Pochatok

I appreciate your warmth in this reply ❤️ I believe that my basic needs are met, more or less- I do have the basic habits, but no guiding star to drive them further. I get up early, but not as soon as I wake up. I exercise, but don't break a sweat. Why would I- life doesn't have a very clear sense of purpose. I am starting to uncover more of what I don't want- but there is still so much fog in the area of my passions. It's both an issue of practice- I don't get to do a lot of the things (I think) I enjoy -and an issue of priority- more everyday tasks like reading tend to fill up most of my day. introspective is difficult, especially when I'm by myself- thank you for your encouragement!

Do you do any mindfulness/meditation? Imo, it could be not the hydration, but that you're having trouble noticing that you're dehydrated. For me, a lot of my physical discomforts have lessened once I began listening to myself a lot more. Until then, I could never figure it out- was I eating too much, or too little; too early or too late?.. What it all came to was learning to hear what my body is telling me- b/c those needs change every day. Feeling dehydrated and overhydrated can appear very similar- it's listening deeper that guides me to the right responses to physical discomforts.

Hey! Just here (as the oldest sibling of 5, my youngest being 2 and 5) to say that others' pain is not always something you can fix. Imo, the most important thing you offer is your presence- even if he's crying, he knows you're there for him. Sometimes that's the best you can do- and that's ok. As he develops and learns to hold himself, he will remember you holding him, telling him that it will all be okay ❤️

Today, I did not sent an intent of not-relapsing; fortunately, urges were low. I am continuing to have massive issues w/ distractions. I need to work through this ASAP- a vision is closer, yet I have not arrived at it still. Hustle hustle! Po

Today, I was not someone who was committed to quitting. I am continuing a very mindful exposure course, but am not doing enough to cultivate a different set of coping/need-meeting mechanisms. Therefore, I relapsed when urges were strong enough. And, I did not set my values in the morning. Today, pornography urges showed up when I was feeling very stressed. I need to re-wire myself into doing something else that actually helps: at the moment, porn is most desired b/c I do not have other effective coping strategies like talking to friends/journaling (relational expression), walking/exercise (physical expression), or singing/making art (emotional expression- as in bypassing conscious processing of emotions into feelings). Perhaps what I am realizing most closely is that I've been extremely forgetful since February. I am no longer holding deep awareness of my values; I have no long-term plans. I am very present, very intent, but that intent ends with sunset. I need to re-form my life again. Even if it is feeble and unstable of a vision, I need to have one. So, today I will begin keeping track of four separate living modules: half-day plan (revised/extended in evening), 7 day aspirations, 10-week goals, and 2 year dreams. Or, 7 hours, 7 days, 70 days, and 700 days. For some reason, this number has been working well for me. Again, I do not want to make this public directly. However, I do want to make and publish artwork that will reflect each one of these. To keep this private is to never commit.

Welcome, glad to have you here! Played a similar amount of hours, but there is still more to life. Look forward to hearing you take back control of your life, however non-linear and confusing that path may be ❤️

Did not relapse w/ pornography today- the "exposure therapy" is working, and let me share why: What is "exposure therapy" in regards to pornography? I watch pornography on purpose within a setting that is de-stimulating (less private, less intimate space)- this helps me react milder to seeing porn. What inspired me to try this? My recent experiences of platonic physical intimacy. I got to cuddle and fall asleep, repeatedly, with a friend for whom I used to have intense romantic affection; at first, it was quite uncomfortable- I had to work through the urges to infuse platonic cuddles with romantic overtones. But, as time went on, I became a lot more comfortable just cuddling, just sleeping. And then, my feelings shifted too- I no longer have romantic attachment to my friend; our feelings towards each other run more consistently parallel, and I feel so secure ❤️ I no longer worry about impulsively acting out on my desires, or struggle to enjoy our relationship as it is now. -> With porn, I hope to gain a same effect- not by abstaining from accessing it, but un-learning my desire towards it. Only then, I will have a secure relationship w/ pornography, where I feel in control of my feelings and actions. if memory serves me right, this was a strategy I utilized for video games, too, prior to starting my detox. I tend to track my quitting journey w/ gaming from day 0, but in fact, it started long before that. I would have never made it from 0 to 90 in one take, had I not done so much prep work. Excited to continue down this road- every time I have an urge for pornography, de-sensitize myself. Remind me that this is not what I really desire. Po ❤️

I'm curious, do you have a clear goal set for this? Imo, it's a lot less to stop scrolling when you have a goal rather than a limit. A limit is something like "stop after 10 profiles" whereas a goal is "continue until I find 2 profiles that resonate with me". It re-frames the ending/ceasing of the activity as desirable rather than forced. That's how I browse social media- look out for 3-5 helpful posts that I "save for later" (and sometimes revisit). There is no doom scrolling b/c I am seeking very specific things. If I cannot find any helpful posts for some time, I tend to quit b/c of frustration.

