on task and knocking out the key things I want to do each day.  I still notice I resist the most when it comes to doing important tasks at times.  

Back at it!

-D 

Yea thats a common thing, the addiction transfers to other parts of the life sometimes, but really often the main problem is the avoidance of doing the important tasks in our lifes. Yea, Games are keeping us from that, but only to quit them doesnt mean you will move on to the important tasks. Thats why the defintion of a succesful detox should always be: am I doing what Im supposed to do or not? And not only whether you are gaming or not. That doesn’t mean that you can game again if you do your tasks. Since gaming will lead to not doing them again

 

 

stay strong mate

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4 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

Yea thats a common thing, the addiction transfers to other parts of the life sometimes, but really often the main problem is the avoidance of doing the important tasks in our lifes. Yea, Games are keeping us from that, but only to quit them doesnt mean you will move on to the important tasks. Thats why the defintion of a succesful detox should always be: am I doing what Im supposed to do or not? And not only whether you are gaming or not. That doesn’t mean that you can game again if you do your tasks. Since gaming will lead to not doing them again

 

 

stay strong mate

Say that to Paul A. He just gamed for two days, and starts justifying it.

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Day 35 + 36, 

It's been a challenging couple days.  But overall I am not gaming and I am making progress to install ways to not distract myself as much on the internet.  Today I am feeling this heaviness of what has been a really important conversation that happened yesterday.My brother - who I only recently have been talking to more regularly... shared with me that after a series of questions, there’s a part of me that has been dormant for a long time and it’s the part of me that shows up as a leader, almost ruthlessly, and makes things happen, no matter what... I’ve let that part of me be questioned so much and I’ve played so small in the last 10 years... I’ve gone completely the other way where I've followed everybody else doing the thing that I wanted to do instead of actually do it myself and it’s landed me in a really low place and it’s time to decide to just do what I need to do again no matter what and regardless of who is with or not with me... it's like an RPG game syndrome I guess... I want to recruit the perfectly trained squad before hitting the battle.  I was always that kind of player... over leveling to show up to the fight OP so it was easier.  Life isn't really well designed for that.  

Time to to get after it at level 1 again. 

-D 

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12 hours ago, Irishrican950 said:

Day 35 + 36, 

Time to to get after it at level 1 again. 

-D 

When it's hard, it probably means you're going uphill, charge! 😉

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Day 37, 

Charge!  Yes Yan!  That's it man.  

Have a solid day planned today.  Off to a good start.  Got a long walk in with the dog.  Wishing you all a happy game-free Sunday. 

Regards, 

D

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Day 38 baby we out here, 

Yo I forgot to mention - I saw Avatar: Way of Water over the weekend... man... that was so good.  Gave me that much needed fatherly perspective of how to be a man in this wild world we live in.  Blessed to be here game free another day.  Dog has been walked.  Breakfast served and I am on my way to a productive day!  

Sending all you guys reading this so much love.  

Regards, 

D

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Day 39, 

The internet scrolling at breaks and night still kills me but beyond that yesterday was a success.  Feeling tired today from how much I accomplished yesterday.  Big focus is keeping the phone away from me as I follow my calendar.  

Onward and upward, 

-D 

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Day 40, 

Slow start to the day but it's game free.  Noticing how my energy can lead to wanting to instead read the news and tune into social media.  Finding ways to combat that still... like putting the phone down in another room and staying on schedule... it's a process.  My hope is over time it gets easier!  

Big love, 

D

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11 hours ago, Irishrican950 said:

Day 40, 

Slow start to the day but it's game free.  Noticing how my energy can lead to wanting to instead read the news and tune into social media.  Finding ways to combat that still... like putting the phone down in another room and staying on schedule... it's a process.  My hope is over time it gets easier!  

Big love, 

D

An interesting format you've got there! Just a couple of lines every day. Easing up on the reader, and keeps you to the essentials I guess.
Stay positive as you do! Glad to see you reflecting, keep at it!

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12 hours ago, Yan said:

An interesting format you've got there! Just a couple of lines every day. Easing up on the reader, and keeps you to the essentials I guess.
Stay positive as you do! Glad to see you reflecting, keep at it!

Thanks Yan - I've been keeping a planner with me that has journal prompts so I think that's what's been keeping these entrees shorter as of late.  Consistency is key.  That's all the counts right now.  

 

Day 41, 

Had a job interview today and my recruiter had me over prepare so I hyperfocused until 1 am last night and got my resume and portfolio totally dialed in for it.  Got up a little past my alarm to snow on the ground which isn't fun... Interview turned out to be way easier than I expected.  I feel drained and tired from the whole experience but glad it went well.   Transitioning back to my current job at the moment.  
 

Noticing just how much I gravitate towards the adventurism and conflicts of others - RPGs gave me that outlet.  Now I am paying attention to the news, politics, football and Ukraine more.. and I don't want to!  I have very little control of any of it... I think I just like the drama and it gives me a place to escape to.  This is very much the next area of my life I want to curb.  Any ideas are welcome.  Perhaps the next 30/90 days is to quit that... but I think it will be a harder one to do as the news is much easier to access on my phone/computer.  

Regards, 

Doug 

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Day 42 + 43 + 44 + 45 

Hey, 

Been out for a few days away from my computer last weekend at a friend's.  It was nice.  I was catching up with him... haven't hung out in years.  He has a bunch of dope DJ gear and I was playing all weekend with the toys - sharpening my skills on better gear that what I own.  It was fun.  I should figure out how to log into here with my phone so I don't get in the habit of missing days... 

Yesterday (Monday) and today I've been mostly working.  I make my own hours so I am still slow to get going and go late but I've stayed off games all and all.   Got a few job interviews this week.  I'm excited to get working again at a full time role and start earning more money.  It's been a really hard but good challenge making my own hours... I'm ready for some more structure.  

Been working out every other day or so - trying to make that a new habit.  Overall I am happy with how I am progressing... half way to 90 days.  Celebrating that with a drink and calling it a night.  

Sending you all lots of love, 

-D 

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Day 46, 

Got up earlier than I normally have been today so jumping on here to celebrate that.  Glad to be off to a good start... hope to make it a great day! 

Regards, 

D

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