Icandothis

Your post is very interesting. Stoicism is great... if we are all 100% spiritual beings. But we are human, and we have needs, and we live in a physical manifestation with limitations. There is a balance between human - being. Animal - spirit. Yes accept your situation and do not judge it. But please make changes, as I feel as if you are being taken advantage of. Hope things get better. Have a beautiful day.

Hi my friend, You are being held and supported. I talked with a connection of mine who is also a therapist. She said one of the top things people struggle with is connection. I mean look at this... we are staring at screens trying to have some type of friendship with one another!! It’s crazy. I hope you can find someone in real life who sees you and supports you. My therapist has been amazing. A good therapist will hold space for you... and provide a safe environment for all your emotions to come out. Wish I could give you a real hug... but I guess a virtual one will have to do. You are loved and not alone my friend.

Hi!! Thank you deeply as always for your comment. I feel as if our stories are very similar and that is why we relate so well. I think one thing that is very important and often overlooked is that relationships should build slowly. The beginning phase is filled with infatuation and all the bonding hormones. After all this has worn off do you see a person truly. How you communicate what their core values are. A sense of how they treat others, are they responsible.... The list goes on. Yes I am still thinking about the male/female dynamic. Was I having a bad day and projecting onto them? Were they having a bad day? I sent good intentions to both of them. This is symbolic of an underlying issue, where I just don’t see women supporting other women. Although today I felt very supported my a number of women I had interactions with. So maybe it was within that setting of a government funded office, ... I digress. We can only control ourselves. Thank you as always for seeing me. You are a beautiful person.

Hi! I am glad you are so emotionally and mentally healthy at such a young age. It’s true what you say about like attracting like. And to be honest when I first met my partner , I had zero self awareness. But then when he left me, my ego cracked... and I experienced a tremendous amount of growth. When he came back... I saw how very different we were. Your comment resonates very deeply. Thank you for being here.

Hi! I would just search “polyvagal” theory and a bunch of images pop up. Thank you for being here and your support.

Hi! Started tracking on an app. Will post here for accountability as well. Day 1

Thank you for your comments. Being raw on here helps me recognize patterns and cycles. One thing I have noticed is I can never commit to anything I say. I am really good at getting rid of things in my life.... but not good at keeping with a habit. I have noticed on my journal where I say ,” I will do yoga everyday!” Or , “ I will do chanting everyday!” Or, “ I will pray everyday”. I do a routine for 3 days and then I feel good, and then I drop it for 2 days and feel crappy. Then I pick up for 3 days and feel good and then feel crappy again. This is BS. What is blocking me from committing to these lifestyle changes? What am I missing? I know I am supposed to have compassion for myself. And be gentle. But I also want to affect change. So today. Day 1 of cold showers. If anyone has advice on keeping habits, please share. I am deeply grateful. Also, I am processing the above comments and will post in a bit. It’s the introvert in me. Thank you for holding space for me again and again and again.

Setting boundaries and keeping them is hard for me. Today I grounded myself and am showing up. More job opportunities are coming my way. Everything is happening so fast. There is a job that offers daycare. There is a job that suits my background in the health care industry/ corporate finance. But I am waiting for interviews. My partner is acting like the victim as always. I cannot wait until this is over. I read so many on here wanting a relationship... please just make sure it’s with a healthy person. Hold the vision. Slowly everything is changing. Thank you for listening.

Hi! Yes it can be draining reading through others journals. Sometimes it good to connect with people on here and sometimes it’s just best to focus on yourself. Just do what feels right to you. On your goals did I read that right? You want a girlfriend by 4 days ago? When it comes to dating, things cannot be rushed or pressured. We sorta have to trust God and His timing. I get bible verses everyday, I thought today’s might be helpful. Matthew 11:28 “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest”. Take care my friend. Talk soon.

Yesterday was a hard day. I left yesterday morning without grounding myself. I do this every morning in many ways, prayer, meditation, deep breathing, chanting, a bit of yoga. But yesterday I did not. I went to my morning appointment and then later I went to speak with a social worker. I just going to say this.... men treat me a lot better then women do. My last visit with a social worker was great, he provided me with resources, listened to me, gave me assistance. This lady was awful. She kept interrogating me, shaking her head, rolling her eyes, giving me deep sighs. And then after that 1 hour long visit, she sent me to another lady who was just as rude. Gave me some family stability assessment... but then she said she could not help with areas of need, she could only identify them. I just told her I don’t need someone else to point out where need help, but not actually be able to help me. The whole thing just threw me off. I came home and started crying. This is another reminder for me that before I go out in the morning, I need to fill myself up emotionally first. Gain strength from a source of peace and joy. Prioritize meeting with God before I meet with the world. Everything is still up in the air and that is ok. It’s funny on LinkedIn most of my contacts are male... they have just been the ones to accept my requests. So I have been noticing... when do I feel expansive and joyful and when do I feel contraction and fear. This document really helps me. I am not sure if it will upload correctly, but basically shows the window of tolerance for where I need to be in order to connect, grow and be joyful. If I become unregulated due to, in my case fear, shame or a trauma trigger... I immediately shut down, I want to isolate, numb and dissociate. It will take me about an hour to become regulated again. I have been told, the objective is not to avoid being triggered, but to increase my window of tolerance as to what makes be become unregulated, through self care, compassion, yoga and loving kindness. I am growing, and it’s scary and it will probably forever be scary. I remind the scared part of myself that we are safe. And we are ok. And we are loved. Instead of hiding from the feeling of pain and loneliness, I lean into it... towards the feeling. Everything comes in waves and that is ok. I am learning, growing and noticing. And if you are still here... thank you for listening!!! You are a beautiful being. Talk soon.

