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Everything posted by Deku

  1. Loved most of this post but hated this. Yes, other people aren't obligated to love you, but everyone in the world is deserving of being loved (except for maybe serial killers and rapists and stuff). You especially are working hard to improve yourself and get the life that you want. There's nothing to be ashamed of there, and certainly nothing that makes you less worthy of others' affections.
  2. Today I noticed something unexpected. While walking around doing my normal thing, I kept running into people waving at me and saying hello as we passed each other. Turns out that my efforts to maximize my human interactions have actually led me to make quite a few acquaintances over the course of the past few weeks. Still having a hard time making real friends outside of my 9-man grad program, but at the same time it's hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I was spending all my time gaming in my room. Despite our rocky start Shane and I are starting to come together, and we actually make one hell of a team if I say so myself. He's got almost godlike lab technique, but because of his marriage, children and long commute struggles to prepare adequately for lab; meanwhile, I have absolutely horrid lab technique but have all the time in the world to prepare, since I'm single af and not gaming anymore. Put together we end up covering for each other's weaknesses quite well, and the results have been thus far quite spectacular. Today's lab (assessing pluripotency with the ALP assay) was pretty tough and required extreme attention to detail, yet we were able to both finish first and end up as the only group with good results. Other than that, hit my gym today to bring my total to this week up to 3, and matching the goal I set at the beginning of this journal. Hope to keep the momentum up!
  3. So after all my big talk, I'm a bit ashamed to report that I actually didn't get the chance to talk to cute Mol Bio girl today. Apparently in spite of all my mistakes my partner and I did fantastic on our Tuesday experiment, and we were the only group with viable results today (whereas the rest of the class will have to wait until the coming Tuesday to assess results). Unfortunately, the extra time we needed to do our results meant that by the time we were finally done that girl was long gone. Oops, and I was so ready to just get it over with today. Guess I'll have to wait until Tuesday instead. In other news, gave my presentation on Osteoarthritis today for my afternoon class, and it went amazingly. The professor seemed pretty blown away and it was the first time anyone ever called me an "amazing speaker." Which honestly I didn't get at all--I know that I had all my usual problems with my trembling voice, difficulty making eye contact, and stuttering. Going back to one of my earlier posts, maybe my perceived awkwardness is all in my head, but either way I'll take the good grade whenever I can get it. Since I grinded yesterday to get all of tonight's homework done, I have absolutely nothing to do and I am loving it. Probably going to get to go to bed super early tonight, which I am hyped af for. Maybe I'll make this a regular thing, going super hard on MWF and using my T Th to do things other than studying.
  4. Woohoo halfway to your first week! Congrats! Your goals are extremely admirable, just make sure you listen to your body and take it slow. You say losing motivation/exhausting yourself is the biggest reason why you relapse, yet you've decided to wake up at 5:30 am every day in addition to studying full-time for your speech pathologist test. If you feel you can take your current load then fantastic, but don't be afraid to dial your goals back a bit if feel like you're burning out. Keep it up though, you're doing great!
  5. Is there a reason you stay up from 6:30 am to 7:00 am every day? The body doesn't do great with discontinuous sleep, so that could be a reason why you feel the need to sleep so much. If you really have something to do at 6:30 then just try to acclimate yourself to sleeping 7.5 continuous hours from 11:00 pm to 6:30 am. That equates to about 5 continuous sleep cycles, which is about what the average person with a healthy sleep schedule needs.
  6. Deku


    I think it's totally normally to get sick when adjusting to an extremely new lifestyle. You're going from a loooong time spent gaming straight to cold turkey, so there's bound to be some adverse effects. Make sure to eat something, drink plenty of water and get plenty of sleep tonight! If you're feeling really sick feel free to take a couple Ibuprofen pills as well. Feel better soon @taichi !
