Pochatok

Congrats on already being 111 days in! I'm excited to be following you on your journey, thank you so much for sharing it here 🙂

Yes! That's the path I'm currently pursuing, after coming at a point in life where games are just not interesting to me. Though, some games are still addictive, and therefore frustrating- I plan to simply never play or be involved in the development of such games. I only want to develop games that discourage addiction and encourage connection w/ other people and the real world. I'm happy you have such a possibility lined up for you, good luck on making this decision and exploring its consequences!

Excited to meet a fellow animator here! Good luck on your journey, I am glad you're doing so much tracking of you work.

Congrats!!!

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that 😞 I'm glad you did get the piercings tho, I hope you'll find creating your own earring collection exciting hehe I believe (in) you! When I first started quitting Internet (I used UnDistracted for desktop and "Stay Focused" for phone), I was struggling tremendously and my self-esteem went to record lows. And also, I believed that this was the best I could do for myself then- I'm glad you think so too. I wish you courage and strength on this journey!

What helped me with this was listening to relationship and self-guiding podcasts. Very slowly, they've really changed how I view myself and my relationships to others- "Just Break Up" and "XO Higher Self" were especially validating and affirming. But before that, I've read "Courage to Be Disliked", which fundamentally changed how I viewed my relationship to myself and others. Not sure if you'll like any of these things, but I hope you will find enough curiosity to check them out! They changed my life in many ways.