Feeling expansive. Have a beautiful day my friends!

Together we rise. I don’t even recognize the person I was just a year ago. I have come so far... we all have. On a personal note: this is the first time I have had a journal on a public forum. I have been noticing some trends in my posts - that reflect the timing of my cycles during the month. I am becoming more aware of this... and observing my thoughts and emotions during these intense cycles. Also, I have been updating my LinkedIn account. Reconnecting with people from college and previous jobs. It’s great to catch up with everyone and see how they have been. Thank you for listening. Have a beautiful day.

I am so sorry about your date. That was incredibly rude of her not to text you back for 4 days. Yes, please just move on from her. You need someone to lift you up... not leave you in confusion. Otherwise your week seems to have been wonderful. The rock climbing gym seems to be a great source of community for you. That is so wonderful. Btw, have you seen Free Solo? I have not, but it’s supposedly really good. You are doing so great. Also, please hang out with some friends this weekend. From previous posts, when you are alone on the weekends things get really tough. Sending joy my friend. You deserve it. Talk soon.

Thank you @BooksandTrees for standing by me through all of this. I would never have realized what is possible.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Y’all I feel free. I woke up today feeling really great. I now realize how much emotional pain I have been carrying. I am writing out this part of my story because it helps me process. When my partner left me, I started dating someone else. He fell in love with me and I was in love with him. When my ex came back I was so confused. I loved my new guy so much, and I wanted my kids to have their father back. This is what I call my affair. I was so torn, what do I do. Every day I was with these 2 men, my heart broke and my soul was shattered. The lies and deceit on my part... it devastated me. I just loved the new guy and it was very selfish of me to keep him in my life during this time. If I knew what I knew now, I would never have let my partner come back after he left. But at the time my partner was kind, compassionate, and seemed to really want to restore our family. Finally, after a long time, the new guy and I broke up. This break up was one of the biggest devastations for me... and it has taken a long time to get over. Everyday with out him, I felt like I was getting punched in the stomach. The pain was excruciating. And now the pain, well it has subsided a ton. And the pain from my partners affairs have ended. And the pain from the fact that my partner said he never loved me is gone. When my partner and I do split, I feel as if it won’t be painful.... and we have already been split up twice before. It will emotionally impact the kids....but in the long run I think they will be happy to be away from him. One of the biggest reasons I did not want to leave my partner was because he was providing us a house. Now that we are living in an apartment that the kids don’t like, the kids won’t feel like they are “losing” anything when we have to leave this apartment. My friends have asked if I will go back to the new guy and the answer is no. I know once there have been transgressions and pain in a relationship, it’s impossible to restore the love. My focus which has been on these two men, and my kids of course, has shifted to me. What do I want for my life. Everything looks clearer, brighter. Today I had a recruiter contact me for a position at a big company. This company has onsite daycare so this might help solve my daycare problems. It was not raining so I walked my son to his local gymnastics class. And we had coffee and quiche on the way home. I went to my daughters school as she was being honored for her trustworthiness. Just keep going. Just keep breathing. Doing the best I can. Keep loving and trusting myself. Keep loving GOD, staying in the present moment. Keep having forgiveness and compassion for others. Things will work out. Things will come together. I have been hurt and deceived and abused. But we will come out of this. If you are still with me, sorry this is all over the place and thank you for listening.

Those cinnamon rolls look amazing. How did they turn out?! Can you send us some! 😉

Hi! I am so sorry you are feeling bad my friend. Change IS hard. Our mind wants to keep us safe and comfortable and protected. When you are growing you will always experience pain as well. From what I’ve read, you need to make 1 small change at a time. Focus on what is really a priority first. For you, that seems to be studying. Work on this shift for 30 days, and then layer another shift. I hope this helps. You are doing great. Don’t give up... just keep putting in the effort. Have a beautiful day my friend.

I love your photos! Thanks for sharing!!! Can I ask where you went in Colorado? It looks beautiful. 😊

Hi, I am catching up on your thread. How is your SO doing? It’s extremely brave of her to come to you with these feelings and it shows the trust she has with you. One thing that is helpful is a safety plan. When these overwhelming feelings come up, is there a safe place she can go to. Who can she call? Is there a sensory item she can have, a stress ball, lavender oil, blanket... that can ground her in her body. Maybe just give her one of these items as a present. Also, from a women’s perspective, our hormones have a lot to do with suicidal feelings. Please be sensitive to this. It may be especially hard during winter season or certain times of the month. I hope this is helpful. Talk soon my friend.