  7. Another mediocre lab performance today, this time in Stem Cell lab. We've begun to form groups for the final project in our class (differentiating mouse embryonic stem cells to functional adult cells of our choice) and my partner (Shane) just happens to be a 30 year old monster of a guy who's worked in numerous lab settings--and therefore far more experienced and competent than me. Because of my routinely weak skills in the lab Shane's taken it upon itself to keep a constant eye on my every move--for fear of me dropping a hydrogen bomb on our stem cells I suppose--and micromanages my work to the point of being slightly toxic. I don't really mind though. I know it's nothing personal, as he just wants to do well in the class, and frankly his toxicity is nothing compared to the 12 year olds I've played with in League of Legends (my fellow former summoners will understand). I honestly would rather have a partner that loudly points out my mistakes than an overly friendly partner that won't comment when he sees me do something stupid. It's just a bit disconcerting how many big mistakes I'm making and how much shit I don't know at this point. I hope these things will resolve themselves quickly as I accumulate more bench experience, as I'm getting the distinct impression that I'm already on thin ice with Shane. Regarding cute molecular bio girl, I've decided to screw it all and just ask her out at the earliest chance I get. If she says yes then great, and if not it'll be fantastic, because I'll be able to keep my head down and truly focus on improving my lamentable lab skills. Win-win situation in my opinion. I apologize to @Peluconus for not heeding your advice after you took the time to read my longass post and give your thoughts, but there's probably a 99.9% chance that she'll say no anyway. At least this way my brain will be able to stay grounded on labwork, rather than wandering to the pretty face across the room. I'm going to see cute molecular bio girl tomorrow, and in preparation to ask her out I've finished all my work, both for today and tomorrow, totalling three lab notebook entries, two readings on Alkaline Phosphatase Assay and Histological Staining, and a powerpoint presentation on Osteoarthritis. I figure that in the overwhelmingly possible event that she blows a massive hole through my heart I'll appreciate not having any homework to do. I'll be able to hit the gym hard, take a nice hot shower, and then curl in my bed and binge anime for the rest of the night.
  8. Not sure if it's what I wanted to hear, but probably the correct advice and what I needed. Thanks
  9. Two posts in a day? What? Making this post to commemorate my victory over laziness today. Didn't get a good night's sleep last night so I was pretty tired today, but even so I managed to power through and get quite a lot done. Caught up on my lab notebook entries, went to the gym, attended a lecture, had lunch with a friend...basically did a lot of productive shit that I would never have been able to do if I still played League and RS. The achievement for today that I'm most proud of, however, is my victory over the research paper "Th17 Lymphocytes Induce Neuronal Cell Death in a Human iPSC-Based Model of Parkinson’s Disease." My stem cell professor assigned this reading for the class' journal club tomorrow, and it was a real struggle--despite being relatively short in length, it was so dense and chalked full of abstruse language/concepts that reading even a single page felt like an eternity. I highly doubt many of my classmates will have read it by tomorrow, but I am excited to report that I did it--every single goddam word. With notes. Tl;Dr: It's amazing how much shit you can get done when you don't have stupid games to leech away all your time.
  10. Another rough day in Molecular Biology lab as I made several big mistakes today on today's assignment (transfection). I don't think I would have cared so much (the professor has emphasized that the purpose of the class is to learn, rather than to rush through all the assignments) except for the fact that all my mistakes will probably go on to hurt the assignments of my lab partner and others in the class through no fault of their own. I think part of the reason why I make so many mistakes is that I'm talking too much and having way too much fun, which results in me becoming careless in my experiments and fucking up stupid things. Once again, I really need to improve my academic focus. There's this EXTREMELY pretty girl in the class who I've hesitated to write about for a while now because it would make me accountable for how the situation develops, thus exposing this forum to the giant idiot that I am. I don't know a whole lot about her, but from the one brief (and extremely awkward) encounter where she talked to me in front of the lab lockers she seems to be smart and kind, and certainly more than just another pretty face. I'm a bit conflicted as to what to do about the whole thing. Frankly, between the constant experiment failures, the public forum about my subpar cell culture, and my general clumsiness/awkwardness/insipid humor I don't think I have any sort of chance with her at all. Historically I've also never been good at doing well in a class while simultaneously trying to brainstorm ways to talk to attractive classmates. With all this in mind, I guess the best decision would be to realize that there are a ton of fish in the ocean and just focus on doing well in the class. It's a bit disappointing but hopefully if I just work hard at improving myself and my situation the romantic side of my life will just take care of itself. The only reservation I have with this approach is that I've literally never managed to summon the balls to ask a girl out in my entire life, and if I let this girl pass as well I wonder if this trend will ever end. I'm a bit tired of letting fear control so many of my life decisions, and this might be a real opportunity to change all that. Even if I got pitifully shot down, I think just being brave enough to put myself out there would be pretty big for my self esteem. I dunno. Thoughts?
