Pochatok

Hope you'll find something useful in this journal ❤️ -- Gaming Nah, doesn't feel rewarding as much. I think that I don't mind gaming occasionally, but it has to be well thought-out and purposeful for me to actually want to come back to the experience. The game I play requires caution, patience, and good planning; if any of those are out of focus, I lose immediately. If I approach this correctly, this game would help me learn to prevent and anticipate mistakes better, but today's 25-min session was mostly frustrating. I am capping my "sessions" to 5 min, and only when I am alone in the room, and only past 8pm. Recap of the week Coming back to this again! Trying to do a bit of animation and composition daily, but in order to succeed at either by the end of 2022, I will need to prioritize them unevenly. Sad, but I do want to see results, and soon. Other than that, I've been noticing that I am not as effective as I can be, and it partially has to do with a rather relaxed approach to personal deadlines (and academic work is light too, I have to acknowledge). I hope to join online communities that will help me get more ambitious and passionate. Also, I am greatly enjoying sports and music. Got a performance this weekend! Effectiveness/Efficiency Takes time to rebuild this, but I'm trying to do a bit more every day. Every night and morning starts with reading. I have very solid routines. The core issue right now is my mindset to approaching certain tasks, as the anxiety of getting a job and building a career is getting more immediate day by day... But I will manage! Ambition is slowly coming back, but now I know that inspiration and motivation come from doing, not dreaming. I will keep doing. Relationships Some unexpected but very welcoming conversations took place with my partner yesterday, and I feel more secure, excited, and optimistic about our relationship than I've had in a few months. That feels great. I am struggling to support financially both myself and my family, and that is saddening a bit, but I know that it is a temporary problem that I will be able to resolve. Most important thing is to be there for my family as a person, and I hope to call them tomorrow night 🙂 Moving Forward Continuing to improve, however slowly. I think that at the core, my motivation is still not as high as it could be, but I also am doing very difficult, challenging work. What makes following my passions difficult, I think, is that I am not obliged to work on them, and neither will I create a visible, immediate positive impact, and those are the things that motivate me to outperform myself otherwise. But, the more I will do what I love, the more passion and motivation will come. It takes time, but I've done it in the past, and will do it again. -- Thank you for reading, fellow Quitter! Stay strong, and have a good rest of your day ❤️ Po

Lmao I feel you, I just did a presentation on why Yebenya Aesthetics at my school! It unfortunately is very difficult, especially right now, to dissociate Russia from politics, but it is a beautiful country with rich and fascinating culture. I am still glad to be Russian, and to share my culture and history with people around me, even though I no longer live there. I see! I'm sorry to hear that you're back into binge gaming, but I'm glad that you're safe. My family had to help evacuate a few of my friends because they did get called into the draft (also no military experience...). Also, I'm super happy to hear that you are able to leave the country easily if needed, that's a privilege not many have. I hope you'll be able to use it when needed.

Hope you find something useful in this journal entry. Thank you so much for reading ❤️ -- Gaming Urges are more insiduous at this point... I've played over 45 minutes on both Fri and Sat, but it was certainly a rewarding experience. I will cap it from now on, as while I'm enjoying actually having a good time while gaming (and am learning a lot about myself, practicing my ability to focus and remain calm, etc.), I don't want it to be bigger than any other activities. At the moment, I game more than I do HW/hobbies. That's not something I like to write about myself. Recap of the week Never happened..? This week started out with a lot of passion for animation, but then I had to subsidize that for homework and jobs as I started to drag behind the schedule... I will prioritize time tomorrow morning to work on this! Other than that, the week has been pretty fine. I'm not making time management mistakes pretty much at all- it feels good to not be forgetting about important meetings. I am late to almost everything though... Mobilization in Russia is horrifying still, and the more I hear from my family and the internet about what is actually going on (rather than what the gov/news is saying), the more directly I feel impacted and connected to this catastrophe. Effectiveness/Efficiency A bit better, but this week overall has been dipping low in self esteem and ability to feel good about myself. Have been practicing self-care and self-love more intentionally, aiming to do things that actually are good for me rather than things that make me feel good. Uninstalling games is an act of self care. Going to bed early is an act of self care. Hope to feel more motivated to do exciting and hard things next week. I am tired of doing small work; I want to feel as ambitious and grand as I did during the summer again. Relationships Shifted around my patterns a bit: lunch/dinner is more so my own time, but I'm seeing lots of people throughout the week! Will hang out with 2 friends tomorrow, have texted my best friend, and hang out with two other friends Thursday dinner. It does feel like a lot, but also feels like a very exciting and unique set of experiences to me. Things with my partner are ok, we both schedule things very differently this year and my partner is frustrated that we don't get to spend much time together. We hope to make some changes in the coming week. I miss them. Moving Forward I did a lot of visioning and journaling, and it sort of helped, but also did not. Something very important is missing, and I've been struggling to determine what it is for almost three weeks. I'm just not as motivated, and still am struggling to pick up those loose ends and get my research started. But, I have to acknowledge that this year is, just like any other, completely different from those before, and I'm dealing with new challenges. I hope to be true to myself and not become frustrated with games again. I want to be an animator, composer, good lover, and many other things, and that requires time. -- Thank you so much for reading, I hope that you will get time to take care of yourself today ❤️ Po