Another day- was able to implement the above exercise, sloppily. Did not have a walk long enough to review my plans, and set them for today- which is definitely related to my hour-long distraction into reading. It was certainly useful, but inefficient. I want to make the most of the little time I have left on this planet. It will never be enough- but I can do my best. Po

Hey! Admiring your commitment- I will not game today either (tho, the weather is easy on me- the sunniest it's been all week). Good luck on your journey- look forward to hearing about it ❤️

There is always a bit of shame, often externalized- "games are not good for you". At this point, when I play games, it's more often for a valid reason than not- and I play 1-2 times/year (as in, 1-2 "sessions" where I play for a couple days to a couple weeks, and then quit altogether). But, I only am able to feel so little shame b/c I know that my gaming is not habitual. I don't play games by myself, I don't play games to escape. I do play to connect, to learn, to explore myself. That's the only way, for me, to have a truly healthy relationship w/ games- to make them a means towards something, not the end.

Missed a cruicial part of my morning routine- journaling, dreaming, and praying. As a result, another relapse. I must center my intentions. Writing here is one portal for getting there. How do I maintain this routine w/ stability? - consistent, successive routine: so far, I've been able to implement the following chain: wake up think through the dreams for 5-10 brief prayer of gratitude as I'm getting up 2nd prayer- of gratitude ice shower outside walk exercise Where would planning, dreaming, aspiring prayer, and journaling fit in best -> added in! wake up immediately get out of bed think through the dreams for 5-10 brief prayer of gratitude as I'm getting up 2nd prayer- of gratitude set my future self vision, dreams, and aspirations for today- 3 things i want to happen and experience ice shower outside walk review the plans for today, and recap yesterday- through a voice message exercise transcribe and expand on the voice message from the walk have breakfast - no distractions, no media. be w/ myself --- the day passes review the transcription from 7th point, and make plans for tomorrow + the next 7, 30, 60, 100 days (to be reviewed the next day during 6th point) How do I ensure that this sticks? Make it public (by sharing here + my personal blog) and make it stick (write it down, physically) I don't want to forget that I want to be free. I want to do the difficult, important things. I've been running away this whole week. It does not feel good. I am so easily distracted, and yet feel almost no shame for my behavior.

Day 1 again- relapsed yesterday, multiple times. While my preferences for content are changing for the better, I need to simply stop. Again, I must stand by my goals more deeply- it's too easy to forget. If I want to live in the world of my dreams, I must change. If I want to be free, I want change. Every time I have an urge to relapse, I will remind myself of the two statements above. Is it worth to override them yet again? After all, how do I know that today is not my last day on Earth? Tomorrow is not granted. I am no longer a person that engages in skin picking, pornography, gaming, and any other forms of escapism. I am in tune with myself. ❤️ Let's go again.

Alright, let's get back into it, and w/ a strong identity recommitment first. It's never impossible to change. I am not a person who indulges in any of the following: - skin picking - any other physically harmful coping mechanism - gaming - social media as escapism, rather than learning - non-intentional learning of any kind (such as mindless reading, binge-watching, etc.) - pornography - any other emotionally harmful coping mechanism Why is that no longer me: I must pursue my goals. I know that the world needs me- the world as I want it to be will never, never happen if I do not make it myself. And I cannot get there w/out my 100%. It will take all of us- and I need to start with myself. I want a world where "work" is not a requirement for basic human needs, where has the capacity to be brave and do the hard thing, where there are no more (bullshit) jobs, where borders are a formality rather than barriers, where empathy and compassion is practiced more often than isolation and fear. If I do not quit gaming, I cannot teach myself to do the hard things. If I do not quit pornography, I will not live a life free of fear and isolation. If I continue to escape my physical, social, emotional realities in any way, I will never be able to change the world. I am no longer a person that engages in skin picking, pornography, games, and any other forms of escapism. ❤️ Po

Hey! That post is from over 3 years ago at this point- I have read countless books since, and am happy to share some favorites. - Courage to be Disliked (and the sequel, Courage to be Happy) - Parable of the Sower (and the sequel, Parable of Talents) - Dark New Age - Property Will Cost Us The Earth - My Black Friend and Other Strangers - Ecophobia Hypothesis - Rehearsals for Living - Beyond the Gender Binary Also, I understand why you no longer read books- it is very, very hard in the current digital landscape. I struggle with it too- it took me intentionally quitting most social media for many, many months (along with games, tv, comics, and many other forms of entertainment) to resume my relationship w/ reading in a sustainable and compassionate way. Let me know if you pick up any of these, they're all such wonderful reads ❤️

A week out for a work trip! Incredible experience, but I came back and relapsed immediately. Starting over today- day 0. Why did the relapse happen: lack of intention, lack of reflection. I could have set myself up for success but instead set myself up for failure. I find myself going deeper and deeper into "unsuccessful" ways of living, even though my character is as strong as ever. I'm appreciated by everyone I meet, people enjoy me and my presence. I feel very secure and confident in myself. Yet... There is a clear lack of direction to my actions. I struggle to put simple acts together, feeling rather disoriented and easily distracted. I feel both at my highest and lowest at the same time. How do I move on from this? Tomorrow, i will reflect more on this issue. For now- I am trying my best to live. Thank you for following me along.

