Ikar

Day 297: I read, got through mails, did Russian, worked a bit on my web and then watched some old Peterson podcasts, which is something I haven't done in a while. I found myself somewhat restless during the day, so I found some solace going back to the basics to keep me grounded. Since yesterday, there are weekly quizzes where I met some people I met way back when at the New Year's Eve. The highlight of the night is me talking to one girl and noticing she was playing with her hair. I still need to work on my conversation skills and vigilance though.

I started experimenting with spreadsheets way back at the end of 2016 and I'm still not at the point where I would have my days fully lined up. I do that as well, although I'm not trying to increase my goals daily but every couple of days. It is a good thing to do.

Hope all is well, didn't see you here or on Duo for a bit!

Good point. I definitely got aroused by some game characters as well. It is extremely hard not to, because it goes against our (at least male) nature. I think it was in one of Manson's articles where I read that everything that can turns into a soft-core version of porn over time. If it doesn't have the physical aspect we can see to arouse us (women in series, games etc.), then it at least arouses us psychologically (e.g. news - the bulwark of negativity). It gets the eyeballs and it sells. So then, after getting our fix, we're satisfied. So after giving our attention to porn, we do not give that attention and start talking to that nice looking woman that happened to be near us for a while. Porn can't judge us. It won't call us a creep for admiring women that look good. It has a 0% rejection rate as well. In a relationship, I think that's why many women equate porn and infidelity. They want you to want them and nobody else. I went to the gym yesterday and there happened to be one nice looking girl exercising as well. We were alone. I made the point that if I am to spend the next 30-45 minutes exercising in the same room, I'd rather stop pretending that she doesn't interest me at all (while using all my willpower on it and still taking nervous glances at her), so I spoke with her in the end. I could've done the inverse, as some sort of a "test of willpower", but I feel that sort of tactical win would go against the strategic goal of me getting into a relationship. Long story short, staring is impolite (porn), talking to other human being that intrigues you (women) in order to create an interesting experience for both of you is not. If you want to express yourself sexually in 3D modelling, then do it. I think it beats watching porn by a landslide. But if you use modelling as an excuse to watch porn, then you know what to do.

It helps a lot nobody actually forces me to attend lessons from Monday to Friday. I think part of the reason why I got addicted in the first place was that I just got hammered by society/parents all the time ever since I was 6 with some 20 hours at school, up until I was 21 with some 50 hours at work. It felt like there was no choice. I think that's the case for most of the burnouts people experience. I want those few hours on Saturday mainly to get a head-start on the papers. Truth to be told, I do keep them at an arm's length. I think I wrote this before, but my ex's and my parents were very similar and it was the first relationship for both of us. They got their issues and I have mine. I just come over once a week for lunch, play Scrabble with mom, hear what's new and get out. It's just been two months and it's great. I think I have at least one more year of this ahead of me. I also noticed I tend to look at myself in the mirror at times. I never felt ashamed for my body, but neither I gained any confidence from it, but it seems that now I do. I'm Czech. I picked up Russian in April 2017, but it's never been a really serious endeavor. I didn't mention this, but I got to know a few guys closer I can meet and talk to, compared to when I was with my ex. I'm also on the NMMNG forums, so these things keep me grounded, so I do not spiral out of control again to treat myself like shit while in a relationship. The template I copied from the previous monthly post. I also have an Excel spreadsheet, where I track my activity in rough shapes during the day. The main thing is to just execute.

Day 296: I wrote, worked out, got a new book and attended the philosophy lecture in the evening. Getting after it. Every single day. Forever.