Hi! Hope you had a weekend filled with some relaxation and reflection. Thank you for coming to my journal page ❤️ 1. Significant Obstacles Kind of is happening now! I stopped worrying about applying all my charisma skills to each conversation. That helps with feeling fully present and loving, acceptful of the people I'm talking to, which is nice. Only having 1-2 hangouts feels much less limiting if I take into account all the other times I interact with folks throughout the week- during lunch breaks, at events, etc. . Simply knowing how important it is. I know that I want to achieve as much as possible, and being sleep deprived fundamentally undercuts that goal. It's still difficult, but I am noticing a lot of progress. I don't think that my anxieties here are irrelevant. Certain relationships do not meet my needs/wants, and therefore I am feeling unsatiated. But, no single relationship fills all of my needs, and remembering that helps them feel whole and complete. Also, jealousy is real and normal, and me experiencing all kinds of thoughts is not an indicator of who I am, but simply of how I am conditioned to function. Yes! Actually,this weekend I felt that I was far too relaxed after a week of rigorous efforts. What really is "taking care of my wellbeing" isn't going shopping or eating nice foods, but being wholly present in the moment and treating myself with love and kindness right there. And getting enough rest, literal rest- sleep, exercise, meditation. I know I can upkeep a schedule like this at no cost to my health; the issue is do I want to? -- This week's obstacles are motivation, honesty, and habits. Motivation: Though I have had enough drive to make it through 15-hr work sessions from Saturday of last week until Friday of this, this weekend I've lost the drive. It seems that simply "doing the thing" is not enough of a motivator. Sure, I will get into the task and will work on it for __ hours, but the efficiency remains low without a stronger underlying sense of value and commitment to the thing itself. Question for next week: What have I attempted to make my motivation more consistent? How has it worked out? Honesty: When it comes to a few of my relationships, or actually most of them, I find myself not communicating certain things. Sure, I don't say some because they're simply odd, but also I am not allowing myself to be more vulnerable. I am afraid of rejection of any sort- it's so much easier to simply try to have a good time rather than take a risk to expand and deepen this relationship, right? Q for next W: How have I challenged myself to be more open and vulnerable within my relationships? Habits: Every time I am experiencing any stress, be it from difficulty focusing to sleep deprivation, I notice unwanted behaviors coming back. Desire to venture into social media and other depths of internet grows, I scratch my body more often, and eat when I am not hungry. This creates a loop of stress: I get more anxious noticing these habits and attempting to control them, which in turn encourages me to resolve to these behaviours even more. Q for next W: What exercises have I attempted to break the cycle of stress accumulation? 1a. Obstacles -> Opportunities Motivation: I am glad I've raised my ceiling of performance by this much. A week ago, I would have supressed the guilt experienced while doing unnecessary activities. Now, I acknowledge and agree with that- I don't need these activities in my life. What I want is to always try my best, and be loving and caring to myself. Honesty: It makes me smile to know that I have the courage to admit that my relationships are not as fullfilling as I would like them to be. I am excited to venture into the unknown and be true to myself even more. Habits: I am glad to be attempting to address this problem more structurally. After all, it is my passionate and consistent work that is bringing all this stress. I would rather be stressed out in this way than live in comfort of escapist safety. I am making new bridges, bringing more of myself in conversation; this can be anything but comfortable. 2. A Critical Mistake Futurized! This week, I have resolved again into a behaviour I've agreed to never dive into. Though at the bottom of my heart I knew this wasn't what I wanted, I struggled to listen to myself. Even after managing to pause and reflect, I still made a "compromise" with that desire, which didn't feel all that great either. At times like this, my future self, who is always listening to themselves deeply, would take the time to reflect on this fully, and examine this desire as an influence of the past on present, and put it in conversation with the needs of the future. 3. Life Reflection Direct Impact Did not do much here, frustratingly. Only made an excuse to not volunteer "because I already do" (which is true, but that's not the point!!!), and didn't find another place to support financially. Next weekend, I will sign up to volunteer off-campus for 3 hours OR I will volunteer with my student organization 🙂 Time Sculpting Artist Lots of reassessments and reflections in this area: I am continuing to work as a composer, but shifted away significantly from doing any visual work. Right now, all the focus is on publishing my research and becoming the best musician I can be. After this term's performance is concluded, and my research- completed, I will come back to doing animation daily, since my Spring project is all about that. Reading Miyazaki's thoughts on value of Higher Education was reaffirming- what I'm doing now is becoming an amazing, unique storyteller. Yes, I want to create, but I will have so much more time for that once I graduate. Now is the time to learn. Relation to Others More obstacles between me and my partner! We've been addressing well all of the smaller things, like spending more time together and arguing with more kindness. But, what to me is the core issues affecting the long-term sustainability of our relationship... remains undealt with. My partner is simply not willing to put in the work in the present moment, and though I understand the difficulty of the process, I get more anxious as we are nearing graduation- will my partner be able to move with me without addressing this issue in time? The best I can do is to continue believing in them and supporting them, and not let these anxieties lead my conversations. I am coming from a place of love, trust, and only then concern. Communal Artistry If counting all of the recitals and gallery shows I've attended, I'm feeling pretty happy! I've also expanded my presence to another online community, though I haven't been much active there. I'm going to participate in an artistic challenge too- next week. My collaboration with another artist is in the process of brewing right now. 4. Commiting to a Habit Next week, I want to make daily meditation (5 minutes) a habit. Specifically, I will complete the meditation either a) before practicing music or b) before a meal. By end of next week, I will incorporate meditation more precisely into my schedule. 5. Questions for Future Self 3 Months How did the gallery opening go? Six Months What do you enjoy most about your new living space (if you have not moved in, what are you most excited about?) Twelve Months I dare you to come up with a date plan for Valentine's. Do something nice! 3 Years What do you think about working in Video Games as a composer now? What has changed about this vision? 5 Years How has my inner climate anxiety (disconnected from world events) changed? Do you feel more at peace, more inclined for action? 10 Years Where do you hope to move to in the next 2 years, or why would you prefer to stay? Alright, this was a blast! So refreshing to complete this. Hope you find something helpful for yourself here 🙂 Po

