Pochatok

Day 1 again- relapsed yesterday, multiple times. While my preferences for content are changing for the better, I need to simply stop. Again, I must stand by my goals more deeply- it's too easy to forget. If I want to live in the world of my dreams, I must change. If I want to be free, I want change. Every time I have an urge to relapse, I will remind myself of the two statements above. Is it worth to override them yet again? After all, how do I know that today is not my last day on Earth? Tomorrow is not granted. I am no longer a person that engages in skin picking, pornography, gaming, and any other forms of escapism. I am in tune with myself. ❤️ Let's go again.

Alright, let's get back into it, and w/ a strong identity recommitment first. It's never impossible to change. I am not a person who indulges in any of the following: - skin picking - any other physically harmful coping mechanism - gaming - social media as escapism, rather than learning - non-intentional learning of any kind (such as mindless reading, binge-watching, etc.) - pornography - any other emotionally harmful coping mechanism Why is that no longer me: I must pursue my goals. I know that the world needs me- the world as I want it to be will never, never happen if I do not make it myself. And I cannot get there w/out my 100%. It will take all of us- and I need to start with myself. I want a world where "work" is not a requirement for basic human needs, where has the capacity to be brave and do the hard thing, where there are no more (bullshit) jobs, where borders are a formality rather than barriers, where empathy and compassion is practiced more often than isolation and fear. If I do not quit gaming, I cannot teach myself to do the hard things. If I do not quit pornography, I will not live a life free of fear and isolation. If I continue to escape my physical, social, emotional realities in any way, I will never be able to change the world. I am no longer a person that engages in skin picking, pornography, games, and any other forms of escapism. ❤️ Po

Hey! That post is from over 3 years ago at this point- I have read countless books since, and am happy to share some favorites. - Courage to be Disliked (and the sequel, Courage to be Happy) - Parable of the Sower (and the sequel, Parable of Talents) - Dark New Age - Property Will Cost Us The Earth - My Black Friend and Other Strangers - Ecophobia Hypothesis - Rehearsals for Living - Beyond the Gender Binary Also, I understand why you no longer read books- it is very, very hard in the current digital landscape. I struggle with it too- it took me intentionally quitting most social media for many, many months (along with games, tv, comics, and many other forms of entertainment) to resume my relationship w/ reading in a sustainable and compassionate way. Let me know if you pick up any of these, they're all such wonderful reads ❤️

A week out for a work trip! Incredible experience, but I came back and relapsed immediately. Starting over today- day 0. Why did the relapse happen: lack of intention, lack of reflection. I could have set myself up for success but instead set myself up for failure. I find myself going deeper and deeper into "unsuccessful" ways of living, even though my character is as strong as ever. I'm appreciated by everyone I meet, people enjoy me and my presence. I feel very secure and confident in myself. Yet... There is a clear lack of direction to my actions. I struggle to put simple acts together, feeling rather disoriented and easily distracted. I feel both at my highest and lowest at the same time. How do I move on from this? Tomorrow, i will reflect more on this issue. For now- I am trying my best to live. Thank you for following me along.

Hey! I don't want you to give up on yourself. I'm always here for you- I want you to live a happier life.

Thursday entry: Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence... No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way. With that, I want to live by the following values today: - positive obsession // get things done - dreaming // see my path clearly - clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future - honesty // no lies to myself, or others - movement // do not stagnate, keep active Let's seize the day -- Friday entry: Day 2. I have been engaging in pornography, but in a very important manner that actually distances me from it. This is similar to how I engaged w/ games prior to quitting- by creating a different relationship that was not rooted in avoidance, escapism, and etc.. Once this was achieved, I no longer "needed" games, and therefore had an easier time quitting. I understand the risks of this approach, but am already feeling much better about it. It's a lot harder to rewire my relationship with pornography by quitting cold turkey. Instead, I need to kindly, patiently recreate my relationship so that it simply is no longer needed. Almost like saying goodbye to a friend with whom I need to part ways- be kind, compassionate, caring, yet firm. Not one step back here. I want to keep learning.

ironically, my advice is rooted in compassion, but I believe it to be genuine advice. Stop comparing yourself to others. It's no use, and there is no greater enemy to your own freedom than social complacency/conformity. I know that you live in a Russian-speaking country, and understand that being in any way non-conforming is not an easy task. However, if you simply try to chase for becoming someone else, you will sacrifice your own priorities, opportunities, and uniqueness. Instead, make a plan that serves you first- whether that includes winning olympiads or not is up to you. But all these social achievements should not be a goal in itself. From my experience, once I was able to set goals that centered on my own needs and interests, I actually increased my achievements- my grades skyrocketed, and my skills in all areas of passion improved tremendously. But first, I had to do all of those things for myself. Not for the sake of achievement. Again, I understand that this is difficult for you given where you live. But, I still recommend doing what you can to avoid conformity as much as possible.

