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Everything posted by mattso

  1. Day 29 I don't know where my drive went. In the morning I meditated, but I felt like nothing changed afterward, I got frustrated, then loneliness hit me. It wasn't a problem until recently. Then lethargy came, I kinda got trapped in YT but realised it quickly and stopped, then realised I hadn't read anything in a couple days and read until 00:30- I can afford that since hey, weekend, and I lost track of time. It wasn't anything about self-development, though I feel like I should read those, and I'm guilty about not doing it. Another day with no significant progress it feels like. I mean I got through another day, I didn't relapse on PMO despite urges... And the rest was almost entirely browsing internet. I wanted to overcome apathy, and despite finding some answers I didn't try them out. Loneliness was probably my biggest reason for gaming. I got rid of the social layer provided by games and streams, and now I have to get out there and talk to people... I can't reach out to new people. I look at a circle and think that it won't work before even trying. Another time I walk up to a circle, but I don't even try to get into a conversation- I think I won't have anything to say, and I'll just next to them like some creep, so why bother. I assume I look like a desperate or whatever (now it seems absurd but try to convince me when it's happening). Ironically, when I want to do something about it, the weekend starts, and I spend all of it alone, without meeting anyone. It's been like that for 2,5 years now. How so? It's really simple- I get no invitations, and I'm not exaggerating when saying that, and I can't text to anyone asking if they're doing anything- they probably don't want me around, or they'll reply "No". To be fair, I never even tried. For 2,5 years I would do nothing on weekends, just play. The only people I talk to are those from school, and only at school. Ok, let's be real, I have no acquiantances outside of my class. Yes, I'm ashamed to admit that, but that's the truth. And those aren't even close relationships, it's just chatting at school, nothing else. I only have one close friend. Without him I think I'd actually develop some serious mental disease a long time ago. For 2,5 years I never searched for opportunities to meet new people, the only social group I'm a part of rn is my class. Games were all I needed, friendships were unnecessary. I'm trapped by my own mind. It's not that I had other passions or friends but games were slowly pushing those away from me. No. Gaming straight up nuked everything else out of my life. And now I'm deprived of all that and I have to somehow tune in with everything else around me. I'm writing this really late, not in emotional pain, but rather in numbness due to the time. Ironically this state seems similar to what is the goal of meditation- being aware of everything around me, not engaging with any thoughts that come to my head. I don't know if I feel right or wrong about it. At least I can finally get my thoughts together. I can't feel gratitude right now but my pride today is that I resisted a big urge to fap. I'm bragging, yes, who cares. That's all I can think of. Send help.
  2. Good to see you again (actually for me it's first time). Last time I saw your journal there were no new posts for over a month, and I was wondering if you would come back. What if this attempt is going to make it?
  3. Day 28 Maaan I had an important contemplation about my relations with people, but it was under emotions, and when they faded away all things I had written seemed to have no meaning. And then mental fog and CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'VE DONE NOTHING TODAY! AGAIN!
  4. Are we living in the same universe? Find Cam's story (he founded this forum, you've probably heard of him) and after reading it try to tell me that you can't get addicted to gaming in itself. Also, read OP's introduction post- it clearly suggests that gaming was taking his life over against his will.
  5. I support your decision, you know the best what you need. Good luck on your recovery. Remember, there are people who believe in your success.
  6. Day 27 Did anything programming-related for the first time since November. Nothing big, but it's my first step forward. I wonder where I'll go next. I just can't have enough of my mental clarity (no mental fog, that is). Starting to get back into my daily routine, and I should look into how much time I spend on what, because days seem to pass suspiciously quickly. Grateful for turning my anger into something productive today.
  7. Day 26 I feel like I barely remember what happened today. I was content in one moment when I realised how I have no mental fog, but then something something and boom, lethargy. I really dislike how I don't know if I should be easy on myself because it's potentially a withdrawal symptom, or not because discipline, slight edge, you gotta improve constantly etc. Now I have a list of 5 future goals with plans, but today I did nothing to work on them. Doubt, doubt, doubt. Doubt is me today. My plan for tomorrow/upcoming days is to look at my list every day and repeat it until I find myself eager to take action on one day or feel so guilty because of doing nothing that I'll start working. On the upper hand, I'm approaching my new personal best on staying off PMO (currently day 24 btw). Previously my longest streak was around 25-28 days. No idea how to end this post.