Hi! Hope you'll get some rest this weekend 🙂 Let's dive into my life journey! Thank you for coming along ❤️ 1. Significant Obstacles Set up a "limit" of 2-3 hangouts per week. Feel slightly lonelier, but it has been allowing me to actually get work done, yay. I can spend more time with people by being more confident and outgoing at all of the events I attend (performances, work meetings, etc.). What will happen if I start to see all public spaces/events as opportunities for genuine connection? The issue of ambition: I simply can do my best to be as motivated as possible to do the tasks quickly and efficiently, and prioritize my time well. Those two factors seem to be most important: want to get things done quick- set goals; want to get the right things done- know what matters most. No, it is about prioritizing my time. There is never enough time for everything in my schedule. Right now, I want to keep all the things I have, but not all of them I can tend to as much as I want. Balancing the # of time I dedicate to each passion and really, really sticking to it helps. If I follow the schedule as closely as I can, I will make the progress I want. -- This week's obstacles are sleep, relationships, and planning. Sleep: I've been getting only 7-8 instead of the 8.5hrs/night the whole week. It's been causing me to return to some unwanted stress coping mechanisms like picking my face, browsing social media, and a few others. Question for next week: what habits/systems have turned out to be most effective for encouraging going to bed early? Relationships: My romantic relationship continues to be pretty draining, but I think that some of that drainage comes from my perception of things, not from what actually is going on. With other relationships, I am experiencing a lot of difficult feelings and thinkings: "why do they do __ with __ but not with me", or "I want to do __ with __, but also am too afraid/unconfident to take this risk", or "if __ is my friend, why are they not spending more time with me", or "why do I not have more people to share __ with". Eugh, felt good to get this out. Question for next weel: how can I feel more "enough" about my relationships? How can I confront my fears and uncertainties and do the things that feel right? Planning: Every day, being so tightly planned out, starts to fall apart immediately when I no longer know what I am doing/when. It is pretty frustrating, as I need to stick to the schedule extremely closely. Is this necessary for becoming my future self? At the end of day, I feel fullfilled knowing how much I've done, but also feel sad about all the things I don't get done. Will I have time for them tomorrow? Maybe... Question for next week: Am I being considerate of my own wellbeing by having such rigorous and demanding schedule? 1a. Obstacles -> Opportunities Sleep: I'm grateful to having experienced all of the things that I sacrificed bed time for. They help me learn myself more, and be more compassionate towards who I am, who I was, and who I will be. Relationships: I've been learning to listen to myself whilst in discomfort, learning to understand what my needs and wants are, and find new perspectives on my own actions in social situations. I am so grateful for having the strength to keep challenging myself in uncomfortable ways. Planning: I am grateful for the confidence I have in myself to meet such high demands. I understand that a lot is slipping through, and that this is an unsustainable system, and also I appreciate all of the things it has allowed me to learn and do this week. 2. Critical Mistakes Objectified Futurized! I honestly just don't think about my mistakes that much still- perhaps this is the mistake of the week! I move on from moments of high stress pretty quickly, and perhaps because of that they don't sit in my mind. This is beneficial in terms of stress management, but can I trust myself to not repeat the same mistake twice? I want to keep a small list of "difficult moments", and add to it every day. I believe that I wanted to create this section to feel less guilty about my mistakes, but that work is best done in the moment. Instead, this will be an area of thinking of my mistakes from the perspective of my future self: how would they approach the situation differently? 3. Life Reflection Direct Impact Done with Blood Drive! Was certainly an experience that I will do again, however discomfortable I am with needles. Next up, I want to find a 3rd place I could donate $5/mo to (or increase my donation amount to something), and sign up for another 1-2hr volunteer opportunity within the local area. Time Sculpting Artist Finished an animation, working on a composition, and organizing another animation. I want to get more ambitious here, but carefully, since I don't have all that much time/week for this at the moment. I want to contribute 30mins/daily to animation in whatever capacity, and learn 30mins/day on an adjacent topic as well. Dreaming big requires some consistent doing 🙂 Relation to Others Relationship with my partner continues to be an area of uncertainty- we simply are not making enough time for each other 😕 And that means a lot of important conversations are pushed away. I'm frustrated, and will sit down with my partner tomorrow night to try working through the lack of time prioritization. Difficult feelings in other relationships continue to appear- and I am happy that's the case! I have so much to become comfortable with, so much to begin enjoying ❤️ Communal Artistry I have reached out to someone for a collab, and now I want to follow-up (just did, yay)! And, I want to start posting my work in more communities (just did!). Making both of these more of a regular commitment is something I want to try next week... 4. Habit Re-Examination Also running out of time. I think that setting more time for this in the coming weeks is the habit. 5. Questions for Future Self 3 Months What was the most unexpected thing that came out from publishing research? Six Months What is something you understand about your sexuality that I did not? Twelve Months How annoying is my youngest sister now that she's 3? 3 Years How the heck did you make it this far? 5 Years How has volunteering weekly made a difference in your life? 10 Years What's a habit that I have that you still stick to? Wohoo, all done! This is super fun, but also takes up too much time at once. I will break this up into two journal entries, 50/50, posting on Monday and Friday. Thank you so much for stopping by, I wish you a bright day ❤️