Hey Max, how are you? Did you end up leaving the country? Have you been drafted? If you're still in Russia and haven't been drafted, I hope that you'll be able to cross the borders to somewhere elsewhere soon.

Thank you for stopping by ❤️ I hope that you will find something useful for yourself in the entry below 🙂 I try to organize my journals in a way that encourages skimming and reflections on the past. Gaming That feeling continued to linger, even though changing gaming from a leisure activity to an exercise in focus and charisma (lol) helped quite a bit. I've decided to uninstall the game until the weekend. I plan to play for 20 min on Fri and Sat. If urges are too strong to regulate that, I will uninstall the game again, wipe all progress, and block the download site. Overall, it seems that moderation will come much more easily when making games actually will be my job, as then I'll have a completely different mindset about it. It seems that the way I classify the act of playing affects a lot what chemicals get into my brain 🙂 Recap of the week Still am, but classes are eating up a lot of my time even with a minimum amount of effort (which i hope to minimize further lol). Classes are great and I can feel myself be challenged every day in a multitude of ways. Extracurricular and jobs are currently at the periphery, and I only get to them in the evening. I will try to create a different schedule over the weekend so that my most passionate doings get priority. Other than that, the news in Russia are quite saddening, and my siblings have gotten COVID (fortunately, light). My partner and I are having the usual arguments, which is frustrating, but it will get better soon, as it always does. We have another couple counselling session today! Effectiveness/Efficiency Such a tight balance! Practicing music has been more distracted than usual because of how relaxed I am. Perhaps, besides reading more on this, part of the solution is not getting myself too comfortable, and instead creating an environment where I can upkeep focus while limiting stress. Relaxed =/= empty minded. Definitely want to start reading more again. Every time I sit down to read for 20-30 minutes, I get up with so much new knowledge! Another frustration is having entertainment balance out my hobbies. Right now, entertainment > hobbies, so when I have spare 10-20 minutes, I'll default to the former. I keep meaning to start pouring more time into my hobbies, but those 10-15 minutes I could use are usually spent browsing through internet. Was it different before? Hmm, I guess it was simply different! Distractions were more contained, but it all comes down to taking proper breaks when I am stressed out, and doing entertainment when I'm in a more stable, relaxed space. Relationships So much to improve upon here! Both me and my partner tend to put our frustrations and anger in front of kindness and understanding. I think that it's a very long process of unlearning, but hope that we will start seeing concrete progress soon. Hope to call my family tonight and see more friends in the coming weeks. I've been pretty social, seeing people at lunch/dinner every day and hanging out 1-1 a couple times per week, but there are many friends who I still don't see much 😞 Moving Forward Sike. This weekend is less loaded, but at this point I am still learning to balance and plan my academic life. I very much want to get to publishing my research, applying for grants, scholarships, and catch up with some long-forgotten projects. Perhaps, I can try to desire all these things a bit more, and, perhaps, my priorities will change with that. I hope to balance my time between what I think is important and what I am passionate about better in the coming week, and to feel more secure and happy about my romantic relationship. Thank you for reading! Hope that you've found something inspiring or helpful in this entry. Po ❤️

Oh no! My heart is hurting quite a bit, I'm so sorry to hear that you -and many of my friends in Russia- are getting drafted. It sucks even more that you are already in the reserve... I really hope that this week's entries aren't the last time I hear from you. I'm glad you're continuing to be resilient even in the face of such difficult circumstances.

