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Oak lee

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  1. Oak lee

    Day 231

    Endless agony, I don't want to run from It but I cant fight it and the final form of escape is not an option . I'll be free one day. Last journal entry I was feeling the worst I have in a long time. Truth is this is the hardest part of my life, it's not that I want my life to end, it's just that i want this part to be over. Suicide would be tempting had I not danced with it before. I just want to feel good again I dont want it to be because of a pill or game or cup of coffee. The only things that make me feel satisfied these days. I'm tired of pity I'm tired of the agony and apathy I'm tired of being tired and I want it all go away.
  2. So I bought a ps4 and now a vr head set it was nice to have a little escape...I guess but it only made me feel a little more hollow and reminded me of why I started this. Playing rdr2 seeing the landscape and the characters in detail I had never before seen made me feel horrible almost to the point of tears. Sitting at a table with the closest thing I have had to a night with friends in over a year made me realize just how much I deeply desired human interaction even if I didn't want to admit it. Looking at the landscape offered no less misery. Its taking me over 6 months to complete mechanical work that should only take 3 weeks. I bought the ps4 to escape and fill my need for adventure and time in the wilderness. I got the gear s8 vr headset to replicate intimacy. To just look into someone's eyes. I have about 1200 between my savings, the value of my tv and ps4 and incoming pay from my job. I'm miserable lonely and have lost my drive. I just want to leave and finish the car, I wouldnt have to go through virtual forest if I could run on a trail. I wouldn't have to rely on discord friends and literal NPC's if I could go out and make real ones. The only reason I haven't left this job to finish that car is because of the opinion of others, they're worried I'll fall apart If I leave what they don't know is that I'm already falling apart. I'm eating horribly I've spent over 500 on junk food these past few months, I'm diving deep into video games and pornography to replicate friendships, intimacy and "adventure". I've gained probably 20 pounds and my skin literally turned green last week around my mouth. I know how things could fall apart, I know how they could go wrong. But others do not know how badly I have already become and will continue to degrade if I stay like this.
  3. Oak lee

    Escape to reality day 205

    This journey of "escaping to reality" never was solely about quitting gaming (though that is a step in the process and the first step I took back in march by selling my pc), but reaching the means of separating myself from the environment that lead me to them, and recovering from the effects they have had on me. I am closer than I've ever been and making progress every day but im still so miserable and will be for the next few months, this is but a growing pain in the pursuit of happiness and freedom. I've made some rash posts on here, I didn't leave my job and boy am I glad I stayed, I'll be here for the foreseeable future. I'm in a 3 front war with myself, between my job, depression and the car that will change my fucking life once I'm driving. I have 95% of the parts 100% of the funds and plenty of time I'm just struggling to push through and scrape up the will power to keep on. Illogical I know, but depression doesn't have to be. I've recently found the motivation to push through harder and harder but considering that this is the very thing I believe to be the key to ending my depression you'd think my willpower and outlook would be bursting at the seams. But hey what can you do? Other than drag on. Ps. I came back here to "re center" myself after I was rationalizing buying a ps4. I'm happy I came back here instead. Thank you guys..... and cam
  4. I'm gonna quit my fulltime job for a part time so that I can "find myself". I'm working 6 days a week and I've achieved with this job what I wanted. I have the money for my car and some extra. Working so much was a huge shock to me and I've endured this but i want to focus on myself now in ways other than money. I want to focus on my education, health and social life.
  5. I was neet from October 2017 to july 2nd 2018 after losing my mom and now have a over time job. I've become somewhat adjusted to working full time but I just cant seem to do anything for hours after hitting the door because I'm so damn tired I've tried energy drinks coffee a double dose of my depression "uppers" (NOT SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS PURPOSE) but nothing works. I'm just to damn tired any advice or tips? I mean I guess I can't expect to be hyped after standing for 8hrs in the southern summer heat but still I cant just do absolutely nothing after work. The last few days my room has been a mess and I cant even bring myself to take a shower before bed. I know will power is probably what I am most lacking but do you guys have any advice?
  6. Oak lee