Hey! I used to be in the same boat for a long time, and still am pretty often- I might have all the time in the world to do something, but instead choose to pick a different task, oops. The issue here is not a lack of willpower, but a lack of habit. And, in my case, it was an improper understanding of motivation: to feel interested in doing something, I need to start doing it. Waiting for motivation to appear just doesn't cut it. Most "difficult" things the brain naturally tends to avoid, and unless I actively soothe the discomfort of the process by doing the thing, motivation will stay low. There are a few books I've read on this that helped me ease into higher accumulation of motivation: Atomic Habits, Obstacle is the Way, and Personality isn't Permanent. Disclaimer: all of those books are faaar too long, are written by sexist/fatphobic/classist/... men, so I advise to read with caution as not to get some of their own inner bullshit get to you (as it did to me for some time -_-). Honestly, I would even advise reading a bit of the book to get the feel, and then reading summaries/reviews online about it- that will tell you all you need. Additionally, what helped me was setting goals every single day, and generating a large list of things that excite me in whatever it is that I am avoidind (studying included). The task might not feel fun, but if I manage to make it feel valuable/important, it already is a bit more exciting to get it done. The more I can align it with the goals/dreams I have for my future self, the more likely I am to get it done right now. Hope this helps! There is also tons of resources on YouTube (Cajun Koi Academy, Better Ideas, Modern Health Monk...). Also advise to tread with caution, as sometimes they talk "science" without any evidence -_-

I've tried to do this with learning Trombone for a whole year sometime ago, and it ended up getting draining. The best way to educate yourself on something is to find a way to ejoy what you're learning. Yes, there is that balance between enjoying so much you're not learning efficiently, but also same goes for enjoying so little you don't want to learn. I'm glad you're thinking so deeply about all the things that trouble you! Meaning of life and all those questions are really scary, and take a lifetime to answer 🙂

So happy you're able to keep focus on the progress, however slow! I understand the difficulty of that as someone working slowly on three 10-week projects at once... sometimes it feels that I get so little done, does it even matter? Also, I'm glad you're able to feel comfortable in your class in spite of the ignorance of men around you 🙂 Hope it will stay at the same level of comfort!