Hi my friends, I have been finding more joy in my life. Over the past couple of days, I realized how angry I was. And I have every right to be angry, but I am sorta trying to let that go. I know a lot of us on here are going thru changes and experiencing anxiety. One thing that I have found that works.... that really works for me... is epsom salt bath. It’s pretty inexpensive but it relaxes my whole body. Please try one... and see if it works for you too!! Ok so change is just crappy. Doing something new.... anything new.... I have to fight my egoic brain. People will laugh at me, people will think I am stupid, too old, too messed up. The fear is so real. When I feel that way, I think to a yoga class a couple years ago. Every yogi in there was super advanced in asana. I was trying a forearm balance I could not get. The teacher stopped the class and had everyone look at me.... I was so embarrassed. She told me to go upside down.... in a room of 50 people... and I was just dying on the inside. But I focused on my breath, listened to her instructions, and was able to halfway do the pose. When I came down, everyone started clapping for me. It was such a loving, supportive and nurturing environment. When I am facing new challenges, I just remember the room, the support, the love I felt there..and hold onto that. Hold onto my breath, hold onto love, love God. My daily reminder, and I create this new life.

Hi! That’s ok on the meditation. Just start again today. 🙂 Look you’re already on day 61 of no gaming! That’s pretty awesome. Yes, I agree, a hobby that allows you to express your emotions would be wonderful. I have a simple drawing book and some pastels. Take care my friend.

Hi my friend.... So sorry you are going thru this. I would really find things you enjoy doing and do that as often as possible. Make your own 3D creations. Read books you really love. Maybe find a recipe book with amazing pictures for inspiration. We have to have some joy in our lives. A Dharma, a purpose. Or else everything just becomes monotonous. What motivates you, or drives you when you wake up? You are doing so great, I really think you are just too hard on yourself. I hope this helps. Sending hugs and energy and hope my friend. Talk soon.

Lack of love Lack of life My life sucks and I was going to come on here and write a huge post about how everything is horrible. Then I found out Kobe Bryant died. He had everything, but his time here on earth was cut extremely short. Sending prayers to his family. So what do I do? I still have breath in my lungs and I am here for a reason. Even though everything looks dark, I will continue to love God and love others the best I can. I have 3 beautiful children to love and share joy with. I have a peace that passes understanding. One moment at a time. Love God. Love others. Just keep breathing and hoping and praying and loving. Thank you for listening.

Thank you my friends. My story, especially related to my partner, is full of so many twists and turns. Over the years so many people have given me different advice: stay for the kids, or I would have left years ago, or work on your reaction to his behavior, or I would never have dated a man like that, or he is a good person who made one mistake. Everyone has their own life experiences and perspectives as do I. It has taken me a long time to figure out what my truth is. The reality of the situation sucks tho. From past experiences, I know that once we separate he will never see the kids. By his own choice. I don’t know what kind of man would not want to see his own children. The more I look at his behavior, the more I realize how sick he is. Also, I will be receiving no financial help from him. His extremely wealthy family is supporting us now, and once we are separated they have no legal obligation to support us anymore. It is extremely frustrating to have my hands tied, and even though I have job offers, I cannot move forward without child care. Maybe it is to teach me a lesson of empathy for the many others who do not have self agency in their lives. Doing my best to focus on what I can control, finding joy in the present moment, and being thankful for everything I do have. I made some roasted beet bisque soup that is warming my soul. Thank you for listening.

On community. I was not able to stay off Instagram. It is so very obvious my need for community and real relationships. I made myself a promise back in my journal that I would commit to doing in shala yoga practice 1x per week. That has not happened. Looking back on the times that I have felt most connected and loved, I had several points of connection. In Texas, I had my school friends, neighbors, church, yoga, swimming, gymnastics. Here in the PNW, I have neighbors and school friends... but I have not been able to resonate with the other spaces I have been to. Or they are too far away. The shala I visited the other day is quite far.... so I don’t think that’s feasible to build community there. As soon as this whole income thing sorts itself out, having a community will be a top priority for where we move to. Also, I have been thinking about something a friend said to me. She said that I should give my partner another chance. I try to give people grace as they do not know the whole story. He has left me twice, cheated on me and basically checked out of the whole relationship. I took him back because I thought the kids would be happier having their dad.... but he is so resentful and unhappy towards me that it’s creates a really unhealthy environment. Comments like this really trigger me. Maybe because I want to blame him for everything. Doing my best to accept my part in this as well. All I can say, is that when he came back I did my part to invest in him physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And he did nothing to invest in me. My therapist said it best, “ It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but he’s gotta put some effort into the relationship”. Again, I am not sure why I am so defensive around this.... looking into this. After looking at this... I am so very aware that my thoughts are everywhere and I need to pray and meditate more. Grrrr. Thank you for being here and have a beautiful day!!!!