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Everything posted by Niko_Buccellati

  1. It's pretty cool considering you did it on your own and it's always a nice feel if you feel for something then just go and do it. As for chicks, its ok to feel yourself a bit uncomfy especially if you never did something like that before.
  2. I had almost no practice in past two years so if some of you wanna chat I would appreciate. I really feel like my German got quite rusty especially past year.
  3. Day 4 "Sometimes the only way to win the game is to not play". I don't know where from I remembered this phrase but looking back it really makes sense. I mean talking about usual games you either finish the game or dropping it so technically the game has only two ends. The MMO's are by far the worst in that part because they made in a way to make the game never ending. That is why the quote. They also utilize the principle of the socialization giving people the illusion of friends or relatives. "I turn off the electricity and where are your friends? They are gone," said I once. I decided that posting daily routine feels really bland and uninspiring so instead of it, I will just post random thoughts I got on my mind. Moreover, I think I won't be able to post here on a daily basis due to the fact the day after tomorrow I gotta relocate again. I actually like traveling so this feels good even though it's not a touristic travel but job related journey. By the way herbal tea and stuff really worked well I went to sleep at 11 pm, unfortunately, I was awakened by my cat and that ruined my sleep so I overslept pretty badly today. But its okay I feel good after all. I also watched some youtube videos today and I felt a wish to create some stuff myself(nothing special really just some meme related things for lulz), I don't know but maybe I will give it a try later. I also gotta start learning French(I learned some basic stuff a long time ago) but gotta put some effort into it. Feels good so far. And remember "Boredom is the first step on the road to relapse".
  4. It's ok. I mean imagine you actually managed to put him to reason and he agreed to everything you said like 100% you would be happy of course but realistically speaking its just a random dude so practically speaking it would still give you nothing. I mean it's always nice to share your point of view on something if you feel for it but don't really expect people to share it with you especially if it contradicts with their pink glasses and their blue pill matrix- dreamworld.
  5. I don't think that there is a such a thing as "it should look like this" in the art. It's just about expressing yourself even though I am not a fan of the so-called "modern art". What I mean. It looks very nice what you did.
  6. So this is gotta be my 2nd day without gaming at all. I am not going to make myself goals like 90 days or something because I don't limit myself to any days. I didn't play games yesterday but it was nothing special really because recently I ruined my sleep pattern(due to one trip) so yesterday I slept till 3 pm(went to bed at 6 am that day) or something like that and watched some youtube stuff mostly, basically replaced one junk activity with another. So as you can see nothing really to be proud of. I went to bed at 4 am, actually I went to it at 10 pm but was unable to force myself to sleep. Today I woke up at 11 am. So its kinda progress but I know I can do better and considering the fact that I will be having an important appointment soon I must fix my sleep pattern. This also breaks my eating pattern because usually, I eat 3 times a day scheduled +\- 1-2 hours. But I know I will fix it. So after I woke up I did some activities. Reinstalled windows on my laptop so it's kinda barebones now and no video games of course. After that, I went for a walk until 3 pm. After that, I did some cleaning activities in my room so it doesn't look like a mess now. At 7 pm, I went to do some workout which I have been doing for one hour. I had a week break because I was on a trip before and also caught a cold in a train so I had to stay home but surprisingly I didn't feel like I really degraded even tho it's a bit cold outside so running started to be a bit harder than it was. I also started to write a story of my experience dealing with gaming addiction and stuff but it turned out quite big(you would expect that from a person who has been playing video games from 2k0) so I even wonder if it's even worth bothering cuz it started to look like one major oversharing. However, I feel quite tired so I decided to not post an unfinished stuff here even though I saved it on my laptop and I plan to finish it tomorrow(still not sure if I should post it here). Interestingly enough it also became quite obvious when I started to write about it how my addiction was growing with time and how unaware of it I was at that time. Day 3. I went to sleep approx. at 3 am that is really not a progress but I managed to wake up at 8 am with an alarm clock that is still a progress. I decided to give a try to the herbal tea and some other natural relaxants to make me sleep well because I came to the conclusion that I can't sleep well simply because I can't relax due to various thoughts about some things I find important. It also turned out that I was in such a hurry to reinstall windows on my laptop that I didn't even format my hard-drive properly so it had no file system at all aside from the part that had windows running on. Spent some time fixing it and installing some drivers because I had to print some work-related papers. I managed to finish my story and liked the process but it made me really realize that in fact, I don't like to sit in front of the computer writing any stuff(prob the reason why writing out reports and related stuff always drove me crazy in the university). Also, it made me realize that it's indeed a bizarre experience because it looked like I was living 2 lives. Did some wandering to catch some fresh air as usual and also work out in the evening. Work out session went much better than I expected and that made me really happy. Also called a friend of mine who had a birthday recently( actually 3 days ago).