Hi! Hope you've been having a nice week, and that your weekend will have space for rest and reflection ❤️ Let's get started! So excited for this 😄 1. Significant Obstacles It's been difficult to find a balance between enjoying a more involved social life (8-10hrs/week of social activities), a more relaxed workday (8.5hrs sleep/day + no "work", only hobbies past 6PM), and strive for a "successful" life. I feel like I learn more about myself through meeting new people than anything else, and making and keeping friends over the last two weeks has been great. And also, all of my hangouts either take up too much time directly, or plunge me into deep wonderings that eat even more time. Question for next week: how can I hangout with people less while sustaining the positive mindsets my increased social activities helped me develop? On the other hand, I am attempting to not exhaust myself like I have in the past, and put myself on brakes past 6PM. Yes, there is occasional projects to work on, but I allow myself to worry less about productivity. So far, it has been "working", but there are things I wish I could dedicate more time to, and am simply unable to. On one hand, I believe that this lifestyle will lead to higher long-term sustainability of my own- and others' -wellness, but I am unable to meet my ambitions. Question for next week: What new information and experiences have I found to further complicate this issue? Lastly, perhaps it is not the issue of hanging out too much or not working enough, but having too high ambitions. Many of my peers and professors tell me that I have too much on the plate. I tend to take this advace with one ear, since my Institution ain't Ivy League, and at home such joy for work is the norm. I don't feel like I am avoiding any responsibilities by having such ambition, and am actively trying to cultivate wellness and keep my ambitions at an uncomy but reachable height. But, it might be too high still. Question for next week: Can being more effective/efficient make enough of a difference to compensate for lack of time sensed here? If not, what do we do? 1a. Obstacles -> Opportunities First, I feel incredibly grateful for having such a varied and abudant social life, even if it seems to be putting the relations of different areas of my life out of balance. I am continuing to learn more about myself through others, and so much of what I'm experiencing right now is a "first time". It's okay to allot this more time than I am usually comfortable with, as this is a big challenge for me. This has been an enormous learning opportunity for defining what kind of social life I want, and what kind of relationships I need and value. Second, I am grateful for attempting more work-life balancing acts. I am continuing to focus on my deepest, furthest dreams without dismantling my own wellbeing. It's amazing that I have the patience and confidence in myself to experiment and take risks. This has allowed me to learn more about how much work and rest feels right to me, and gave me space and time to pause to issues that I often buzz over in the midst of motion. Finally, I am grateful for being able to follow my own heart's desires, and for believing that I can reach all of them. What I am aspiring to is on a completely separate plane from any of my classmates, and that is beautiful in many ways. I'm glad that I can listen to myself and continue to work towards things I believe to be important. I don't know whether having such deep ambitions will lead me to a place of happiness and fullfillment, but I am glad to have the strength to attempt something so difficult without much support or guidance. 2. Critical Mistakes Objectified Don't have material for this yet! I don't remember my mistakes all that well because I tend to brush past them quickly. I will try to note some down for next journal entry... 3. Life Reflection Direct Impact I feel that I want to set up donations to a few additional places (5% of my monthly income) that I really value. Over the last two weeks, I've focused on contributing a bit more to the clubs which I am involved in at school (though I believe there needs to be more work done). Additionally, I have literally just now signed for a blood drive. Time Sculpting Artist I hope to contribute more here in the coming week. Over the last week, I've worked on a couple animations, but both of them have been sitting unfinished. Today, I worked on a painting, but that does not fit the "time sculpting" category. How could I make it fit..? Relation to Self I have been growing more compassionate to myself, giving more breaks and space whenever needed instead of "absolute emergencies". Listening to podcasts and reading every day has also been helpful. However, last weekend I struggled with feeling of loneliness and jealosy for a while, not fully acknowledging or sitting with them. Relation to Others Reationship with my partner is the biggest red flag. All of my friendships are doing well- I am uncomfortable and disengaged at times, but try to be a better friend every day. Ultimately, I remember that cultivating my relationship with self leads to better relationships with others, not vice versa. Communal Artistry Earlier today I have reached out to an artist on Instagram who I aspire to. I am also working on my Senior Recital, and we will have our first rehearsal this Sunday. At the moment, the recital and this possible collaboration are my two biggest goals. I hope to meet them 🙂 4. Habit Re-Examination Unfortunately, this journal has been taking too long. I will cut on this section short for this week- let's see if I can fit into 30mins next time. 5. Questions for Future Self Reminder to self: send these questions to myself as emails, and also preserve them on my Notion account. At the 1st entry of every month, write them all down. Three Months Are you more sensetive to taking bathroom breaks instead of waiting till last second? Six Months Do you still have that little "Love Is..." wrapper after moving into the new living space (post a pic plz)? Twelve Months Who did you celebrate this New Year with? What felt good about the celebration? 3 Years What has been the coolest Interactice Audio project you have worked on? 5 Years What is the form of exercise your body seems to still be enjoying? 10 Years What is the most unexpected thing about being a parent? That is it for this entry (took me over an hour, but so worth it!). Hope you've found something meaningful while scrolling through ❤️ Po

Hi! Thank you so much for stopping by, it means a lot to know that there are people who find value/meaning in my scribbles ❤️ I've been all over the place the last two weeks, trying to establish my Winter Term routines. It seems that I'm settling down. This journal entry is a walkthrough of my thought process on Maximizing the Potential of Journaling. If you feel that journaling at GQ doesn't feel fullfilling/purposeful, this might be helpful to you 🙂 Let's start with re-examining the structure of my journals: how can it serve my future self better? Who is my future self? (a concept from "Personality Isn't Permanent") A wide-reaching, direct-impact professional in the fields of public speaking, writing, education, and research at work One of the most visible time-sculpting (film/animation/music/sound mediums) artists in the world at home Humblest, kindest, warmest, and most influential person they've ever been in public A leader in communal artistic projects that bring together people, objects, and concepts that are traditionally kept apart This is a narrow list, but it encompasses the key values I've been thinking about for ~ a month now. With this in mind, what is the purpose of the journal now? Reflecting on the progression of time/mindsets across different areas of my life I would like to continue to reflect in a similar fashion, but on a narrower scope Setting targets and goals for a measurable future This doesn't work in this bi-weekly format, so I'll move this to my daily journal Practice positive self-talk and objective interpretation of events Keep this fully! A wonderful skill to learn Let's brainstorm what else this journal could be! Conduct conversations with my future self Reframe obstacles into opportunities (concept from "The Obstacle Is the Way") Reflect on areas of life that are key to approaching my future self Examine my current systems and habits (based on concepts from "Atomic Habits") on how they (dis)empower me to approach my future self Learn from critical mistakes that reduce correlation of the path from present to my future self Sounds like a plan! How can I achieve these goals? Ask my future self questions 3/6/12 months from the date of the entry at the end of each journal Look into significant obstacles and treat them as happening for me, not to me Change my current areas of life to: Direct Impact, Time Sculpting Artist, Relation to Self, Relation to Others, Communal Artistry Looking into 2-3 habits/systems I take for granted and re-examining them from the perspective of future self Examine critical mistakes from the week w/ objectivity and radical acceptance, then with future alternatives So, the structure of my journal will look like this: 1. Significant Obstacles + Turning them into Opportunities 2. Critical Mistakes Objectified + Radical Acceptance + Future Alternatives 3. Life Reflection 4. Habit Re-Examination 5. Questions for Future Self Alright, this sounds exciting! Will restart the journey on Thursday 🙂 Po ❤️