I'm using the template I used the last time. 7/1/20 - 10/2/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term. Books: L: Finish “Gulag Archipelago”. I got my hands on a printed copy of "The Game" by Neil Strauss, so I will probably get after that and then glance over "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Models" by Mark Manson, to make sure my philosophy/psychology/dating game is up to speed. T: I finished the rest of the volume II and volume III of Gulag Archipelago. I re-read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover. Personal reading clashed with university reading this month heavily. N: I'm picking up "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's been about a year since I read "The Power of Now" and I remember I was fascinated by it, even though I hardly understood it. English - Personal (1) + Business (2): L1: I plan to study the materials my mentor gave me a couple of days ago, as I feel I need some of the academic knowledge of English, as the next logical step in my effort to further improve my English. L2: I want to get my 10-15 hours a week, with a higher pay than before. T1: I didn't do the above, because if I studied, I studied for exams at the university. I've been keeping in shape by going to two English speaking events per week though. I write here and on my blog. T2: I was unable to set up any classes that would suit me, but I managed to at least take the shot at those interviews during the exam term, so they know about me. I sent out a lot of applications yesterday, so I plan to get some more interviews in February. N1: I'm happy with the current state of things. I remember one heavy academia-based test, but I'm doubtful this investment is better for me at this point than the one below. N2: I'm currently working on my webpage and at least a few interviews should be coming up. Family: L: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are! T: I've been talking over my parents' and brother's relationship with grandma every now and then. It's been quite helpful to help me understand my relationship behaviors as well. N: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are! University: L: Nail the exams and papers the the next couple of weeks. I have to put more time in now the exam term is here. Uni provides me with many benefits and freedom and I don't think I am there yet emotionally/mentally to appreciate it to the full extent. T: It took some work, but I passed the semester on 100% in the end. I am currently very happy and grateful I got closer to this lively environment. N: I have classes on Thursday evening and Friday morning and afternoon. I wanted to give myself a few hours a week to study/write papers outside of the lessons the last semester, but I never got around to doing it and scrambled to finish the papers, even though not as badly as the semester before that. I'll get after it this semester on Saturday mornings. Being social: L: I think I would be okay going out socially every other day, let's say for the whole evening, depending on my current work/study load, as by default I am at mine reading, writing, working out etc. It's work-in-progress to balance this. T: I had no lessons to teach, so my urge to go out and be social increased. I mostly see the same people every week on these events and all of them are either free or low-cost. They all complement my hobbies/things I want to get better at or maintain. It's also a good opportunity to network. I'm able to go out almost every day for a few hours, because I get enough me-time during the rest of the day. I imagine this sounds a lot like madness to people with a 9-5 job, but I am happy I put in the work on my projects whenever I want to and moneymaking currently doesn't concern me, as I have enough saved up for several months. N: I'm happy with the current situation. Exercise/movement: L: I think I can work out every day. It's about an hour of daily activity that never gets lost. I keep track of my workouts too. T: And so I did. The free gym on the dormitory is quite small and basic, but great for me regardless. I'm usually there alone, so I get chatting with people during the workout if anyone else comes, although the exam term just ended, so I think I'll be seeing more people. It's also a great way to express myself physically and I love observing that I am getting better. N: I did the same pull-up, sit-up and bike routine all month. I'm gonna get into some mobility workout too, because I would like to be more flexible and less prone to injury. Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (150 days streak). I'll try to get my neighbor to converse with me and I'll help him to get into the gym. Women/dating: L: We've arranged to talk on Monday. I want to see whether we were just emotionally charged and tipsy or whether there is some rationality and compatibility. The sex has to wait. 6/1 - Got flaked on, but that's not a problem for me. I gave her a chance. My current thoughts on dating: If a woman interests me (unconscious decision = she looks good), I talked to her (conscious decision - determining whether she is at least remotely interested as well and not a total deadbeat), and I have the opportunity of seeing her regularly, it naturally comes to me that I want to spend more time with her to get to know her and ask her questions that I care about. Words have to be followed by actions and facts however. I said I wanted to exercise after leaving the army, but I never really got into it. It would be like saying "I love you" for the first time, but not going for any kind of touch whatsoever. It was strange. Fact-checking is boring and hard, but necessary in order to make the relationship work long-term. In a way, this diary is the best fact-check anyone could get on me, including both my actions and my thoughts, even if not 100% of them. However, I think neither emotionality nor fact-checking should lag behind each other too much. Manson's Models and Glover's NMMNG were both big help regarding this. I'd like to ease into the relationship. Let the sex be the icing on the cake, rather than the brute animistic force that forges the basis of the relationship. I might fail at remembering that in the heat of the moment, but I'd really like to have sex as the last objective checkpoint/barrier. I could write more, but I think it would be blog material with insights rather than something I'd like to to abide by. T: I'm currently talking to a few women. I get myself out there on a regular basis. N: Be cool with whatever the outcome is. That's how I learn. "When sex is good it's 10% of the relationship. When it's bad it's 90%." Projects/misc finished this month: exams interviews I fasted on 24th Jan. Projects/misc upcoming next month: website money? (March) gun license (March) Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

My ex actually sent me links to porn sites, I think to educate myself. I guess I am lucky that every time I tried to watch porn, I literally felt like it was the most unnatural thing there was. I used to watch videos with a certain sexual undertone, but I didn't watch one since I uninstalled YT on my phone a couple of months back. I understand your ex's motivation to not let you share your sexual energy with anyone/anything else though.