    Escape to reality day 148

    So I've leveled out a little I guess looking to the future has inspired me and all the good feels I had so long ago about the prospects of gaining mental and physical freedom have come back. I've always had a sense of adventure and exploration whether that be into knowledge, history, the world around me or even my own psyche. I've always wanted to know what his behind the next door but for so long ove had to satisfy this need with video games. Listening to the soundtracks of my childhood of skyrim and imagining what lies beyond this moment in this world excites me. Who I'll meet where I'll go and what I'll do. There is hope. Ive worked for the past few years to get to where I am now, so close to my goal of physical freedom. These next few weeks to months will be the last time I spend months at a time going nowhere but work or home. I'm coming to point where I can finally repair myself of the Damage these last 5 years have had on me. I remember the last time I stood ontop of the mountains I see in the distance every damn day I remember climbing to the top and the freedom it gave me the amazement of the view and thin air are all burned into my memories. Infact it is this memory alone that I consider the pivotal point in which my gradual downward spiral started. The beginning of all of this, of everything that put me where I am today, so damaged and bruised and here I march toward the precipice of the end to my misery. This period of my life has been a fucking rollercoaster but I'm glad I'm on my way off.
  7. Oak lee

    Escape to reality day 145

    So I've been working my full time job for just over a month now, I have 600 saved for my car and already have 250 in supplies ive bought. I'm doing great in that aspect but I would be lying if I said everything was fine. All of my vices have multiplied 5 fold. I'm back to playing hours of games, eating food for comfort and indulging in pornography. And that's after getting twice the dose of my psych meds. Working full time and sometimes overtime has been a shock to my system after being neet for 8 months. I tried fighting my urges but I've just said fuck it so I can at least not hate myself every day. I need better coping mechanisms, I predicted all of this would happen before I knew the stress would get to me. When I have the car running I'll change but right now I'm just going to let this happen. Defeatist I know but as long as that number in my bank keeps rising I'll be able to carry on. Not all is lost, but much was traded away.
  8. Oak lee

    Escape to reality day 110

    I stopped the detox at around day 56 I'm not gonna say It failed because that amount of time away from games and the selling of my PC did the job and I only play occasionally now. I have formed a healthy relationship with games but that doesn't mean all my problems went away. Why? Well it's not because I didn't fallow the 90 day detox to a T its because 6 years of damage from abuse of alchoholis parents, and escapism to cope is not solved in 3 months but it doesn't hurt I FINALLY passed my driving test and I now have a full time job I've gotten into archery journal keeping and modern western European paganism. I'm also coming up on one year of my mothers passing. I may no longer suffer from a gaming addiction but I'm still paying the price for 6 years of it. The deformed body I find myself in is a daily reminder of that. The pictures on the fireplace mantle are a reminder that I wasn't always this way, and i remind myself I wont always be like this. I still find myself picking up fallout from time to time on the old ps3 or thinking back on the internet communities I was a part of so many years ago like the bronies or that one gmod sandbox server I was in for 4 years. I made many friends and it was fun, I'll be honest and say if I had my computer I might indulge in that nostalgia and try to find another community. I know that, and that's why I sold that damn thing You dont have to be perfect to make progress your life doesn't have to change overnight, you just gotta keep trying and failing. Every time you fail you get right back up even faster until one day you'll be moving so quick you wont have time to focus on what you did wrong only that you have to get back up. I've been having rushes of determination more and more frequently long ago they only came about every 6 months now they come every few weeks. And every time I'm setting in small achievements that push me forward long after the work was done, only pushing me further. Go out and fail because even that better than sitting alone in a room in the dark with cheese dust on you for 6 hours straight at 4am. I failed the 90 day detox but I'm better because of it, because I tried and actively gained something from it. Please ignore the grammar mistakes wrote this on my phone an hour after my bedtime.
  9. today i got my car im going to repeat that cause even i have a hard time believing it I.......Got.......MY..CAR!!!! me and my father dragged her 200 miles and spent 13 hours working on driving loading, renting a trailer, and securing the car down i sat in it tonight as she sat in my drive way, at first it felt wrong, for so long i had ridden passenger with my mother, and very few times i had been behind the wheel but this time it was different. i was the owner and not a single time more was i going to sit passenger in this car, i sat back looking at my flexed hand gripping the steering wheel and leaned back looking around the outside of the car. im tired but i set my alarm im going to ride this shit as long as i can i figure i can get my license in...hell.....2 weeks? things are not just moving but are moving fast, i need to get a job. i need to get a job i need to get a job. i keep saying that to myself. i should be able to drive on my own by the end of next month. my freedom is closer than ever
  10. Oak lee