Hey! Props for trying out so many things already, this seems like a good start of a longer journey. Keep trying new things 🙂

Something that I've recently heard that helped me a lot with this thought: "what feels like walking back in circles, or going in peaks and valleys rather than steadily upwards... all of that is a part of healing. I am not failing or making little progress. Rather, this is all an inherent part of change" I'm so happy you've been able to act on and embrace such a significant change in your life @Books! I'm very thankful for all the journeys you've shared here. You continue to look up and not take what is in your life for granted. You remind me that I deserve a better life 🙂 Hope that this new environment will continue to empower you!

Thank you to everyone who reads my journal entries! I'm so humbled that you're willing to give them your time. Gaming This was true! Only played once, but I took a good amount of notes while playing the game and honestly didn't play as much as I did observe. Besides that, have been occasionally assisting my sister with progressing through her Terraria world. At this point, I believe so deeply in my ability to restrain myself that occasional gaming rings no bells. Glad to be here. Recap of the weekS Pretty much- I think that there is still some "urgent" things I am not attending, but at the end of each day I am feeling fullfilled. Being back with family has been fun- I am noticing so many ways in which I don't treat them the way I want to, and it's been frustrating and challenging and rewarding to work towards a better language. Have been reading every day for at least 30mins to 2hrs, and it feels so amazing to be learning so much every day. Effectiveness/Efficiency Feeling better here- with family home, it's difficult to have longer work sessions. Taking more breaks allows me to approach the tasks much more carefully. I am getting more goal-centered and efficient again, with every-day journaling. Past experiences have not been great, with me getting over-efficient and forgetting about goals/joy of the flow, but I know that I'm a different person now. Relationships Continues to be the case. I am excited to talk about this with my counsellor, and afterwards have a conversation with my partner. I think that as things are now, the relationship just doesn't fit my needs for a long-term monogamous romantic relationship. I will take the effort to give this more time, however, and will make sure to communicate to my partner as soon as I feel like I've formulated a solid opinion that I can verbalize clearly. Other than that, things with friends have slown down- none of them are obsessed with me lol, and neither am I. Despite the occasional chats, though, I am super excited to see them in-person soon, and know that they share some of that excitement too. Excited! Moving Forward I am much better at being in the present, and will take more mindfullness exercises into my routine once I am back on campus. Deepening relationships has been incredibly challenging, but I am making progress every day! It no longer feels like I am neglecting anything, but simply prioritizing. The most ambitious things I could be doing, I am doing! That brings me so much fullfillment I don't feel guilt for not tending to some other things. Though... In the coming weeks, I hope to be better at tending to all of my tasks, not just the top priorities, to continue to build deeper and kinder relationships, and to feel more confident than I've ever felt in myself. Thank you for reading ❤️ Po

If you have the time, I'd encourage to attempt to develop additional hobbies or at least interest in doing things to replace gaming. It might feel like developing a new addiction, and yet it was incredibly helpful for me in keeping urges for playing video games at bay. I did things like playing with legos, reading comics, making art, and learning new software- not easily addictive, but certainly rewarding with some effort. Good luck on making it through the holidays 🙂