Awhhh shoot, same here! I only do calisthenics now because I ruined my kneecaps and a few other joints. Lifting weights is too risky. Hey! Just remember that this is only a feeling, not a fact! You might be feeling this way now, and that's totally valid, and you're going to feel better in the future. If it is possible for other people just like you, it is possible for you too. You are on your own journey; I think that if I wasn't so privilieged to attend one of America's better universities, I would be still addicted. You have a very different environment that does influence the speed at which you can fight the addiction. It's not all your fault, because so many factors are outside of your control (or you might not even know about them). But you can, and will succeed, if you give yourself enough time and love and understanding. Your addiction does not define who you are or who you can be! Hope that this will give you some strength to keep going ❤️ Po

Feeling a bit anxious as it's late and I still haven't gotten to my HW... But, this reflection is also extremely important to me and I do not wish to put it off any longer. I smiled, stretched, stood up and sat back down. Now I'm feeling excited for this! Gaming Woah! I did end up downloading and installing it, just a couple days ago (and, sike, because Minecraft is not "fun" enough). Now, I've been limiting myself pretty strictly to 15-20 minutes, but while the initial few days have been positive, I'm already starting to feel addicted. It's extremely frustrating that I'm not able to enjoy any more fun, exciting games without getting addicted. I'll install an additional set of limitations, and if that still leaves me feeling stressed, will uninstall the game. As someone who wants to work in the video game industry, I would like to be able to enjoy playing without becoming addicted. Perhaps, changing my reason for playing games into a more professional-oriented activity would help? Right now, I'm seeing it as entertainment, and that could be feeding into addictive behaviours. I'm still commited to living an addiction-free life. If this doesn't get better by next entry, I will uninstall everything and erase all data🙂 Recap of the week Regained the routines, but need to work on goals to feel more motivated. I remember, early in the summer, I would wake up feeling genuinely excited to engage in the same activities that feel like a chore now. Anyways, school has started! Funny enough, it no longer feels that big- I'm enjoying work much more than classes (even though they're great), and hope to take on more awesome jobs soon. We'll see if my priorities change in the coming weeks. Made a budget for the year, and it seems that I need to apply -and win- some scholarships! A good motivator to be doing more artistic stuff again lol Effectiveness/Efficiency Better here! All it takes, really, is having a more efficiency-oriented mindset, where the only important thing in the process is the goal itself. In other words, I don't worry as much about having a perfect route towards the destination, and only correct my route if I'm experiencing stress/frustration. In terms of practicing music and exercising, this has been giving me amazing results. Relationships Ey, had a couple counselling session to work exactly on this issue, and it has gotten better! I do feel a bit out of my skin when saying things differently from how I usually say them, but I hope it's just a matter of getting used to... being kinder, lol. Also, visited my family, and was super happy to see one of my parents act much more positive. While they're still struggling with many things (and I hope to help), being around my family now is an overwhelmingly positive experience. I'm so grateful for the collaborative work on improving our relationships within family- thank you parents, siblings, and friends! Moving Forward AAA Still haven't done it, but it seems like it will be okay now? I will for sure have time for this over the weekend, and the motivation is there again now that I'm interacting again with the people who I consult on these projects. Too true still, it takes a lot of thinkfeeling to get myself more precisely motivated for doing any creative work. I don't want to let it slip away from me. But my biggest worry is regaining my addictive behaviours and losing my general sense of motivation for real life. I might be too paranoid... Thank you for reading! Hope that you've found something inspiring or helpful in this entry. Po ❤️

Haha, get those dreams from time to time to! Unfortunately, the dreams are extremely positive experiences and I wake up feeling bitter that in real-life gaming is so polluted with addictive patterns and mechanics.