I suppose that is a rough spot to be in, because you are in an environment where gaming is expected to be a part of your life, but it's not. It's quite a riddle to incorporate the few good things we got from gaming excessively into our new life. In my case, I wrote articles and talked a lot in English while gaming, so I took it up as a direction I want to slowly develop in and not forget. Computers and English don't necessarily need to share a lot of things, but computers and IT are basically the same thing. It's interesting that while all addictions are by definition harmful in the same way they ruin health and waste time/money, they get a different reputation. Heavy coffee drinkers are hardly ever noticed and nobody notices gaming addicts for obvious reasons. Smokers and alcoholics are socially accepted (even some illegal drugs), but I think if a masturbation addict started jerking off on the street, they'd get caught and arrested. I think that the levels of "shame", "visibility" and "social acceptance" are correlated. It's not obvious that obsessively eating a tulip every two hours is better than obsessively having a cigarette every two hours. Keep on doing your thing and don't mind those who are trying to camouflage their own demons out of shame.

It was strange, but I wasn't depressed because of it. I think I got caught by surprise by the fact I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be and I didn't have anything to do socially. I had three days off now, since I passed the exam on Thursday, but they were social, so I kept myself busy. I think I just needed yesterday in solitude to re-calibrate for the "next big thing" which in this case is my website. As a matter of fact, I did more than usual in regards to common tasks, it just felt haphazard.

Day 295: This has been one of the more disparate days. I did everything, but nothing at the same time. I scheduled my events for the next week, worked out, sent out job applications, messed around a bit in the software for making websites, skimmed through one book, wrote a bit of my monthly report and researched some nearby sites I'd like to go when on a date.

Thanks for the reply explaining your logic. I was never in a spot where I would be attracted to some personal characteristics of a woman who is dating someone else over longer periods of time. I have ways to go in figuring out how same or different I want my girlfriend to be.

This is interesting. Do you become closest friends only with these kinds of women - those who are willing to put up with controlling men in their relationships that want to make their women totally dependent on them? Do you wish some of them would eventually "break free" and could start a new and better relationship (with you)? How would you help them to deal with their newly regained, post-breakup independence? I think those are hard questions, but I guess knowing why you are inclined to befriend/date certain types of women is vital.

Day 293: I worked out and wrote. I went outside for another English event. Initially, we were talking about the upcoming Valentine's and later on the conversation took an interesting turn towards our first romantic experiences and dating today. I think it was mainly tanks to one woman in her 50s and me, because we both seem to have the prankster/joker personality. We got talking afterwards. I'm continually getting convinced that age is just a number. I also set out for a couple of beers with my neighbor and we had a relaxed evening. Day 294: We celebrated mom's and grandma's birthday today, so I spent some 6 hours in the family circle today. It was alright. I worked out in the evening and stepped it up a bit again. I'm slowly beginning to see a six-pack on my belly thanks to all the sit-ups I do. I might need a way to track the progress on my arms too though.

It cost me basically everything I thought I had before I came here, but now I realize it wasn't that much to begin with anyway. I can definitely see the cracked ego as well. I was thinking of getting back with my ex as well. But after quitting games I realized I need to hold myself to higher standards and I started thinking more clearly. I started setting up conditions under which the relationship (or any relationship in the future), as I wanted it, could function. She was over me by that point though. I realized that in order to get back together, we needed to have the same experience after the breakup, but each of us learnt something different. I agree. I think the principle of "minimum necessary force" should be applied here. If you decide to use sex, the equivalent of a nuclear warhead, as a bonding mechanism after a few weeks (or even days) into the relationship, I think it is almost guaranteed to work in making the relationship work for a while. But only because nobody wants to give up regular sex, which having sex once implies. It is hard to give up a thing that was arguably so great at the beginning, even if it's not as good anymore. A few days or weeks are unlikely to be sufficient in truly getting to know the other person. But just as we need to fact-check ourselves through diaries and schedules, we need to fact-check other people we want to be close with. It's difficult, but it works.

Basically yes. I just met her there, so I wasn't really too prepared for that. Moreover, I am also still figuring out what type of a girl I want myself. She seems older than me, she studies and she makes a living by teaching piano lessons, so she is independent and responsible which I like.