I'm glad to be back 🙂 It's been 4 days since I have returned from my class in Spain, and I'm finally jet lag free, though still sore af. -- Gaming Well, since I am still committed to work in the Video Game Industry for the vast creative potential it offers, I am trying to play more games that I would like to make. Unsuprisingly, they are all non-action indies that often address a wide array of politically sensetive topics. I actually feel like I am studying, not simply entertaining myself. Recap of the weekS Oooh, during the class I've developed so many wonderful relationships with people that it made me wonder what I really am seeking from my romantic relationship. On that end, things are going considerably better than in the last 4, 5, maybe 6 months? But still, I feel like this relationship does not meet what I desire. Whether that can change, and whether that is a significant issue are questions I will be answering in the coming month. Truth is, I still was avoiding some difficult tasks- and not very cogniscent of it, even. It is scary to be working on such grandeur tasks, but remembering that even the biggest mountain is just a bunch of pebbles helps mitigate the fear. In many ways, the Class was refreshing but also dearly exhausting, but given how much I love working and learning, I did not let myself catch enough of a break. I want to do so many things, and not out of avoidance of self-care or tending to other, less "important" tasks. But, the last few days have been filled with a bit too much urgency. I hope to strike a better balance soon- just have some catching up to do tonight, and after that I will have a more relaxed timeline. Effectiveness/Efficiency Want to strike more on accountability! Motivation is also not having the best time, but I now firmly believe that it comes from doing, and try to "do" as much as I can. Noticing many more subtle avoidant behaviours in my life, and trying to deal with them appropriately. The biggest challenge, though, is finding joy in the present moment, and through that staying focused on my goals and efficiency. Despite the break from many of my patterns that the trip to Spain offered, I have returned to them immediately upon arrival home. My tendencies to lose flow due to discomfort, or to take frustration as a sign of success, or to accept energy deprivation instead of working towards replenishing it- they're all still here. I am glad I can name them better, and am already actively tackling them with new systems and patterns. Relationships Reading "Courage to be Disliked" has helped me gather together many ideas and beliefs I held for a long time into a coherent whole. It is not my responsibility to motivate my partner to complete these tasks. All I can do is communicate my feelings, and let them know of the consequences of inaction. No matter what kind of change will take place in the coming months, I will do my best to embrace it and move forward. And I did! I started out quite introverted, but was able to embrace much more presence and love and frustration of other people. I feel much more comfortable making new connections, hanging out in large groups, and constantly shifting boundaries and exploring new possibilities. I'm very excited to build on this experience once school starts again. Been feeling lonely, as I am completely by myself at home right now. Texting more, connecting with the environment outside, and appreciating what I have has been helping. Ultimately, I know that I am surrounded by many loving and caring individuals even though they are not here at the moment. Moving Forward Muhaha, I am working on them now! Breaking things down more and more and more has helped tremendously, as has visioning of the final result's benefits. Though a lot of the process is still challenging and time-consuming, I am excited to embrace being in these overwhelming situations more in the coming days. I hope to lessen avoidance of the present moment, deepen my relationships with things and beings that surround me, and tend to the tasks I often neglect. Thank you so much for reading my journal, I appreciate you so much and hope you've found this helpful ❤️ Po

No, thank you so much for being here, I appreciate so much that you took the time to read and respond to my thoughts! I believe that it is ultimately very hard to deal with stress head on, especially during relatively uncommon situations like an interview. Instead, I've been trying to minimize even relatively isolated outbursts of stress as quickly as I can in my every day life. I hope that by making the habit of pausing, assessing, and reacting to any situation that brings me discomfort, I'll be able to mitigate or at least accept the stress in those rare ocassions. Really hope to make the most of this habit in the next two weeks, as I am on break...

Hi LostRiver, Also wanted to send some words of appreciation your way. The style of writing you utilize is very powerful and moving, and the ideas and concepts you convey resonate with me very strongly. I am tempted to take notes 🙂 Thank you for sharing so much on this forum!