  8. Day 25 Read some more TSE, got down to setting specific goals in the future, because they've been floating around my head for a bit, and it's about time I started working on them. I'll write down my plans tomorrow because I'm too tired rn. Also I overrated my abilities when it comes to walking, and my leg still hurts. Oh well, one day at a time. Eventually I'll recover fully. Had some cravings for PMO over the last few days, but I don't focus on them, let them pass and then I go bout my way. Grateful for: - Seriously thinking about my future goals - My willpower growing in strength - A sunny day 8^)
  9. Day 24 Today was kind of an emotional rollercoaster. Started off positive, after 2 days of break I found some time to meditate and relax my body, and then, without going into details, my mood started going down over time due to some family issues, then I discharged all of it during a conversation with a friend, after that I had some fairly disturbing visions about being attacked by a slasher, being kidnapped, seeing other people die... I couldn't get my mind to do anything, and I had that awful feeling of crippling fear, so I found it justifiable to watch some stuff on YT, and luckily I stumbled upon some, let's say, heart-warming content. And that lead me to where I am right now, tired, but surrounded by serenity. Today I'm proud of myself for enduring my anxiety and not gaming or fapping. "The oppressive atmosphere slowly dissipates..."
  10. mattso

    Moving on

    I love how Vsauce refers to this in video below at around 6:20 mark:
  11. I see. I asked because I've heard stories about some courageous guys successfully putting bones in their place right after an accident, without calling an ambulance. Your case seemed tough, tho.
  12. @katsudo19 It's a one month old post, but thank you for reinforcing my motivation to keep up a nofap.
  13. That is one hell of a silver lining. You mean you put it into the socket... yourself? Or are you already out of the hospital and chilling?
  14. Day 23 I no longer need crutches to walk, even though I limp a bit. Spent most of my day reading "The Slight Edge" and thinking about everything in it. The experiment with thinking about your life for 5 minutes, but once while staring at the floor, and then while staring at the ceiling really made my day. Building a positive mindset helps too, it's amazing how being happy about little achievements improves my overall mood. According to TSE: "Waiting to be happy limits our brain's potential for success, whereas cultivating positive brains makes us more motivated, efficient, resilient, creative and productive, which drives performance upward." Same as yesterday, I've felt engaged with the world around me and eager to do stuff. And I'm excited about what awaits me as my journey continues- I remember that I shouldn't be expecting to get the results tomorrow though. Seed, cultivate, harvest. My prides for today: - I feel quite comfortable with basic guitar chords, I think it's time to look into playing fragments of songs (that'll probably take much longer than chords, haha). - I walked around my house. With no support. - I look at myself in the mirror and I'm glad to see my reflection.
  15. Day 22 Man, that was a day full of thoughts. In my notebook I wrote more pages in one day than in the past seven days. I need to take care of my social life. Now that I don't watch streams anymore, which acted as my supply of contact with people, I see that currently I do not belong in any of the social groups that I'm a part of. Assuming that since the beginning of highschool I've played 4 hours a day, after 1,5 years that gives roughly 2200 hours wasted on gaming. That doesn't include the time spent on the internet or gaming before middle school. If I sacrificed those (at VERY least) 2200 hours to, let's say, learning a new language, how fluent would I be at it right now? Don't envy ones who are more successful than you right now. Life doesn't end when you reach 30 (for me, that is). I should look into using habits to my own benefit and save my willpower. Today I chatted with my sister for two hours. And it's the best conversation I've had in a long time. I had so many opportunities to do it, but gaming was always more important. Not anymore. Sounds trivial, but this shows how many essential things I was deprived of. I see that my environment has an influence on me. Being a part of an enviroment full of resentment and what not makes a difference on how I function. I had sooo many thoughts about the future, all the possible things I could start doing, what would happen afterwards... It feels overwhelming when you think about all of it in one evening, even though I tell myself that I don't have to grasp everything at once. It's important that I come back to those ideas later, once my mind is clearer. I have low self-esteem, I didn't know how to build it, but after watching Cam's video on it, it seems trivial now: lower the bar and find anything that you can be proud of today. Whenever you succeed, appreciate it. For the first time since around day 8, I finally felt the drive. The excitement about what I'm doing. Something more than everyday routine. So, since I mentioned self-esteem, here's three things that I'm proud of today: - I chatted with my sister and it felt amazing. - I gained information on the compounding effect, and I'm starting to understand this concept more and more. - I was envious of someone, but then took it easy and it didn't hinder me. Gonna continue reading The Slight Edge tomorrow. I'm so tired right now. Good night.
  16. Day 21 Turns out I can walk without an orthosis. I'll have to use crutches for the next few days, and then I'll walk with no support once I feel comfortable with it. My leg turned out to be a lot better than I thought. Me dramatizing happens more than I'd like to admit. Other than that, started reading "The Slight Edge". So far I've only gotten through the introduction, but I'm starting to see why so many people recommend it. I don't want to get to a point in life where I stop and say "That's enough. I don't have to do anything else.", because then it's not living anymore. How do I like myself despite seeing all my flaws?