So happy you're making progress! There are definitely phases where the cravings change character and you feel like addiction is no longer there... But it takes so much longer to wear off, unfortunately, and it's important to persist on the detox 🙂 I've had multiple points (about 7 months into the detox, for example) where I also experienced something that wasn't quite a craving... As soon as I'd start playing, convinced that because it didn't feel like a craving things would be fine, addiction would make a return. Keep at it!

Hi! I second Wildermyth's points. It's a long journey, and I'm not sure if there are shortcuts. It took me a very long time to not feel that way about gaming content on social media. If you use Chrome, there's a super useful extension called "UnDistracted". It blocks out a lot of different content types (comments, feed, suggestions, etc.) across multiple sites. Reduced my urge to watch addictive content because it simply made it unacessible.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's such valuable insight into how different our experiences with gaming addiction can be. I'm happy that you're able to reason and analyse yourself so deeply, and hope it helps in reducing the addictive behaviours!

What do you find beneficial to you or others in writing blogs? I've done it for a bit, and just ended up feeling discouraged cuz it didn't seem to leave any impact on people around me...

Hmm, it has worked out for me! I do think that as an approach to treat addiction it is uneffective, but I've come back to casual gaming (<20min/day) and it actually leaves me feeling good. There are two multiple sides of the coin to any activity, and categorizing anything as either "good" or "bad" limits very much the ability to understand what that thing truly is. I'm curious of your definition of "becoming stronger": what does increase in strength look like to you across different activities? I do agree with your point about becoming a leader 100%, leadership skills are key to thriving in modern environments imo.

Eyy! Same for me, the less I game the less excuses I have to not read every day. I also find podcasts/audiobooks much more appealing, but the amount of knowledge and insight reading provides makes it worth my time. Also, your set up is damn hot! That looks so cozy!

Hey! Have you thought of making your journal entries a bit more detailed (and maybe less frequent?). For me, using this forum as a space to reflect and analyze turned out to be extremely helpful 🙂

First, let's get into the right environment! Get some water, clean up my desk... Stretch wide, get into the most energetic posture... Let's get started! Gaming Been getting into more addictive loops with this game. It is not addictive by design, but I'm so effective at setting up my own goals that it becomes quite difficult to stop playing at the clock. I'll apply the general rule of habit building from Atomic Habits, "it's okay to slip up once, but once you repeat the same mistake, it becomes a pattern." And those are hard to break. Other than that, still have a very strong urge to reinstall games- almost downloaded one yesterday, stopped myself halfway through. Other historically harmful habits are also resurfacing; I've been simply taking it as a sign that I need more concrete (time and scope-wise) goals and routines. At the moment, it feels like I have "nothing" to do, and so timesinking into games feels just right. Recap of the week Now I know that I felt that way largely because I quit most of my routines and lost track of goals. Today and tomorrow, I'll be spending a large portion of my day rebuilding them. My job has finally concluded, and I'm incredibly happy with it! I've learned a ton, and made more impact than ever. From now on, I'll seek out more executive-level positions. The amount of creativity and individuality I get to employ at such a global level of impact is an incredible experience... How am I feeling right now While it feels great to not be burdened by shame for not being too productive, I've totally forgotten that this same feeling is what got me addicted. I'd give myself the excuse to play games, browse internet, and engage in other potentially harmful, stressful behaviours through saying, "there is still so much time in the day left". Truth is, time is not important, and I don't ever want to use it as an excuse, be it "too little time" or "too much time". What matters is my internal motivators to do _ rather than _ . I've been overlooking motivation, and while I am not feeling bad over spending lots of time simply feeling good, indulging in those patterns any longer will begin to cause me stress. Otherwise, I'm feeling good haha. It's a fine morning. I am improving my sleep schedule and morning routines, and that always feels great. Love waking up feeling good! Effectiveness Still in the process of kicking in, I guess? I'm feeling less stressed about work, but I feel like it's because there is less work. There is still so much to work on when it comes to dealing with frustrations and stress factors as soon as they're on the horizon instead of when they're hovering right over me... Relationships So much to work on when it comes to having arguments with my partner... While we're doing great when, uh, things are great, I struggle greatly to comfort my partner when they are stressed. That often leads to some serious conflicts. We're gonna use our college student privilege and get a group counselling session; hope that will help. If looking beyond my partner and I's relationship, things are great. I feel very comfortable hanging with all kinds of people, and while I still prefer to be on my own, my social anxieties are having a historic low. Kudos to all the organizations I've been a part of this summer, they forced me out of my comfort zone and helped me adapt to, but also appreciate being more extroverted. Moving Forward Oops haha. Gotta get to that ASAP, or else I'll have to pay out of pocket for a study abroad class... I'm excited to be getting into a whole new year of learning, meeting people, creating awesome projects that I absolutely despise the process of, and simply being student. But, I fear that I'll lose sight of my bigger goals again, and will end up dropping them for other projects. My desire to be an animator/sound designer is strong, but easily undermined... Time wil tell! Thank you for reading, and I hope you can find some joy in the memories you've made today ❤️ Po