  7. Thats because in the state you are now and because you cant think rationally in such state of mind. The thing is that this state of mind is a temporarly thing. I had same experience in my life and we can talk about that stuff. I am not offering you a proposal to be your personal therapist or something , but based on my experience some conversations(in reasonable manners) really help to make the flow of feels and thoughts in your head from ooze which they are in such state of mind into something more consistent.
  8. If you have been gaming a lot and a long time it might be not that easy to get off frome the hook. But you are definetely on the right way of thinking. I feel that is the key to sucess. I never liked streams much but i guess it might worth a try to shift your watching focus on something else maybe craft related considering what you have said about creation and stuff. I mean you will need a hobby anyway to fill the time you are going to get by not playing videogames and without it it will be a tough ride.
  9. Introduction to the journal. Well, to begin with, I never used to have any kind of journals(aside from some work accounting related stuff) nor dairies related to personal thoughts or emotions of mine. So this might be tough but I gotta try my best with it. The reason why I decided to give it a try is the fact that I think this might be a very useful self-tracking tool and also the fact that I read some other people journals yesterday and found some related and useful experience. So that might be useful for someone else and for me of course. Introduction to the backstory. First of all, I should say that I am pretty happy and in harmony with my life(not absolute but as much as possible now) and have no regrets whatsoever. So I don't wanna make video games as a scapegoat for some bad things happened in my life even though some of them especially nowadays are clearly done in a way to be addictive. So before we getting started, I would like to mention some good things that happened to me because of video games. 1) Helped me learn English. 2) I found one of my best friends IRL from the video game. 3)Found some really cool music bands. Well, that's all I guess ? Backstory(I am not going to mention any titles here to not trigger the nostalgia of a potential reader). The beginning During my life, I used to play video games a lot on various devices(arcade machines, pc, consoles, mobile devices) and all or almost all genres(yeah even some waifu gacha games facepalm.jpg) but I will try to put it as short as possible. I think its worth writing because the experience of the past might be useful in the future. I guess my gaming experience began in 2k zero or something like that when I entered the school these were arcade machines. I also remember me playing some consoles of that era. However, at that time my family was short of money so I didn't have any pc at home. In my country in the early 2ks, we used to have the so-called gaming clubs where you could pay an admin and play the video games so usually I and some buddies of mine played 1-2 hours various stuff and that was all. I remember that I played longer sessions sometimes but it was nothing extreme really aside from the fact that one summer we spent like whole summer playing one game via LAN(those were not long sessions but we did it almost every day). Prior to attending those clubs I also had a 16-bit console at my home but I wouldn't say it affected my school studies at that time even tho I remember how I had 2 days weekend gaming marathon once. Here I read that lots of people had parental control in their childhood but that was not my case because I was brought up by mom alone and most of the time she simply had no time to control me and what I am doing whatsoever. First Rig Later my family managed to get a PC. I guess it was around 2k6 or 7 can't say for sure. It was an average rig, not really gaming related. We didn't have internet at that time so the way to play games was to get pirate bootlegs CDs(so was provincial gaming in Russia lol) or to go with CDS or harddrive to the buddy whose father had internet on his job or something like that and download some stuff. At that time, of course, I started to play way more video games and longer sessions but I was way too busy with outdoor activities(those were some controversial things) but looking back I must say that it was that stuff that helped me to maintain reasonable social living so to say. Later my PC became dated for any modern games and playing old games became stale. Also, thanks to my mom physical activities were not something alienating to me, at that time, I went to the gym and also joined the local soccer club that led to the fact that I was training 7 days a week like a mofo because I was motivated to win the trophy and I did it with my buddies ? .At that time I also had some local powerlifting trophies in my weight and age category. University time(1-3 years) So I finished school and entered the university and started to learn exactly what I wanted, the German language cuz why no =). At that time I played games from time to time but not really much and mostly used PC for web-browsing and studies related things. One my first-year of studies I did really well because I was highly motivated to learn German and was the 3rd best student in my group of 9 people(the 1st and 2nd were persons who learned German at school). I also was attending airgun shooting range at that time. So you may think what this dude does on this site he is clearly not an addict well lemme tell you. I guess the reason behind all that was the fact that after school