  17. Day 20 Ayy, my second 10 day mark. Really not much happened today. Came home with the same feeling as yesterday, but weaker, so it didn't stop me from doing what I had to do, and the day just... passed. I should pay more attention to how often I drink water, at school realised that I had drunk 0,15 l in 5,5 hours. What a boring day. I need something to make progress on.
  18. I love how you managed that relapse. It only lasted 2 days, you hated it and you're immediately back on track. Really shows how determined you are.
  19. @WuqingDi It's all about C++ in my school. I'm in the middle of my second year of learning, though, as I mentioned earlier, I was making progress until half a year in and then I stopped. The reason why I'm trying to start over is because it's something that seems somewhat within my reach and... I guess could help me build up my future? But I don't really know what to do next.
  20. Day 19 Went to school again, not much happened there, after returning felt like laying down, turning away from the light and doing nothing, spent around 3 hours like this, probably napped in the meantime, then started reading and it's late, so I decided to finish my schoolwork in the morning, meditate and go to bed. When I was meditating yesterday something unexpected happened. I was listening to my breath, then realised I can heart my heartbeat- never had it happen before, but that's probably fine, I thought. As I continued to listen, it started to go faster and become louder, and suddenly I started to feel lust- I remembered that I'm during a nofap so I restrained myself, but that feeling of warmth covered my body, and I started to feel like I'm going to fall asleep while being conscious, even felt first signs of sleep paralysis (pressure in my chest), but then it backed off and left my body petrified and with no feeling. While all of this was happening I completely lost track of what I was supposed to do, but I didn't care enough to repeat my session and went to bed. Now I'm going to meditate before sleep again and see if I can overcome it if it happens again.
  21. I usually do, especially when they mention something I care about (such as gaming). I don't go as far as logging them, but if I have a moment in the morning (I usually don't on weekdays) or during the day, I like to sit down and re-run them in my mind, thinking of as many details as I can. I used to write them down, but when I had five dreams in one night it would take too much time to write them down with all details. Sometimes I recall them upon seeing or hearing something which was a part of my dream- when I walk up to my stove, I think "Oh right, I was dreaming of cooking spaghetti and pots were appearing out of nowhere". I read a book, I see someone say "And that's a mistake... a mistake." and I remember that someone said it to me in my dream when I was explaining to them that I don't gamble. I experienced something similar this night where (in my dream ofc) I was fighting a boss, I saw his death animation and loot dropping, then realised I had been gaming for over an hour, and started thinking "Why did I start playing... does that mean I have to restart my detox?" I was so confused. Thanks for your kind words... mate :^) .
  22. Day 18 Went to school after a break, it was much better than a week ago since a few people returned from a competition held in another city. Funny to see how it's just like five people and when they come back it's an entirely different world- everything seems to just... work. Despite my injury I enjoy having a "be slightly nicer to me" aura around myself. After coming back home I couldn't find 15 minutes of calm to meditate, someone would constantly interrupt me, but that's my fault- I just missed that moment and I'll catch it tomorrow. Had no schoolwork for tomorrow, so I finished reading "The Power of Habit". I'm sure I'll come back to it in the future. A pretty lazy day, classes were easy, I read a book... yeah. I keep thinking about my appointment on Thursday, because my leg still hurts, and I have no idea what to expect from it. Last time, the doctor took my plaster off, scanned my leg and was like "You'll wear an orthosis, see ya in 2 weeks." I'll meditate now and then call it a day.
  23. I also experience this feeling of wanting to lay down, think of nothing and do nothing. I can recommend that, whenever you find yourself feeling that way, you think of anything to do, and no matter how boring and pointless it seems to be, you start doing it. Worst thing that can happen is you'll find it boring, but there's a chance that you'll get hooked and forget about your wearyness. It doesn't have to be anything extraordinary, for instance, I usually read in those moments. It's normal that sometimes you want to rest- it's one of your needs, Cam talks about it in this video. Remember, noone said this was going to be easy. But I believe that you'll find strength to get through.
  24. Don't think of gaming as a reward for good behaviour, you know that after today. When I feel an urge to just look at the website of my game and catch up on some news, I always tell myself "Your satisfaction will be short, but misery will linger." I'm glad to hear that you resisted, be proud of yourself.
  25. Day 17 Meditated in the morning, I feel more and more comfortable with doing it. Still getting distracted by sounds around me, but that's normal from what I've heard. Did schoolwork after that, and then for the rest of my day I was reading "The Power of Habit". Finished the Basics series on Headspace. That wasn't much, but I made some progress on something, and that's good.