Hey! Welcome, glad to have you here, and I look forward to seeing your journey!!! Po

Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence... No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way. With that, I want to live by the following values today: - positive obsession // get things done - dreaming // see my path clearly - clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future - honesty // no lies to myself, or others - movement // do not stagnate, keep active Let's seize the day.

Day 1 - all good. some urges, but I know better. Onwards. My values are: - greater purpose- to lessen unnecessary suffering of all those around me // - whole-wellbeing // i am my environment - deviance // conformity is a slow death - integrity // unbreakable commitments - discipline // nourish routines - visioning // chart ahead, do not stumble - presence // no passivity - compassion // always breathe w/ kindness - obsession // do not settle for effort - clarity // act decisively - determination // do not surrender With that, I regret that today's morning has been rather slow (yet fast-passing). I did not set goals early on, I did not have a clear routine in mind, I did not create plans. Instead, I ran in circles trying to find an immediate solution to a large set of issues. Zoom out. Take the time to take the world in. Do not escape, do not narrow my vision- do not relapse ❤️

So, on Day 7- relapse. Did not set my values for that day, was two days journal-free, etc. . I am lacking a commitment to a stark routine, one that I will follow no matter what. Saturday, I simply forgot. Sunday, I spent all my day away from home. Still, I have such strong regret for relapsing. It is a significant hit to my values. I know I can do better. No more relapses. I want to be free- keep learning. I am missing a tremendous amount of discipline, commitment, and planning- and I am thankful to @Yan for helping me notice that. Onwards: My values are - whole-wellbeing (the combined health of community and myself) // as opposed to individualism - honesty, openness, and vulnerability - all interconnected and equally important // as opposed to closetedness - deviance // as opposed to conformity - integrity // as opposed to inconsistency - discipline // as opposed to discontinuity - visioning // as opposed to momentous - presence // as opposed to passivity - compassion // as opposed to apathy - obsession // as opposed to effort - clarity // as opposed to indecisiveness - determination // as opposed to inclination

Interesting! I do not trust my yesterday self enough to set expectations for my today self. I tend to plan first thing in the day, but not overnight. I do set larger goals/dreams/systems overnight, but not the day-to-day actions. Just some thoughts- you're amazing ❤️

My 2c on dieting: don't count calories, but commit to eating unprocessed, chemical-free foods. Yes, they're more expensive and give less "immediate" results. But everything, EVERYTHING else will result in significant health concerns later down the lane- decades later, but still. I remember keeping a complex diet in high school, when I was obsessed w/ growing muscle infinitely. Did I succeed? Yes. But I lost enjoyment in my meals and cooking, I lost that sacred connection to my inner digestion cycles (i.e. ate when I was not hungry) and I gained disdain for the very process of consuming food. Now, I have lost ~10lbs in muscle mass, but I feel so much fresher and at-home in my body. My food is a joy to both cook and eat. And, I eat foods that are beneficial to all of me, and when I am hungry- and therefore am at what I consider my "natural" weight. Some people would call that too lean, but it is what feels "right". I feel free, most importantly, of contemporary conventional beauty standards- and that on its own elevates my mental and social wellness to a whole new level.

Hey! It's alright, your frustrations and fears are more than valid. It seems like you had a major disturbance to your plans, brought by things that are largely beyond your control. Be gentle w/ yourself- you're doing your best. P

Day 5 - what a horrifying day to wake up to. I had a sleepover! Would not consider this a hook-up, but it also did not feel like any of my late-night romantic encounters (lol) before. There is a bit ball of feelings to untangle in regards to that experience. For now, I can say that I was not kind to myself, to my deeper dreams and aspirations, to my future self. I am sorry for letting you all down. My relationship with you is far more important than any other, and yesterday I pretended like that was not true. Doing what's "good in the moment" is a lie, because I hope to live another day. In fact, I hope to live for many, many days. I cannot, therefore, make decisions for the present w/out consideration for that. No more sacrifice zones! I will take good care of my future self. Perhaps I've not been connecting to them often enough. Po

Day 4 - want to keep this consistent to mornings. No urges today. I know that people who love me and see me are near. I want them, not a drug. I no longer need this drug, and I am cultivating better drugs- reading, resting, meditating -as an alternative. They're still drugs, and are to be treated with caution, but their benefit on my wellbeing will be always net-positive. I want to be free, happy, honest, ambitious, passionate, obsessed.