  11. For the first time in my life a girl asked me out today. (O__O) Ended up shooting her down because honestly I can't see myself ever considering her as more than just a friend. I hope I never have to reject another girl again, it really felt like shit knowing I probably broke her heart. Other than that, business as usual today. Read a very fascinating paper in which researchers used stem cells to model the Parkinson's disease mechanism in the human midbrain. Also went on a run today for the first time in forever! It's not quite at my peak level of fitness, but certainly better than I was expecting. Will work to improve pace and distance as time goes on! All in all Labor Day weekend wasn't super productive, but I'm glad I was able to salvage it a little today. Psyched for when the school library reopens tomorrow, and already have my food for tomorrow packed and ready. That's all for now, Deku signing off!
  12. Library is closed this weekend for labor day, and as a result my productivity is shot. Got a little done, but spent most of my time browsing random videos on Crunchyroll. Gah...
  13. Thanks! I think for now I'm going to go simple: sandwiches + salad, protein shake + banana, stuff like that. Anything more complicated than that and I think I'm gonna crash and burn out of sheer laziness. What's worked for you?
  14. Almost two weeks since I last played a game now, and it's become noticeably easier to study and get shit done (in the library that is. I still can't study worth a shit at home). With my earbuds and a decent supply of coffee I can work for hours, with hunger being my only real limiting factor. If I can find a way to get myself to pack food I really think I could go well into the night and achieve unreal productivity. I was lucky enough to sign out a locker in the library at the start of the year, so storage won't be a problem--just need to find the discipline to meal prep something every night when I get home.
  15. In my molecular biology lab class, we've spent the last week growing and feeding cell lines. Before starting lab today, the professor (Dr. Khatib) called the class to attention and said, "Good news, your cells generally look great, except for one person who had some interesting results. We're going to use him as an example today, and that person is Deku..." She then proceeded to explain how my cells were the most overgrown of the entire class: while everyone else's had formed a beautiful scattered lawn over their surfaces, mine had overtaken every surface and then some, forming multiple crowded layers. "Can anyone tell me what Deku might have done wrong during the last lab for his cells to look like that?" Dr. Khatib asked. For the next 10 minutes, the class became an open forum for discussion into the various ways I could have fucked up. I tried to smile as though the whole situation was something funny, but on the inside, I was dying with a mixed bag of embarrassment and disappointment. If I was doing so poorly in a mediocre graduate program, how could I ever expect to get into medical school? My biggest takeaway from this experience is that I need to increase my academic focus. I've made decent strides thus far into improving my social skills, but I need to keep in mind that it's all worthless if I don't absolutely kill it on the school front. The ultimate goal is medical school, and to get there I need to be the top student in my classes. I may not be the smartest or most talented guy out there, but that just makes it that much more important for me to work harder than everyone else.
  16. Spent 5 hours working the bar today and made 200 bucks over the course of the night (over half from tips). It was so much fun! Perhaps it was the position of power I was in, but upon putting on the white shirt and black tie I was suddenly immune to awkwardness or social anxiety. I effortlessly conversed and joked around with guys and girls who I would normally be too intimidated to even be around, and didn't feel the least bit tired despite not having the chance to sit down or get a drink of water for the entirety of my shift. It was truly an amazing experience. That being said, I don't think this job is for me. My academic commitments keep piling up, and I'm frankly not sure I'll be able to stay out until midnight multiple nights a week. A big reason I was so unsuccessful in college (gaming aside) is that I took on too many commitments, and as a result ended up doing none of them particularly well. Also, cleaning and taking out the trash was not nearly as fun as fun as manning the bar. Something foul from one of the trash bags got all over my favorite pair of pants, and I'm a bit miffed by that. What I learned today: I used to think that I was just born a loser/awkward person, but today's really made me think that maybe it is just all in my head. I think I'm going to try and live my life without fear from now on, as today is proof that I can be someone that people find interesting. I hope someday soon I won't need a white shirt and black tie to be that guy anymore.