I didn't manage to make many friends IRL. This happened unexpected one the second year. One dude sent me a video of some very high quality and at that time my pc was so dated that I couldn't play it without lags. That was the final push for me to make myself a new rig( I had thoughts about it a long time but didn't want to spend money). So I made myself a new rig without intentions for gaming but of course, sooner or later my brain came to thoughts (Yo dude you have such a cool rig and there were a lot of games you missed while sitting on dated rig wanna see em). I installed steam. And well that was a moment that fucked me up, fucked me hard. I started to come to the university like a squeezed lemon because I was gaming all night. Sometimes it happened that I was going right to bed after coming home from the university or shooting range and of course, I was not really productive at the lessons nor shooting competitions. At the end of the semester, I was in the 7 place in my group and ruined the German exam that caused me to lose my scholarship (the cash is not worth bothering about but it hit my self-esteem really hard). That really pissed me off because I knew that I actually deserve more than I had at that time. But at that time I also was not aware of my addiction and though I started to play video games less I blamed my lack of motivation for it so the reason why I started to play less was simple fact that I started to study harder. That actually led to the fact that I did DaF test really good and went to the summer camp in Germany as an exchange participant and also went on exchange to Latvia for one semester as a participant of another program. So it looked like things went on the right way you may think. Abroad The trip to Germany was really a good thing to me I passed tests at the local university even better than in my hometown and attended C1\C2 courses(the highest levels possible). I also was living in the hostel with other foreign students because that was my plan to be settled with the foreigners so we will have to speak German to communicate with each other and it worked well. I don't think I played any video games at all at that time because I was traveling a lot and was busy with RL stuff. The trip to Latvia really fucked me up though. First of all, it began with the fact that I couldn't receive my insurance at the time and because of that I was unable to apply for a VISA at the time. That forced me to go back to Moscow only to find that they lost my scheduled appointment at the embassy so I had to go to the Visa center and they checked all my papers and asked me why didn't I attended the embassy because my appointment was scheduled. Marvelous! That really frustrated me nonetheless (and usually all that paper stuff drives me nuts easily) but I managed to settle my paper troubles and returned to my hometown waiting for the visa. I went to the university and explained them the situation and even attended classes for a couple of days but got bored and decided to go back home play video games that led to the fact that I didn't attend classes at all and made them think that I actually left for Latvia at that moment. In reality, it happened 10 days after it. In Latvia, I started to play games more due to the fact that at that time I was living in the flat I rented and I really felt isolation because I couldn't speak local language and for some reason I completely lost my motivation because at that time I was doing a nice dough from scholarship and some side-job at Asia-food restaurant so I really felt like I proved anything to myself and teachers from the university who underestimated my abilities. At the beginning gaming actually led to the fact that I couldn't attend my Tuesday classes at all because on Monday I had classes from 9 am till 6 pm and I played video games after that and was unable to wake my ass up at the morning next day. Somewhat I managed to make myself a sleep regime though and started to go to sleep at 10 pm and waking up at 6. But I guess it was more due to the fact that I attended some basic courses of Spanish and that was the only subject I was really interested and motivated that time. I did some occasional trips some of them with the dude whos flat I rented. He was really a nice dude and he clearly saw that I am doing not a healthy lifestyle so he tried to drag me with himself whenever he could. In fact, at that time I hated him because of that. I guess it got something to do with the comfort zone and stuff. Somewhat I managed to graduate with decent marks in all subjects aside from one. University time(4-5 years) When I returned home things really went down the hill. Because at home I had my gaming rig and also the thing was that I had to undergo my practice at school while also attending the university(normally it is done separately but I was abroad when all other students did it). That meant that I had to go to the university and after that also go to school for my teaching practice. I also had to pass some exams that didn't match with those subjects I studied in Latvia. That, in fact, stressed me out pretty much and I started to play even more. Because of that, I stopped attending university at those days in which I had my practice because I had to sleep and then prepare my lessons. That also led to the conflict with my curator whom I said that I don't attend classes because I have to prepare my lessons for practice, in reality, I simply needed that time to sleep. Somewhat, somehow I managed to pull it off again but that was really close to the failure so that really made me think about things. I analyzed the situation and