Day 292: I worked out yesterday, took the exam and went out to an English speaking event. I spoke with one girl for nearly two hours, but I felt like my ability to ask her questions I truly cared about dropped down over time, so I will need a second round. I'll seek her out next time and see what comes out of this.

I actually go out to events quite intently these days, so I try to remember at least some basic things about people I meet regularly as well. It's hard to have a good time outside if I don't know what am I aiming for (and have no plans to achieve that). It obviously varies from event to event, but I don't want to go out to just go out. I think you just have to sit tight on the front with her, unless something radical happens (i.e. any of you quits climbing). You are free to explore other options elsewhere though. Enjoy the smooth and slow sailing for now.

Intellectualism is easy to fall prey to. It sounds kind of stupid, but there are people who have made reading self-help, psychology or dating advice into an actual hobby, instead of getting after the thing they started reading the book for in the first place. The trouble is there is so much novel content they can actually keep that behavior up.

100%. It's a bit scary to practice something before you actually understand the benefits of it, but I guess that is just life. I go to practical philosophy courses every Monday and they are great.

I'll try. The only way to achieve that is to keep working on myself though, so that I am reasonably healthy myself. Like attracts like! I feel emotions towards certain people people indicating that I wouldn't like to be around as well, although it is initially just detachment/apathy. To let it turn to disdain generally means that I consciously tried for too long and too hard to make the relationship with them work. I think if one lives with the correct axioms, they are very difficult to manipulate, because these axioms take such a long time and constant practice to build up that they'll see right through most people who try to compromise them. I think it's mostly easy to spot, because I think very few people are full-on conscious manipulators/sociopaths. Most people do the shitty things they do simply because they do not know better or do not try to get better, so they do it unconsciously.

Honestly, all of these are plausible reasons. Did she say anything particular that made you upset? I would actually see it as a win. I think that if her boyfriend is really such a tool and she subconsciously knows she can do better, then she would start falling for you, unless she tells her life story to every other guy that just gets talking to her.

I took a quick skim through your posts (keywords "sex" and "boyfriend"), because I am interested in the female perspective of things. Below are some observations and a bit of my own past. Just commenting on your last three posts, I'd hazard a guess you need to work on or at least stabilize your sense of self-worth and self-confidence. You get complimented on looking good while you think otherwise. I'd think the guys just throw you this line to get you to have sex with them (not that it would be needed from what you wrote), but it's fascinating that deep down you know that sentence means nothing. It takes a bit of self-worth and self-confidence to actually deny casual sex than to accept it (because you know you can do better over the long run). I'm as sexual as they come. I broke up after 9 months of a relationship. I had my last sex almost a year ago now. Two months ago I moved to a new place, closer to all the city life, like seminars, parties etc. and I was wondering how would that affect me. Soon enough, I got a bit tipsy and at one party, I wound up with one girl, mutually touching and kissing. I felt pretty good about myself the next day, just because I haven't had this connection in a while. But the day after I realized that if I were to be truthful and responsible towards myself, I had to at least write her whether it was a mutually enjoyable fling for the evening, or whether it was the beginning of something serious. I just got blocked afterwards and hence I do not hold any respect for her anymore. Period. It's a good thing that you noticed that though. When I quit gaming, I realized I am not as introverted as I thought I was. I also started finding more men to hang out with, simply because the same sex is more solid for friendships, as there is no sexual tension for me. Hobbies are great for that.

I second @DaBest in that you should experiment. Set goals. Fail/succeed. Rinse. Repeat. One interesting thing is that orgasm/pleasurable feelings are NOT the same as ejaculation, it however requires self-control to differentiate. It is useful to know for sex as well, so you know how to get the best bang for your buck (pun totally intended). Check out this blog for more information. Personally, I think going for some indefinite No-Fap is unrealistic for a healthy male, unless you are: 1) extremely determined/disciplined - (to live in celibacy? until having sex?) I guess shame could fit in here too as inverse determination. Not meeting enough attractive women with your lifestyle could also be a strange case of determination. 2) affected by special conditions - I have a friend who is on anti-depressants whose libido is zero. I think having a schedule in this case is a good thing. I try to ejaculate weekly. The last time I ejaculated twice in three days, I was HAMMERED the next day. I also experienced cold sweat and an increase in zits the day after ejaculation. Moderation is the key.

Day 291: I studied, visited my grandma and worked out. I also read a long-form article about news (it is really long) and attended a seminar called "Personal vision".