Hey! I don't want you to give up on yourself. I'm always here for you- I want you to live a happier life.

Thursday entry: Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence... No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way. With that, I want to live by the following values today: - positive obsession // get things done - dreaming // see my path clearly - clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future - honesty // no lies to myself, or others - movement // do not stagnate, keep active Let's seize the day -- Friday entry: Day 2. I have been engaging in pornography, but in a very important manner that actually distances me from it. This is similar to how I engaged w/ games prior to quitting- by creating a different relationship that was not rooted in avoidance, escapism, and etc.. Once this was achieved, I no longer "needed" games, and therefore had an easier time quitting. I understand the risks of this approach, but am already feeling much better about it. It's a lot harder to rewire my relationship with pornography by quitting cold turkey. Instead, I need to kindly, patiently recreate my relationship so that it simply is no longer needed. Almost like saying goodbye to a friend with whom I need to part ways- be kind, compassionate, caring, yet firm. Not one step back here. I want to keep learning.

ironically, my advice is rooted in compassion, but I believe it to be genuine advice. Stop comparing yourself to others. It's no use, and there is no greater enemy to your own freedom than social complacency/conformity. I know that you live in a Russian-speaking country, and understand that being in any way non-conforming is not an easy task. However, if you simply try to chase for becoming someone else, you will sacrifice your own priorities, opportunities, and uniqueness. Instead, make a plan that serves you first- whether that includes winning olympiads or not is up to you. But all these social achievements should not be a goal in itself. From my experience, once I was able to set goals that centered on my own needs and interests, I actually increased my achievements- my grades skyrocketed, and my skills in all areas of passion improved tremendously. But first, I had to do all of those things for myself. Not for the sake of achievement. Again, I understand that this is difficult for you given where you live. But, I still recommend doing what you can to avoid conformity as much as possible.

Hey! Welcome, glad to have you here, and I look forward to seeing your journey!!! Po

Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence... No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way. With that, I want to live by the following values today: - positive obsession // get things done - dreaming // see my path clearly - clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future - honesty // no lies to myself, or others - movement // do not stagnate, keep active Let's seize the day.

Day 1 - all good. some urges, but I know better. Onwards. My values are: - greater purpose- to lessen unnecessary suffering of all those around me // - whole-wellbeing // i am my environment - deviance // conformity is a slow death - integrity // unbreakable commitments - discipline // nourish routines - visioning // chart ahead, do not stumble - presence // no passivity - compassion // always breathe w/ kindness - obsession // do not settle for effort - clarity // act decisively - determination // do not surrender With that, I regret that today's morning has been rather slow (yet fast-passing). I did not set goals early on, I did not have a clear routine in mind, I did not create plans. Instead, I ran in circles trying to find an immediate solution to a large set of issues. Zoom out. Take the time to take the world in. Do not escape, do not narrow my vision- do not relapse ❤️

So, on Day 7- relapse. Did not set my values for that day, was two days journal-free, etc. . I am lacking a commitment to a stark routine, one that I will follow no matter what. Saturday, I simply forgot. Sunday, I spent all my day away from home. Still, I have such strong regret for relapsing. It is a significant hit to my values. I know I can do better. No more relapses. I want to be free- keep learning. I am missing a tremendous amount of discipline, commitment, and planning- and I am thankful to @Yan for helping me notice that. Onwards: My values are - whole-wellbeing (the combined health of community and myself) // as opposed to individualism - honesty, openness, and vulnerability - all interconnected and equally important // as opposed to closetedness - deviance // as opposed to conformity - integrity // as opposed to inconsistency - discipline // as opposed to discontinuity - visioning // as opposed to momentous - presence // as opposed to passivity - compassion // as opposed to apathy - obsession // as opposed to effort - clarity // as opposed to indecisiveness - determination // as opposed to inclination

Interesting! I do not trust my yesterday self enough to set expectations for my today self. I tend to plan first thing in the day, but not overnight. I do set larger goals/dreams/systems overnight, but not the day-to-day actions. Just some thoughts- you're amazing ❤️

My 2c on dieting: don't count calories, but commit to eating unprocessed, chemical-free foods. Yes, they're more expensive and give less "immediate" results. But everything, EVERYTHING else will result in significant health concerns later down the lane- decades later, but still. I remember keeping a complex diet in high school, when I was obsessed w/ growing muscle infinitely. Did I succeed? Yes. But I lost enjoyment in my meals and cooking, I lost that sacred connection to my inner digestion cycles (i.e. ate when I was not hungry) and I gained disdain for the very process of consuming food. Now, I have lost ~10lbs in muscle mass, but I feel so much fresher and at-home in my body. My food is a joy to both cook and eat. And, I eat foods that are beneficial to all of me, and when I am hungry- and therefore am at what I consider my "natural" weight. Some people would call that too lean, but it is what feels "right". I feel free, most importantly, of contemporary conventional beauty standards- and that on its own elevates my mental and social wellness to a whole new level.