realized that my gaming hours tended to be higher when I had to deal with something that I don't like. So shortly I realized that I used gaming the same way as alcoholics use booze. I also started to think that its really a waste of my time. It was the beginning of my awakening but not really it. The red pill. The turning point was the moment when I played some online MMO game which had two modes(arcade and realistic). And I had a chat with one dude who told me that I am wasting my time playing arcade because realistic is better and more realistic. I told him that I am actually valuing my time because more people play arcade and I am not wasting my time waiting in the queue and moreover me and you both sitting on our ass just pressing buttons so there is no difference. And that phrase of mine was something like a red pill when I really realized the things from that moment the desire to quit started to grow on me. I talked about those things with some buddies of mine but aside from one dude(who also quit games "to live real life") and one friend from real life whom I found in the web, I didn't see much understanding. At that time I had one game preordered which i was really excited about so I decided to play it and then quit gaming once and for all. I guess it was like the last dose for addicts or something ? So when the game came out I played the shit out of it. I guess I didn't attend university at all that time like 1-2 weeks. But when I finished it I really got bored. And I quit really cold turkey selling my gaming rig(why would I need it if I don't play games anymore) and my steam(because I knew I might have temptation and why would I need it if I don't have a rig). At the same time, I got a phone call from my mate from shooting section who wanted to go to the gym and needed a buddy. I knew that this is a good opportunity(buddy is a good thing because he won't let you drop the hobby) and went to the gym. So things were like in their right way. Backpedaling The wagon made the wrong turn when the time to start writing down my diploma came. That really stressed me out because paperwork is really a thing that makes me nuts and also I had to quit the gym because I needed more time to deal with it. That led to relapse and because I had no steam and not that powerful laptop I started to play one MMO which didn't need steam to play it and got me hooked because it was about the stuff I am actually interested IRL(I didn't know that at that time). I played that game not that much so I didn't ruin my studies but I played it almost every day. After I finished my exams(best marks possible) and got my bachelor degree. I was ready to go for the army but turned out that they had way too much people conscripted so I had to wait till the autumn. That meant I had 3 months of doing nothing waiting for my enlistment. At that time I made a trip to Belarus because I just wanted to relax and change the surroundings that really did me well after all the stress and stuff. I didn't game that time in Belarus but I really have fallen into the loop of retardance pretty much the same way as I did in Latvia because sometimes I even spent days doing nothing sitting in the flat watching TV or youtube vids and ordering food to the flat. When I returned home I got an invitation to the clan from that game I used to play because I actually played it quite well even tho I didn't bother myself with any competitive things and played just for fun. So I joined it and basically 2 months prior the army I did nothing but only played video games at my home. I managed to man up somewhat last 2 weeks because I knew that it's wrong and went for the army(one of the best decisions in my life actually). Army and the ultimate demise later. Well, the time in the army was tough(and it should) but it was a good experience and also a good detox. In fact, I spent the first 4 months with a simple phone without internet not because I couldn't get one but because I didn't want it. I didn't play any games at that time at all the whole year. I used that time to really develop myself as a person especially mentally and more or less understand what I want in my life also read some really awesome books. However, when I came back home I fucked up everything again and boy or boy I did it hard. I am not going into details but I had problems with my adaptation back to the civilian life and relationships with family and some other people. That led to the fact that I went home and didn't contact anyone at all for a month even in social networks, turned off my phone, that actually caused some people to worry if something happened to me and made the came to me and knock my door literally. At that time I only played video games because I felt like I can just relax at least a bit like I deserved it or something. That, of course, ruined my sleep pattern and led to some anxiety issues ( i had something like that before from previous experiences but this one was way stronger). After that month I started to look for a job and well actually I didn't have any difficulties finding one in one local company. I went for the job interview and despite the fact that I was not prepared(I played games all night) I did fine. So I started to go to the job and also kept playing video games. It was a simple office job really nothing special but my brain resisted the fact that I am sitting my ass off in front of the pc at home and do the same on that job. I really felt like I can do better. So one day I quit the job. I had a talk with my mom about it and she supported me(because usually, I used to finish things that I started so I felt myself a bit