Hey, totally feel you on that whack-a-mole experience with additctions. For me, learning to accept boredom and use it to my advantage has been quite helpful. I've been experiencing lots of urges to restart gaming lately, going all the way to downloading a game and then withdrawing the last moment. What helped me was acknowleding that I am a) bored and b) not interested in doing anything "productive". Truth is, everything you do (including literally laying down and being bored) can be incredibly productive if you let it be. Not everything has to add up directly towards your goals, but everything does trickle down into them one way or another. It very much depends on our perception of what's going on. Learning to take boredom as an opportunity to reflect, recenter, and regain energy has helped me reduce my urges towards addictive behaviour with the least amount of effort and stress. Before, I'd try to force myself to be hyper-productive, burying the urges in work. While it worked, it ultimately did not help my motivation or lowered my stress, and only led to more boredom, which I did not know how to cope with. Let me know what you think! Po

First, I'd like to take a deep breath and reassess how my environment is influencing me right now... Took a sip of water, changed some of the lights on my desk... Both feet on the floor, one deep breath... Let's get started! Gaming With games that have little extrinsic motivation, this has been a joy to practice. Even 3 minutes of Minecraft can be spent in a way that strongly improves my emotional state. But attempting to play an FPS causes me to feel frustrated about the time wasted... Funny enough, I literally had a long dream tonight about playing an MMO, but as soon as I think of all the timesinks any and all of those games include, my excitement is lost 😆 I hope to continue to carry this thought with me: the long-term consequences outweigh the immediate benefits when it comes to addictive games. With how my personality currently is, self-control against addictive mechanics is draining. Recap of the week Realised that I've forgotten a core value of mine in the last couple of weeks: make no pride in doing my work, let others bring in the praise (if they have any). Making whatever I'm doing seem big and important shifts it into something scary, challenging, overwhelming. One of my family members is ridiculously successful and I aspire to them every day, but they always say "eh, it's all easy and boring and no big deal". Anyways, this week has been a bit easier on me. I'm not feeling as busy, and have actually enjoyed some free time. It no longer feels like a 24/7 rush hour, and that helps me look ahead instead of being stuck in the 5 seconds that just passed. My partner and I just passed our 3rd anniversarry, which is something I almost forgot -_- Haven't had much time to work on sound design, but it's slowly coming back into my routines. How am I feeling right now Still don't keep this in my head often enough, though other lessons from "The Myth of Charisma" have been getting into my day-to-day happenings more steadily! I'm feeling pretty calm right now; recently, I saw the quote "your value is not determined by your productivity", and it has stuck with me good! Every time I say that, I suddenly feel that there are another 20 hours in my day and I can take some time to read a book or be with my partner... Quotes can do wonders! Effectiveness Going back to the fundamental approach of "enjoying the process -> entering the flow -> preventing/reacting early to frustrations -> staying in the flow -> best results" has been very helpful, though it's hard to not feel guilty for not being 100% effective right away. This approach takes time to kick in, but I know that the longer term results can be phenomenal. And, I am actually not feeling super stressed and tired at the end of the day, what?!?! Relationships Still rings true, and now there is a bit of guilt for taking the time to cuddle in the morning with my partner... Simply put, fuck capitalism and the workaholic culture. I'll try to focus more on having a reasonable excuse to stay in bed for 10-20 more minutes while feeling excited to get out of bed. Not feeling well when getting out of bed is the worst, and it affects how I treat my partner for the rest of the day 😞 Also, my family came for a visit, which was super nice! Everyone was very kind and chill, and it was just a great weekend overall. I hope that they all are doing just as fine at home, however; this was a very good weekend, but I doubt that it's the same when they come back home from a 12-hour workday... Moving Forward Somewhat true! I am trying to balance my wellbeing with positive discipline and not let my routines slip away too far. Building Habits is a big goal of mine, and taking more than 1-3 days off from any routine is harmful to that. I hope to spend even more time reading, get better at prioritizing and organizing my day, and stop avoiding larger, looming projects (like publishing my research). Thank you so much for reading ❤️ Po