Day 3 - only three days, but going smoothly. That date revitalized my passion for spending time w/ people rather than images. Main risk on my mind is forgetting my values, so let's recap them: - Honesty - Service - Compassion - Wellbeing - Integrity - Happiness - Autonomy - Change - Adventure - Madness How does pornography's interfere w/ my values? When I engage w/ pornography, i.e. dehumanization through sexualisation, I am not compassionate. The very process of sexualization denies one's full humanity, which is incompatible w/ compassion. To comfort this dissonance, I lie to myself when I watch pornography, and undermine both my "honesty" and "integrity" values. As a consequence of lying and living in alignment w/ so many values at once, I also become unhappier. As a result, I feel less confident in myself, which in effect stagnates my ability to change (as in order to change, I need to feel like I know who I currently am). Alright, so let's not watch it! Majority of my values are interfered w/ when I engage in pornography. Excited to take it on tomorrow- I am already 5% done 🙂

Day 2 - had some cravings, didn't give in! And, had a wonderful improptu date that left me w/ 6 hours of sleep, but anyways! I feel like a lot of my social urges were met. I felt very loved and gave a lot of love, too ❤️ Today, I will also be quite busy and quite tired. I anticipate accumulating urges as the day goes on. My response will be, "I want to be sustainably happy- meaning I will simultaneously push myself towards creating a better world AND be gentle and caring. Pornography is neither of those; instead, it weakens my sense of integrity, raises my insecurities, and distances me from the world I want to create" Let's get rolling 🧻

Hey! Something that really helped me was switching to a more private browser (brave) or just turning various metadata off on chrome (ad tracking), combined w/ re-routing my social/game cravings into things more aligned w/ my values (only game I'd play would be a visual novel on a topic that really matters to me, or an unexciting, intellectual strategy game). I restructured my YouTube subscriptions, twitter feed, and Insta follows. -- Beside that, I'm sorry you're stuck at such an isolated and un-rewarding work environment. I would be (and am, kind of) experiencing cravings too- it's not a healthy space to be in. Regardless of what comes your way, I'm happy to see how much you care for yourself. Po

Hey! I wonder, how familiar are you w/ sleep hygiene? Imo, that mid-day nap is what may be causing your fatigue.

Day 1 - yesterday was too busy for any urge to even cross my mind. Today though, 2 hours since awakening, I am already overwhelmed by urges. However, I decided to journal here first, because I know that I want to live by my values. I want to be happy and free- that starts w/ integrity, presence, and self-compassion. Right now, my urges are high b/c I am not aligned/informed by my goals. Instead of setting my goals, I've prioritized exposure to people and information. It is meaningful, but in the wrong order. Tomorrow onwards, I will make sure to set down my plans, goals, aspirations, and a vision of future self BEFORE exposing myself to ANY external information. Let's get it rolling- will work on my goals now. Po

Day 0, still- let's try to make it through. I've set some vague goals, exercised, but otherwise have been passive- and it's been over 2 hours since I've woken up. What's missing is a clear set of immediate goals that can direct me from the moment I get up. I am too caught up in the moment, I am not making decisions beyond "today". And while that has been making my life feel full and exciting, it is also a lot of time and effort, to plan every single aspect of my day. Today, I will set up more thorough routines that I will stick to for 4-6 days/week. Yesterday, relapses were centered around moments when I felt like I needed "more energy" or was escaping emotions. Today, I will keep learning self-compassion and kindness. Ultimately, I want to be happy, and be free- that starts with being fully present and grounded in myself. This feels vague, but I'll let it roll for now. I'll see if I can add more.

Hey! Hope you can continue to be compassionate to yourself and the ppl you're going on dates with. This made me thing of one of the most inspiring relationships I've seen- between my parents and their best friends. We'd gather together, and they'd be talking complete nonsense- the most boring, laid-back small talk I've ever heard. When I asked why they were not talking about something more personal, like politics or how they're really doing, they said "it doesn't matter what we talk about, it's how we feel when we talk- we just want the vibes". I try to carry that attitude w/ me ever since- no matter what the subject of the conversation is, just bring a warm attitude.

Appreciate your input, @Dark, @BooksandTrees, and @Ikar, I feel empowered and responsible ❤️ ❤️❤️ Unlike @Dark, I do not experience any significant drawback from not watching porn, but it still feels like a significant interference w/ my life, because I've educated myself plenty on how harmful the porn industry is, in countless ways. And, to watch porn is to be out of alignment w/ my values- I hate, hate with a passion sexualizing others, especially women. Perhaps, it is an issue of not having my life "together". I don't have the daily opportunity to love and connect w/ people in ways that are meaningful to me, and porn is my "don't know any better" coping mechanism. Except that I do- so many things have worked, historically to replace porn, from books to connecting w/ real people in different ways. Porn does not interfere w/ external parts of my life- getting things done, on time. But, it greatly shatters my inner self- it impacts my sense of integrity, it makes me see bodies before seeing people, it causes me to look and act towards people (especially women) in ways that make them uncomfortable. And that's the last thing I want. So, it is hard right now b/c I am not experiencing a loss of integrity- I don't sexualize others to a point where it truly frustrates me since I am mostly by myself, and am not around people who can be desirable/attractive. But this is a subversion: the more I resort to porn, the less I connect w/ my friends (tested countless times over). Ultimately, I want to quit. Back to groundhog day: 0 I will dedicate time, right now, to tell one of my friends how much I love them.

That's not selfish, that's so caring! To serve others well, you need to first serve yourself ❤️ Thank you for your thoughts and experiences- it is very helpful to hear a unique, different perspective. Cannot agree, but very much understand and appreciate how you approach art, it's wonderful 🙂