guilty for quitting a job at that time). At that moment i was really sure that I will find a better job. Turned out it wasn't that easy. That led to the fact that I stuck in moms home unemployed for a couple of months and developed a crippling depression. My sleep was fucked up, I had mood swings, and feeling like by my sheer existence I am bringing shame and dishonor on my mom, and all relatives. I had days when I woke up in the bed with my laptop and didn't leave it like at all. I even ate in the bed with my laptop. The thing was that I knew I have to find the job and do something for it but because of the all above mentioned I couldn't even apply for it not talking about the interview and that drove me nuts even more. I couldn't stay inside the house because it drove me nuts, but also couldn't go outside because the fact that I saw all people being busy with their job or other activities also drove me nuts because my aimless wondering made me feel really out of place( I felt myself like the Taxi-driver protagonist). That, of course, led to the suicidal thoughts. I had experience with depression before once(not as severe as this one though) so I knew that my brain is fucked up and playing tricks on me and tried to grab all my will to not being sucked into the whirlwind of feels. Oh I should mention that at that time gaming also didn't help to deal with all that stuff, in fact it made things even worse because I was just drifting from one game to another aimlessly and it made me even sadder because I knew that it doesn't work and doesn't make me happy(this gotta do something with dopamines and stuff I guess). Rehab I was also wondering how just in 3 months I went from army-men scheduled disciplined lifestyle to the grabastic piece of amphibian shit who is unable to leave his bed laying in his tears(sometimes literally, sweat and misery). First of all, I made a talk with my mom that my brain is pretty fucked but I am working on it. I just wanted that she didn't think like I am doing nothing and not even planning to move on. Actually, she understood and supported me, that was good. How I fixed it? Well. I had no better idea than to copy my army schedule(its hard to have an order inside the brain if there is a disorder outside). That meant I forced myself to make my bed every time I woke up(this was very important ritual) after that I did mandatory physical exercises, and after that, I was leaving my home because in my mind I made wandering around not an aimless thing but activity. I also started to eat to the schedule. It was not that easy to fix my sleep(probably that was the hardest thing) because sometimes I had felt like I am going nuts while trying to sleep, I had sudden awakenings during the night but little by little I managed to fix it. Sleep is actually a very important part because if you can't sleep in a proper way you feel exhausted and its hard to fix your brain. I had a person at that time whom i was reporting my sleeping hours progress that really helped me. In a couple of months i fixed the mess my life was, found the place I wanted to relocate to and the job and moved on. Relocation n stuff. After I relocated I got acquainted with some new people. Got employed. Later I even went for the better job and later even for even better one. I also met many awesome people because of the WC in that town and found the girl I fell in love with. So everything was going nice. What could possibly go wrong you will ask. Well, it turned out that she was addicted to gaming (what an irony). I was really enthusiastic though and decided to give it a try because well I guess that is how love works but also because I overestimated my charisma and influence over people I think. Long story short. I was unable to drag her out of her comfort zone because she was in complete denial and aside from the time when she was with me her life was a mess. It broke my heart but I had to break these unhealthy relationships and I executed it. Because I knew if I let it continue it will drag me back where I came from. I should mention that at that time I used to play some games because I accompanied her in them but was not really much into it so it didn't interfere with my life. The thing was that on the same day I broke my relationships I was phone called by my friend who told me that the dude from our childhood we knew committed suicide. These two events really shook me and at that time I had not really much to do because I was waiting for some papers considering my job. Because of that, I spent a week playing some games on my tablet pc. It wasn't that extreme and I had my awareness on so I stopped after that. Present time. After that, I had to return to my hometown to prepare myself for another relocation. I didn't play games much at that time but it happened occasionally I guess but mostly I was busy with my job. After that, I had a trip to Moscow for my medical examination(which I passed well) and got acquainted with many nice people. The thing that kinda ruined me was the fact that I caught a cold on the train back home and didn't sleep well because of that I was ill and ruined my sleep schedule I couldn't go workout and the weather was quite bad outside so I started to play 1-2 video games just to pass time. And so that was the moment when I went into this site and forum and decided to end it once and for all. And guess what at the moment I registered myself I got a message from one dude I haven't seen like for ages who asked me if I wanna play one game. I said to him "Nah man. I am not interested I got better things to do with my real life". And guess what? That felt really cool.