A long overdue entry. If you are reading this now- thank you for you time 🙂 I hope you find something to take away from my journey. -- Gaming Will get to this tonight- I think that playing 10-20 minutes before my day is over feels good. Since the break has started (I am all done with school yay), I've been certainly more tempted to play lots. Uninstalled all the games, and have made a commitment to not install anything "fun"; instead, I will do more experimental, challenging, non-relaxing, or simply puzzling games. They don't give the same chemical boost, and I don't feel addicted. Recap of the weekS Had a few more hangouts the following week that have been especially wonderful. I am so happy to be experiencing closer friendships. The academic term ended on a pretty good note. I do think that my motivation for doing well in classes has decreased, but I take that as a good sign- grades don't matter for my future much. What is an issue that I hope to address in the coming weeks, though, is that my motivation for long-term, important projects has not increased. This week is the beginning of Winter Break. I am feeling pretty good so far, I did not experience any burnout/exhaustion that came in years prior. There was a seamless transition from academics to personal work; I feel as motivated to get out of bed, get stuff done, and dream big. What definitely helped this happen was lots of self-reflection ahead of time, where I outlined my goals for the break, the things I want and need to do, and much else. Since I know what and when I want to get done, I don't feel unmotivated. Also, keeping the same work schedule helps so much- I wake up, go to bed, eat, and take breaks at the same time as before the break. Effectiveness/Efficiency Do have a plan, but am not actively working towards executing it. It is definitely avoidance mindsets- I don't have that much time to work on larger tasks, but I am not dedicating any at the moment. Oops, forgot about this! I don't think I need it much though, the value of a consistent sleep schedule is so obvious to me now (I've done more research) that I have a very strong inclination to wake up early. Better on this, but a bit irregular. I don't quite keep this in my mind as a goal, rather just tend to do it because what I'm after requires planning. Otherwise, I am feeling more or less at the top of my game. There is obvious challenges to being at 100% all the time- a new environment, less sunlight, more solitude, less scheduled events. To keep myself accountable and motivated requires a lot of goal work. I am continuing to do more of it every day. Also, I need to read more if I want to keep up. Books give me so much motivation. Relationships Romantically, I am continuing to sway back and forth between hopeful and pessimistic. My partner is doing the bare minimum, but with a lot of hesitation. Pushing the work and conversations forward is pretty draining and unrewarding for me, as I take lack of engagement from my partner as a sign that they won't do the work when life gets more stressful (and it always does!). But at the same time, I know that they do care, very deeply, about this relationship and believe in wonders. Some of the issues do stem from how I am approaching this whole thing, too, but I feel like the way I feel is very fair and reasonable. I will do my best not to act on it thought. Other things are going well. I am chatting with a lot more people online, and have scheduled a hangout already. Once my december course starts, I will be surrounded by friends 24/7. A bit nervous, but this is hands down the best opportunity to improve my social skills. And I will 🙂 Moving Forward In some ways- I am doing more than I was a couple days ago, being much more present socially, picking up new projects... But the largest, most ambitious things are still too scary-looking. Will get to them in the coming days no matter what!

Yes! Or, I want to think that way. He spend the first two decades of his life in rural Austria, where nothing happened and he couldn't meet his ambitions. That's why he left to US. And for some time while he was in US, his life was not super fascinating either. But, he managed to develop a work ethic great enough to win the Bodybuilding Championship on the 1st try... I hope to get there!

I thought a lot about this, and simply hope that my higher-than-average productivity and efficiency will help me get to those goals faster than that 🙂 I am trying to tackle things one by one at the moment though! There are lots of interviews about his early days, where he was pretty clueless about what he was doing and how; he got much better at getting the outcome he wanted with less work/time over the years. I don't think there is anything extraordinary about him as a person, but about his work ethic. I'm not sure if I will, but I certainly am able to get to approximately the same level of work ethic as him!

I'm so sorry work is such a dissapointment and stressor to you, and that depression is making it worse You certainly deserve to have a better life. I'm very glad that you were able to share all of these personal things here, and am happy to know that you're attempting to push through the hard times. I hope that you'll find a way to put out the dumpster fire that is working in this industry. I also hope that you aren't being too hard on yourself for all the behaviours/patterns you're going through, since they are caused by things that are very difficult to control.

That's very unfair for you to say to yourself! No one is born to suffer, we all get to choose what our life aspires towards. It does not have to be suffering. You're not garbage 🙂 I haven't read it myself yet, but heard good things about the "Personality isn't permanent" when it comes to making the process of altering your self-definition a bit easier.