Thank you for your warm comments ❤️ Hearing that you aspire to some of my qualities makes me want to keep doing my best! I wouldn't say I'm very disciplined, it's just that I've become very passionate about doing things that many other people find boring/difficult. As for maturity, I'm the oldest sibling in a 1st-gen immigrant family, so I kinda had no choice lol... It is something that just comes with emracing and experiencing lots of different situations, which acquiring maturity is a journey unique to every individual. Take your time 🙂 Cult of the Lamb looks super interesting, I remember seeing a trailer months ago..? Honestly, the game seems a bit too fun for me lol. I have been sticking to very intristic games (i.e. lack of rewards/objectives) like Minecraft, and am totally with you in avoiding multiplayer, competitive stuff. As much as I want it to be otherwise, being easily drawn into addictive mechanics in any activity (sports included 😞) is an inherent part of my personality. Is that true for you too, at all? Thank you again Max ❤️

I'm back! The last few weeks have picked up greatly in the busy-ness of things, but it's settling down to stable (if intense) rhythms. Gaming With how busy I've gotten, it's been easier to manage this! However, at times it gets to the other side of the coin- I feel like there is not enough time to play. Been approaching this issue by trying to enjoy every moment of playing a game instead of pursuing a "goal". The more I'm getting into sound design, the more it seems that I will need to start playing games more; I'm not afraid though 🙂 Recap of the week I've decided to cut on my visual creative productions for now, sadly. I've been splitting myself quite thin for most of August, and there are a few concrete goals I want to meet. There is no success without a couple sacrifices, even if they are temporary. Speaking of sacrifices.... Nah, that's a bad segway. Anyways, I've been doing okay otherwise. I'm taking on a huge (but not well-paid) job right now, and doing it very well. My partner and I are very busy and don't spend much time together, but I don't feel like it is affecting our relationship all that much, fortunately. Been thinking of calling my family for a few evenings now, and every time something else comes up... How am I feeling right now Alright. I've slept for at least 8.5 hours today but am still feeling very tired. It's frustrating. I miss feeling energetic and excited when I wake up, but I think that it is partially tied down to bad weather and avoidance of a healthy morning routine. I am excited for today, however- I will get to work on lots of exciting things I've been putting off until now. Effectiveness Rings true even more- yesterday I played sports for the first time in a while, and noticed how much negative talk was spilling out... Excited to tackle this, but the amount of stress I am dropping on myself with this complicated habit is frustrating. I just want to enjoy things -_- Relationships Been getting much practice in this regard. My ability to project warmth and confidence have definitely increased, and so has my comfort with meeting new people and public speaking. I do think that I have not been able to see many friends or call family due to how I'm prioritizing my day lately, which isn't great, but otherwise I am feeling very good socially. When I am confident and comfortable, other people act that way towards me to. The more I'll remember this, the easier will creating successful interactions with others become. Moving Forward Weather has been fucking great. I miss the sunny days, but it's finally peaceful and breezy. Lmao, I was so taken off-guard when my new job stared! Killed my passion for life for a couple hours for sure. I've given up now on having a very stable routine, because my wellbeing has to come first. I try to fit in as much as I can into a day, but am not focusing on being the most effective self as that can be draining. There is certainly room for improvement in stress management, and I will try to set concrete goals for the coming week in that area at 11AM today. Thank you for reading! Po

Haha yes, we had the longest exchange of affirmations and compliments. That friend goes by "she".