  10. Thank you for the support. Sure it is way better than the time I started that "war". I plan to make a journal soon and elaborate some things because I plan to stop bothering myself with video games once and for all(don't really feel like an overcoming something at this moment more like finishing it off) and I also would like to share my story so its time to keep pushing not resting on my laurels . Relapses taught me that this thing is no joke though. But the last thing to me was the fact that this thing ruined my relationships though in that case, I was not the one who was addicted. It might look like it but I actually don't blame video games themselves(though some of them are clearly done in a way to be addictive) but video games addiction is really a serious thing that can ruin ones life.
  11. No big deal. Just look at it as for example your childhood clothes. Once you grow up you dont wear them because you dont need them and it would be strange to carry them on your entire life.
  12. Well consdering how much you think over it, that means that it really worries you so i would say its better to sell them because it will be a permanent solution without any hope for backpedaling. Victory cannot be achieved without sacrifice after all. And you can spend those money for real life activities with your husband? But thats just my personal view and might be not fitting for you. Oh and keep doing the good job.
  13. I didn't know you can delete it actually. The thing is that it might be complicated to sell it because if someone is a gamer that means he has a steam already and if he is not why would he need it. The best thing is to find someone IRL to pay you in cash so you will be sure you won't be scammed and vice versa. I sold my account to one dude I knew for a symbolic price of 1k of Russian roubles it"s gotta be like 15 bucks or something because I really didn't care at that moment I just wanted to get rid off it from my life.
  14. Once I had a relapse after a year of not playing video games at all accompanied by selling my steam account and gaming rig. It was after the time I retired from the army and returned to my hometown. The reason for it, in fact, was not the urge to play video games themselves but a simple escapism from real life issues such as unemployment, social isolation, and many others I guess it was in a way like alcoholics trying to get drunk to not think about their problems. I spent a month barely leaving my flat playing through some games(those were with interesting stories though) but mostly playing 1-2 hours and jumping from one to another or playing sessions of some MMO junk. I didn't caught me though because in my brain I actually knew and felt that I am just sitting on my ass bashing the buttons instead of doing something that makes logical sense to fix my REAL life problems and etc. This led to a feeling of guilt and depression. Not to mention that I completely fucked up my sleep pattern and other stuff. That was a good lesson of life nonetheless though. And also the reason that made me more strict about my attitude towards my gaming issues.
  15. You have answered the question yourself. It's like at one moment of your life you ate the red pill in that Matrix movie. But that is why it's called an addiction. You see that the harm was done and what you have written is a pretty rational way of thinking however you keep acting irrationally. You might feel guilt or shame because of that but there is nothing wrong with it. Same happened to me and to many people on this website I guess. Every great journey ( i guess getting rid of addiction might be considered as such) begins with a step. And acknowledging the problem is a step one.
  16. Hi. I am 25 and I am from Russia. I used to play video games(with some brakes) since I have been 7 years old or something close to it because the year when i played first video games was around 2k. I had a long story of gaming issues and relapses. This would be a way too large wall of text for a simple greeting so I hope to share it later. I can't say I feel much problems with gaming now but I also can't say that I am completely rehabilitated. Currently, I play one or two video games(not online) from time to time(like 2-3 hours session) usually in a way people use TV just to pass the time when I got nothing better to do or the weather is bad to go outside. I did the quiz and it said that I have 3 out of 10. So I think I am doing good so far. However, my final goal is not bothering myself with such kind of stuff at all. The reason why I decided to register on this forum was the fact that most people i know(knew) aside from maybe 1-2 people tend to underestimate the issue of gaming addiction and one day I thought that it can't be possible that I am the only one who started getting a vibe that gaming is actually an issue ruining his life and started to do something about it and that was how I found this website in the internet. As I said I would like to write my story later and I think if it somewhat somehow will help someone(like at least one person) it would be actually nice.