  17. Got a job bartending near campus! Need an evening job for some extra $$, and I figure bartending will really help me increase my human interactions and improve my social skills. A little nervous about how tight my schedule is looking at this point, but I really do need the money, so oh well. I'll be starting tomorrow night! The mixer I went to today was okay. Plenty of chill dudes and quite a lot of cute girls, but I really had a hard time starting conversations and keeping them going. I guess I still have a lot to learn regarding social skills, but I'm glad that I went to the mixer anyways. Going alone to a party isn't something I would have done if I was still gaming, and I managed to get a lot of reps of human interaction in. I guess that's something to be happy about.
  18. Despite a lack of a consistent sleep schedule I'm starting to fall into a more or less productive rhythm now, which is really helping to stay on top of my somewhat rigorous course schedule. This essentially includes breakfast, followed by class from 9-2, followed by lunch, coffee, and a study session in the library until about 7 or 8. At this point, go home, eat dinner, and spend a few hours reading, watching anime, etc. before turning in for the night. One big problem I'm having is that I tend to get a little too into anime, and stay up until midnight or even later watching...which really affects my sleep schedule negatively and causes me to be exhausted the next day after classes. I'm seeing an anime detox in my near future if I can't control myself. Oh, headed to a mixer tomorrow for my school's grad students, so that should be fun! What I learned today: More like a collective lesson over the past week or so, but I've really learned the importance of a solid sleep schedule. Getting a crappy night's sleep really snowballs out of control very quickly: first you oversleep your alarm, then you skip out on breakfast because you're so late, then you're so exhausted and hungry you can't pay attention in class, and after class is over you have no energy left to study. You feel like the walking dead so you take a nap, oversleep that alarm, now you've not only burned a bunch of hours you could have spent doing something, but you've also messed up your sleep schedule which will take days to fix. Tl;Dr: Sleeping at a consistent time each night is super important and I really need to do this if I'm going to be successful in the long run. Would welcome any tips that y'all have on how to get this done, because I have really been struggling with it ever since school started.
  19. Spent a lot of today chilling at home and was hit with the worst case of gaming urges I've gotten since starting this journal. If I hadn't spent so much effort beforehand uninstalling my games, blocking sites and deleting my characters then I could easily have relapsed today. It's a really scary thought and I will definitely try to minimize my time at home as much as possible in the future. What I learned today: STAY OUT OF THE HOUSE!!
  20. Welcome back. I can definitely relate to the comfort of anonymity you get while gaming. I think it has to do with fear of failure--it's great knowing that if you say something stupid or fuck up no one will know you are--and I wonder if that same fear of failure is hindering your ability to get out more and/or find a job. Either way, I think you've made the right decision to quit gaming and improve the quality of your life. I think participating in codeathons/hackathons/programming meetups is a fantastic idea. You'd really be killing two birds with one stone, getting out and meeting people while simultaneously increasing your skills and project portfolio, in turn helping you to find a job. If you can find some to get involved in I think you'd be off to a great start. Best of luck!
  21. IMO you only really fail when you stop trying. Don't worry about breaking your detox, just remember the commitment you made to improving yourself and start over again. Keep going, I want to see more posts in your journal!
  22. Hello, welcome and congratulations on making the decision to quit gaming and become productive! You've got some solid goals listed down. My only advice is to be patient and slowly incorporate them one by one into your daily routine. Also, make sure you're getting outside and doing activities that'll let you meet and talk to people! In my experience it's incredibly easy to relapse from sheer boredom and loneliness if you aren't making human contact on a regular basis.