Awhh thank you! glad you're doing well 🙂 I also took a long pause from GQ, but will be posting an update soon. Let's keep each other accountable!

Another week, another round of Updates! As always, please skim through this to find something that's useful for you :) Gaming Works so far! Occasionally play the FPS (<10min/day) on non-personal computers as a way to recharge during work, but it's still a bit obsessive. Been playing other games that are much more intristic (Minecraft, FixFox) and less addictive as a way to relax (but not the only way to relax). That also adds up to ~10mins/day on average, and I'm very happy with that balance. Managing my time well with games is very empowering, but managing it poorly is devastating- I will make sure to be aware of this duality. Recap of the week: Better there! Very glad that my job has ended lol, I'm back to the boring Office stuff at my Uni that I love so much 🙂 Designing a website, scheduling a Summer Camp in its entirety, and organizing so many small things... super exciting! My personal goals haven't been as great though- slowed down greatly on Instagram posts, doing much less visual-focused studies overall... I need a prolific art community to join! And, my online course ended today, which means it's time to look for another one! Exciting but also a bit nervous times of looking for new opportunities... How am I feeling right now Alright. First time having issues with pornography in quite a long time; I'm moving past those issues quicker, but they still sting. And, I'm lagging behind on some of my habits- my goals whiteboard has not been touched in a few days... I'm always in a rush to get the most basic daily practice done, but work and other responsibilities keep turning it from a peaceful period to an (exciting but tiring) rush. Effectiveness "Perfection is the slowest way to perfection" Definitely better at pacing myself throughout the day as I'm focusing more on enjoying the task (as that = doing my best). Nearly all of my stress comes from deeply internalized, nearly subcounscious, very quiet negative self-talk or short-circuiting mindsets. The more I continue to learn about my own psychology, the better I get at noticing these issues, the more capable I am of tackling them. I guess what's bothering me most right now is that I do not have clear goals set. I hope to get to that soon. Relationships We're doing better 🙂 Scheduled a couple therapy session for three weeks from now (much privilege, very fortunate to have that at my school), and have been much more caring and careful towards each other. Other than that, got the most warming, kindest letter from a friend; it made my day, I'm so fortunate to have someone like them in my life. One thing though, is I'm still quite socially anxious in so many situations. It seems that my level of comfort and confidence decreases super quickly without practice; every fall I pick up things from 0. I understand why things are this way, but hope to learn to not be caught so off-guard and experience so much stress with this. Moving Forward Weather got better lol. Still there haha, I much prefer to sleep in because I wake up tired. But it's one of the costs of living with my partner that I'm fine with, I guess? I'm not too tired, just not as energetic throughout the day. Other than that, I hope to not be taken off-guard by things that are not in my daily routine, be more engaged and kind towards people I see on a daily basis, and read more. Thank you so much for being here ❤️ Po

I think you're already doing this, so feel free to skip through this ramble 🙂 Whenever I also feel suprised by a negatively-feeling action that I took, I try to look more deeply into my past experiences that could have led me to this moment. This way, that negatively-experienced action suddenly feels a lot more authentic to me, and that alleviates a lot of guilt and detachment. Aaccepting how much all of my issues and complexities really belong to me because of my past changes the process from erasure to replacement of whatever those issues are, and in a much more positive way, imo. So hard to break through! Something that has helped me, bit by bit, was simply re-arranging the furniture in my room whenever I would relapse. Even a minor rearrangement of what chair I sit on or where my PC is positioned on my desk help chip away at that habit. For me, moving my PC to a more public place (as I feel a lot of guilt playing video games in public lol) helped tremendously; I always keep it by the window (so that people passing outside help me avoid cravings) or in the guest room (when at home).