    Escape to reality day 33

    I need to sit in the woods and mediate for a while.
  11. Oak lee

    "Escape to reality"

    So I'm on day 14 thing have gone by so fast Well I went 250 miles with my to get my car but we'll shit happened and the trailer we rented wasnt going to work. my mom passed back in July I stillI've been trying to do 2 things for 8 months but didn't have the resources to finish the job, since her house is so far away. I moved my mom's possessions to a safe place so they won't be discarded once the house changes owners and took her cats back to Atlanta and gave them to my sister. Back in july, I spent 2 weeks after her funeral packing cleaning and sorting her stuff but I was only able to move half of it to my uncle's shed for long term storage. It's hard walking into an empty home and down a hallway where you said your goodbyes for the last time. I went into her room for the first time since the funeral I never thought I'd walk back in their her bed is still how she left it and her closet was cleaner than I remember leaving it. I went into her bath room and saw the cat bowls I had left so long ago, and in the sink I saw where a bird had made it's nest in the sink from the open window near it. She would have loved seeing that. Seeing something so beautiful in a half way abandoned house the stark contrast really puts things into perspective. Life always finds a way During my trip to the house I decided i get what tools of my grandpa's I could from the garage before leaving not knowing when I'd be back. I got more than I could ever ask for. I rummaged through workshop he had set up and then filled with junk so many years ago. Remnants of order and organization buried under the countless triftshop and yard sale trips he had spent filling the place. I got out with a craftsman 3 stack tool box I had to undoubtedly unearth like some ancient relic. A milwalki corded drill (milwalki is really good btw). About a dozen different house clamp pliers and floor jack and jack stands and filled the rest of tool box with all kind of miscellaneous stuff. That was 4 days ago The last 2 days I have spent cleaning, dissembling organizing and fixing all of stuff I got. The day after I got home i realized that within my grandfathers infinite wisdom he had left a bottle of motor fluid on its side and somewhere between now and the gulf war it had spilled over everything, I mean litteraly.....fucking......everything. So I spent these last 2 days taking care of this with wonderful results. Also I haven't been able to stop listening to the fallout 4 sound track. And the car she left me a volvo 240 or a Swedish brick as some call it is in better shape than I had previously thought. Here are some pics!
  12. Oak lee

    "Escape to reality"

    The more I separate from video games the more i realize how much they are, or were a part of me. I daydream of the wastes in fallout thinking of when and how I'll return and how beautiful the game is forgetting that the money Id spend to build another gaming pc like the one I just sold to buy car parts, could be used to go TO REAL BOSTON. I keep listening to the sound track looking at screen shots in sure it will ware off I'm only on my 8th or 9th day anyway. Also I think there's something deep and meaningful why fallout a open world rpg of all games would be so fresh in my mind after quitting I'll elaborate on it tomorrow. Other wise I finnaly got over the anxiety of applying to jobs and applied to jobs today! I don't think that would have happened had I kept my gaming pc, i would most likely be spending hours on end to mod and play through fallout 4.
  13. so im trying to get a job at either a tire shop or breaks and oil change kind of place. nothing like a full on auto shop ,but i would like to graduate to a better place within the year. does anyone here have experience with places like this? is there anything i should know?
  14. thank you guys for the kind words, and keeping a journal looks like a good idea thanks for the suggestion.